Hair of the Dog (Texans-Vikings): Uff Dog

I’m writing this right now minutes after the Texas Rangers got eliminated from the playoffs by the Toronto Blue Jays. No, you haven’t found yourself on a baseball site, I just felt it important to mention that the inappropriately named Texas Rangers were defeated, three games to none, or a sweep if you will, by Canada’s national baseball team.

Keep in mind, the Texas Rangers had the best record in the American League and they had a lead twice in the entire series. Both times were in the third game (which they lost, by the way). And they lost in embarrassing fashion.

You might be asking, UT, what does the Texas Rangers’ ignominious defeat at the hands of the Toronto Blue Jays have to do with the Texans’ game, yesterday?

Truthfully? Nothing. But Canada is next to Minnesota and Minnesota is where the game took place, and, oh, man, don’t make me relive this game.

Sigh, fine. We now bring you the hive mind of BRB already (not really) in progress.

As always all swear words have been replaced with the word kitten.

/harp glissando

Pre-Game Comments:

Capt Ron

I hope the Texans give me a good reason to want to watch the recorded game later tonight since I'm tied up all day. Tough match-up, but Houston can win if they don't make mistakes (turnovers). GO TEXANS!

Mike

If you hear loud screams from the [REDACTED] area, you'll know they lost and I'm letting the [REDACTED] area know about it...

UT

/sees Spero Dedes on Texans broadcast

Oh thank God the TV is on mute.

Luke

If the Texans’ offense is going to be reliant on a lot of short passes today, it'll be interesting to see how much they involve Braxton Miller. The offense is going to need YAC and that's where Miller is at his best.

Spero is fine. It's Wilcots that I can't listen to.

UT

They're both insufferable, but Dedes does more talking, so he's proportionally worse than Wilcots.

BFD

According to Dedes, we are facing our "stiffest test yet against the Vikings." Yep, that Patriots game never happened.

UT

I'm more than prepared to airbrush that game out of existence.

Luke

Well if we're honest, that Pats team was missing most of its best players.

First Quarter:

Luke

Can we stop playing off man coverage? Bradford can actually make those throws.

ALSO HOLY CRAP THAT CLOWNEY HIT!

UT

Just over 3 1/2 minutes before the Vikings’ first touchdown. This is going to get ugly fast.

Luke

Looks like someone getting admitted to the burn ward tonight.

That was horrible by J-Jo.

UT

Three throws to a receiver "guarded" by J-Jo, three completions for 66 yards, 2 first downs and a touchdown.
Ick.

Mike

I think Johnathan Joseph has been body snatched. Seems like this has been his worst year as a Texan...

Weston

Some good manipulation by Bradford on that double move. This game may be over already. MIN is sooooo good playing with a lead and this offense is soooo bad.

BFD

I'd like to congratulate Johnathan Joseph for turning 55 years old last week, evidently.

Weston

That PA pass is why I'm worried about Osweiler. Nothing open. No pressure. He freaks out in the pocket and throws it out of bounds. He can't improvise and make throws when there is any coverage because he lacks ball placement.

UT

I thought I saw that in Week One against the Bears. I wanted to think it was just jitters, but this is Week 5, that should be improving by now.

Luke

I think that's partially because his mechanics have gone to kitten over the past few weeks. He doesn't really set his feet and throws off balance so many times. It's the throws you expect him to make that he misses and when that starts to happen, it's kittening terrifying.

UT

But if there's anybody that's supposed to be able to fix quarterback mechanics or any coaching staff that's supposed to do that, it's this coaching staff.

Or it can be the dumbkitten kitten like getting too many men on the field penalties.

Mike

That's what happens when a young QB has to work behind a wet paper towel of an offensive line...

Weston

The pass pro has been good. Osweiler has been bad. He also will move his body away from ghost pressure. This game is over. It's a beautiful day. I may go for a walk before I watch the Rangers' season end.

Also, Osweiler isn't a young QB. This is his fifth year in the league.

Luke

So bad, so bad. It's a bad, bad situation and it's getting more and more and more absurd.

UT

I think I did call for the Texans to score finally in garbage time, but beyond that, I'm not exactly optimistic.

And I may be switching to gin sooner than expected.

Luke

He's played less than 1,000 NFL snaps, though.

Weston

Inexperience is different than youth. The reason for signing Osweiler was that they wouldn't be having to wait to groom a rookie QB. Now Houston is doing that anyways without having the benefit of the rookie contract.

BRC

I mean, let's not get quite so defeatist so early.

UT

On that third and 5, I swear to kitten, I almost shouted, "kitten it Mallett!"

Mike

Everything I read/heard was they went with Osweiler because they saw more upside than they did with Wentz/Hackenberg/etc... never heard it had anything to do with experience.

Weston

It would be different if they weren't playing a top five defense that shuts down both the run and the pass. The Texans' offense can't do either.

Luke

Show me the well of optimism from which I can drink, David, and I will drink.

BRC

There would be no point watching 70% of games if people stopped watching after a team went two scores down.

I also don't think it's all doom and gloom with Brock. Sure, the turnovers have been an issue, but outside of those he's not been terrible by any stretch.

UT

I don't think anyone is necessarily giving up after the better part of a quarter, but still, this is not a promising start.

That said, they finally forced a punt, so who the kitten knows?

Weston

It's different when it's a bad offense against a great defense.

UT

Lamar Miller into a brick wall of defenders. Because that's strategy.

THERE ARE NO BOUNCE PASSES IN FOOTBALL, BROCK!

BRC

I know the pass was short, but why just watch it drop in front of you? Why not like dive for it, at least?

BFD

Osweiler showing off his wicked good arm strength there.

Weston

That was a miserable throw. I'm starting to think there maybe something the no good 6'8" QB thing. There was no pressure, but it's almost like he has to limit his leg extension on throws where the pocket gets tight. That and it takes him soooo long to reset his feet, which kills his mechanics.

BRC

It just came out of his hand wrong. It was pointing downwards all the way.

Second Quarter:

Luke

Looks like the D has switched up to press man instead of giving Vikings’ receivers and Bradford acres to work with.

Mike

Norv Turner is making RAC look stupid now...

UT

That shot of RAC biting his own finger made him look stupid. Norv Turner is just making him look inept.

At fourth and goal at Houston’s one yard line:

UT

I'm kind of surprised the Vikings didn't just go for it there.

Mike

Never underestimate the lack of testosterone Turner will exhibit at any point in the game...

UT

But that's Zimmer's call to go for it there, and he didn't.

Oh wait, Blair Walsh. Never mind, I answered my own question.

BFD

It's one thing to be beaten by Jacoby Briquette, but it's another thing entirely to be publicly pantsed by Sam Kittening Bradford.

Weston

I would have, too. Even if you don't get it, Houston with a 99 yard field is just another chance to score.

UT

Aw, kitten. That [Blair Walsh] joke doesn't make a bit of sense there.

BRC

Chris Clark in the game. It gets worse.

After Osweiler threw a near interception:

UT

That was a split second away from being today's Brock Bottom dumbkitten interception of the game.

Weston

Brock Bottom is an A+ nickname.

After the Vikings returned a punt for a touchdown:

UT

How about those improved special teams, am I right? Huh? Huh?

And there are Vikings fans here too. Kill me.

Mike

Ok, now this one's over...

Luke

Hey! At least we still play in the AFC South!

BFD

In our last 22 games, we've been flat out destroyed in 6 of them. That's fantastic.

Luke

If anything, you have to look. How many times can you say you've seen such an anomaly?

UT

You ever seen a train full of kerosene crash right into a burning oil refinery? It's beautiful. Like a great flower of fire and chaos opening for all to see.
And in that spirit, LET'S GO FULL BLOOM!

BRC

I feel like 2015 DeAndre Hopkins would have caught that deep ball.

UT

Hey! Let's hear it for the all pass-interference offense!

Mike

The Cleveland Browns look better right now against the Pats than the Texans do in Minnesota. Someone has nuked the burning dumpster...

Luke (to BRC)

He almost did. PI is just as good, though. Also, that’s the first target for either Hopkins or Fuller.

Weston

PLEASE KICK THE FG. MAKE THIS GAME PERFECT.

Mike

I wonder how O'Brien might look in burnt orange. I hear there's a job opening up in Austin...

UT

If they keep their grubby mitts off of Tom Herman, they can have him.

BRC

Remember how the Broncos got so many sacks by reading the center’s head when he snaps, because he did the exact same thing right before he snaps the ball?

Greg Mancz does the exact same thing.

I should have said in the AFC Championship game against the Pats.

BFD

Bill O'Brien, COACHING SUPERGENIUS, finally found a way to get the team yards: have Xavier Rhodes foul DeAndre Hopkins.

And then we kick the field goal. Not even trying.

UT

Here's a question, a two-parter really:

Do you think there will be a point any time this season where the brain trust (resists laughing) turns to Tom Savage just as a change of pace if nothing else?

If so, when in the year does that happen?

Luke

Brian Peters is apparently doing kickoffs today.

BRC

Savage won't, or shouldn't, get in the game this year.

You stick with Brock. If that ship is sinking, you keep sinking with it.

UT

They forced a punt! They forced a punt! Holy crap, they forced a punt!

Mike

At least Whitney is trying. Love that guy.

BRC

Miller wide open there, come on.

Osweiler is sacked and fumbles but is nullified by offsides:

UT

Boy, did we ever dodge a bullet there.

BRC

I mean, he was way past him, that wasn't even really fair.

Brian Peters heading to the locker room.

Sad special teams gets sadder.

UT

The Texans got their first non-penalty-induced first down at the two minute warning.

Man, this offense is garbage.

Luke

WHO WILL KICK OUR KICKOFFS NOW?!?!?!?

Anthony Barr vs. Lamar Miller is not a matchup I want to see.

UT

Who in the name of almighty God were you throwing it to there, Osweiler?

BRC

Throwing it to Fuller, who was pulled to the ground.

Texans score a field goal at the end of the second quarter:

BFD

JUST SIX MORE FIELD GOALS AND THIS GAME IS TIED. WHOOOOO!!!!!!

Halftime:

BRC

I mean, the Vikings held Benjamin and OBJ to minimal games too.

Brock has looked pretty bad in both road games this year. But to be fair, the whole team has too.

I'm not all doom and gloom about him. I have seen him perform before, and he will get to that again. It's just when is the issue.

BFD

J-Jo also out with a concussion. Kitten.

BRC

What has happened with BOB, though? This is not the BOB I really remember from the first couple years.

Third Quarter:

UT

Tyler Ervin got past the 25 yard line on a kick return? What sorcery is this?

BRC

A kick return to the 32?!

Luke

There have been some good things to note. Whitney Mercilus has been good.

Not really sure why the defense is playing so much off man coverage.

UT

Jadeveon Clowney has looked downright frisky today.

BRC

Clowney really starting to step it up now. Those TFLs racking up.

For someone that supposedly should have been a first rounder if not for injury, Clemmings does not look good.

Luke

Injuries did a lot to that if I remember. I wanna say he had a meniscus tear or something similar to that.

He did have some good tape at Pitt though.

BRC

Just looked it up. Stress fracture in his foot.

Luke

Kitten it, so close to Fuller getting that.

UT

Ladies and gentlemen, there's your Brock Bottom WTF pick of the week.

BFD

Brock finally gets one picked off. It took him a while, but goodness love him, he kept trying.

Luke

Kitten. I had hope that he wouldn't turn the ball over this game.

BRC

Ryan Griffin down after the tackle. Can we get any more injuries?

UT

Shhhhh! Don't tempt them.

Luke

Clowney's having some nice production these days.

Mike

Quoting Field Yates: Through 12 combined quarters against the Vikings, Odell Beckham, Kelvin Benjamin, DeAndre Hopkins and Will Fuller have combined for 23 yards.

UT

Uff da.

Luke

Nyeh. Vikings fans co-opting that slowly building clap chant that the Icelandic football team and it's fans were famous for.

Originality is dead.

Mike

Wait. What's that clicking sound? Could it be Houston's offense?

BRC

The Nuk lives.

The Will Fuller fourth and long WR screen:

UT

Well, at least they got Fuller a catch.

BFD

GO FOR THE THROAT!!!! THROW A SCREEN ON 4TH AND 16!

YES!!!!!! VICTORY IS IMMINENT.

Weston

HOLY KITTEN that playcall. Bill O'Brien should hand the playcall duties over to a Wendy's toilet.

I miss Gary Kubiak so much.

UT

BUT THEY COULD'VE HAD THE FIELD GOAL! THEY COULD'VE HAD POINTS!!!1! 1!!1!

Weston

THEY COULD HAVE LET NICK NOVAK MISS ANOTHER 50+ YARD FIELD GOAL. HAHAHAHA THE MADNESS.

Fourth Quarter:

Luke

I'm currently sifting through my musical catalogue to find something appropriate for the post-game thread.

The leader in the clubhouse is Doves ''Ambition.''

UT

I ain't even mad about that [Matt Asiata] touchdown catch. That was impressive.

@Luke: Black Hole Sun - Soundgarden

Luke

Too upbeat. I want something slow, melodic and haunting.

UT

Creep - Radiohead?

Luke

There are no bad choices, Pat. Everything is an option here. Like being a kid in a sweet shop full of marmite flavoured sweets.

TT

So they just cut the Texans game & went to Jets/Steelers in Denver. Ouch.

Luke

Same happened in Arkansas (where the stream i'm watching is broadcast from), Sam. I think it might be a sign.

UT

Alfred Blue has the longest run for the Texans in this game.

Think about that for a moment.

BRC

Alfred Blue looks like Lamar Miller and Lamar Miller looks like Alfred Blue

Luke

Beautiful catch by Hopkins.

BRC

Hey, CJ350 is back.

After Hopkins’ touchdown:

UT

Touchdown in garbage time. Nailed it.

Weston

After watching All-22, the biggest problem I see is that Lamar Miller needs space to be successful. The Texans are running inside zone a ton, but aren't getting movement up front and aren't getting to the second level. Miller has zero space to work with. He can't play to his strengths. The pass blocking has been good enough, though.

UT

It would explain a lot why he's so much more successful on runs to the outside. It does not explain, however, why the kitten they keep calling so many plays inside if that's the case.

Weston

Most of the outside runs are ones where Miller bounces it outside on his own. IDK. I miss the outside zone. I think they don't run it because of Clark and Allen. And kitten, Allen is so bad.

I just checked the schedule. The Titans play the Browns next week. We could see a three way tie for first in the AFC South if Houston loses to Indy.

BRC

My fantasy opponent is thankful for BOB’s decision to get Heath, Dent and Co. out there for this drive.

Luke

The AFC South is the best.

Hey! Let’s give out some game balls!

Offense - Referee Jeff Triplette. He may be a twit about 90% of the time, but in the first half, he was what made the all pass-interference offense possible, and for that we should be thankful.

Defense - Jadeveon Clowney, I guess. He was in the backfield a lot, got a few TFLs and was a general bad dude save for a dumb penalty at the start of the game.

Talk about the game, I can’t bring myself to do that again.