Rise for Hymn of glorious Houston Texans. You stand now.
Hymn of the Houston Texans:
Comrades! Our glorious Houston Texans return after showing what a dynamic, powerhouse performance looks like against unnecessarily hirsute and comically inept Vikings of Minnesota. After handling business against non-conference opponents, the time has come once more to attend to matters in only division that matters in football, the only one truly worth watching: the AFC South.
On Sunday night, the peace-loving football players of Texans juggernaut defend homeland against stampede of little baby horses from state known mostly for being Illinois’ little brother with massive inferiority complex: the Colts of Indianapolis.
Is there reason why you, the commentariat of glorious Houston Texans, should worry about the baby horses in prime time game? In previous contests, the baby horses have come close to doing the unthinkable—defeating mighty Houston Texans football team before ultimately succumbing to superior Texan strength and moral fortitude. This week, however, there is no need to concern yourself with these baby horses who are famous for traveling in the dead of night. There is barely need for Texans to flex muscle against the easily-frightened horses.
The team of baby horses start and ends with quarterback, Andrew Luck, an unfortunate soul who tragically has mane on front of face instead of back of neck as horses typically do; however, incorruptible Ministry reports cannot confirm that Luck does not have hideous neck hair as well. That is only where the Amish horse’s problems begin, though. His pitiful excuse for offensive line is less reliable than hobby pharmacist Jim Irsay’s punctuality at narcotics support group meetings. Just in two previous games alone, baby horse offensive line has allowed unconfirmed mutant Luck to be sacked 11 times (five sacks to hopelessly futile Chicago Bears and six against pathetic Jacksonville Jaguars team).
When asked by loyal, honest Ministry of Information reporters about the situation, the baby horse quarterback may have said, after clearing his beard away so they could see his eyes, “I’ve overcome a lot in my career as a quarterback. I learned to see through this curtain of hair which I’ve had since I was three years old. I learned how to call signals without coughing up hairballs, but this offensive line is the worst thing to ever happen to me. I just wish our general manager would invest money or draft picks or a gypsy curse in this offensive line.”
What little does baby horse leader know is that his general manager and villain of most 1980s movies, Ryan Grigson, a simpleton who, according to trustworthy Ministry sources, got his job because of his connections to the Sinaloa drug cartel, spent four of his team’s eight draft picks on the Colts’ offensive line; four picks which will make the hairy horse Luck about as safe as former quarterback [UNPERSON].
But what can you expect from a general manager/drug pusher who once traded first round pick to meager Browns for 1986 Yugo that may or may not have been loaded with hundreds of pounds of cocaine, according to reliable source? More recently, simpleton Grigson, in between bites of sandwich, claimed that the contract he gave professional hairball Andrew Luck, which according to reliable sources has mostly been spent on razors to no avail, prevents him from putting together a competent defense.
You would never see such foolishness from shining example of managerial deft Marshal of the Texans, Rick Smith. He believes in sparing no expense for only the finest players money can buy. “It is imperative,” he said of his philosophy of building a football team, “to put your money where your mouth is and do everything you can to make the team better every day.”
This skimping has taken its toll on the lamentable and weak baby horse defense. Just recently, Colts defensive back Darius Butler could miss Sunday night’s game with an undisclosed injury to finger. The hard-hitting, ever reliable reporters for Ministry of Information state that Butler could miss time due to paper cut he received while reading trashy romance novel “Surrender to the Night.”
“It’s just such a beautiful story man,” the cornerback could have said through tears in his eyes. “The evil squire casts Delilah out into the cold night and then just as all hope is lost Roland comes in and sweeps her off her feet. I just got so lost in the story that I didn’t see the cut I got on my pinky. Next thing I know, I’m being carted off in an ambulance; I can’t stand the sight of blood, y’know.”
It is truly sad how soft some players truly are in this league. Meanwhile, hero of glorious Texans J.J. Watt had both a train and plane crash into him simultaneously and is listed as probable for Sunday night’s game. Watt is a treasure to City of Houston and example for commentariat to strive for in personal and professional lives.
This is same soft, squishy defense that baby horses head coach, Chuck Pagano, says is solid. He claimed no less than yesterday that the baby horses, who gave up 522 yards against pathetic Chicago Bears, have a good defense. It is sickening to see a man tell blatant falsehoods to misguided fans of Indianapolis baby horses; we at Ministry of Information feel it is our solemn obligation to tell you, the football-loving fans and members of the commentariat, the unvarnished truth at all times. We only wish that Coach Pagano felt such duty to his followers.
Notes From The Commentariat From Last Week’s Live Game Threads:
The Vikes are worst in the league...
They are...going to beat the Colts.
The Texans are...a good team.
Antho10000 (about the Vikings’ failures)
Pull the starters...
I haven’t turned a Texans’ game off before...ever.
Ethan Matz (about the underperforming Vikings offense on Sunday)
SOMEBODY STOP THE DAMN MATCH! ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!
LedTexan (about how inept the Vikings looked against mighty Houston Texans)
What else can you do?
...This is a big trap we’re...about to spring a big beatdown on ‘em...
How bad is Griffen...?
Very bad, Boyce. He is awful player and worse human being.
The [Vikings] defense is ready to go home.
They cannot handle furious onslaught from Texans offense, clearly.
Supreme Leader O’Brien has nothing but great strategies, comrade! To think otherwise is disloyal.
Brock looks good[!]
Praise From The Enemy:
Texans are...good against...teams. Does this mean we’re a...team?
oh yeah, this...team is running on all cylinders now…they have it in all aspects…they are kicking A$$ and taking NAMES!!!
I can’t believe how little The Texans D needs to do against our worthless offense.
Believe it and cower before indescribable might of glorious Texans’ defense!
Reconnaissance From Last Week:
The baby horses of Indianapolis could not shake irrelevant Chicago Bears until the fourth quarter, unlike mighty Houston Texans who smashed Bears in teeth early and forced them to whimper off to ignominious defeat by score of 70-6 in favor of Texans. Pitiful baby horses had every opportunity to blow the Bears out of water early, and had every advantage going for them, including facing infamous traitor and nincompoop Brian Hoyer.
They still were at risk of losing game with seven minutes left to go. As it turned out, the baby horses came back and squeaked past the puny Bears 29-23. If Colts struggle against semi-professional teams like Chicago Bears, then they, like all other teams before them, shall cower before the magnificent and humble Houston Texans football team. Yet another victory is certain!