clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

BRB Ministry of Information’s Houston Texans Monday Night Football Preview: Denver Broncos

This is the most unbiased preview of this week’s Monday Night Football match-up between the Texans and Broncos you will read anywhere on the planet.

We are at war with Denver. We have always been at war with Denver.
Photograph made by Capt Ron

Stand now for Hymn of Houston Texans football team:

Comrades! Our indomitable Houston Texans claimed a monumental victory against the ridiculous baby horses of Indianapolis by the score of 26-23. The team, from the front office to the waterboy, never sweated that glorious Houston Texans might do the unthinkable and lose to team it has only ever lost to once.

The time has come to put away the childish mares and move on to full-grown adult donkeys, for that is the opponent that the mighty Texans face on Monday on their half-eaten home turf. On Monday, the Texans play the second of a back-to-back series of prime time games, because America is enthralled with football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans team. We of course speak of the asinine Mules of Denver.

First, Ministry of Information congratulates hero of Texans’ offense and running back Lamar Miller for his 178 yards and two touchdowns against lowly baby horses on Sunday night. According to highly placed sources, Miller will be awarded the Order of the Red Pterodactyl, named after great patriot of Houston Texans football, running back Arian Foster. The ceremony will be held in secret and nobody, not even Miller himself, will be allowed to attend.

The last time we saw the Mules, they went on to win Super Bowl 50 after narrowly defeating your Houston Texans in a hard-fought AFC Championship Game that went to double overtime. At the end of Super Bowl, we saw Peyton Manning ride off into the sunset after a long, tender make-out session during post game press conference with human oil slick and mediocre pizza impresario Papa John Schnatter.

“It was a little weird,” said one Broncos player on condition of anonymity to reliable Ministry officials. “As long as I’ve known Peyton, he has been more tender and intimate with that pizza dude than he is with his own wife or any of the other women I’ve seen him with.” The Ministry is unsure if Brandon Marshall this player is referring to the numerous ladies of negotiable affection in Manning’s company or other trysts he’s famously been associated with and, until Ministry says otherwise, it is none of our business to find out.

With Manning and his noodle arm off the football field, but sadly not off of our televisions, the Mules are left with their actual coaches, Gary Kubiak and Wade Phillips, both of whom were forcibly exiled from the loving bosom of Mother Houston after constant failures to deliver success to glorious Houston Texans. Such failures are unlike the results produced by Texans’ Supreme Leader Bill O’Brien and his unstoppable Five Points, One Star Harmony Fist Offense.

“Both Wade and I wish we could return to our glorious homeland,” said Kubiak to one reporter, probably. “Ever since we were forced out, our lives just haven’t been the same. Food hasn’t tasted as good. The skies are gray and smell kinda funny. Our hearts just aren’t here; they are with Houston and the one football team that matters. Could you put in a word with Great Commissar McNair for us?” he asked, gripping the reporter’s cuff desperately. “We need to get out of here. The food is really that bad.”

It is of little surprise considering the entire pitiable cuisine of Denver revolves around an unhealthy obsession with bull testicles, but we at Ministry of Information do nut judge. As of now, the exile remains, because Supreme Leader O’Brien has the Texans in position for yet another glorious season!

After being sent east under great cloud of shame and disgrace, the wretch Kubiak was brought to the haze of Denver, alleged Clydesdale John Elway. It is worth noting that high horse of Denver is head of a massive network which perpetrates falsehoods and mendacity as other salesmen sell farm equipment. And Elway has put it to shameful use by ordering public humiliation and, in some cases, outright bullying of Texans quarterback, and Order of Teh Schaub holder, [Tom Savage].

When honorable [Savage] fled Denver to join the peace-loving fans and players of Houston Texans, Elway decreed that [Savage] be roundly condemned as hack despite previously hailing young quarterback as the future of the Mules. He then distributed falsehoods about [Savage] to his minions, whose names are unfit for this page, who ate them up like starving simple-minded children they are. It is insidious network of slanderous propaganda almost as vast as the objective and forthright Ministry of Information.

It doesn’t stop there, comrades. The entire Broncos’ defense has taken the nag, Elway’s lies to heart. Linebacker Brandon Marshall has already stated that he plans to murder [Savage] in cold blood simply because he did not want to share the same fate as Elway, Peyton Manning, and former tight end Shannon Sharpe: to bray incessantly either to news hacks, on television commercials, or to famed homunculus Skip Bayless. There’s also tens of millions of dollars he received from glorious Houston Texans, but that’s neither here nor there. Von Miller has promised severe harm to Texans’ quarterback as well.

“I got no problem with him getting paid, but he disrespected us by getting paid. So even if none of us lay a hand on him, my lovely chickens will make him regret the day he was born!”

Little does Miller know that comrade [Savage] does not scare easily, and certainly not by Von Miller and his army of free range, pot-fed chickens!

How does honorable and decent [Savage] react to threats of bodily dismemberment and death? With quiet dignity and grace. He admitted that he had nothing but respect for the Broncos. And this is thanks he receives for his trouble?

It’s not just [Savage] who may be in physical danger. Cornerback Aqib Talib, who has been compared unfavorable to a pile of mule excrement, according to Ministry sources, is considering the use of what he calls “alternate” means of stopping Texans’ offensive superstar DeAndre Hopkins.

“I know, I know, I’m a pathetic excuse for a defensive player and have less right to walk on this earth than a weasel, but I gotta do what I can to keep a competitive advantage on my opponents, man. That’s why I got this,” he could have said, holding out a stiletto blade projecting from an easily concealable arm brace. “He tries for that ball, he’s gonna wish he didn’t.”

Considering Talib’s competency with using concealed weaponry in the past, Ministry feels that Hopkins will likely be quite safe against Talib’s machinations.

Reconnaissance from Last Week:

The Super Bowl champions lost to the San Diego Chargers 21-13 in game that was not even as close as score would have you believe. Keep in mind that woeful Chargers have only defeated, prior to their triumph over the Mules, the Jacksonville Jaguars, which is saying very little. In all of Chargers’ four losses, they either let opponent back into game in fourth quarter or were never in game to begin with. That is team this Mules squad lost to. If they can’t even beat miserable excuse for team like Chargers, what chance could they possibly have against might of glorious Houston Texans football team?

Praise from the Commentariat


AFC South For Best Division in NFL

The Boyce

I love Texans fans.


Great way to start...


...we’re winning the super bowl[!]


Game. [the baby horses] should just pack it up and go take a shower.


LMAO we're gonna...blow...out...a mediocre, injured colts team.


Hate to be the only optimist here … but if the Texans hold them to a field goal … the miracle could still happen


I Love this team


The these types of games.

Reports from the Fifth Column (Enemy Reaction):


This will be ugly

Colts lose on last minute field goal

RDReynolds (on the lamentable state of putrid baby horses defense)

Third worst in the league on D. That's good, right?


Houston is starting to wake up.


That pick was huge...there's no way around it

Rogco (in admiration of Houston Texans)

alright, two good plays in a row[!]

ColtsFanatic07 (realizing the inevitable fate of his team against mighty Texans)

Stupid Terrible Garbage Hot [Baby] Horse [Kitten!]


The Texans are undermanned and...a good team.

The Colts are not a good team.


omg texans fans are so [awesome]...


Can't wait to see Lucks face when he [kittens!] up now!


This has been...pretty spectacular...