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Hair Of The Dog (Texans-Broncos): The Dog And Pony Show

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The BRB crew discuss, at least nominally, the Texans’ Monday night tilt against the Broncos, but mostly talk about the relative merits of hard root beer.

Houston Texans v Denver Broncos
No good can possibly come from what’s about to happen here.
Photo by Dustin Bradford/Getty Images

Hello. How are you this fine morning? That’s great. I bet you’re hard at work doing whatever it is you’re supposed to be doing and doing quite well at it too.

Say, why don’t you tell us what your plans are for the weekend. For dinner tonight, whether you’re going to carve pumpkins for Halloween, really, just tell us about what’s going on in your world. Because I really, really don’t want to talk about last night’s game any more than I already have.

I was tempted not to write this week’s HotD for this very reason, but I’ve already rented out the blog space, so I might as well use it.

With no more further ado, here’s our ramblings for this week.

Pre-Game:

Capt Ron

May the fleas of a thousand camels infest the crotch and armpit regions of Von Miller and his closest friends. GO TEXANS!!

Mike

After watching The Walking Dead last night, I'm ready for Von Negan and his Lucille wielding friends...

tGC

I fear that this is going to be a bloodbath.

BFD

I fear that I'll be very drunk tonight and have an early meeting tomorrow.

UT

Arian Foster just announced his immediate retirement!

Mike

BFD: Don't fear the beer. Fear the meeting.

UT

I'm going to have to watch this entire game on mute, aren't I?

BFD

I'll always love you, Arian. You were like watching poetry play football.

First Quarter:

UT

Bouye with a beautiful stop there.

BFD

Because the throw was so bad, it wasn't a pick six to Ward.

UT

Another Mallett special to DeAndre.

BFD

Looks like the Broncos are playing a single high safety, allowing Talib to match up one on one with Hopkins in man. Seems to be a theme. Different from what we've seen the past three or so weeks as there's no bracketing. What you'd expect from Son of Bum. Interesting.

I think A.J. Bouye's skin has developed a glue like substance on it.

Mike

What are the odds of back-to-back 6-6 ties in night games?

UT

@Mike: Not funny.

Mike

Closing in on 5 minutes w/o a first down...

BFD

I'm more surprised there hasn't been a pick six.

Weston

Osweiler is throwing a pick six this game.

UT

If this happens here, I'm holding [both of] you personally responsible.

BFD

Gruden correctly corrected me earlier in that the CBs are playing sides, not match-ups.

UT

A little bit of touch on those passes, Brock, if you please.

BFD

Will Fuller drop. DRINK!

TT

KITTEN KITTENIT WILL FULLER

Mike

7:28 before a first down. #OffensiveFirePowerOnDisplay!

Weston

3 and 8 screens makes me want to cut my fingers off.

BFD

Jeff Allen didn't read the stunt correctly on the 2nd down play there.

Oh, kitten, Derek Newton is down hard. Kittenit. Sadly, he's maybe our best OL right now.

UT

Have we had a good offensive line since the Texans got rid of Winston and lost Briesel? Because I'm starting to think one or the other of them hexed the Texans.

They've got the cart out. This can't be good.

Weston

Yeah in 2012, 2014 and 2015.

UT

Huh, wonder why it feels like there's always at least one enormous hole at OL the last few years.

Capt Ron

An air cast on both legs for non-contact? I hope he is OK.

Weston

Probably because you can't tell consistency by broadcast view, and the big missed blocks stand out. To see good OL play you have to go back and watch All-22.

UT

That would probably explain it.

BFD

Re-watching it, it sorta looks like he tore both ACLs. OMG. That's really terrible.

UT

Good kitten. I don't think I've ever seen anybody injure both ACLs at the same time.

Capt Ron

Who's that OT from Cleveland that might be up for trade? Get to work, Rick!!

UT

They already said that they're not trading Joe Thomas. Joe Staley, on the other hand is available in SF.

But they're both left tackles, I don't think they'd be as good at RT.

Mike

Rick Smith doesn't seem to think o-lineman are important. I'd be stunned if they bring in any sort of starting quality guy...

UT

I'm not hanging that necessarily on Rick Smith. Although it does make me wonder if Tom Cable was right. Cable is frequently claiming that college programs nowadays aren't training offensive linemen for the NFL so it's on offensive line coaches to coach up essentially raw talent.

I don't know how applicable it is here, but it does make me wonder.

Weston

Rick Smith is better than most of the GMs in the league.

Mike

Jeff Allen, however, is not better than most of the guards...

Weston

Yeah, but he hits in the first round and this team is filled with talent. But let's complain about and overstate the occasional mistake and ignore how much better off this team is than most in the league.

SCT

And now C.J. Anderson is hurt. Time for Devontae Booker AKA "literally Arian Foster Jr." to come into the game. I loved him so much at Utah.

Second Quarter:

Capt Ron

WTF is going on with Hopkins and Brock not being on the same page?

SCT

It's been a problem all year long. They haven't seen coverages the same way at all yet.

BFD

I do remember an Eagles WR tearing both patella tendons, I believe, on a play. Went to jump, and they both snapped.

Wendell Davis. That's him. I wouldn't recommend watching it.

UT

Not even kittening touched going into the end zone.

Wonderful.

SCT

Corners need to start pressing. They are just giving up slants and ins at will playing that far off.

BFD

Dunn was absolutely buried on Anderson's TD run. Why he's in there instead of Wilfork or Reader is confusing and sad.

UT

Romeo Crennel is out there saying "What's that? Give up more slants and ins? OKAY!"

BFD

The Broncos WANT Tyler Ervin to try and return kick-offs.

UT

Sure, air it out deep to a triple-covered receiver. That can't end badly.

Weston

Run the kittening ball on third and short.

BFD

Goodbye, C.J. Anderson. Hello, Booker.

UT

Please, defense, try to stop the running game. Even if just for a laugh.

BFD

Are interior run defense is like a marshmallow.

Kareem Jackson can tackle in the open field, yo.

Weston

Kareem doesn't look right. He can't break or come down hill on these passes.

Brock Osweiler is averaging 1.7 yards an attempt. 4.4 yards a catch.

Capt Ron

Kevin Johnson would have stopped that TD pass. Kareem Jackson? Not so much.

Weston

Houston is bad. Denver is good.

LoKitteningL at the last three Indy possessions being a turning point for this offense.

UT

I wanted to believe the Indy game was a turning point. I really, really wanted to believe it.

But yeah, this is not working.

BFD

Gary Kubiak >>>>>>>>>>>>>> Bill O'Brien

Trevor Siemian >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Brock Osweiler

UT

Kindly go kitten yourself Jeff Allen, preferably with a large, sharp, rusted gardening instrument.

BFD

Jeff Allen is terrible.

WhyTF is Ryan Griffin in the game on 3rd and long. This offensive scheme is absolutely terrible.

Halftime:

UT

Matt, where is Brock so far on the Brock-O-Meter?

BFD

Crowd booing Kubes, but that was absolutely the right strategy at the end of the half. Don't make any mistakes, and you get the ball at the start of the second half. There are times to be aggressive, and there are times to be conservative. 100% the right strategy.

Meanwhile, BOB is going to come up with a strategy to kick MOAR FIELD GOALS.

UT

I like to think that Kubes was being kind to the Texans right there.

"Yeah, I could keep kicking their kittens here, but I'm going to be nice and resume kicking their kittens in the second half."

HDH

BFD, did you want Kubiak to stay?

SCT

Let's just see how this game and this play out before we go proclaiming that Brock Osweiler is terrible and Gary Kubiak is the patron saint of football.

BFD

Brock is 9/17 for 46 yards with a long of 9. That's not even bad.

Weston

ROTTENWEILER

A pick six away from Brock Bottom.

Capt Ron

There have been terrible calls so far. That last holding called on Allen was very suspect (flop anyone?), but Allen is stinking it up anyway. Texans are running well, but pass-play design, route running and quarterbacking is all hot garbage.

Weston

Brock has been ass for a while now. Gary and won a title. I'm 100% down with that at this point Brett.

UT

Have we checked that Frank Bush isn't on the sideline somewhere? Because I feel like I've seen this defense before, and I know I don't like it.

Weston

I think the pass pro has been good. They are going against one of the best pass rushes in the NFL. A rush is going to happen occasionally, it's not going to be all day on every play.

BFD

@HDH: No, it was time for a change, even for the sake of change. I did say repeatedly, however, that Kubiak would likely find success at some point in his career. He was so close here, but he wasn't able to close the deal. He also never had the talent that BOB has here now.

@SCT: Sure, we can wait, but I don't know how we can't say Osweiler is terrible at this point, seven games in or not. We've seen 26 quarters of football, and Os has been good in about 2.25 of those quarters.

Capt Ron

Actually that's fair regarding protection. I'm still uncertain why the QB and WRs are so often disconnected on the play and routes.

SCT

You and I both know that Wade won that Super Bowl, not Gary.

Third Quarter:

Weston

It was a top ten defense of all time sure, but Kubiak still made do with the worst QB in the league and a bad OL.

BFD

And Clowney is down. Looks like a shoulder. Ugh.

Capt Ron

Tyler Ervin is completely alone on Pluto with nobody around and calls fair catch?!!

UT

Is it a wildcat if Braxton Miller used to be a quarterback?

Even so, are we really bringing back the wildcat again?

Capt Ron

There's that Braxton Miller Wildcat I predicted!!

SCT

That bobbled snap was on Brock. The snap was fine.

Also, please get Stephen Anderson more involved. Thanks.

Weston

idk man alfred blue running a fade from the slot isn't the best idea.

UT

The all field goal offense is successful, ladies and gentlemen.

Mike

Give me a two second head start and I could block a kick.

Capt Ron

FGs vs TDs? Texans' perpetual history. Will our misery ever end after so many years?

BFD

BOB goes for the throat and kicks ANOTHER KITTENING FIELD GOAL.

Weston

I should have seen Elway and Teenage Bottlerocket tonight. This team has wasted our lives for so long.

Mike

@Weston, look at it this way, it took Denver 17 years of existence to lose their first - of four - Super Bowls. I think Houston is better off historically so far. And odds are they'll never be a four time loser...

UT

You really want to put that juju on the Texans, Mike?

Mike

I don't believe in juju - I'm more a mojo kinda guy.

Weston

idk man. Time is so infinite and so precious. I don't know if I can handle that we all waited two years for this team to get a a QB, we got the worst passing offense in the league, have this for two years, and we would have wasted J.J. Watt's prime.

SCT

Why don't we do more quick hitters like that on 3rd and 1? I mean holy kitten he's lined up 7 yards off...they just give it to you every time.

UT

The Cubs haven't won a World Series since before the first World War, and haven't been to one in most of our lifetimes (I can't speak for BFD).

I don't like the idea of "we can wait, it's only been x number of years."

SCT

Osweiler scrambling from pressure literally looks like a giraffe running from a pack of lions.

UT

First turnover of the game and somehow it's not due to Brock Osweiler.

In an odd way that's kind of refreshing.

Weston

Or, like, you can just run the ball on third and one because you have had success at it all night and it is this Broncos' defense weakness.

SCT

And now Bouye is hurt. Awesome.

BFD

Damn. Brock makes plays, and we get bitten by the bad luck bug. Kitten just kinda happens some times.

Oh no, not A.J. Bouye.

Mike

Pretty soon, Brock is going to be the only starter left...

SCT

Kareem Jackson is having one of his kitten years, I guess. You never know what you're going to get with him.

UT

I'm breaking into the hard root beer.

Incidentally, if you're interested, this Coney Island Hard Root Beer is pretty damned good.

Weston

After looking at Osweiler's stat line, I may have to run to the corner store.

Capt Ron

I like the St. Arnold's root beer.

Also, 3 FG's v. 3 TD's, because Texans.

UT

[St. Arnold] make root beer? I'll have to see if [local alcoholic beverages store] carries it.

BFD

If we kick another field goal this game, that's #losing.

Dunsmore

Oh look, Lord of the Rings is on.

Fourth Quarter:

Mike

And Duane Brown is grabbing his knee in pain...

How is that a fumble? Is this the Tuck Rule crew?

BFD

I no longer have the words to describe Osweiler. I don't think this is a fumble, but still.

Capt Ron

You can't make this kitten up. His arm was moving forward and the ball went forward. WTF?!! Sounds like the description of a pass. The NFL no longer knows what a pass or a catch is?!!

I have had enough with O'Brien's kitten offense. Screw this entire pathetic system that is a steaming pile week after damn week.

kdentify

I don't have enough alcohol to get through this season with this team.

BFD

We're down by 15, AND RYAN GRIFFIN IS STILL IN THE GAME.

UT

I'm kind of surprised we haven't tried a halfback pass yet, because why the kitten not at this point.

kdentify

He and BO have two years to show something. At this point, I don't think it's going to happen. My current (irrational?) hope is that Uncle Bob doesn't allow him to claim injuries as a reason for being such a kitten offense.

UT

If I've learned anything from the Gary Kubiak era, it's that Uncle Bob is very forgiving, maybe entirely too forgiving.

Weston

I'm perplexed they didn't run more often in the first half when the game was close. That was on the coaching staff. Everything else has been on Osweiler. The turning point of this team was refusing to take a QB in ‘13.

Also after reading that Foxworth article I really want to see some intermediate PA passes. Everything is PA deep, and Denver is double covering their deep pass attempts.

kdentify

But that was before the cancer. Now he's ornery and talking to the press. Kittenit UT, let me believe!!!!

UT

KD, if my dreams are dead, everybody else's must die as well.

MNF Announcer: Texans are going for it on fourth down.

/UT guzzles large swig of root beer

Weston

Lol, he throws a four yard out on 4th and 10.

If I'm DeAndre Hopkins I sign somewhere else this offseason. Kiiiiiiitten this.

Post-Game:

UT

We have reached the Elway-sniffing portion of tonight's program.

Capt Ron

Aqib Talib: "We like our defense against their route concepts." Translation: Houston's offensive system is garbage and easy to cover.

Dunsmore

Brock Osweiler's 3.2 yards per pass attempt vs @Broncos is 3rd-fewest in a single game by a player with 40+ attempts in the Super Bowl era.

Hey! Let’s give out some game balls!

Hey, UT, how about we don’t?

Well, figment of my imagination, we gotta give a game ball to someone.

Offense: Since nobody is deserving this week, I give the offensive game ball to Coney Island Hard Root Beer, because it is delicious.

Defense: A.J. Bouye. He was incredible in tonight’s game, the lone bright spot in an otherwise empty game devoid of satisfaction and joy.