Rise for the Hymn of the Texans:
Comrades! Our glorious Houston Texans return home after their successful unveiling of Supreme Leader O’Brien’s all field goal offense against the Mules of Denver on Monday night! O’Brien’s new unstoppable offense, combined with aerial efforts of [Tom Savage] and Texans’ passing game, leaves no doubt that team will have tremendous impact on the football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans’ season.
On Sunday, the Texans will face off against Detroit Lions, a team that suffers from the slings and arrows of outrageous mediocrity. Until Sunday, Lions had not won a single game and look to be a prime target for destruction at hands of mighty Houston Texans.
Let us give praise to the Texans’ right tackle Derek Newton. During game against woefully inadequate Mules of Denver, the great patriot of Texans’ offensive line was savagely cut down in a cowardly manner by Denver turf in attempt to discredit Texans’ offense. The plot failed, however, as mighty [Tom Savage] went on to throw for 613 yards and six touchdowns against weaklings that make up Denver’s defense.
Rumors began to float around after Texans game that juggernaut [Savage] might be benched by Supreme Leader O’Brien. However, this is not the case, as Supreme Leader O’Brien, according to Ministry sources, felt this would be unfair to [Savage].
“[Savage] is having a career year, having put up 3,600 yards on the season already. I thought briefly about starting Tom Savage in his place so our opponents do not lose all hope of winning before kick-off. But this is what we brought Brock in for, and we will not deviate from the course of victory to spare the feelings of teams that are objectively inferior to ours,” O’Brien may have said to Ministry representative.
Although victory is virtually certainty, there are reasons to be concerned about hapless Detroit Lions. That starts with pretentious quarterback John Stafford. Unlike great and humble Matt Schaub, quarterback Stafford insists on getting respect from everyone around him by requiring use of full middle name “Matthew.” But Ministry of Information does not acquiesce to demands from pompous quarterbacks.
Over last couple of seasons, John’s performance has improved from woefully bad to merely below average. Much of that improvement is attributed to comically named offensive coordinator Jim Bob Cooter.
Cooter changed the scheme in which John Stafford has operated over last several years. Gone are long deep passes that have plagued career and a small portion of stupid interceptions he caused. Instead, Cooter has made John move faster.
“We made some changes to how John...I mean Matthew, does things under center, I tell you what,” Cooter could have told reporter for Ministry of Information. “I wanted to make him faster, get that ball outta his hands in less than three seconds, so I started using some of what I like to call CrossNeck training skills. I wanted him to get stronger so I had him wrestle a coupla gators down in the Georgia swamps, make him feel like he at home. Then I had him chuck hubcaps down the road, work on his accuracy some, y’know? But the big thing is I got him going faster, makin’ quicker decisions. Every time he snap the ball, I played the main banjo strum from ‘Dueling Banjos’ and shoutin’ ‘You better get that ball out, boy! Or them defensive ends’re gonna make you squeal like a pig!’”
The Lions are coached by stoic cyborg and failed baby horses head coach Jim Caldwell. According to less than reliable outside sources, Caldwell is believed to be on hot seat in Detroit. However, much more trustworthy sources indicate that Caldwell is safe for at least a few more years.
“We’ve already had our fill of hotheaded coaches,” probably said Martha Ford in enforced interview with the Ministry. “We want to stick with the cool, if not downright cold, hand of someone who does not give in to anger and impetuous decisions.”
It is believed that this was a reference to former Lions coach Jim Schwartz, who threw a challenge flag, and possibly a challenge cow, after emergency spare running back Justin Forsett ran for an 81-yard touchdown in 2012 and whose knee at no point was ever down.
The Lions could also be without key pieces on both marginal offense and defense. Top corner, Darius Slay, who nobody has heard of even within his own family, claims to have a sore hamstring and his status for Sunday is uncertain.
This is, as we all know, merely a ploy by Slay to avoid having to face ultraphenom DeAndre Hopkins. It would not be first time an opposing corner has tried to get out of a game against Hopkins, and undoubtedly will not be the last.
Riley Reiff, offensive lineman, missed practice Wednesday due to sniffles. This is not an acceptable thing to miss practice for. It should be noted that as of Tuesday evening, Braxton Miller was at death’s door with what doctors referred to as “bubonic ebola.” He had hallucinations, chills, fever, sweat, and constant vomiting, and even he got out onto practice field, as was sacred duty of being football player for glorious Houston Texans. Anything short of death is not excuse to miss practice!
The Lions also traded high draft pick linebacker Kyle Van Noy, who is in third year in the NFL, and a seventh round pick to the “Patriots” for sixth round pick in next year’s draft. Questionable reports say that trade was result of Lions’ staff being impatient with development and wanting to get something for him. According to the ever-reliable reporters within the Ministry, the real reason is Lions were tired of his negativity.
“All day long it was, ‘we’ll never beat the Texans,’ or ‘what chance do we have against that offense?’ It got really tiring after a while,” said former Texan [UNPERSON], “I mean, we all know it’s true; we are in deep trouble against that passing attack. But we don’t wanna hear about it all day every day. It got to be too much so he had to go.”
Reconnaissance from Last Week
The Lions were on track to remain winless until John Stafford threw 18-yard touchdown pass to only Lions receiver that did not retire during the offseason, senior citizen Anquan Boldin. As such, Lions are 1-6 coming into Houston to face still undefeated Texans.
Praise from Loyal Texans Fans (Taken From Actual Game Threads!)
All these Broncos defenders love Brock.
come on Brock time to shine.
They're not booing. They're saying Boo-rock.
Jeff Allen literally can...block anyone I feel.
Their offense can't do a damn thing.
the [Broncos] defense as a whole is mediocre.
O’Brien’s brilliant offense is complex...
Keep it up boys!
Let's get this win man!!!!
This game is a bloodbath [for Denver].
[Field goals] are all we need to win this game.
i think [Alfred Blue] is alot better than most people...
Fifth Column Reports (Comments from the Opponent)
Texans are...getting down the field.
Rocky Mountain Way
We're in trouble...guys.
Looks like [Brock] will be on track to be who Houston acquired him to be.
...we aren't scoring.
...the [Texans] offense just look[s] SO MUCH better...
WE MISS YOU [BROCK]!!