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Hair Of The Dog: It Was The Best Of Dogs, It Was The Worst Of Dogs

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The BRB writers get together to talk about the Texans-BESFs game as it happened. Some of it was even publishable!

Tennessee Titans v Houston Texans
“Do you know what you’re doing? No? How ‘bout you? Nobody has a clue? Excellent! We’re ready.”
Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

Well...they won. That’s the best thing I can say about this game. They won, it counts, and our Texans now have a two game lead on what is probably the worst division in the league.

That just warms the heart, I guess.

Anyway, the hive mind of BRB watched the game and shared their thoughts. They’re written below because it wouldn’t make any sense to write them above the intro.

As always, all swear words have been replaced with the word “kitten,” guaranteed or your money back.

Pregame:

Luke

Care for a list of the QB's that the Texans have beaten the Titans with?

TJ Yates

Matt Schaub

Brian Hoyer

Brandon Weeden

Ryan Fitzpatrick

David Carr

A notable mention for Jake Delhomme, who in his only appearance for the Texans at QB lost to the Titans by one point in the final week of the 2011 season.

UT

Looks like the Clots are going to pull yet another win out of their ass.

Luke

The Jags are doing the football version of hocking up a hairball.

UT

I've seen this movie before. The Colts have this one in the bag.

Luke

Oh wow, the Jags actually did it. In front of their soon to be hometown fans too!

UT

Here's a question: are they rushing Cushing back? I mean, they went from "he's ahead of schedule" to "he's playing."

Does it seem like maybe the coaching staff hasn't learned from the whole J.J. thing?

Mike

Totally.

I'd bet it's a lot of Cushing's ego, though. He's a bad, bad man with a big ego and enough pride and will to convince people he's gonna be the savior with J.J. out. Whether his ligaments and tendons agree is a different conversation.

BRC

I don't think so.

It was a grade 1 issue with his MCL. Three weeks is definitely not unreasonable for that kind of issue.

I would have said 4 weeks, but it could have been a very minor issue, thus 3 weeks.

First Quarter

BFD

Cover man 2 look from the BE-SFs on the first play of the game. Even Mularkey and his moronic staff could pick up on that.

UT

Miller's getting a lot of looks early here.

After the C.J. Fiedorowicz touchdown (yes, you read that right):

UT

A tight end touchdown?

What the actual kitten?

Mike

Want your offense to look great? Play a truly terrible defense.

BRC

Miller running wide, wow.

Tight end??? Fiedorowicz! What a catch, my friend.

Capt Ron

Let's make sure Godsey never "goes down to field level" again, because this no-huddle offense with O'Brien on the mic is working.

Luke

Can't tell if offense is good or defense is terrible.

Either way, ''WHO ARE YOU AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH C.J. FIEDOROWICZ?!?!''

HDH

Haha, nobody was more surprised by that touchdown than CJF was.

BRC

Everything about that drive looked better.

But playing the Titans helps.

Mike

Now if Houston's defense can hold off the run game for once this year...

After the BESFs punt sails over Tyler Ervin’s head:

UT

That was the best punt Tyler Ervin has ever returned.

BFD

EXOTIC SMASHMOUTH ON YOUR KITTEN.

Later...

BFD

Jay Prosch really made the difference on that run. I hope he gets more snaps!

Or, you know, cut.

Mike

The announcer just said, "Nice start for Brock Osweiler". Can someone wake me up?

UT

Polish Hat again. Something is very wrong here.

Mike

And then Ryan Griffin? What the KITTEN is going on?!

UT

That catch by Fuller looked so easy and such a no-doubter that I fully expected him to drop it.

BRC

I mean, he tried his best to drop it.

Luke

Holy kitten, this defense is terrible.

At least Brock is working the terrible AFC South teams like we hoped he would.

Vega

I've been working on my yard/patio all weekend, and I'm freaking exhausted. I need a game like this.

Luke

Man, I love Kareem Jackson as a tackler. He had no business making that tackle on Murray.

After a wide receiver screen to Will Fuller that worked:

Vega

I'm not sure I'm ready to live in a world where the WR screen is a proven, successful play.

BRC

That Fuller speed is just beautiful. I would have been angry at that play call in years past, but no longer.

Second Quarter:

UT

If I die at any point between now and December, you can bet Will Fuller had something to do with it.

The Texans go on defense:

Capt Ron

Kareem Jackson getting smoked like a ham out there.

Vega

Uh... wasn't Mariota inside the tackles there? Why isn't that intentional grounding?

After the BESFs score:

Mike

And of course we let Tennessee elevate their measly 5.3 points per first half...

Capt Ron

Ben Jones flagged after the TD for unsportsmanlike conduct. Did he try to eat the NRG turf?

Mike

So, is it because he used to play in the secondary that Rick Smith puts no value on offensive linemen? It seems like every year one he let go comes back and bites Houston in the butt while their replacement under performs.

UT

Another Fiedorowicz catch. He thinks he's a football player or something.

Capt Ron

F150 looks upgraded to F350 this game.

Mike

One more big tight end play. Toss up a naked bootleg and I'm gonna start having Kubiak flashbacks...

Capt Ron

Brock needs to get Hopkins on his fantasy team or something. Where’s the love?!!

Vega

I think the offensive line is hung over.

Luke

Os should have made that throw to Strong. He straight up airmailed that one.

Fiedorowicz is injured:

Mike

Well, so much for C.J. having a career game. Maybe he can join J.J. on the Poopy John’s commercial circuit.

BRC

That looks bad.

Probably ACL.

Capt Ron

They are checking his left knee on the table on the sidelines.

Mariota is picked off:

UT

It just occurred to me that calling for the dismantling of one of Oregon's favorite football players while in Portland may be counterproductive to my well-being.

Kitten it, destroy him.

Or pick him off. That works too.

Mike

DEMPS!!!

Vega

Nice pick by Demps, but that may have been the most blatant non-holding call I've ever seen.

Osweiler throws an interception intended for DeAndre Hopkins:

Capt Ron

KITTEN Brock looks like he is playing with a live scorpion hanging on his nuts.

Mike

What is it with the chemistry between Os and Nuk?

Luke

Well, I guess this isn't the week that Brock doesn't throw a INT.

BRC

Not a bad decision to go there, but too much heat on it.

Capt Ron

Hal got hit in the "treasure chest" by Mariota's foot.

UT

It seems like on every other play the Texans give up one half of the field or the other.

Mike

One thing's evident from watching this game and the Colts/Jags disaster this morning. The AFC South stinks...

Capt Ron

Brock thinks he is a Jedi; turned off his targeting computer. He’s no Luke Skywalker! SMH.

UT

I'm surprised that tackle wasn't flagged since he came from out of bounds to get him.

Luke

He was a mile out of bounds.

The dumbest 15 seconds in Texans history:

BFD

That looks like a first to me. Really kitteny spot.

UT

His knee was down a yard short. I wish it weren't the case.

And then they just boned themselves out of a field goal try.

Vega

That was just stupid on O'Brien.

Mike

What is wrong with the Texans staff? Terrible clock management two games in a row...

Capt Ron

Willing to buy a time management expert; or even a journeyman...or a one-armed, blind, three-footed, hunchback at this stage.

Vega

This may be the overall dumbest end to a half that I've ever seen.

UT

Everybody on the field looks exasperated, like nobody knows what the kitten is going on.

Mike

Oh hey, here's an idea, let's kick the ball out of bounds! That ALWAYS helps...

Halftime Thoughts:

BFD

This team can't decide if it's relevant or grossly incompetent.

Mike

"That was completely uncompetent," Homer Simpson.

UT

Can we go back to doing what we were doing in the first quarter? I would love that forever.

Luke

Also can this team make up it's mind on whether or not it's good or bad? The run defense has been spotty against EXOTIC SMASHMOUTH and the Os kinda killed the momentum with that pick.

Third Quarter:

Capt Ron

Interesting things in Texans' sideline: CJF on a bike, Clark getting his ass chewed about something, and Clowney is smashing his helmet into the turf after getting pulled off the field for his second offsides penalty. Meanwhile Novak and Weeks are having a thumb war.

Luke

Gotta give A.J. Bouye credit. He's become a nice little counter to TEs this season.

Capt Ron

The officials continue to ignore blatant holding, and add more fuel to the raging debate on if it is worth investing in pass rushers in the NFL. Spoiler: "Nope!"

Vega

So you all had the over on when Hopkins was going to get his first catch too, right?

Mike

Speaking of, what's the over/under on when George Godsey gets the ax?

Another Osweiler interception:

UT

And when he does throw it to Nuk, he's covered like friggin' State Farm.

Luke

What a horrible throw.

Vega

There is no excuse for underthrowing that ball to Hopkins that badly. None.

Capt Ron

Brock underthrows Hopkins for another interception. John Elway's evil laugh erupts from the visiting owner's suite in Tampa.

BFD

More terrible decision making from Brock there. Hopkins had no chance on that play with Cox having inside leverage, yet, here we are.

There have been several throws by Brock where I couldn't tell who the intended receiver was, either.

Wilfork playing easily his best game in a Texans uni.

kdentify

I console myself with the fact that we only have to keep Brock for two seasons and those two seasons coincide with the last two seasons of OB’s contract.

Luke

He stacked and shedded. I haven't seen him do that since he got here.

Will Fuller’s punt return for a touchdown:

UT

AND THEN WILL KITTENING FULLER RETURNS A PUNT FOR A TOUCHDOWN!!!

Vega

Ha. Even Fuller doesn't want Brock back on the field.

BRC

What is a punt return touchdown and how do we score one?

Luke

Oh man, a special teams TD. I think I might be having a stroke.

Thank you, Will Fuller. Never stop being awesome.

Capt Ron

I was about to type a bold statement about Clowney rising up for a dominant defensive series, but before I could type the first character, Will Fuller broke the land speed record with a punt returned for a touchdown. Holy KITTEN that kid has speed!!!

Vega

For a brief moment, I thought that BOB was employing the strategic, short kickoff approach, but then I realized that Novak is kicking it as hard as he can.

Fourth Quarter:

Capt Ron

Cushing just dumped a full barrel of KITTEN YOU all over Ben Jones on his way to a tackle for a loss on Murray.

Tennessee challenges what was at the time believed to be a first down:

UT

Tennessee is challenging that? I thought they gave them the first down?

Luke

YOU FIGHT FOR EVERY FIRST DOWN WHEN YOU PLAY FOR MIKE MULARKEY! THE OFFICIALS GIVE YOU THE FIRST DOWN? SCREW THAT. YOU GOTTA FIGHT THEM FOR THAT CALL.

BFD

Perrish Cox is one of the worst CBs in the league, and Brock is making him look like Revis Island.

Luke

What is Brock seeing when he looks at Hopkins? Cox has him blanketed and he still see's fit to try and get the ball to him.

Vega

Brock was amazing in the first quarter. He's been the opposite of amazing since.

Weston

If you can't throw the ball to DeAndre Hopkins, something is wrong with you. I'm beginning to think Oswiler's ceiling is Joe Flacco, and he might not ever even reach that.

Also, “The Art of Acceleration is the perfect nickname for Will Fuller.

MDC

Is Cox the one Rivers trolled at the Combine?

Mike

How did Adam Archuelleta survive in this league not knowing the difference between a 3-4 end and 4-3 tackle?

The bogus pass interference call:

Mike

Charles James, helping the enemy since 2016.

Luke

What did you originally think his ceiling was, Weston?

Also, just because someone falls over on a passing attempt doesn't mean it's a PI call.

Mike

Ok, after seeing the replay, that wasn't James' fault. Just another uncompetent call by the refs.

BFD

Once again: Brock Osweiler = taller Case Keenum without the sharting.

A.J. Bouye is BALLIN' right now. Goodness gracious.

After the Texans murder the punter and the refs ruled a non-penalty as a repeated down:

UT

Why are you replaying the down? The kitten?

Vega

Clete Blakeman: "Uh... we kittened, up, so screw the Texans."

BRC

That is a massive kittening kitten you incompetent ass hats

Osweiler finally connects with DeAndre:

UT

If you had "middle of the fourth quarter" for DeAndre's first catch of the game, congratulations, you win the pool.

Weston

Oracle GIF me DeAndre Hopkins kissing the football.

UT

Oh look, tons of yardage on the outside for Lamar Miller.

Imagine that.

Weston (in response to Luke)

Above average, like Matthew Stafford. Now it seems like his play is tied directly to the deep ball.

Capt Ron

The Hologram of Derek Newton returns. His pass-protection must be the worst in the league.

Osweiler runs for the first down

UT

From the Peyton Manning school of running.

Vega

He learned everything from Manning. Except how to read a defense. Or how to be a douchebag.

Texans go for it on fourth down and fail:

BFD

Thank goodness we continue to employ Jay Kitten Prosch.

Mike

So much for O'Brien calling the plays...

Luke

HELL YEAH ALWAYS GO FOR IT ON FOURTH DOWN

*Sees the play*

DON'T GIVE IT TO PROSCH!

Capt Ron

Terrible spot that should have been challenged. Instead OB goes full kitten with a fullback run for zero yards and turns over on downs. There are high school coaches more competent than this.

Weston

I can't wait for this Andre Johnson game-tying TD catch.

(Author’s note: Keep in mind, this is the same person who said in a previous HotD that he’d trade a Texans loss for a Rangers win. His wish came true then, too.)

Vega

Relax, guys. It's not like you have a 6'7" QB who should be able to pick up that first down by just falling.

Weston

You would think that, but that big kitten doesn't know how to QB sneak. He can't get low enough.

I'm trying to decide if I'm going to get an Andre Hal or Fuller V shirtsey. Being a hipster is a rough life.

Luke

The real hipster pick is Benardrick McKinney.

UT

Get an A.J. Bouye shirtsey.

BRC

Going to Andre Johnson on third and fourth down with the game on the line, used to be a great idea.

Thank kitten for that.

Vega

Man, this may turn out to be a victory, but I feel like I've lost even more confidence in both O'Brien and Osweiler.

Truer words were never spoken, Vega.

Hey! Let’s give out some game balls!

Offense: Will Fuller, because he’s awesome and terrifying all at once.

Defense: A.J. Bouye, because we already had the initials etched and his name was the easiest to fit on. Also, he had a monster game today.

Special Teams: Will Fuller, because he scored a touchdown on special teams which is like seeing a solar eclipse caused by all the planets aligning, and because he’s not Tyler Ervin.