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Hair of the Dog (Texans-Lions): Dogs and Cats Playing Together, Mass Hysteria!

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The BRB crew comes together to watch a snoozer of a game.

Detroit Lions v Houston Texans Photo by Bob Levey/Getty Images

It seems like bad form to say it after watching Brock Osweiler soil himself against Denver and after beating a team that was on a three game winning streak, but that was a surprisingly boring win the Texans pulled out against the Detroit Lions, wasn’t it? I mean, of course, I’ll take a boring win over a spectacular loss any day of the week, but it just felt like “beige wallpaper, the football game.” Sure it’s functional and gets the job done, but you really wanted the helicopter wallpaper that cost exactly as much but no, we had to get beige because “the helicopters don’t match the appliances,” but not everything HAS TO MATCH THE APPLIANCES, DOES IT?

But, yeah, beige is okay. And a win is more than okay. We all more or less agreed on that in this week’s Hair of the Dog.

As always, in an effort to make this safe to read at work, all swear words have been replaced with “kitten.”

Pre-Game Thoughts:

Weston

I'm making the panda suit sticky again tomorrow.

First Quarter:

UT

I dreamt about the Texans last night. They were really disappointing and this was a dream where I was prepared to be disappointed.

Luke

Why are we still playing our corners 5 yards off the receiver?

UT

Hey, how about that, a stop!

Mike

They said this receiving crew has called the most penalties this season. So, maybe they'll flag Brock if he tries to throw another fumble...

Luke

Spoke too soon, UT.

Mike

They have no answers for Clowney! Man, I hope he and Watt can stay healthy next year.

Luke (to UT)

Scratch that. I was pre-emptively expecting them to allow some kind of extra yardage.

UT (to Mike)

That doesn't look like Jeff Tripplette out there.

Mike

Best run defense in the NFL! (*not included in this game)

Luke

Please start playing Press Man.

Mike (on the missed Detroit field goal)

Love that sound from opponents >DOINK<

Weston

I can't wait for another Osweiler three and out.

UT

That's what you get for trying to imitate flawless all field-goal offense of Supreme Leader O'Brien!

Mike (to Luke)

Have you done the math on what Brock's stats would look like if the receivers would stop dropping the KITTENING ball all the time?

Luke (to Mike)

Probably the same as if the throw was in some ways decent.

Mike

Wait! Did Griffin just catch a pass? Wha---

Luke

That's the passing offense. TEs finding space between LBs and Safeties.

UT

For a first down, too. None of this makes sense.

Mike

I wonder if Brock would play better if he was yelling Omaha instead of 59 Larry?

Luke

WHAT AN ELABORATE FAKE OUT! LITTLE DID THE LIONS KNOW THAT THE TEXANS WANTED TO THE CLOCK TO RUN DOWN ALL ALONG.

Second Quarter:

UT (to Mike)

If he were to start yelling Omaha at the line, I think I'd be morally obligated to call for his immediate replacement.

First and goal? WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!

Luke

Dammit, they couldn't stop at just ruining Jack Bauer's life. They had to go create another poor soul to torture into oblivion. I hate remakes so much.

Mike

Waaaaiiiiit for iiiiittt...

Luke

Alfred Blue red zone carries.

UT (on C.J. Fiedorowicz’ touchdown catch)

Oh sure, the Texans score a touchdown when I had "GLORY TO ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE" ready to go.

However...holy kitten, an actual red zone touchdown pass to a tight end!!! THE END IS NEAR!!!!

Texans up 7-0.

Luke

That looked pretty close to a PI call on CJF. He damn near stiff-armed the LB.

Mike

That entire scoring drive brought to you by the Tight Ends of Texas.

(to Luke) The passing fumble last week gives Houston a season long pass on cheating...

Luke

Sticky Bouye is not a name I would want given to me.

Mike

And pathetic baby horses are losing to racially insensitive team from Kansas City.

UT

The Texans went for it on 4th and 1 at the 43 and the Saints kicked the field goal at the four yard line at 4th and 1. This explains everything. Sean Payton and Bill O'Brien had a Freaky Friday happen to them.

Luke

Alfred Blue, the hard yard maker. #StartBlue

UT

And of course Fiedorowicz is hurt.

Mike

And now Strong...

Luke

No please, not Strong. I don't want Keith Mumphery to get snaps.

TT

Not Jaelen, please not Jaelen. I love him so much.

UT

Braxton Miller is active. I think he gets the nod before Mumbles.

Luke

STEPHEN ANDERSON!!!!!!!!!

Mike

NICE!!! That's what Brock and D'Hop should ALWAYS do!

Luke

Yeah throwing it to Hop seems to work.

UT (on Lamar Miller’s TD)

That was beautiful and thoroughly confusing.

Luke

Soooooooooo...

We've looked kinda good? I'm not sure how to process this.

UT

I've chalked it up to bad passing defense so far and with their top corner missing, it can't be an improvement [for the Lions].

Mike

Second time this season to rack up a 14 point lead early. Let hope they don't let off the gas like they did against the Titans.

kdentify

I keep being pleasantly surprised by what's coming across my Twitter TL. The perfect ending to a weekend that includes National Cat Day is the Texans looking like a real NFL team.

UT

I'm surprised Detroit tried the deep ball there since Jim Bob Cooter, which is now the greatest coaching name in the NFL, is trying to de-emphasize that in the Lions offense.

Mike

D'Hop earned his check on that catch. Wow.

UT

Fiedorowicz back on the field. And this almost looks like a passing game.

Mike

Love that "lay down and dance" sack celebration by Clowney! LOL.

Luke

Wide 9 Clowney is fun Clowney.

SCT

Fedora is FEASTING today.

Mike

Ok, Fuller's now had two drops today. Time to start catching the ball.

UT

It's been fun to watch [Fiedorowicz] so far today.

Should I be concerned that this has been a really easy half of football to watch?

Mike (on Osweiler’s pick)

Or not... Well, the one-game streak without a Brockerception was nice while it lasted.

Luke

Not easy anymore.

UT

Ladies and gentlemen, your Brock Bottom pick of the week.

Like kittening clockwork.

Luke

I was going to say of all the times to throw a interception, that's probably the least damagaing. But little did I know that the Texans’ defense would decide to suddenly channel their inner culinder

Mike

Well, now Ervin can get a pre-halftime great return for a touchdown... for Detroit after he fumbles coming out of the end zone.

Halftime Thoughts:

Capt Ron

I'm sitting right where that pick happened. Brock stared at Hopkins the whole time (at least 3 full KITTENING seconds)! How does any QB not learn to look-off by the time they reach the NFL?!!

Mike

When watching this team click and perform like they should but then turn around a moment later and play like the three stooges in 11 jerseys, the brain just twists into a pretzel trying to comprehend what's going on.

Hopefully, things are finally slowing down for Brock and the receivers coach is in the locker room right now teaching Fuller and Co. how to catch.

Luke

Detroit's LBs really cannot cover our TEs and that's where most of the Texans’ yards are coming right now.

Zone or man, they really can't hide the fact that it's a struggle for them to cover.

Not really sure what's going on with Will Fuller right now.

Capt Ron

Hopefully they find an OC to call plays too. A draw with Braxton Miller on 3rd and 9 in scoring range?!!! The play calling is still a joke.

Third Quarter:

UT

Holy kitten, BOB is kittened. Why is BOB kittened? I totally missed what happened before that.

kdentify

One of the ST guys effed up and the coach was apparently getting an earful because of it.

Luke

Braxton Miller sighting.

Dunsmore

Lucky charm ready...

(Editor’s note: this is Ryan Dunsmore’s newborn son, Jackson)

kdentify

How precious!!! He doesn't look like he's paying any attention to the game at all, but he's precious!

Tim

I'm chiming in on HOTD solely to say that Jackson has spoken. This is a win.

Mike

Grimey! That makes it 6-11 on 3rd down today.

SCT

That was definitely a Hopkins fumble

Luke

Kitten, he wasn't down.

UT

It would be if anybody knew what a catch was anymore.

Chris

Inept Lions for not challenging, inept Osweiler for changing the play instead of quick-snapping , inept Lions for not taking advantage of Osweiler changing the play which gave them one last chance . All kinds of dumb in that sequence.

Luke

That's more like it from Fuller.

UT

GLORY TO TEXANS FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

Capt Ron

Brock's red zone gives me red kitten.

Luke

Theo Riddick vs. Brian Cushing is painful to watch.

Fourth Quarter:

Luke

Riddick was wide open.

UT (on the Lions touchdown)

Oh, dear.

This is shaping up to be the fastest HOTD of the season.

Luke

We're all saving ourselves for the inevitable 4th quarter Lions comeback/Texans capitulation.

(on the Tyler Ervin muffed punt): Dammit Tyler Ervin, don't do that to me.

UT

Yeah, I about had a seizure seeing him muff the punt there.

Luke

And now Fuller's banged up. Great.

UT

To be fair, it's not like he was doing a whole lot this game in the first place.

Luke

And the #StartBlue chants grow louder and louder.

Chris

Those people should seek immediate medical attention.

UT

Oh kitten it, Osweiler.

Luke

Well......I guess it's still a one score game.

Capt Ron

I'm convinced that Brock eats with a cork on the end of his fork so he doesn't gouge his own eye out.

UT

You've been watching Dirty Rotten Scoundrels again, haven't you, Ruprecht?

Capt Ron

"Oklahoma! Oklahoma! Oklahoma!"

Mike

I'll take 10-20 and let's just end this thing...

Chris

Texans specials going full Marciano in front of Marciano. Can't make this kitten up.

Capt Ron

That's it! From now on I dub Brock: "Ruprecht, Warden of the Stare-Down."

UT

And victory formation!

Mike

5-3 into the bye week! And come back to play Jacksonville.

Post-Game Thoughts:

Mike

First 5-0 home start in Texans history. Much easier to feel good about that and turn a blind eye to the inequities that will keep them from advancing through the playoffs for the next two weeks.

Luke

Not going to lie. That was pretty boring. It's great to get a win, but man, I'm not going to be able to remember anything about this game two weeks from now.

Chris

As much as we constantly complain SO MUCH about the Texans, that was actually some fairly impressive hard-nosed finishing work. Doesn't change anything of course, but they deserve credit for closing that game out rather decisively against a hot team and hot QB.

Zzzzzzzz....wut? Oh. Oh! Hey! Let’s give out some game balls!

Offense: C.J. Fiedorowicz. 5 receptions for 43 yards and a touchdown. It’s not much, but he’s starting to see a lot of balls head his way of late.

Defense: I’m going to say Jadeveon Clowney because he sacked Matthew Stafford while sliding over him. That was pretty cool.