clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

BRB Ministry of Information’s Houston Texans Week Five Preview: Minnesota Vikings

New, comments

This is the most objective, unbiased preview of the Texans-Vikings game you will read anywhere on the planet.

War is Peace. Freedom is Texan. Ignorance is Tennessean.
Photograph made by Capt Ron

Play This First (Mood Music)

Comrades! Our mighty Houston Texans stand triumphant over the weak and pitiful Hill Folk from Southern Kentucky with a 27-20 victory! While the score may have been closer than many peace and football-loving fanatics of Houston would have preferred, it is worth noting that the Ministry has discovered written memorandum from great comrade McNair to the Texans coaching staff to avoid blowing the wretched traitors out of the water as mighty Texans offense is more than capable of doing.

“It is not right to kick a dog, no matter how toothless, lame, and deranged it may be. Let us be kind to those lesser creatures, no matter how little they may deserve it,” wrote comrade McNair in his missive. He went on to say that, “it could also prove useful as a subterfuge against the next opponent.”

How right our great comrade is! Even though glorious Houston Texans football team does not have need for such trickery, it never hurts to use when it makes itself available. This is why glorious field leader of the Texans, Brock Osweiler, has been awarded the Order of Schaub for his deceptively skillful performance against the hated unpersons from Tennessee.

This week, the Texans face a mortal enemy in the Minnesota Vikings, a team that, if given their way, would hold all outsiders hostage and put them under the lash in their slave galley of a football stadium. Their galley, a palace of untold extortion and greed, comes complete with its own gjallarhorn, a horn intended to call the attention of fraudulent deities who will not be able to help the Vikings against glorious Texans football team.

Their current war chief, Teddy Bridgewater, will not be seen on Sunday as he found a convenient way of avoiding the swarm of heroic Texans defense by tearing his ACL during a practice where, according to objective Ministry sources, the only things that came in contact with the quarterback were a goose down pillow and Ernest, his ultra-plush teddy bear.

“It was the bear that did it,” said Bridgewater, probably. “The cushy pillow was almost too much for me to bear,” he paused for laughs but respectable, stoic Ministry reporters refuse to laugh at puns. “But Ernest...man, Ernest just shattered my knee like it was nothing.”

Instead of the simpering Bridgewater, the overcompensatingly hairy Vikings will use probable serial killer Sam Bradford to guide their team to inevitable failure.

Before the season started, Vikings general manager, a buffoon named Spielman, traded first and fourth round picks to the Eagles for Bradford and his walk-in freezer full of human remains, a foolish move that has yet to pay off for the almost winless Vikings. It is worth noting that Marshal of the Texans, Rick Smith, who is fresh into his third five-year plan to make Texans the indisputably greatest team the world has ever seen or will ever see, would never make such a hasty, ill-conceived decision.

Bridgewater’s cowardice pales in comparison to Adrian Peterson’s. Peterson decided he didn’t even want to risk the possibility of being destroyed by stalwart Texans’ defense and got himself placed on injured reserve. Peterson is believed to have injured his knee, according to reliable incorruptible sources, while taking a switch to other people’s children.

“They just get on my [EXPLETIVE] nerves so much! I see some sniveling kid acting up, I start looking for something I can smack a kid. It can be a switch, the Oxford English dictionary, Bridgewater’s teddy bear, I ain’t picky, I’m gonna take it and just go to town with it. That’ll teach them a thing or two about a thing or two.”

And then there’s broken kicker Blair Walsh. Walsh, a marginal kicker prior to last season, officially lost the use of his leg at the end of the Vikings’ wild card game where he failed to kick a chip shot field goal to win an ultimately insignificant game (as it did not involve glorious Houston Texans in the contest). Reports indicate that after said game, Walsh’s leg literally fell off, and he has attempted to reattach it to his body ever since. As a result, the kicks that he has attempted so far this season would make Buccaneers kicker Roberto Aguayo shudder.

We at Ministry of Information laugh at this ineptitude and cowardice rampant in a team that takes as its symbol a group of brave warriors willing to risk all and leave a trail of dead in its wake. Maybe that’s why pitiful Vikings wanted Sam Bradford, after all.

Reconnaissance from Last Week:

The Vikings somehow managed to win against the hapless Giants of New York, 24-10. We assume it is because the Giants employ a C.H.U.D. at quarterback who may or may not be slacking off now that his impetus for caring at all about how well he does on the field has retired. Their mediocre defense will have their hands full with the full fury of Brock Osweiler and glorious Texans offense on Sunday!