Rise for Hymn of Houston Texans:
Comrades! Your Houston Texans have emerged triumphant after defeating Nobody, second worst team in the league behind Cleveland Browns. Not far from futile Browns on the list of teams whose own mothers, if teams had mothers, would not love: Hairballs of Jacksonville.
It is said that a football team is only as good as their quarterback, and Jacksonville Hairballs are perfect example of that. Their quarterback, nincompoop Blake Bortles, has become synonymous with comical ineptitude likes of which has not been seen since the days of Ernest “Wrongway” Klepperman, who was best known for throwing his passes toward the wrong end zone not once, not twice, but 47 separate times.
Bortles, who tries hard but always comes up short, has been said to deeply admire and look up to Hero of glorious Houston Texans offense [Tom Savage]. “I know I can never truly live up to the ideal of quarterbacking that [Savage] has set for players like me and the NFL generally,” possibly said Bortles of living legend taking snaps under center for mighty Texans offense, “but I want to be great like him, not sad like me.”
Many players have made same lament about [Savage], though inherently biased media beyond Ministry of Information refuses to mention this fact. Unfortunately for insignificant Hairball quarterback, he has long road ahead of him. He has brought in no fewer than 11 quarterback coaches to help him with mechanics, which one unnamed coach told Ministry were “oblong and unwieldy, like his arms are unfolded lawn chairs.”
The Hairballs and their alleged fans appear more than content to allow Bortles to continue his streak of incompetence unabated. Whether this is because of mass self-loathing or because of decades of pathetic quarterback play remains unclear to ever-objective Ministry of Information.
The miserable fans of hideously woeful Hairballs team are especially hard to gauge as many believe they are mythical creatures akin to unicorns, chupacabras, and pre-2001 “Patriots” fans. One popular theory as to why they are so rare, according to sources within Ministry, is that tarps, ubiquitous in the stadium, are, in fact, carnivorous. Remnants of unsuspecting fans have been found in tucked away corners of the stadium and horrified passers-by have sworn they heard belching but could never pinpoint where it was coming from. There are also reports that fans have been unwitting sacrifices to these vicious tarps as part of management’s plan to improve the quality of Hairballs football.
“I don’t put a lot of stock in good drafting,” said one high level executive who was definitely not the general manager of the team. “I don’t believe in watching game film, reading scouting reports, and I’m barely involved in free agency. I do believe in superstition, though. And the last time the [Hairballs] had a winning record, we discovered a fan had tragically lost his or her life to one of our happy, fun tarps. That got me to thinking: if the [Balls] want to be a great team, we must do whatever it takes to make it happen. You think we got a pool simply to get people to come watch the game? Why do you think we placed it so close to one of the tarps’ largest nests? Besides, I think they kind of like it. And we always offer gift cards to Black Angus Steakhouse to compensate their loved ones.”
It’s unfortunate that mediocre Hairballs football team must resort to such drastic measures and cheap gimmicks to get fans to put team ahead of their own well-being. Marshal of Texans Rick Smith has never needed to trick Texans fans, ideal of football loyalty, into putting the team ahead of themselves. All that is ever needed is stirring words from Supreme Leader O’Brien, and worthy Texans fans are inspired to valorous action!
Lack of Hairball fans, whether through ritual fan sacrifice, having been hunted to near extinction, or simply from sheer embarrassment, has caused great anguish to Hairballs players. Among them, Allen Robinson has admitted that his team of castoffs and never-weres have a better home field advantage at Wembley Stadium rather than at stadium named after leathery reptile. If reports are true, it would not be surprise since Wembley is not infested with roving, flesh-eating, rain-protective sheets.
Has nobody considered that the possible woes of Hairballs could be caused by mustache of the team’s owner, Shahid Khan? If not, then it is moral obligation of the brave, intrepid souls of Ministry of Information to make that connection! Shahid Khan’s insipid mustache has only further drowned hearts of Hairballs fans, players and errant squirrels in sorrow. Since he and mustache arrived, team has achieved nothing of value, nutritional or otherwise.
According to stalwart Ministry reporters, Khan’s mustache has played an integral role in the failures of this year’s defensive squad. Defense has only recovered 5 turnovers in their last eight games and, to a man, defense has all said that Khan’s mustache is responsible.
“We might be more willing to go hawking for the ball,” said Hairballs corner Prince Amukamara, a man so consumed by imperialist weakness that he has chosen the nickname of a decadent title for his given name, “but we saw Shahid Khan inspecting the footballs during the season opener. He was brushing the footballs with his mustache, man. That’s just not right. We been kind of nervous about touching them after that.”
Compare that to facial follicles of First Minister of the football loving fans and players of Houston Texans, Cal McNair, and it is no contest. Whereas Khan’s mustache creates fear and sanitation concerns among the masses, McNair’s mustache is proven to give sense of serene gladness to all those in its presence and tears of radiant joy to schoolchildren.
Reconnaissance From Last Week:
Despite best efforts of the comically oafish Chiefs of inappropriately named Kansas City to surrender the game to the furry regurgitations of Jacksonville, Kansas City’s inadequacies were not enough to overcome Jacksonville’s four turnovers, some of which were not Bortles’ fault, and Hairballs lost 19-14. Only touchdowns were result of a pair of pity touchdowns scored, somehow, by the incompetent Bortles, who will definitely not lose his hair before Andrew Luck does.
By any objective measure, comrades, this will be yet another easy triumph of mighty and indomitable football loving fans and players of Houston Texans!