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Hair of the Dog (Texans-Jaguars): Hot Doggin’ It

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The BRB crew gets together to discuss the latest snoozer of a win against the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Houston Texans v Jacksonville Jaguars
The Texans paid $1,156,250 for Brock Osweiler’s performance today.
Photo by Mike Ehrmann/Getty Images

I’m conflicted about this. On one hand it was, again, a snoozer of a game. On the other hand, the Jags were a lot closer to pulling that game out of the fire than I felt comfortable with. This is not a great team, nor really is it a good team, but there’s great, there’s good, there’s terrible, and then there’s whatever the hell Jacksonville is.

I won’t drone on here, especially since you’ll get to see what I, and the rest of the masthead, thought of this game.

Enjoy!

Pre-Game:

kdentify

I'll be uncomfortable about this game until the inactives post and I see whether Big Vince is available. Not that the Jags should be scaring anyone at all, but still. The defense is already the walking wounded. I need the center of the line to be available today for my personal sense of unease.

Luke

No Fuller or Jaelen Strong means Braxton Miller should see a large amount of snaps today. It's gonna be fun to see how he's actually used within the offense. Also expect heavy TE usage today with both of those WRs out.

Weston

I don't want to see Wilfork anymore. He's gotten worse as the season has gone on just like the rest of us.

Vega

A coworker told me on Friday that he's driving up to the game. I asked if he's a Jags fan, and he said, "no, I just wanted to go to a game." I say this pretty much every year, but it bears repeating. According to Google, my house is almost exactly the same distance from the Dolphins, Bucs, and Jags stadiums (right about 200 miles from each). I've lived in this area for 14 of the last 16 years. While there are many Dolphins and Bucs fans around here, in that time, I've met exactly one Jaguars fan.

First Quarter:

Luke

Man, those Jacksonville helmets are ugly. It looks like someone threw up on the back of it.

UT

Or whoever designed them had dissociative personality disorder.

Vega

No kidding. At some point, there was a meeting where somebody looked at those and said, "That's the design I want on my helmet!"

UT

BESFs attempted an opening onside kick recovered by the Packers. LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

Vega

Nice tackling to start the game.

SCT

LOL, nice job Bortles.

(Kareem Jackson intercepts Bortles for a touchdown)

UT

Holy kitten that KJax pick 6! Hahahahahahahahahahahahaha!

Texans up 6-0 with XP coming.

Vega

Bortles going all Osweiler there.

Diehard Chris

The only thing more Jaguar about that throw was that tackle attempt. FULL Jaguar.

Weston

Blake Bortles is a kittening idiot.

Vega, if it wasn't for the Texans I would have ended up a Jags fan.

BFD

Kittening nice job, Kareem. For all the work you put in against the run, that's a well deserved pick six.

UT

In Osweiler's defense, I don't think he's given up a pick six yet.

Or has he and I'm just blocking it out?

Luke

That's something you don't see every week. Good to see the defense forcing turnovers.

Also holy kitten, Bortles didn't even look elsewhere. He locked in on the receiver and threw that ball for better or worse. #FreeAllenRobinson

Weston (to UT)

No, he hasn't. He has been lucky and defenses have dropped what could have been pick sixes, like that DEN game.

UT

I assume that Bortles standing like a deer in headlights was the mother of all business decisions by teh Borts.

Vega (to Weston)

Why would you be a Jags fan??

Diehard Chris

Interesting - all the talk about Bortles’ poor mechanics and you can so clearly see it on that pick six. Look at his ludicrous wind-up and the path of the ball from where he starts his throwing motion. It's pretty wild how bad it is. He's lost.

Weston (to Vega)

Because I really liked Byron Leftwich when I was a fat 13 year old, I played with them in NFL 2K5, I would have had some sort of morals to root for a bad team that could get better, and I like to waste my life.

UT

But his hair is still magnificent and lustrous, ain't it Big Matt?

Weston

Hahahaha, Luck is losing his hair first for sure.

UT

HOT POTATO! HOT POTATO! HOT POTATO!

Weston

Joseph with his classic last second knock the ball out of the receiver's hands.

Luke

Kitten, Hurns almost had that.

Vega

Look, I love Clowney, but he misses more tackles in the backfield.

Luke

''Shoulders were made for Greatness, not dandruff'' is in the lead currently for worst advertising slogan this season.

(Bortles ties the game 7-7 with a touchdown pass)

UT

Shame on you, Texans defense. Teh Borts ties the game at 7.

Vega

Man, Blake Bortles took it to our defense on that drive. Absolutely terrible.

Weston

lol Luke.

Yeah, this game is far from over since this offense can't score more than 20 points.

BFD

Maybe I'm the only one, but has anybody seen Kareem Jackson and A.J. Bouye on the field for a while? Three CBs out there for the TD were Joseph, Nelson, and James.

Luke

@BFD: I saw him huffing down oxygen post the INT but nothing on Twitter about an injury

Also I think Hackett may have really simplified this offense to single read because watching Bortles’ head would tell you he's not reading the field. He's just got his target before the snap and looking only at them.

UT

Ryan Griffin just murdered Jonathan Cyprien.

Vega

You know what would be awesome? More Lamar Miller runs up the middle. They're my favorite.

BFD

Myles Jack caught Lamar Miller from behind. My goodness.

Luke

HOLY KITTEN THAT RUN!

HOLY KITTEN THAT MYLES JACK CHASEDOWN

Vega

Of course Miller breaks off a 45 yarder up the middle right after I criticize them. Whatevs... my point stands.

UT

And Ryan Griffin somehow gets another catch in the end zone. Texans up 14-7.

Weston

He cut that run back, Vega. That was an outside zone play. It's a perfect example of his vision and why you don't run inside zone plays up the middle and power runs with him. Miller is an artist.

Vega

Bortles and Osweiler trading TDs. Just like we all called it, right?

Luke

Goal line PA with a TE leaking out? Kubes would be proud.

Not a single target for a WR on that drive.

UT

Makes sense that Jack caught up to him. He played LB and RB at UCLA and apparently it takes a RB to catch a RB.

Luke

Also the Titans are up 14-0 on the Packers. I'm not sure how to respond to that.

BFD

First drive of the game. TEs get all four targets. One outside zone play by Miller, which is broken off for a big run. It shows we haven't learned kitten after the bye week. Bill O'Brien is the last thing there is to an offensive genius, much left QB whisperer.

UT

Something is seriously wrong with the Packers. And I'm sure they'll fix it just before our matchup with them.

Weston

The Titans have played the best football in the division too, W-L record be damned.

Second Quarter:

Luke

I think that was another Clowney missed tackle on Yeldon.

UT

Should we start keeping a tally here because I'm losing count.

BFD

Benardrick McKinney is quickly becoming one of my all time favorite LBs.

Luke

So 2 defensive linemen get into the backfield and neither can finish.

Next play BMC drills Lewis in the backfield. Learn from BMC, kids.

(Bortles throws the most ridiculous interception in NFL history)

UT

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL THAT'S MY NEW FAVORITE INTERCEPTION OF ALL TIME!

Weston

That was a perfect example of the variance of TO totals.

BFD

Bortles just went full Bortles. Never go full Bortles, kids.

Luke

Poor D.J. Reader. Never has a NT been better position for an INT and Mercilus just takes it from right in front of him.

Also that is one of the most unique INTs I've ever seen.

Capt Ron

Finally found a sports bar in Vegas with the Texans game. I walk in and see the "dump-kick-pick" as I order a Bloody Mary. Hilarious!!

UT

I like that nickname for this! So let it be written, so let it be done!

Diehard Chris

Hacky sack pick. Amazing(ly Jaguar).

Weston

Kitten, Osweiler with the Mallett throw.

I never thought I would see something that hideous again.

Capt Ron

Hacky Sack Pick is awesome

Luke

XSF and Brown just got eaten alive on that run.

Also Miller should be moving to that open lane to facilitate the throw, not that it would have done any good because the throw was terrible.

Vega

Yup. Our first Brocket Launch of the day.

Luke

Another really weird throw.

BFD

Which QB, between Bortles and Osweiler, throws the uglier ball?

UT

Thanks for whatever the kitten that was, Novak. Texans miss a FG.

Weston

Osweiler and it isn't close.

Capt Ron

3rd and 13, so let's throw it 8 yards underneath.

WTF is with this franchise that no matter who the coaches and players are they don't run a play call designed for a 1st down in situations like that?!!!

Vega

Ok, legit question: Why is it absolutely kittening impossible for us to NOT have terrible special teams? New players, new coaches, same kitten.

UT (to Vega)

Much like they don't value offensive linemen, I think they doubly less value quality special teams play, especially kicking.

Capt Ron

Vega's and my question can only be answered with "this franchise is KITTEN cursed."

UT

It's a dead heat for me, but I think I'd give the edge to Bortles being maybe just barely better.

tGC

I had no idea Bortles was such a good quarterback. All those fancy numbers say he is awful.

Weston

@Vega: I've asked that question several times, still have never gotten a convincing answer, still don't have a great reason why, and again they are 32nd in ST DVOA. The Lions with Marciano are 4th.

But UT, Bortles actually makes throws. Kittenweiler can't even do that.

UT

That's what gives him the edge for me.

(Jags kicker makes a field goal, putting score at 14-10 Texans)

Vega

Holy kitten. That kick would have been good from 64.

Capt Ron

He was aiming for the upper deck swimming pool.

SCT

Titans score again. They are demolishing the Packers.

BFD

And Tyler Ervin is still returning kicks. Nope, this team hasn't learned kitten.

(Osweiler runs for the first down)

UT

RUN FORREST RUN!

Capt Ron

Giraffe running loose...first down!

UT (to BFD)

Well, why start learning now? It goes against the team's principles.

BFD

That's what's most frustrating about this team for me: they don't learn. They don't adapt.

Weston

I told you exotic methmouth is good, BFD.

tGC

Brock is getting outpassed by a 3-1 ratio. By Blake Bortles.

UT

It's like Kubiak never left. In an odd way, it's rather comforting.

BFD

And now Lamar Miller is hurt because WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO KITTENING UTILIZE HIM. FKS.

UT

Hey, that's a fantasy point for my fantasy team. Thanks, Nuk! RIP my fantasy team.

I didn't want that kitten jacket anyway.

Capt Ron

Keep throwing the ball in the general direction of Hopkins if the defense is going to maul him like that all day, as It will move the chains whether he catches it or not. Spoiler: he's catching it even with the Jags' holding and interference.

UT

And then he does and Hopkins is open but Osweiler decides to throw it at Hopkins' kitten instead of his hands.

Luke

That was just a miscommunication. It's really kittening annoying that we're 10 weeks into the season and that kitten is still happening.

Also kitten Novak.

UT

SHANKAPOTAMUS LIVES!!

Vega

If this offense can't kick field goals, we need more pick sixes.

Capt Ron

I've seen enough of Brock and Novak today. Please send both of them to the showers and give someone else a shot at QB and PK.

tGC

Osweiler has no touch on his throws. He's also not very accurate. His timing sucks, too. I wish someone would pay me tons of money to be bad at 3/4 of the essential skills my job requires.

UT

Whoever is supposed to teach tackling on defense (assuming anyone DOES) should be let go after this game.

I swear, they look like they're trying to catch greased hogs in this game.

Luke

Really, guys? Is it everyone except BMC that can't tackle someone behind the LOS?

BFD

Just kittening kneel the ball, BOB. Do you really expect something positive from Osweiler with 30 seconds left?

Capt Ron

Tall QB gets ball batted down while throwing high angle Hail Mary....SMH

UT

I remember what he did to Arian Foster. He ain't kneeling kitten just to save a few players' careers.

Luke

Welp, Dante Fowler's not going to be seeing the field anytime soon.

tGC

If we win this game, it will be because we were outrageously lucky.

UT

I get the sense we could've said that about a lot of our wins this season, tGC.

Vega

I like how Novak was checking the wind there.

That was the world's worst Hail Mary. They're all going to hell now.

Luke

TIME FOR THE ARM PUNT!

BFD

Brock Osweiler isn't just a terrible QB. This is some of the worst QB play I've seen in my life. This is Rusty Smith territory.

Luke

ALL HAIL THE ALMIGHTY ARM PUNT!

Halftime:

Luke

Brock can't even Arm Punt correctly.

This game is being won by the Jags for the Texans.

SCT

Titans scored 35 points in the first half.

tGC

Osweiler really really sucks. He's worse than Hoyer and Fitzpatrick.

Also, our offensive line is exactly that.

Luke

Mariota is 11/13 for 203 with 3 TD's.

WHY OH WHY COULDN'T HE HAVE DECLARED A YEAR EARLIER!

Capt Ron

Halftime recap: If not for Kareem Jackson and the defense, the Texans would be losing 10-7 to the Jags.

We've all seen a rare example of mediocre QBs eventually developing into good (or adequate game manager) NFL QBs, but nothing my eyes see with Brock supports that possibility. It's over. It's official. It's "Tebow-level" bad. Also, Novak has the yips, so we are so screwed with an offense that already sucks at red zone production.

BFD

Blake Bortles threw a pick six and a laughably horrible interception, yet, they're down only 14-10 against an incompetently head coached Houston Texans team.

Tight ends continue to get most targets, which is grossly inept. Bill O'Brien thinks Lamar Miller is Larry Csonka and refuses to let him run outside. That's OK as it looks like Miller may be finished for the year.

The mere fact that Tyler Ervin sees snaps underlies just how poorly this team is managed.

As I said earlier, what's most frustrating about this team isn't the talent level aside from QB. It's the fact we continue to do the same, stupid, dumbkittened kitten and expect things to get better.

Weston

Just put this tweet in here for me.

Third Quarter:

Luke

Lamar Miller is back on the field.

UT

O'Brien wants the Jags to finish him off, I guess.

Luke

Jalen Ramsey has been pretty decent against Hop today also. It hasn't helped that Os is airmailing every ball that goes anywhere near Hop.

Double holding penalties. Second today for Jeff Allen.

UT

Tyler Ervin is the second best tackler on this team behind BMac.

Think about that for a second.

Capt Ron

Holding called again on Jeff Allen. Meanwhile, on another TV in this bar, I see Brandon Brooks road grading big holes for Philly.

/slow golf clap for Rick Smith

UT

Per Sarah Barshop, Osweiler's targeted Hopkins 10 times in five drives and connected three times for 31 yards.

That's bad, right?

Luke

Most WRs league wide have about a 50% target/completion ratio. Best WRs in the league are closer to 60% percent.

Capt Ron

Clowney's weekly performance this season = Whiff, whiff, whiff, TFL. Whiff, whiff, whiff, TFL.

Weston

HAHAHA.

Bortles: "I'm not a natural thrower of the football."

Luke

The Bortles postal service only deals in air mail.

Vega

Is it bad that I'm watching Blake Bortles be a terrible QB and thinking, "I wish our QB could do that"?

UT

If that's bad, then sign me up.

Weston

I wish we traded two first round picks in the offseason for Drew Brees.

BFD

That pass to Hopkins looked like Brock tried to throw a balloon.

Vega

So, hitting Hopkins a full second before the ball gets there is legal now?

Weston

9 STRAIGHT INCOMPLETIONS.

Capt Ron

Another non-call for DPI when the defender hit Hopkins in the back well before the ball arrived. KITTEN this league of KITTEN refs! And they wonder why ratings are plummeting for the NFL's KITTEN product.

Luke

Oh, I'm so sorry to Jeff Allen, I thought you were number 74. I apologise. In other un-related news...

KITTEN YOU CHRIS CLARK!

UT

3rd and 13 and THAT'S the kittening call?

Luke

The 3rd down draw play! I feel like it's been weeks since I last saw one.

tGC

Kitten, Osweiler throws an ugly ball.

BFD

If somebody asks for GIFs this week, I would love to have the throw to Hopkins with about 8:00 in the 3rd quarter.

Vega

In fairness, UT, that call had a higher chance of success than letting Brock try to throw.

UT

I want to refute this. I really want to refute this, but I can't. Because you're right.

Luke

Get it, D.J. Reader!

UT

Tyler Ervin kitten near did the unthinkable: score on special teams.

Luke

Alfred Blue, questionable to return with calf injury.

(Texans score another touchdown, making it 21-10 Texans)

Luke

STEPHENNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN!

Seriously the PA with the TE leaking out the opposite side of the PA is all this team can do well right now.

UT

And that's probably only because we're playing the Jags.

tGC

This is remarkable, like the time I showed up to the sociology class in college completely unaware that I had a test because I had skipped the previous four or five classes and hadn't bothered to read the syllabus. Lucky for me it was a multiple-choice test and I guessed well enough to get a C.

That's the Texans in this game.

Capt Ron

Nice return by Ervin and a TE touchdown saves us from suffering a third missed FG by Novak. I'll take it!

Vega

Brock's greatest skill is having a game with zero turnovers and two interceptions, and still looking like a lost puppy. That's skillz, y'all. That, and Jacksonville.

Obviously, that should say two TDs.

UT

Funny thing is I read that as it was and it still works.

Weston

John Simon is the worst tackler I've ever seen.

Capt Ron

By my calculations, we are 2.37 plays overdue for a Clowney TFL and 14.81 plays overdue for a Mercilus sack. Something needs to give!

Luke

That last Clowney rush looked like he was running the bend in a 200m race.

Fourth Quarter:

Luke

12 targets and 3 receptions.

I'm trapped in some kind of nightmare.

Yup, this isn't real. That's a 3rd down draw play that just got 17 yards.

UT

I suspect that was an accident.

Capt Ron

RE: OPI on Hopkins as he tries to break free from an aggressive jam by the DB at the line of scrimmage, seriously KITTEN the NFL refs! I've had enough of this BS. I hope the NFL ratings keep plummeting. Maybe they'll wake up and hire full time officials and dump these garbage part-timers.

Weston

The Texans suck, Ron. It's not the refs.

XSF is having a nice day run blocking.

Capt Ron

Chris Clark is missing blocks like West Virginians are missing teeth.

UT

Wait, Novak...MADE a field goal?

I give up trying to make sense of this game.

tGC

Hunt has looked pretty frisky in his limited action.

Weston

I'd fire Bradley for not going for it there.

These coaches don't understand the other team gets to score too.

Capt Ron

I was ready to write that Novak is missing field goals like Pensyltuckians are missing teeth, but he shockingly made it.

BFD

The good version of Tyler Ervin was doing that for us last year. Hunt is a darn good role player, and he was being wasted on the PS.

I guess we get to watch Bortles dry-hump the football across the field for the next 8:00? Then Bortles under throws Lee badly. LOL!

Luke

Allen Robinson is now only 7 yards away from having a 100 yard receiving game for the first time this entire season.

UT

Glorious Houston Texans defense is generous and wants to make other teams' receivers feel good about themselves, even if they are lesser quality due to not being on Texans receiver corps.

(to Luke) I've got a worse slogan for you: Coke goes with food.

No kitten! You mean I've been doing this whole drinking Coke thing wrong the whole kittening time?!

Capt Ron

Stop talking about Coke! Jim Irsay may hack the listserve, and then MDC will take him down a few more notches. Speaking of MDC, where the hell has he been lately?

(Jags score a touchdown to put the team within striking distance of the Texans, 24-21)

Luke

Of course it's against the Texans that Allen Robinson sets a season high in yardage. Wonderful catch though.

tGC

We're going to lose this in the most Kubiak way possible. Think Q-Tip.

Weston

This game feels like my hangover.

This team sucks. I'm at the point now where I kind of want them to lose so their performance actually has repercussions.

BFD

The Texans team is unmazing. JAX doesn't even need to go for the onside kick because of the two minute warning and two timeouts.

Luke

and now I have to go re-write the post game recap.

Capt Ron

Bortles has all day back there. If only the Texans would invest some first round draft picks in the pass rush.

/Looks at Clowney and Mercilus

/They look back and shrug

BFD

LOLOLOLOLOL! Why do we have the worst ST in the league? Personnel, perhaps?

Vega

You know, Matt, I kind of feel the same way. As it stands, BOB can just point to the winning record, but this shit needs to be wiped clean.

UT

This kittening special teams unit.

Also, Big Matt, what hangover? You're drinking Natty Lites, for crying out loud.

tGC

Anyone else think we should have challenged that touchdown call?

UT

No, because once the Jags score, and they will score because Texans, they're going to need all the timeouts they can muster.

Vega

Game on the line. Miller up the middle. That'll work.

Weston

@Vega: This team is just a log jam farting out 8-9 wins because of the division.

I'm not drinking today. I have a gallon of water in me and I'm going to seize the day by going for a walk, doing some yoga, and watching OAK game tape.

Luke

Screw this game, the defense couldn't close out this kitten so I can start back on the dissertation work I have to do.

UT

The Jags have no timeouts left, WHY ARE THE TEXANS STILL CALLING PLAYS ON OFFENSE?!

Vega

So, can someone explain to me why we ran an injured Miller on that last play instead of taking a knee?

Diehard Chris

Um, why in the living kitten did we just run it twice after the first down pass to Hop?

Post-Game:

Weston

Earlier this week I said the Texans either need to start playing better or stay being lucky to win the division. It looks like they are going to take the path of the rabbit's foot.

Capt Ron

I was thinking of the Q-Tip as well with the Texans finding ways to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory against the Jags, but this is reaching Capers/Palmer level of incompetence with this O'Brien/Godsey era.

Vega

This is a win, so I guess I should be happy, but take a look at the schedule going forward. The way this team is playing, it wouldn't surprise me to see them win just one more game: Jax @ Houston. They may squeak out one or two more, but this thing is going to go downhill quickly and as Matt and I both said earlier (which, admittedly, could have been joint hangovers talking), it probably needs to.

BFD

Why are we letting Miller take more big hits instead of just kneeling? Oh, because we're kittening stupid, that's why.

Luke

The only real question now is will we draft a QB in the early rounds in this coming draft?

Or will partake in the Sam Bradford peace pipe?

Hey! Let’s give out some game balls!

Offense: Lamar Miller. That 45 yard run was pretty great, and his runs set up all the tight end touchdowns in the game.

Defense: I desperately want to give it to Whitney Mercilus for catching that ridiculous interception. However, I have to give it to Kareem Jackson for his pick six against teh Borts in the first quarter of today’s game.