Rise for Hymn of glorious Houston Texans’ football team!
Comrades! Our Houston Texans have emerged triumphant against the feeble efforts of puny Jaguars of Jacksonville, demolishing them to tune of 24-21 victory! Granted, victory came with Hero of Texans Offense [Tom Savage] throwing for 99 yards and two touchdowns, but great [Savage] wanted to show hapless Blake Bortles textbook example of quarterback efficiency. Every yard gained by mighty [Savage] was stab in heart of incompetence that was Jaguars’ defense and example to all NFL of truly spectacular quarterbacking performance!
The incompletions thrown by [Savage] were subtle way of consoling Bortles on throwing single greatest interception in history of football. After all, if great [Tom Savage] is capable of such hideous football, then nobody else could possibly have done better. It might be troubling to some that, while Texans have shining paragon of football excellence in [Tom Savage], team should only have 6-3 record and not 9-0 record that fans of mighty Houston Texans football have come to expect over years. However, it is unreasonable to heap such criticism on [Savage], who is following plan of ultimate victory set out by Supreme Leader O’Brien. Truly loyal fans must reject all negative feelings and support two-time winner of Order of Teh Schaub unconditionally!
After putting feline sputum of Jacksonville in their place and adding sixth victory along with three losses (each of which were intentionally obtained to remain under radar of outside influences that would subvert inevitable victory of Houston Texans), the footballburo of Mother Houston has received word that imperialist Raiders of Oakland have invaded and currently occupy Mexico City. It is duty of all good and true patriots loyal to Mother Houston to defend our comrades and repel the Californian aggressors! As such, peace and freedom loving players of Houston Texans football have agreed to relieve the besieged city.
The Raiders are led by younger brother of [UNPERSON], Derek Carr, who was deemed unfit to join glorious Texans offense by Supreme Leader O’Brien. O’Brien, whose decisions have brought countless victories to Texans fans and players, told loyal Ministry of Information reporters, and less-loyal non-Ministry media lapdogs, that mighty Houston Texans were “happy with who [they] chose.”
“When we went into the 2014 NFL Draft, we had a very narrow set of needs as our team had deep, boundless talent on both sides of the ball, just as we do now. In the second round, we chose between Xavier Su’a-Filo and Derek Carr,” said Supreme Leader O’Brien at his press conference. “In the end, it was a no-brainer for us. We took Su’a-Filo and haven’t regretted it since. He has proven to be a most conscientious offensive lineman who has developed admirably over the last few years. Derek Carr, we felt, was a great kid and might have made the grade elsewhere, but we just didn’t feel like he would have made the impact at offensive guard that Su’a-Filo has made thus far.”
Since then, the weakling Carr has been deeply troubled in Oakland. He lives in constant sorrow of being overshadowed by stout defender of the great [Savage], Texans quarterback. Carr has vowed that some day he will prove to be as great a guard as Su’a-Filo is now, but we at Ministry of Information will not hold our collective breath for this to happen. The best Carr can hope for is to aspire to become as great and humble as [Tom Savage].
Expected to miss the game is Raiders defensive end, and mortal enemy of trees and sensible driving methods, Aldon Smith. Smith, like Leonard Little before him, is fueled by alcohol and has uncanny ability to condense an entire season of activity into as few as seven games. The team and cowards at the NFL claim that the reason he might miss Monday night’s game is because he is still suspended for making yet more stupid decisions involving alcohol and vehicles. However, ever-vigilant reporters within Ministry of Information have learned that Smith is merely deeply bitter about not being as good as Hero of Houston Texans defense, J.J. Watt.
“I was taken four spots ahead of...of...Watt,” Smith said between swigs of wood alcohol, “and he’s the better player? I don’t think so. I was wanted more, I was more highly evaluated by scouts. That damn pizza delivery boy ain’t gonna overshadow me. He’s not! He’s not!” After that, Smith began rocking back and forth, telling himself how pretty he was and sobbing quietly into his palms.
Also expected to miss Monday night’s game is Al Davis, due to the fact that he has been dead for five years, though reports indicate that he may have been dead for several decades before official announcement was made in 2011. However, Raiders, spurred on by Mark Davis, son of Al Davis and possessor of the last known bowl haircut on the planet, have clung to foolish superstition of burning a torch to keep memory of superstitious, and possibly undead, former leader alive. Multiple anonymous sources have confirmed that flames of Davis’ torch are responsibly sourced straight from underworld and “lit” by celebrities who must pay fealty to false deity of perpetually-benighted Californians. For Monday’s game, hellish flames of Al Davis will be ignited by former Olympian, and rabblerouser, Tommie Smith.
With the vanguard of the football loving fans and players of Houston spreading revolution to our glorious comrades in Mexico, there can be no doubt of yet another resounding Texans victory!
Reconnaissance from Last Week
The worshippers of dead owners were off last week, presumably due to yet another off-field screw-up by Aldon Smith or a marathon psychological build-up session for Derek Carr. The week before that, however, Raiders demolished Mules of Denver and made long face of Clydesdale-In-Chief John Elway appear that much longer, winning the game 30-20. Raiders can rest assured their invasion plans will be thwarted. Glorious football loving fans and players of Houston Texans will prove to be much more powerful resistance than oxygen-starved Mules of Denver could ever hope to achieve!