Rise for glorious Hymn of the Houston Texans!
Comrades! A vile conspiracy from external forces subverted football-loving fans and players of the Houston Texans and their inevitable victory over the Oakland Raiders! Reports have surfaced over last several days that men in stripey shirts, a symbol of their loathsome solidarity against football justice and decency, working in concert with unseen cowards embedded in crowd, were responsible for the Texans returning home with wholly undeserved loss after stalwart defense of Mexico City.
Reasons as to why these stripey subversives acted in such a despicable and unwarranted manner toward the Texans remain unclear. Perhaps they all simply had bad childhood where none of them appreciated the humble pleasure of well-fought victory. Maybe they were seduced by other teams within AFC South to bring unstoppable Texans down to those teams’ lowly level. Perhaps they all have compromising pictures of them doing untoward things with farm animals who are not their wives. It remains a mystery to Ministry of Information.
In addition to interlopers on the field, spineless guerrillas at game interfered with proper course of Texans on-field dominance. Using tools of deceit like laser pointers and paper airplanes, these quislings attempted to blind Hero of Houston Texans offense [Tom Savage], trip up DeAndre Hopkins and generally attempted to embarrass Supreme Leader O’Brien by spiking his Gatorade with mescal and clouding his immaculate decision-making skills.
These traitors to Mother Houston must not be tolerated. If you, as good and loyal fan of the Houston Texans, see anyone resembling these unpersons, it is your patriotic duty to report these unpersons to footballburo and Ministry of Information immediately!
But is time to look away from outside actors and return to Mother Houston and her bitter struggle against ever-hated San Diego Chargers. The Chargers have been imbued with same counter-revolutionary spirit that resides in weak hearts of all teams who stand in opposition to glorious Houston Texans. Their strain of this poisonous and highly divisive sentiment goes to an even deeper extreme, though. Not only do Chargers wish to quell Battle Red Army and its inevitable march to triumph, they wish to bring end to glorious football as we know it everywhere they go!
The evidence is there, comrades, right in Chargers’ own backyard. The Chargers, a team owned by greedy imperialist stooges and managed by dunderheads who have all draft prowess of a sea cucumber, is determined to eliminate all professional football in a 50 mile radius. San Diego’s “Measure C,” a flimsy plebiscite orchestrated by Chargers in an attempt to feign interest in remaining in San Diego, failed miserably two weeks ago, much to delight of team’s money-grubbing owner and his flunkies.
“We never liked San Diego,” an anonymous source told Ministry reporters. “It smells too strongly of fish taco, and the sound of the surf constantly beating on the shore has driven many of our top executives to madness. We need to go to a more sedate, tranquil place like Los Angeles. It’s in the best interest of everybody in the Chargers organization.” When asked what this would mean for proud commentariat of San Diego who watches their team, same source said, “Tough luck for them. I’m sure they’ll understand our plight.”
We at Ministry of Information hope that people of San Diego do not fall victim to counter-revolutionary machinations of the Chargers; but if they do, revolution of Texans welcomes all.
Going into this week’s game, Chargers will be missing vital component of their defense, one that will turn their inexorable-yet-noble defeat into catastrophic train wreck of football carnage. Defensive tackle Brandon Mebane has been placed on injured reserve and will not face glorious Houston Texans’ offense led by aerial juggernaut [Tom Savage]. Reports from within team indicate nose tackle tore his biceps, but more credible reports obtained by Ministry state that Mebane simply knew he was outclassed by Texans’ impermeable offensive line and wanted an out, which simple-minded Chargers brass were willing to give.
News of the Chargers’ next opponent has also forced out overrated linebacker Manti Te’o, who has been more or less invisible since coming into league. He, too, begged to be placed on injured reserve rather than suffer ignominious defeat at hand of mighty Houston Texans offense. Fortunately for Chargers, they have replaced him with ex-girlfriend and production from his position has been effectively unchanged.
It is more than disappointing to see teams give their players such opportunity to chicken out of duties. With glorious Houston Texans, not single player ever considers abandoning team because of internal weakness. For Texans players, it is matter of great pride and honor to take up one’s duties, no matter how outclassed opponents are.
The Chargers’ meager hopes for playoff contention hinge on overrated defensive end Joey Bosa, who could not even be bothered to join the nihilistic Chargers until three weeks ago, and on running back Melvin Gordon, who, like all Wisconsin running backs before him, has little hope of ever putting together productive season.
There was brief glimmer of optimism for football-hating Chargers when they drafted Derek Watt, younger brother of Hero of Houston Texans Defense J.J. Watt, for fixing their constant issues at position. But reports from Ministry of Information sources state that younger Watt has struggled due to his unhappiness with being away from the loving bosom of Mother Houston and playing with his older brother. These sources also state that Derek Watt feels he is being held hostage by Chargers and efforts have been made by Comrade Watt to liberate his brother from insufferable clutches.
As last ditch effort to boost their inept running game, the Chargers have renditioned Denver exile Ronnie Hillman in hopes of creating some kind of spark for offense. “Coming from a different system, we think the way to get him really quickly integrated is simple,” said one source to objective Ministry reporters. “Since Philip Rivers will be in his ear about every little thing, starting today, we’re going to lock [Hillman] in a room with Philip and just let him scream at him for 24 hours straight. It’ll get him used to the crybaby that Philip has always been. That way when we inevitably screw up on offense again, Ronnie can just shrug off all the screaming and spittle that Philip produces, the way everyone else on the team does.”
News of Phil Rivers’ hysterics is not new, but nobody knows exactly how extreme it is. According to highly credible sources within Ministry’s sphere, indicate it borders on madness levels. “He’ll yell at just about anybody; other players, coaches, Melvin Ingram’s pet hamster, Captain Hamsterpants, trees, Dean Spanos’ sponge cake...the list is endless. It’s especially bad if you call him Phil. One rookie slipped up and called him Phil by accident; he spent 45 minutes just howling a blue streak at him. I think he works as a prison guard now. Said that they’re easier to deal with than Philip Rivers ever was.”
The world marvels at glorious Houston Texans’ prowess and has universally condemned the cowards in Mexico City and stripey-shirted interlopers for transgressions on Monday night. Now Texans will show vile Chargers and their crybaby quarterback full might of the Battle Red Army! Inevitable triumph of Texans over the Chargers will bring great honor to Houston and its proud, industrious football-loving fans and players!
Reconnaissance from Last Week:
The hilariously inept Chargers played evenly matched battle against perennially futile Miami Dolphins. Toward the end, when it was tied at 24-24, Chargers appeared to have a chance at bringing in a potential victory; that is, until crybaby Phil Rivers threw a pick-six to Kiko Alonso to put Dolphins up 31-24. After game’s end, crybaby Rivers was so upset that he drove to Sea World and punched a dolphin in the mouth after berating it for several hours to annoyance of other patrons and Sea World staff.
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