Hair of the Dog (Texans-Chargers): Do Androids Dream of Electric Dogs?

There seems to be an overriding theme to this Texans season. It seems as though every time Brock Osweiler and company have a game where they don’t look like hot buttered kitten on the field, it makes us think, perhaps foolishly, “Okay, here it is, maybe Brock and the offense are finally turning the corner and we’re on the way to having at least a marginally effective offense.”

Every competent, or even semi-competent performance, the Texans turn in is followed, without fail, by a game where you wonder why the Texans even showed up at all. It is ebb and flow, tidal gravity. It is the ecological balance upon which this team exists.

The Kansas City game was followed by the hideous outing against New England. The Indianapolis game (which kind of doesn’t count but what the kitten, here we are) was followed by the Denver game, and now the Texans are coming off of a game in Mexico City where they were a few boneheaded referee calls and coach’s decisions away from pulling an upset against the Raiders.

The Raiders game was the ebb. The Chargers game was the flow. This is about the best we can hope for from this team.

Anyway, what we all had to say about Sunday’s game.

Pre-Game Thoughts:

Luke

I'm setting the over/under of ''Derek Watt, Brother of J.J. Watt'' calls today at 7. There's no way any commentary team can get through a sentence about Derek without mentioning J.J.

Mike

Hope I'm not the only one that's actually really jazzed up for this game!

First Quarter:

Capt Ron

I wanted to attend today's game, but we got back too late from our trip. I'm looking forward to Houston picking up from last week's much improved offensive performance. GO TEXANS!

Mike

Is it just me or does the stadium look half empty?

UT

Not sure if it's empty or just a lot of people in red.

Luke

It is mostly empty. Also great tackle on Gordon by Bouye.

BFD

That's some massive addition by subtraction with Tyler Ervin out.

Mike

Wow! What a catch by D'Hop!

UT

I think we might have seen the last of Tyler Ervin, at least on special teams.

Luke

Freaky catch by Hopkins.

Capt Ron

Hopkins is the real-life Spiderman.

Mike

The inexcusable penalty: false start in your own stadium...

UT

Yeah, no, BWW, go ahead and change the Texans game so there are two kittening TVs showing the Bengals/Ravens game side-by-side, because that makes all the kittening sense.

Luke

Looking at the blocking on that Fuller screen, I could have sworn they were going to get more yardage than they did.

Capt Ron (to UT)

That's a good reason to heave a basket of Asian Zing at the fool.

Mike

(to UT) Maybe BWW needs a visit from the KGB...

Nice knife in by Whitney!

UT

Comrade Mercilus rains down divine vengeance of Texans commentariat upon the Chargers' woeful offense!

Luke

Yeah, the Chargers have realised they can't leave Clowney 1 on 1.

Capt Ron

Why do our returners insist on fair catching inside the 5?!! Come on, Fuller....wake up!

Mike

Need to get back to the hurry-up offense...

BFD

The long pass to DHop down the field wasn't the most accurate in the world, but I think that's the most crisp pass Os has thrown in weeks, including last week's game. Good velocity and rotation.

Luke

That was some nice evasion and throwing on the run by Os. Chris Clark is already off to a bad start today.

Capt Ron

These play calls on offense are really odd and random. It's like they are just pulling from a mixed bag instead of trying to orchestrate anything.

Mike

Whitney again. Love that guy! He's quickly becoming my fave 'backer of all time.

SCT

Bernardrick McKinney. So hot right now.

Luke

Yeah this Chargers line cannot deal with front 7 right now.

BFD

As good as that play was by McKinney, that was made by Mercilus. Williams chipped the kitten out of Mercilus, but he managed to recover to make trouble on the stunt. Fabulous play.

Mike

Forget Ervin, Akeem Hunt is a scatback stud!

Luke

*Obligatory cowboy boots shot*

Mike (to Luke)

Next it'll be the horses all the fans rode to the stadium tied up outside...

Luke

WHAT THE KITTEN WAS JAY PROSCH DOING LINED UP OUT WIDE?!?

UT (to Luke)

I'm pretty sure the boots shot is the Houston equivalent of showing the guys at Pike Place throwing fish around for Seattle.

Second Quarter:

Mike

Wait? You mean the refs aren't going to call that a 2nd down?

UT (to Mike)

Careful, if they hear you they might just call it fourth down.

Mike

1st and ten, then ten yard gain leads to 4th and 1, then 3 yard gain = turnover on downs. #TexansLife

The only team that can gain 13 yards and still not get a first down...

UT

Welcome back to the show, Will Fuller!

Luke

OH THAT WAS NICE!

UT

So help me, BOB, if this first and goal results in a field goal, I will...will...do something very not nice.

(Osweiler leaps over the pile to get the touchdown, Texans lead 7-0)

Capt Ron

Giraffe leans into end zone for a score!

UT

I've never seen a giraffe leap before. It's as awkward as I thought it might look. Brock leaps for a TD, Texans up 7-0.

Mike

I think Brock almost hit the goal post with that sneak.

Luke

Oh that was great. Who knew a 6'7 QB could do something like that.

Capt Ron (on numerous encroachment penalties by the Texans defense)

The neutral zone hasn't seen this much action since the Romulan Warbirds.

BFD (to Capt Ron)

LOLOLOLOLOL!

Capt Ron

After a week of camping, we are plowing through a mountain of laundry. The Texans and Chargers are plowing through a sizable amount of laundry today as well.

Luke

Wow, both ILBs whiffed on the coverage there. Dent didn't cover Henry on the cross and McKinney say back in his zone and let Gordon have a wide open space on the other sideline.

UT

Referees feel pity for opponents of glorious Houston Texans and feel need to intervene to prevent inevitable blowout.

(On Philip Rivers’ first touchdown pass, game tied 7-7)

SCT

Thanks, Demps.

Luke

Haven't seen the Texans give up a TD like that in awhile.

Capt Ron

Top of the priority list in next year's draft? Safety!

Landon Collins waves hello...

BFD

I've been shocked teams haven't gone after our safeties more than they have. Hitting your head against Jackson, Joseph, and Bouye game in/game out seems silly when you have Hal and Demps to pick on.

Mike

Fuller with a sweet catch. Maybe need to have him crossing more often.

Luke

“Will Fuller has hands” alert.

(On Brock Osweiler’s first interception of the day)

UT

And there's your Brock Bottom interception of the week.

Mike

Brockerception sighting.

Capt Ron

Brock-stare-down-ignorant-decision interception alert!

Luke

So close to being a great play by Osweiler.

That's something he hasn't done well this season is push the ball to the outside to not give DB's chances to get near the ball.

(Philip Rivers puts the Chargers ahead with another TD pass. Chargers lead 14-7)

SCT

Demps needs to go...

tGC

Whoop (hoot?) there it is.

UT (to tGC)

I believe it's whoomp, but the point still stands.

BFD

Chargers up by 7? Is that considered insurmountable by us? /snark

UT

You doubt the offensive prowess of BOB? Sounds like you need to be reeducated.

Capt Ron

What a shame Houston screwed up with: letting Glover go, wasting time and money on Ed Reed, screwing up the Swearinger pick, and passing on Landon Collins. I love me some Kevin Johnson at CB, but this team needs talent at safety in a desperate way and should have grabbed Collins that draft.

Luke

Fire Chris Clark into the sun, please.

Capt Ron

You have a sniper rifle and one bullet. Do you aim at Clark or Demps?

UT

Kitten, Texans, you're really making this hard for me to spin right now.

BFD

If you're going to put CJF over there, he at least needs to chip Bosa on the way by. Goodness gracious.

UT (to Capt Ron)

I aim at Clark but only when he and Demps are lined up next to each other.

Capt Ron

Texans' offensive play calling makes the former "Conserviak" play calling look wild and reckless!

Mike

Anyone know the point differential on Brock? I.e. how many points he's scored vs. points scored against us as a direct result of Brockerceptions...

BFD

Y'all, I'm beginning to think that Bill O'Brien is not the brilliant tactician we thought he was. bobspinnningonthefloor.gif

UT

Someone please jump out of the stands and punch Philip Rivers. Thx in advance.

Halftime Thoughts:

Capt Ron

/holds index finger horizontal to lips and strums: "Bdbdbdbdbdbdbdbdbd."

This team kills me. It's like watching a group of strangers who just met at a park picnic play a game of pick-up football with random play calls and random results on both sides of the ball.

Third Quarter:

Mike

If Houston can't beat San Diego, they may as well lose out to raise the draft pick... When the best team in the worst division loses to the worst team in the best division, it doesn't bode well for the playoff chances of the former...

UT

Let's be honest though, the Texans, if they do make the playoffs, will most likely be one and done. Winning/losing to the Chargers likely doesn't change that.

(On third and 8)

Need eight, get three. Well done yet again, offense.

Capt Ron

I'm starting to become convinced that the players could just go out and run anything and do better than whichever coach is actually calling the offense today.

tGC

Osweiler is maddening. He has flashes where he's a decent quarterback and then goes and makes a total unforced error. If he just throws that ball out of bounds, this game is tied. There was no reason for that.

In other news, I want to launch that Southwest Airlines commercial (where they cover Journey) into the Oort Cloud.

(later)

Kitten Clowney is like some quantum physics or something. Dude gets through the line like he just materializes on the other side.

UT

Hey, look at that, a Chargers deep pass that went incomplete. That's novel.

Luke

Why can't we have nice things?

UT

Because you touch yourself at night.

Capt Ron

What is the record for total penalties in a game?

BFD

It's around 25.

UT

And I'll bet money that was a Jeff Triplette-called game.

(Quintin Demps intercepts Rivers)

Mike

DEMPS! earns his keep.

UT

And then Demps does something like that and TOTALLY REDEEMS HIMSELF!

Capt Ron

A bit of reDEMPStion there, but the offense will have to do something with it.

tGC

We've got Rivers several times in the last couple of series. I wonder if that didn't contribute to him rushing that throw on the pick.

Luke

Yeah, Bosa's too quick to try that.

tGC

Oh look, we get a spot for once.

Mike

#MillerTime!

Capt Ron

Almost got a MNF-in-Mexico-officiated bad spot there.

Luke

I mean, kitten, Os appears to be kinda good at escaping the pocket and keeping his eyes downfield.

tGC

Our red zone offense has no mojo.

Fourth Quarter:

Mike

So, Houston drafts a running back and makes him a return man who can't field kicks. They also draft a qb-turned-wr that they try to use as a tailback... :scratches head:

Luke

That draw play felt like the JJ Watt rushing play from the Chiefs game last year.

UT (to Mike)

Because it's the last thing they'll expect, because BOB is the new Vizzini.

BFD

I'd look for the fake.

UT

Where?

BFD

Oh, of course not, BFD. You should know by now that BOB will never take a risk if he can get a FG, FKS.

Luke (to BFD)

He did that just to spite you.

Capt Ron

A fake would require creativity.

Watching this offensive play calling, and the potential talent available, is not unlike seeing a super car skidding side to side down the street at less than ten miles per hour with someone grinding the gears with wanton abandon while singing, "I did it my way!"

tGC

Our offense seems to feature a lot of small gain running plays followed by a third-and-long that Brock is surprisingly good at converting.

UT

D.J. Reader is questionable to return with a shoulder injury.

tGC

Sweet lord. We go from nearly sacking Rivers twice on the same play to letting them score on the next play.

(Rivers throws a third TD pass, Chargers lead 21-10)

UT

I think that's a wrap, folks.

Luke

This defensive line cannot finish its dinner.

BFD

McKinney was definitely late on the drop, but that was a perfect ball by Rivers.

That's OK, y'all! We only need four FGs to take the lead.

UT

GLORY TO ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

tGC

Touchdowns are the tools of reactionary bourgeois imperialist running dogs.

Capt Ron

Safety fails us again as a rookie TE scores a TD.

I have zero reason to be confident that Houston's offense can recover after being down by 11 points. That would mean O'Brien would need four field goals, and the defense would have to pitch a shutout the rest of the game.

Mike

Do the Texans score 17 points in 3 minutes or only get one more field goal before the game ends? Who's got the over/under?

tGC

In other news, my fantasy tight end scored zero points for me. And no, it wasn't his bye week.

UT

Galleria ice rink stock footage. DRINK!

(Osweiler throws his second interception on the day, and a really ugly one too)

Mike

ARE YOU KITTEN KITTENING ME??!!

Capt Ron

Brock feeling generous with a “tis the season” approach with not one but TWO picks!

Luke

Dwight Lowery: You've got MAIL!

BFD

That interception was brought to you by: poor mechanics!

He didn't drive through the ball at all, short-arming the finish. That's why it went high. His lack of follow-through is a big freaking part of his poor accuracy.

UT

Oh, kitten you, Brock.

tGC

Show of hands: who's surprised by this?

UT

/begins to raise hand

//slaps other hand back down

Diehard Chris

This was the second time this year I picked a game to be the start if the season-dying slide. The first was when we hosted Indy... but yeah, this is the top of the roller coaster peak that now drops straight off a cliff. Of course, I'm wrong on this one too because it actually started last week. At OAK, SD, at GB, at IND. Done.

Capt Ron

I see Brock sitting next to Godsey on the sidelines after that interception as Godsey chews relentlessly on something large and formidable in his mouth. Raise your hand if you wish it was a live grenade.

UT

So we're 11 games into the season now. We've got a good data set to work with. Is Brock Osweiler worse than Brian Hoyer?

Mike

From the looks of the scoreboard, the Texans and Titans will share the title of "Best Team in Worst Division" in about 45 minutes... ugh. Talk about utter lack of entertainment...

(to UT) He's just less experienced. I think he has more potential, but we all know what potential means...

Capt Ron

Down 11 points with 7 mins left in the game and the offense runs for no yards up the middle? This is criminal-negligence level coaching.

Mike

Well, for what it's worth Cleveland's QB just got picked off by a D lineman who only has seven fingers...

BFD

We will have lost five while they've lost six, so we'd still have a 1/2 game lead. We still have to play them there, though, and they're a better team right now. They're the only team in the division with a positive point differential.

tGC

Chargers defense is nothing but imperialist lackey running dogs. Mighty Texans offense will rise up for glorious revolution and score four people's field goals, leading glorious struggle against oppression. To the barricades!

BFD

At least BOB is going for it this time. Is our coaches learning?

UT

If you have to ask, the answer is no. Coaches aren't learning kitten.

(Texans go for it on fourth down and fail to convert)

BFD

That, ladies and germs, is ballgame.

tGC

Credit where it's due. Going for it was the right call. Shame Miller couldn't hang onto it.

Diehard Chris

Credit for doing the obviously correct thing - that is the sadness of where this season is.

Capt Ron

The offense only scores 10 KITTEN points?!!! Many teams have fired their OC mid-season when the offense struggles this much, but not this organization. Oh no, not McNair's franchise. Kitten, Godsey will probably get an extension at the end of the year.

tGC

We're only losing by 11 to a four-win team. No big deal.

UT (to Capt Ron)

McNair (looks up over stacks of cash): What's that?

Staffer: The Texans scored only 10 points against a bad defense with our offensive genius of a head coach.

McNair (looks at stacks of cash): Fine. Fine, that's fine.

Mike

Wonder what Norv Turner could do with this offense...

tGC

I'm contemplating having my second Monster Ultra Red. That's how bad this is.

BFD (to tGC)

How much vodka is in that?

Luke

Oh, dear no. Don't do it tGC. As a reformed Monster addict, please do not drink that stuff.

tGC

(to BFD) Not enough.

(to Luke) I can't help it. I hate it, but I love it so much.

UT

I've stopped wondering how Texans passes end up being incomplete as much as I wonder how they didn't get intercepted.

This is a bad place to be.

Capt Ron (to UT)

Yep. The joke is on all those faithful fans who are now facing several hours in miserable Houston traffic as they try to escape the stadium. McNair is racking up the cash as the Texans fail to rack up points.

Luke

I know. I drank far too much of that stuff in my teenage years. Most of my friends swear my skin went sallow from drinking it for a few months.

Capt Ron

Lamar Miller limping off the field in garbage time? But of course.

BFD

There's no sense of urgency at all with this offense. They don't care. They don't give a kitten.

UT

Oh kitten you and your field goals too, BOB.

(Texans recover the onside kick)

tGC

Holy kitten. We did a thing.

UT

STOP TRYING TO GIVE ME HOPE KITTENIT!

Mike

14 seconds left and the Third Coast Professional Kickball League ™ ® scores the day!

Luke

Yeah now, 13 seconds to go 40 yards for the TD>

BFD

Rare to see two hail marys in back to back plays. Kinda fun!

(Osweiler throws third interception as hail mary ends the game, Texans lose 21-13)

Mike

Brockerception v3.0

BFD

Live by the one possession game; die by the one possession game.

Luke

What a beautiful ARM PUNT!

ALL HAIL THE GLORIOUS ARM PUNT!

UT

Sure, let's end this tragicomedy with a kitteny exclamation point.

Post-Game Thoughts:

Capt Ron

After listening to Rich Gannon all game, I'd sign him as the OC and not let him leave NRG Stadium. Kitten, I'd dress him and start him at QB too. He has a much deeper awareness and strategic thought process than what we currently have on staff.

tGC

I've always liked Gannon as a commentator. He sees the game very well.

Mike

Gannon is an offensive genius. He doesn't get nearly the credit he deserves.

Hey! Let’s give out some game balls!

Offense: Will Fuller decided to show up today and Brock Osweiler managed to get some passes his direction, so let’s give one to Fuller today, because why not?

Defense: Whitney Mercilus was the only player consistently in the Chargers’ kitchen Sunday, so he gets this week’s defensive game ball. I’m sure he’s thrilled beyond words.