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BRB Ministry of Information’s Houston Texans Week Nine Preview: Nobody

This is the most unbiased preview of this week’s game between the Houston Texans and Nobody you will read on the planet.

We are at war with Nobody. We have always been at war with nobody.
Photograph made by Capt Ron

Rise for Hymn of the Houston Texans:

Comrades! Our glorious Houston Texans overwhelmed helpless Detroit Lions who buckled under the might of Texans dominance with a 20-13 score. It was win so simple and complete that most loyal Texans fans could not remember win 24 hours after it happened.

After win against the Lions, who played more like grouchy chipmunks, football loving fans and players of glorious Texans look forward to matchup against team that is winless against Texans and can never hope to defeat only team worthy of being called team of Mother Houston. That team, of course, is Nobody.

As Texans have never lost to Nobody in entire illustrious history of franchise, it hardly seems worth time to break down how poorly they match up with peace-loving fans and players of Houston Texans football team. So as change of pace, Minister of Information himself will answer questions in an objective, unbiased manner posed to him by Battle Red Blog’s Diehard Chris.

Diehard Chris: The [Tom Savage] signing has been an undeniable disaster at this point. What the Texans expected was an average game-manager who, with good coaching, could ascend to better than average. What they got was by all measures the worst or one of the worst three quarterbacks in the NFL. What can the Texans do to improve their QB play in the second half of the season?

Minister of Information: I do not know where you get your information from, but you are severely misinformed, comrade. [Tom Savage]’s brief but awe-inspiring tenure as glorious Houston Texans starting quarterback has been nothing short of unmitigated success.

Each pass he throws is like beautiful sonnet penned by Supreme Leader O’Brien to Texans fans around the world. The way each ball falls to ground like beautiful, lonely, brown, lumpy snowflake is worthy of song by Billy Gibbons. How else do you explain that he is competitive with other starting quarterbacks in yards per completion? Yards per attempt? His height alone is goal for Texans fans and players to aspire to.

Why would Texans need to improve quarterback play when they have such inspiration under center? If anything, glorious Houston Texans should be more like [Savage] and look to him to learn how they can improve both as players and human beings.

Diehard Chris: DeAndre Hopkins has excelled with terrible QBs his entire short career. Now he has been relegated to (on paper) looking downright pedestrian, while Texans fans know what he really is. This of course is what amounts to a contract year for Hop, who was once caught by cameras saying "get this mother****** out of here" in response to Brian Hoyer "Hoyering" in the playoffs last year. Hopkins has also appeared to have some body language issues this season - he's not happy. How strained is the Savage-Hop relationship?

Minister of Information: Houston Texans have never had terrible quarterback in entirety of their history. Not a one. All this franchise has ever known is Pro Bowl-MVP Matt Schaub, some unnamed quarterbacks who were not terrible at all, and mighty [Tom Savage] now.

The real reason that hero of Texans offense DeAndre Hopkins looks “pedestrian” as you call him is because he feels guilty so often on field. He knows he can ruin any cornerback’s career when he makes ridiculous one-handed catches likes of which we saw on Sunday against grumpy chipmunks from Detroit. He knows that, the corners know that, and DeAndre is very sensitive to feelings of his opponents.

My sources have even informed me of some corners who, after being destroyed on national television by Hopkins, went home, went into bathroom with toaster and...I don’t want to say what happens afterwards. My point is this: Hopkins is good and decent man. He does not want blood of vanquished on his hands, no matter how inferior to Hopkins those vanquished corners might be. So he’s taken steps to appear less impressive than he truly is, starting with last year’s playoff game and carrying over into this season. It is matter of some consternation to Supreme Leader O’Brien, but he is beneficent enough to understand Hopkins’ dilemma.

As for Hopkins’ body language, it is not my place to inform on Supreme Leader O’Brien’s strategy, but it is my understanding that his attitude is all an act. Supreme Leader wants Hopkins to do that so he can pretend to be unhappy and sniff out other teams who would poach glorious Houston Texans of their wealth of talent. He then plans to mark them down in special list and use complicated system to bring his vengeance upon them. He calls it his “Great Divided Smashing Horns of Union!” strategy, and it’s sure to succeed.

[Tom Savage] and DeAndre Hopkins are great friends and have been willing participants in Supreme Leader of Glorious Houston Texans’ scheme. Do not let their body language fool you. You as Texans fans are smarter than pig-headed opposition teams and “media outlets.”

Diehard Chris: Bill O'Brien came to Houston as a coach who was thought to be a bit of a QB-whisperer, with a mind to run a great NFL offense. Well, the defense has been largely successful since he began in Houston under what is likely almost complete and total control by Romeo Crennel, while the offense has been average at times and straight up horrible this season. What reason do Texans fans have to believe O'Brien can take this team to the next level?

Minister of Information: Since Supreme Leader O’Brien ascended to lofty heights of glorious leader of football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans, Texans have yet to experience losing season. His inspired leadership, his benevolence, and his leniency towards monumental screw-ups (which you could not say during regime of known dunderhead Gary Kubiak) have all contributed to success of only franchise that matters.

The thing to keep in mind about Supreme Leader O’Brien is he loves challenge, almost to fault (not that he has any faults, mind you). He knows how great of coach he is. If he made things easy for himself, and for fans of glorious Houston Texans, team would be on track to win its third Super Bowl. But Supreme Leader O’Brien does not like easy. He does not like to coast on own brilliance, so he has to make things harder for himself. He could’ve gotten a top tier quarterback in last couple of years, but decided to go with a bunch of nameless quarterbacks who were so inept that the sheer drag factor of their own incompetence would have no alternative but to weigh down Supreme Leader O’Brien’s brilliance. It is only now that he has decided to bring in truly top-flight talent like [Tom Savage] to show fans that he is serious about winning Super Bowl.

But Supreme Leader just can’t help himself. Despite weapons, he calls questionable plays that make it that much harder for Texans to win consistently because, again, he knows he can go 16-0 with this roster. He simply chooses not to do so in very convincing fashion.

O’Brien is more than capable of taking the Texans to top, but it falls to football loving fans of Mother Houston’s football team to urge Supreme Leader that is okay for him to take it easy on himself and team, to not make things more difficult than they have to be.

Diehard Chris: What do the Texans think special teams are used for? The rest of the NFL employs them to gain an advantage with field position - or in the case of defending a return - keeping the other team from gaining a field position advantage. The Texans seem to have a more "what the f**k-ever" approach that ignores the traditional uses of Special Teams, but I can't figure out the strategy. Can you explain?

Minister of Information: The special teams of glorious Houston Texans are merely an amusement to Supreme Leader O’Brien and his brain trust. Part of it goes back to O’Brien making things harder than he has to by putting jibbering imbecile like Tyler Ervin out as mighty Houston Texans’ return man. But simple truth of it is they treat special teams as own personal sitcom.

Supreme Leader hired Larry Izzo as team’s special teams coordinator with understanding that he would contribute zero or negative value to that part of team. So whenever you see Tyler Ervin fumble a ball but hold onto his towel, that is planned special teams play. When you see glorious Texans attempt to tackle returner and they slip out like they’ve been slathered in baby oil, that is planned too. Everything that happens on field is carefully planned and orchestrated by Supreme Leader O’Brien or his lieutenants.

Once the game is over, coaching staff takes tape of game and watches it in private, usually with selection of high ABV beverages, popcorn, or in the case of Mike Vrabel, bite-size rocks. Then they put on all special teams plays and laugh uproariously through night.

You might ask why do they do this? Well, comrade, they have such supreme confidence in own abilities that they know they can come back from any mistake made on special teams or team is meant to lose game with extreme intentionality as part of Supreme Leader O’Brien’s master plan. It is glorious plan and football loving fans and players of Houston Texans cannot hope to comprehend it, let alone question it.

Diehard Chris: Is the AFC South a blessing or a curse? It's great that the Texans can be infuriatingly mediocre and make the playoffs, but right now the ceiling seems to be exactly that - a trip to the playoffs with an inevitable thrashing at the hands of the first truly good team they face. With the Tennessee Titans - another team that is not very good - nipping at their heels, how can the Texans hold off the competition in 2016 to ensure a home playoff game?

Minister of Information: The AFC South is only division that is worth watching in major professional football. For teams such as baby horses, the BE-SFs, and Coughed-Up Hairballs of South Georgia, it is true privilege for them to play glorious Houston Texans not once but twice! Other teams in NFL are consistently jealous of not being part of division and know that they will never be worthy enough to play against Houston Texans on consistent basis.

Fans of glorious Houston Texans football team have nothing to fear from buffoons within division. Once famous turnip Mike Mularkey sees the serene, steely gaze of Supreme Leader O’Brien in the last game of season, he will lose all hope of winning and instruct team to fall over backwards on every play. The baby horses will collapse upon itself inevitably as their coach will have lost team by end of season, and the Hairballs have not even had the nerve to attempt to face the Texans once so far this season. The abject cowardice of these fraidycats will be ultimate undoing, leaving mighty Houston Texans, led by Supreme Leader O’Brien, as only power within indomitable AFC South division!

In short, Texans will not need to hold off their competition so much as the competition will be unable to stop itself from disintegrating before eyes of Mother Houston and her football fans!

While I cannot comment on Supreme Leader’s plan for playoffs, for glorious Houston Texans will be going to playoffs, our sources within team indicate that master plan has Texans falling early in playoffs. The reasoning behind this, I am told, is that Supreme Leader wants media, other teams, their fans, their tennis partners, and possibly their pets, to think little of Texans, to pass them off as pretenders to Super Bowl trophy. But next year, in greatest, long-term rope-a-dope the world has ever seen, Supreme Leader O’Brien will show full fury of glorious Houston Texans football team!