Rise for Hymn of Houston Texans!
Comrades! Our glorious Houston Texans fought valiantly in successfully defending the people’s football revolution against tyranny of woefully underprepared Chargers of San Diego. The football team of beloved Houston remains envy of both fans and players of entire NFL!
The Texans now embark to the frigid northern climes of lesser Wisconsin to show the mediocre Packers the error of their misguided footballing ways. The Packers were originally conceived and funded by decadent capitalist stooges who exploited football as a means of distracting workers from asking about paychecks. Falsified reports from sources outside objective Ministry of Information indicate that these stooges were involved in meat packing industry, but is yet another untruth. These Packers are too weak and puny to pack meat. They only pack cheese. Cheese is soft and susceptible to imperialist Packer lies, which is why misguided fans show dedication, however misled it might be, by wearing blocks of cheese on heads.
But have we ever seen these Packers give cheese to their football-loving fans and players? What kind of cheese do they get? Is it high-quality salty goodness or the kind you’d sooner throw in the fireplace and burn for warmth? Nobody knows, because these thieving cheesehoarders have never provided cheese of any kind, packed or unpacked, to anybody! The cheese is a lie, comrades! Compare that with the Texans Footballburo, which has on regular occasion provided delicious smoked meats and other delicacies to its people week in and week out. You will never see Great Commissar Bob McNair curry favor with proud, decent Texans fans with the promise of imaginary foodstuffs! It’s cruel, it’s barbaric, and it’s kind of insecurity that will ensure victory for the football arm of Mother Houston!
Speaking of insecurity, let us discuss the overwhelming sense of panic that clearly lies in the soul of Packers linebacker Clay Matthews. Matthews has lived in shadow of much better football players than himself; including his father, his grandfather, his uncle, his sister, and Oliver, the family labradoodle (who also outperformed Matthews at the combine). All this insecurity has led most withered branch of family tree to proclaim himself as the best. He knows this to be a lie, just as he knows that sun rises in the east, zebras are all stripey, and octopuses will inevitably take over world. But he must say it. Why? Because he is jealous of paragon of Texans defense, J.J. Watt. He has television commercial out which is most recent attempt to soothe fragile, almost cheese-like ego and it reeks of limburger-esque desperation. He cowardly squirms out of pile of beautiful pile of noble Texans players to score touchdown and declare himself better than he truly is. He will soon know what revolutionary justice is when he is overpowered by indefatigable Texans’ offensive line!
Since this commercial shows an opposing player scoring against glorious Houston Texans, it is more than obviously fantasy. However, if he is that insecure, fans and players of Houston Texans football must call out such nonsense.
Matthews is expected to play in a losing effort against Houston Texans, as is insurance salesman turned quarterback Aaron Rodgers. According to objective reports from ever reliable Ministry of Information, there is reason to believe that Rodgers has been brainwashed by longtime girlfriend Olivia Munn. These reports indicate that brainwashing process involved salacious flash cards portraying Munn doing things unbecoming of a Ministry of Information post, Irene Cara music, disco lighting all within a small dimly-lit closet at the Rodgers compound. During Monday night game against Eagles, Rodgers was seen sneaking into small dimly-lit tent set up by Rodgers without team approval.
While nobody knows exactly what horrific things Rodgers did to himself while in tent, Ministry was able to speak with one player, Eddie Lacy, who spoke on condition of anonymity in between bites of a whole roasted peacock with five-gallon bucket of mashed potatoes.
“Yo, it was creepy. He got into that tent thing and it was real quiet at first. Next thing I know, I hear this cracking sound like a whip and Rodgers muttering something about how he’s going to live forever and learn how to fly. I think he’s losing his damn marbles, myself. Now, if you’ll excuse me, there’s a kiddie pool of peach cobbler in the training room with my name on it.”
Glorious Houston Texans players never have to worry about having their minds taken from them. Even now, paragon of football excellence [Tom Savage] hears “dissenting” fans only as way to remain humble in spite of the gaudy stat lines he puts up on weekly basis.
[Savage] and high-flying Texans offense will face an old enemy in nematode Dom Capers, who sabotaged glorious Houston Texans’ first four seasons with constant intended bungling. As defensive coordinator, he is responsible for Packers’ famed “Great Wall of Swiss” defense. Swiss cheese wall, with its flavor, nationality, and heart full of neutral, will pose no risk as unstoppable Texans offense will glide through holes within cheese, bringing only sadness and possibly some cheese that imperialist masters have deprived them of for so long!
Reconnaissance from Last Week
On Monday night, Manchurian quarterback Rodgers and Packers of cheese lucked into a victory against toothless Philadelphia Eagles, one of which Eddie Lacy may or may not have tried to eat during the course of game. Eagles attempted to topple imperialist lapdogs that are Packers but it was truly a battle of who wanted it least. And in that battle, the Eagles won by a score of 27-13.