Hair of the Dog (Texans-Colts): Are Colts Used to Make Dog Food?

That was something, wasn’t it? The Texans managed to pull out a much more convincing, and much less infuriating, win against the ever nettlesome Indianapolis Colts.

The trouble is that while we do talk about the game a lot, it’s harder to say things about the offense. Mostly because, one, with the exception of the Texans’ two good drives (see more about that below), you can kind of predict how any given offensive drive is going to play itself out and, two, we’ve kind of said a lot of what can be said about the offense; unless the offense does something monumentally stupid, we end up repeating ourselves.

Which is why we’ll often go on weird tangents here. To me, this is one of the fun things about these email threads we pass along at BRB. I mean obviously we try to break down Texans drives as they happen and analyze what can be analyzed in the time we have during the game, but it’s also fun to see what tangents the conversation goes on.

Why am I bringing this up? Read below and you’ll understand.

As always, all swear words have been replaced with the word “kitten” to make this thread safe for work.

Pregame Comments:

Capt Ron

"These violent delights have violent ends."

Go Texans!

Weston

They are going to lose today, aren't they?

BFD

At least the Colts' offense is fun to watch. /shrug emoji

Luke

I'm going to mute the commentary and just have The O Jays ''Love Train'' on a continuous loop in hopes of getting me through another week of watching this offense.

Capt Ron

While channel surfing this morning for anything other than political news, I noticed that "Star Wars: The Phantom Menace" was on. My instincts were to quickly fan the button to get far away from it, but for some dreadful reason I hesitated. Within a few minutes, I realized a few terrible truths:

1. I would benefit greatly by making another cup of coffee and finish watching one of the worst films of all time, and certainly the worst in that series from George Lucas, because nothing the Texans could do a few hours later would be as bad.

2. George Lucas has no relation to Lucas Oil Stadium, but the connection seems to have been made by the universe today, so I'm going with it.

3. The Texans have Jar Jar Binks under center (lanky and clumsy by all measure), and the offense is being called by the Trade Federation Viceroy Nute Gunroy and his Neimoidian sidekick Rune Haako, neither of whom have a clue about strategy from start to finish.

Weston

Those movies are for babies. I have 9 year old little brothers and they love that kitten. It's like being upset that Reese's puff cereal is too sweet.

Luke

Save me Kevin Harlan, save me from our special teams.

First Quarter:

Capt Ron

Two plays for a first down! Yay!

Then overthrew Hopkins. Boooo!

Weston

I can't believe they actually attempted another pass to Hopkins down the sideline.

Luke

I know, right? Like I wasn’t sure that throw was still in the playbook.

Hop burned the corner also.

Capt Ron

Third-and-long, it's like you never left.

BFD

Brock has got to keep trying to push the ball downfield. He simply must.

I love Akeem Hunt. I do. /heart flutters

Weston

All I want for Christmas is a QB who will actually throw past the sticks on third down. Ohhhhh, a boy can dream.

UT

(to Capt Ron) That depends on if you believe the theory that Jar Jar Binks was a Sith lord in that first movie.

Luke

Yeah, Vontae Davis looked kinda rough running after Hopkins on that PA pass.

Weston

I 100% forgot about Akeem Dent.

UT

Is there anybody on the Texans that didn't fall for that kitten fake?

Weston

That was a OMG throw by Luck. He gets obliterated by McKinney and delivers a perfect throw to the sideline. That was unbelievable. How do we get one of those?

(O’Brien challenges a Colts completion.)

UT

BOB might actually win this challenge for once.

(60 seconds later)

Wait, what am I thinking? He doesn't win challenges.

Capt Ron

I don't see the value of that challenge. Also, to have them overturn a catch seems unlikely. You are counting on them judging possession/control to overturn.

BFD

Looks like a catch to me. Plus, even if we win the challenge, is it important? Is this a potential game changer kind of play? And if we lose the challenge, we're down to one?

Bill O'Brien: CHALLENGE SUPER GENIUS.

Oh, he lost it.

Weston

I'm probably going to end up seeing Collateral Beauty just because I've seen this commercial so many times.

Luke

Brock does step into throws against the blitz. He doesn't have the accuracy to put it on the money like Luck did there though.

Weston

O’Brien challenged it because if HOU goes down by even three points, they are screwed.

UT

The Colts are in the red zone. Being down by three points is a given.

Luke

I really want next year to get here so I can watch this defense with J.J. Watt playing in it.

(Colts strike first, kicking a field goal to lead 3-0)

Capt Ron

Yikes! 3-0? That might be tough to overcome. I suspect a defensive player may get cut next week to send a message about letting the team down.

UT

CBS is showing colorized episodes of The Dick Van Dyke Show? Why and for whom is this?

Weston

LOL.

"The defense has to do a better job. The offense is out there battling. They gave up, what, 20 points, John. That's 20 points too many."

Luke

Andrew Luck's hair is fascinating. I've never seen something with a thick fringe that then recedes backwards.

UT

(to Weston) BOB's message spreads like beautiful chrysanthemum to highly educated play by play personnel.

BFD

Again, I ask: why the kittening kitten is Jay Prosch on the field?

UT

(to Luke) It's like I was telling Big Matt on Twitter. It's like he got bitten by a radioactive shag carpet.

Capt Ron

Lamar Miller with a crap block allowing a sack? I guess he's just doing his best to try and get Weeden into the game.

Luke

(to BFD) BEECAUSE THIS AIN'T NO HIGHTY TIGHTY OFFENSE. ALL WE DO IS RUN POWER I TO THE RIGHT SIDE AND HAVE THE QB STICK THE FOOTBAW IN THE TAILBACKS GUT AND HAVE HIM FOLLOW THE FULLBACK

Weston

I'm proud of all of us for sticking through this nonsense week after week.

BFD

Exotic Methmouth goes up 10-0 over the Broncos. Good kitten, we're wasting the talent on our roster.

(Quintin Demps intercepts a really badly thrown ball by Andrew Luck)

Capt Ron

Demps interception! It's a love/hate relationship, but all love right now.

Luke

Quintin Demps: You've got mail!

UT

I'm happy because that was a terrible pick by Andrew Luck.

I'm horrified because now Brock Osweiler gets to play "anything you can do I can do better."

Luke

ALFRED BLUE IS ON THE FIELD, BOYS! TIME FOR POWER I!

UT

Anyone else thinks this drive ends with a game tying field goal?

Weston

(to UT) Brett should make a video of that but with Bortles and Osweiler.

Luke

YEEEE HAWWWWWWWW! POWER I TO THE RIGHT SIDE ALL DAY.

Weston

I would rather see that then Brock Osweiler in an empty set in the red zone.

UT

GLORY TO SUPREME LEADER O'BRIEN'S ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

Capt Ron

1st and goal at the 6 yard line after a gifted turnover by Luck, and this amazing “awefense” comes away with 3 points. Just terrible.

Luke

On that incomplete pass to Grimes in the red zone, Hopkins was coming off of a break against Davis with the entire middle of the end zone free.

Weston

I think UT and I could move Vince Wilfork off the line

UT

Who do we pay to make this happen? Because I'm willing to give it a shot.

Weston

Maybe we can talk to Castrol and make a commercial out of it? We just need a week of practicing getting hip to hip.

Capt Ron

I sincerely appreciate Bob McNair for bringing the NFL back to Houston. If he went down to the field and fired O'Brien and Godsey right KITTEN now, I'd personally lead the charge to have a massive stature erected in McNair's honor. This offense is possibly going to go down as the worst in NFL history.

UT

I like where you're going and I think we should pitch this immediately, but this is my one question: in this commercial, is Wilfork wearing the overalls?

Notice, HotD readers, how we're NOT talking about this game.

(to Ron) Except we'd still have Rick Smith, and I don't trust him to not botch hiring the next head coach.

Second Quarter:

Luke

Notice how we don't want to talk about Brock Osweiler and this offense.

Weston

(to UT) YES. We can be blogging in our basements and then he can walk in and be like I heard ya'll are talking kitten, and then we try to move him, and then we die.

Capt Ron

(to UT) Just promote Rick to obscurity and put him in charge of designing the next stadium or something.

UT

(to Weston) The Castrol logo comes up over our smoldering corpses with Wilfork standing menacingly over us. I like how this is developing!

Luke

Yes, the TEs have improved. However as the general offense as a whole has taken a big step back, it's kind of negated the impact of said TE improvement.

Weston

And then he opens up a BBQ shop by using our bodies as product.

I always enjoy the Vontae Davis v. DeAndre Hopkins matchup

BFD

The difference between TEs and WRs is about five yards per catch. It's the wrong direction to develop.

Luke

That just raises the question of what's the best cut of Matt and UT that you can get?

(Osweiler throws an interception intended for C.J. Fiedorowicz, which is returned 25 yards.)

UT

Osweiler: o/~ ANYTHING YOU CAN DO, I CAN DO BETTER! I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU! o/~

Luck: No you can't.

Osweiler: Yes, I can.

Luck: No you can't.

Osweiler: o/~ YES I CA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AN o/~

BFD

LOL@Osweiler. He put nothing on a throw that should've never happened.

Capt Ron

3rd and 1 after a questionable spot where I swear we had enough for the 1st down (good place for that challenge flag), and of course Brock offers up the interception!

UT

(to Luke) Speaking for myself, probably the belly. Really good marbling there.

Weston

(to Luke) Probably my upper back, whatever that is. I do lat pulls 6x a week. Today is my rest day.

I loved Osweiler's reaction to that pick. I need a gif of that.

Capt Ron

Another great stop! This defense doesn't deserve to be tied to this terrible KITTEN offense. It would be awesome if J.J. Watt chartered a separate flight for the defense after the game as a statement.

Luke

Ask and you shall receive.

Weston

(to Luke) YES. Tweet that for me.

Is XSF injured today or benched?

Capt Ron

I like the strategy of keeping the ball out of Brock's hands, but Lamar Miller is going to be two inches shorter by the end of the game if they keep pounding him like this.

Diehard Chris

Aboushi started the game. I didn't pay any attention to the pregame news today, so not sure why.

BFD

I love Akeem Hunt. I really do. So quick and runs hard.

UT

And then Miller up the middle. Can you guess what happened afterward? I bet you can.

Capt Ron

The second-level blocking is surprisingly good today.

BFD

Godsey and O'Brien have such great chemistry calling the offense that it's terrible to watch, doesn't use its players well, and is second last in the league. CHEMISTRY!

(Lamar Miller goes up the middle and into the end zone for a touchdown. Texans lead 10-3)

Capt Ron

Nice work there for a TD by Lamar Miller. Prosch with a good block. These Colts' linebackers are getting worked today by some excellent blocking.

Luke

Holy kitten. A third down throw to CJF on a out route which (A) Makes the first down and (B) Isn't left inside for a defender to make a play.

Weston

CJF is good. It took some time, but it has happened.

So that was the first good drive. They will get one more. Can the defense hold Indy to 20 points?

BFD

Terrific throw and catch to set up Miller's TD run. That was a don't think, just throw pass by Osweiler, and it had something on it for a change.

Capt Ron

Brock converted TWO third downs that drive. We are in unfamiliar territory here.

Lamar Miller walks in for a touchdown!

Luke

There are ways to protest a TD. Air humping shouldn't be one of them.

UT

I thought air humping was how one CELEBRATED a touchdown. Or at least that's what Antonio Brown taught me.

BFD

And once again, I visualize Tim.

Luke

DON'T WORRY BOYS AND GIRLS, ROGER ''THE ENFORCER'' GODDELL WILL PUT A STOP TO THESE AIR HUMPING BASED SHENANINGANS! FOR THE GLORY OF THE SHIELD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Capt Ron

Bouye needs to get paid....with McNair's money.

Kareem covering T.Y. Hilton (a guy who likely has a cousin named F.U. Marriott), and he turned his head and didn't get burned! New territory indeed!

Luke

Man, writing about Bouye is going to be fun this week.

Weston

That's what nightmares are made of.

It's pretty incredible that HOU's biggest offseason decision will be whether or not to pay Bouye.

BFD

Robert Nelson is having a helluva game. He's making plays out there as well.

Luke

Yeah we have an uncanny knack for getting the most out of secondary players. Heck, Terrence Mitchell (who was on the roster during the pre-season) had a game-sealing pick-six for the Chiefs on Thursday Night.

UT

Will Fuller with a nice catch. 22 seconds left in the half. What should we doooooooooooooooo?

(Texans prepare to kick a field goal.)

Diehard Chris

Nick Novak kittening sucks. (preemptive strike)

Luke

ARM PUNT! ARM PUNT! ARM PUNT!

(Nick Novak kicks a 52-yard field goal to put the Texans up 13-3.)

Diehard Chris

Nick Novak still kittening sucks.

Capt Ron

The Texans are up 13-3 over the Colts on the road? The last time I was this confused about my surroundings was when I ended up off the ski trail during a big blizzard.

BFD

(to Capt Ron) Did you survive?

Weston

Houston is winning this game. Nick Novak making a 51 yard FG is in the residue of my tea pot.

UT

(to BFD) Wait...Ron is the ghost in the machine?

Halftime Comments:

Weston

Houston is going to win this game. Novak made a 50+ yd FG. IND can't stop the run and Osweiler is doing just enough. Also, this secondary is still sticking to receivers even without Joseph and are forcing things to Indy's old stinky running backs.

The only thing that can turn this game around for Indy is if they start hitting throws downfield.

BFD

Dear Notre Dame,

Just look at this offense! It's proof that Bill O'Brien truly is a OFFENSIVE SUPER GENIUS. Hire him now. Now now now.

RAC stays, though. We'll also throw in Godsey because CHEMISTRY.

Your faithful servant,

bfd

UT

I think Browns fans have taken "sad football fan" to an art form. Someone had a blown up picture of a crying baby's face and is wearing that as a hat and dancing around like he's crying.

That's production value for sadness! Can't say I've ever seen a Texans fan do that while going sad football fan.

Third Quarter:

Diehard Chris

I'd like to see a crack toss to Hunt at some point in the 2nd half. Or anything else to get him around the edge.

UT

Nice tackle by Akeem Hunt to start the half.

BFD

That was an absolutely BS call on the unnecessary roughness. Just trash.

(Andrew Luck throws another pick, this time to Andre Hal.)

UT

Speaking of GIFs, someone gif me Andrew Luck's reaction to that pick!

BFD

Holy kitten, this defense. Quentin Demps and Andre Hal with picks. WOWOWOWWOWOW.

UT

Hal: I'm sorry Dave, I can't allow you to complete that pass.

Luck: Who the kitten is Dave?

BFD

"Putting players in a position to impact the game."

Hey, they've been listening to BRR!

Capt Ron

Clowney rising! That pick was thanks to his rundown and mauling of Luck. Great reflexes by Hal to get the ball.

UT

Aw kitten, Luke is going to lose that bet to Big Matt, isn't he?

(Nick Novak kicks a 24-yard field goal to put the Texans up 16-3.)

UT

GLORY TO MOSTLY FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

Diehard Chris

Kitten almighty, just when I think Osweiler can't be any worse. He is beyond terrible. I'm so glad his rookie year is nearly over.

Luke

(to UT) What bet was this now?

BFD

The defense really needs to understand that, if they don't return the picks for a TD, it probably ain't gonna happen.

UT

(to Luke) Bortles v. Luck, who goes bald first.

Luke

I feel comfortable with my decision.

BFD

We've dominated this game defensively, but they're still within two scores. That's amazing in a bad way.

(Colts score a touchdown after a bogus PI call and a defensive screw-up. Texans lead 16-10.)

BFD

Quentin Demps tackling like D.J. Swearinger on the Gore TD. We don't make many mistakes, but that wasn't a well-covered play.

Capt Ron

BS interference call. Then old man Gore runs over Texans for a TD.

I wish the offense could have gotten two red zone TDs off those turnovers, because field goals won't likely be enough.

(On the touchdown, the Colts suffer an injury to their offensive line.)

BFD

Mewhort is easily their best offensive lineman. That's a pretty big blow (phrasing) for their line.

Capt Ron

The Colts are burning Mercilus when he gets aggressive with inside moves, and they exploit the edge to the right side.

UT

Third and long. I SMELL A DRAW PLAY COMING!!!

Capt Ron

How about a pass completion one foot short of the first down? KITTEN these play calls!

Luke

EUGH, Punting on 4th and 1

Weston

That wasn't the play call. That was Keith Mumphery jumping forward to catch a rising Osweiler pass attempt.

Nelson raising his arms up to try and show he didn't interfere on the pass is his version of the batflip.

Capt Ron

Secondary is getting Houston killed now. Nelson has some good coverage, but a few costly mistakes too.

UT

The ref that was RIGHT KITTENING THERE did not throw a flag for pass interference.

Yet it's somehow pass interference. Kitten these refs.

BFD

Young guy making mistakes. I can live with that, I think, though it hurts. Nelson had really good coverage, and that's a thing.

(to UT) The ref who threw the flag had the angle on the no-look by Nelson. Right call.

(Colts get to the Texans’ 3-yard line and look to take the lead when Jadeveon Clowney strip sacks Andrew Luck.)

Capt Ron

Clowney!

SCT

SEND.

IN.

THE.

CLOWN.

UT

Jadeveon Clowney with the strip! Texans recover! Hot kitten that was sexy.

And I know sexy.

BFD

The Colts let Dwayne Allen try to block Clowney one on one. Quite frankly, you deserved the strip sack.

Weston

I don't get that. They were blocking one gap over to the right. HOU must have been blitzing that way or showing pressure to put Clowney in that situation.

Capt Ron

....and he still held (uncalled, of course) Clowney all the way to Luck.

Diehard Chris

I'd love to see Texans' numbers on 2nd & 10 this year both for run vs. pass (guessing 90/10?) and where they run it (guessing 80%+ inside).

Weston

What's up with the guard play today? Aboushi has been in for both XSF and Allen.

SCT

Never thought I would see the day when the Texans passing attack ran through C.J. Fiedorowicz.

UT

(to Capt Ron) Not for lack of trying. If it weren't for that holding call, it would've been [three and out].

Capt Ron

Wow! The offense is moving down the field and giving the defense a breather? Fantastic! Hopefully they'll find another TD instead of a FG this time too.

Luke

Remind me of that later Chris and I'll check it out.

Also I love the mention of Lamar Miller's various injuries and then not comment on the fact that he's getting run up the gut.

Fourth Quarter:

Weston

Here is the second good drive.

Capt Ron

Brock gets sacked. And XSF is standing around after blocking nobody.

Derek Carr waves hello somewhere in the distance.

BFD

All part of the master plan to kick another field goal.

UT

There's the I give up draw play.

The world makes sense again.

(Novak kicks yet another field goal, this time for 41 yards to put the Texans up 19-10.)

(Colts defender runs into and injures Novak.)

UT

Running into the kicker, isn't that an automatic first down?

Capt Ron

How is that not a first down for roughing the kicker? That could have been a career ending injury. The NFL is BS with respect to player safety.

(Colts score a touchdown, Texans still lead 19-17.)

BFD

Poor Nelson went full Petey Faggins on that play.

Weston

I told you Andrew Luck is really good BFD.

Capt Ron

Why the KITTEN is Nelson covering Hilton?!! Get Bouye on him.

This is why touchdowns instead of three field goals on three turnovers would be useful for Houston.

UT

You never go full Petey Faggins.

Someone remind me, why do we call him Petey again?

Weston

Miller is going to hit 300 carries this year, isn't he?

Did you see how pretty that outside zone run? They should do that more often.

(Alfred Blue fumbles the ball, Texans recover.)

UT

If the Colts recover this ball, this game is over.

Luke

I still don't understand why 60% of the Texans’ runs are between the tackles considering how terrible they are at it.

Weston

I like how they ran 25 seconds off the clock to give Pagano all the time in the world.

Diehard Chris

The snap at first down and the clock running came with 8 seconds left on the play clock. Sigh.

UT

I think Godsey is a big believer of Zeno's Paradox when it comes to the passing game.

Weston

Who's ready for this Novak FG, followed by a Luck TD?

Capt Ron

Center Mancz with -20 yards on this drive.

Luke

I think the Colts want to loose this one more than you think they do Matt.

Also hot damm Brock is hitting the back shoulder throws today.

Capt Ron

Colts flagged for too many men on the field. Pagano wants to challenge the definition of "men."

Weston

That was sick throw to CJF.

Here's part one of the prophecy. It's Andrew Luck, Luke. We aren't talking about the 2009 Texans here.

UT

The following conversation just happened:

/flag thrown

Me: Oh no.

Mrs. UT: (sees ref's gesture, no audio). Too many men, good it's against the Colts.

Me: (looks astonished)

Mrs. UT: Pretty impressive I knew that, huh?

Me: You are so sexy right now.

(Nick Novak kicks yet another field goal, for 34 yards, while at fourth and inches at the Colts’ 18-yard line.)

UT

Back to the game, oh kittening come on. BOB needs to be donated some testicles after that FG.

Capt Ron

Yeah, Blue went down before stretching the ball out.

5 field goals today; 3 in the red zone. Pathetic offense is pathetic.

Mike

My only contribution to this conversation:

STOP RUNNING MILLER UP THE A GAP!!!!!

Weston

Eddie Pleasant is the grassy knoll of this defense.

Capt Ron

Clowney clawed Luck, causing another floating duck.

(Andrew Luck throws incomplete toward Robert Turbin on fourth down. Texans get the ball with 1:20 left.)

UT

Texans get the stop! Texans are going to win!!!

Weston (on the Colts’ play selection)

hahahahaha what a bunch of dumb kittens.

Postgame Comments:

Capt Ron

First time sweeping the Colts in franchise history!

This may be the highlight of the season. As good as it gets! I'll accept that.

Mike

SWEPT THE BABY HORSES FOR THE FIRST TIME EVEEEERRRRRRR!!!!!

Diehard Chris

What a horrible play call. Good lord. I'll take it.

Weston

So Houston has locked the AFC record over TEN. They have a one game cushion on them. We are so going to get week 17 HOU v. TEN for the AFC title.

Luke

Playing for the Colts is pain.

Hey, let’s give out some game balls!

Offense: This is always a challenge. I’ll give it to C.J. Fiedorowicz for some amazing grabs he made during the game.

Defense: This one is a no-brainer. Jadeveon Clowney made what likely was the game-saving play by strip-sacking Andrew Luck at the Texans 3-yard line and earlier forcing an interception to Andre Hal.

The floor is yours now. Who did you think stood out? Who would you say was the hero of the game? Add your thoughts to the comments section below!