Rise for glorious hymn of Houston Texans:
Comrades! People’s football team of Texas, our mighty Houston Texans, have corralled sad baby horses of Indianapolis, breaking their fragile spirit and possibly their quarterback, likely ending any comical hope of playoff berth for unfortunate wretches. After crushing opponents of football loving people of Mother Houston, strength of the state, by score of 22-17. All other teams who oppose Texans now cower like children in their boots as they witness full might of only great team in the NFL.
This transcendent victory did not, however, come without a price. Famed purveyor of ugly socks and counterrevolutionary sympathizer Charles James has joined ranks of the now-vanquished baby horses. Sources within wholly objective Ministry of Information believe that sole reason for traitorous cornerback’s hire was to make proud, resolute Texans fans turn on Supreme Leader of Texans Marshal Bill O’Brien and People’s Commissar for Vending Machine and Personnel Decisions Rick Smith. Loyal fans of glorious Houston Texans are too smart to fall for so simple a ruse devised by failed 80s action movie henchman and baby horses general manager Ryan Grigson. With baby horses prone to ploys like this, it is little surprise that they have proven to be inadequate foil for Texans over last several years.
But enough about infantile horses that have been consigned to dustbin of the NFL. Now football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans must turn attention to next opponent, Hairballs of Jacksonville. To call this collection of imperialist jackals a team is, in the opinion of Ministry of Information, generous. To call them threat is absurdity likes of which Texans fans haven’t experienced since J.J. Watt’s highly successful experience under center during last year’s playoff game against some team or other.
Why should glorious Texans fret against such bumbling entity as lowly Hairballs? Football might of Mother Houston has not lost to miserable feline sputum in three years and have won 10 of last 12 matchups against them. It would have been 12 straight except for highly suspicious outside actors causing undue influence on outcome of both of those games.
Due to frequent displays of football excellence performed by the Texans time and again, year after year, feelings of inadequacy run rampant in Jacksonville. Along with well-deserved sense of ineptitude against only team in NFL that matters, top Hairballs officials have developed plans, which are more than certain to end in failure, to defeat the Texans by emulating their winning ways.
That plan begins with new head coach. As well-informed Texans fans obviously know, Hairballs head coach and honorary Hero of Texans Defense Gus Bradley is likely to be exiled as part of a massive purge by team. This strikes Ministry of Information as odd since the coach has drawn comparisons to coach of the “patriots,” enemy of Mother Houston, and second coming of Marshal Tito without the warmth, Bill Belichick. With sterling record against all teams except glorious Texans, it is difficult to believe foolish Hairball high command would be willing to part with such a key component to team.
But then question becomes who they replace him with. With another “patriots” coach. Extremely impartial Ministry reporters indicate that Hairballs are slavering over “patriots” offensive coordinator and lapdog of northeastern stooge Belichick, Josh McDaniels. This is same coach who held so-called quarterback Tim Tebow in as high regard as the entirety of the NFL has for Order of Teh Schaub award recipient [Tom Savage]. Is ludicrous for any enlightened Footballburo to believe such a retread could lead the Hairballs to lofty heights of indomitable Houston Texans. While we appreciate that they hold the Texans in such high regard, is unlikely that their plan will succeed. McDaniels lacks strategic vision and genius, expert in-game decision making, and the sheer intestinal fortitude of our Great Leader, Comrade Bill O’Brien.
If they do replace Bradley with interloper McDaniels, he will have incapable hands full trying to right sinking ship in Jacksonville. First and foremost of his problems would be quarterback apparently gripped in a massive identity crisis. Hairballs quarterback Blank Bortles has thrown so many touchdowns to stalwart defenders of the Texans, pride of the city of Houston, that he has forgotten that he is, in fact, a quarterback. When asked about fact that he’s thrown an interception for touchdown in all three games quickly balding quarterback has played, he told unbiased Ministry reporters that he “had to learn to be a better tackler.” This explains why quarterback has struggled since very beginning of career. Anonymous sources state Bortles has believed himself to be linebacker since joining league and has never understood why they insisted on playing him at quarterback position.
The entirety of Bortles’ statement read: “We’ve done a terrible job at keeping the high-flying and impossibly great Texans from getting into the end zone. I might have had something to do with that, what with all the kick-picks I’ve thrown lately, and I know that the linebacker corps has done nothing to help us there. But this is no time for blame, even though it’s totally the linebackers’ fault. That’s why I have to learn to be a better tackler, because then I might be able to bail out the linebackers and the Jags can get an actual quarterback in the draft.”
This will be nothing new for McDaniels, who confessed that at end of his time in Denver, Tebow confessed that he believed he was potato peeler instead of Broncos’ signal-caller.
If Hairballs do get new quarterback, they will also need new tight end. Former prized free agent Julius Thomas is likely finished as starting tight end for grimey Hairballs offense due to lack of contribution to team full of lack of contributions. That’s what fraudulent reports will tell you. Truth of matter is that Thomas has grown impatient with circus shenanigans, both figurative and literal, surrounding the Hairballs.
“I went from a Super Bowl contender to...to...whatever the hell this is in Jacksonville. I wanted to bring that winning culture I had in Denver here, and between the man-eating tarps, the linebacker we have under center, and our owner, who is clearly a werewolf, it’s all too damn much. I gotta get out of here.”
Glorious Texans have little to fear from kittens, especially outside of litter box. Triumph of Texans leads us on!
Reconnaissance from Last Week:
To surprise of absolutely nobody, not even hapless fans of mediocre Hairballs, Vikings rolled over the Hairballs 25-16. What is surprising is that Hairballs have begun their plan to mimic glorious Houston Texans offense by offering up poor imitation of Supreme Leader O’Brien’s vaunted and highly effective all field goal offense. Their kicker, who got called for delay of game penalty before game had even technically started, kicked three measly field goals that barely cleared the crossbar. Bortles threw one touchdown pass, which both he and receiver were surprised to see happen; but none of that mattered as probable serial killer Sam Bradford completely dominated pitiful Hairballs non-defense. Football loving fans and players of Houston Texans should not expect hard day’s football on Sunday. Only smooth and glorious victory!