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Battle Red Balls: Jags-Texans

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The game hasn’t even been played yet, but we’re handing out game balls on BRB.

NFL: Houston Texans at Indianapolis Colts Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

After the sweeping defeat of the Baby Horses last week, the Houston Texans are back at it again, looking to sweep another division rival in the Jacksonville Jaguars.

We’re so convinced Houston is going to win that we’re giving away game balls on Friday, a full 48 hours before we know the final score.

Without further adieu, or any other cliche involving foreign words, here’s this weeks balls:

Capt. Ron:

Offense - Lamar Miller. He's been forced into a role as a human battering ram all season, and somehow he is surviving with more than 1,000 yards to show for it. The abuse will continue, as the strategy seems to be to keep the ball out of Brock's hands as much as possible.

Defense - A.J. Bouye. He should feast on Blake Bortles' mistakes this game.

Diehard Chris:

Offense - DeAndre Hopkins has his best game of the season as the Texans continue to move him around a bit more. Oh, to be hopeful. So hopeful.

Defense - Kareem Jackson, with the help of Blake Bortles' ridiculous sun dial-timed wind-up, ices the game with a pick six.

Matt Weston:

Offense - Brock Osweiler. Maybe he'll break 100 yards!

Defense - Someone in the secondary. Blake Bortles is D-U-M. Houston is going to have trouble moving the ball against Jacksonville, and they are going to need Bortles to make mistakes and take advantage of them.

Mike Bullock:

Offense - C.J. Fedorowicz. The offensive Texans Tough Guy of the Year continues to punish opponents and racks up a two scores with nearly 100 yards receiving, all while bleeding internally and suffering from massive contusions to his frontal lobe. The guy is a tank.

Defense - Blake Bortles. The Jags’ QB has thrown seven picks to the Texans in the last five games. He’ll throw three more this week after Jadeveon Clowney and Whitney Mercilus scare him from the pocket on nearly every passing down, and A.J. Bouye, Andre Hal and Kareem Jackson benefit from the errant throws, returning one for a Texans touchdown.

Tim:

Offense - Stephen Anderson. With Braxton Miller and Jaelen Strong laid up, Anderson gets more snaps, has a couple big catches for first downs, and notches his second touchdown of the season.

Defense - Andre Hal. This will make consecutive games with an interception for the Texans' safety.

Luke Beggs:

Offense: Lamar Miller. The Jags’ defense is still going to struggle, and this might be Lamar Miller's last remaining chance to string together another 100 yard rushing game.

Defense: Whitney Mercilus. Merc's production may be down, but he's still getting a lot of consistent pressure. Look for him to get to the QB a few times on Sunday for 1.5 sacks.

kdentify:

Offense: Lamar Miller. He will continue to cover for the fact that Osweiler is terribad, Godsey is an abomination, and O'Brien does some really stupid sh.t during games.

Defense: The Defensive Backs. Blake Bortles likes to do stupid sh.t on the football field. Our DBs (overseen by the wonderful and woefully underappreciated Romeo Crennel) will reap the benefits of that.

Battle Red Coat:

Offense: Jay Prosch blocks well for Lamar Miller to get us down into field goal range for Nick Novak.

Defense: Kareem Jackson gets his third Blake Bortles pick-six and becomes top all-time in Texans’ history for pick-sixes.

There you have it, folks. A pre-Christmas gift giving party for your Houston Texans.

Let us know who gets your balls in the comments below!