Rise for Hymn of the Houston Texans:
Comrades! Our Houston Texans, envy of entirety of football, have emerged triumphant once again against neutered Hairballs of Jacksonville! While score of 21-20 may appear unsettling to untrained eye, and entirely too close a score for football might of Mother Houston to achieve against such an inferior opponent, is worth noting that Texans were merely toying with prey in classic game of bull and cat.
Ultimately, wretched felines from Florida were unable to prevent Hero of Texans Offense, and Texans’ starting quarterback since Week One, Tom Savage from laying waste to Hairballs. To think, this team was propped up by comically misinformed outsiders as team who could knock people’s football team of Texas as leaders of the only division that matters!
Because of our glorious Texans’ ability to ravage all those who oppose them, other lesser teams of NFL look upon them as an example to copy and threat to what insignificant championship hopes they might have. One of those lesser teams is Texans’ next opponent, Cincinnati Bengals, a team so backward and mismanaged that only appears functional when compared to other team from same state.
Most of Bengals’ backwardness can be traced to the owner of the team, Mike Brown, a man so inept at every endeavor he undertakes that he even botched naming his stadium, a palace for his team and fragile ego, after himself. When informed that he must spend money toward the saving grace of league, the salary cap, Brown spent tens of millions of people’s hard-earned dollars on this:
He refuses to spend money on team because he does not want additional caps for wardrobe. This is man making decisions for a professional football team. This is why our Great Commissar Bob McNair is more equal than other owners; he has firm grasp of football economics and better wardrobe sense than bumbling owner Mike Brown.
The wrongheadedness of this team starts with Brown and trickles down to their coach, celebrated local vagrant who claims to be a defensive genius and dupes ownership into hiring him on a yearly basis, and even to their players. The Bengals, who are as familiar with losing as mighty Texans are with winning, are already out of playoff hunt, in keeping with longstanding football tradition. Their only hope for yet another playoff loss to football might of Mother Houston was quashed last week after losing to criminal Steelers, and many of their important pieces of the team are injured, but that will not keep Bengals from trotting them out onto field like show horses facing business end of cattle prod.
Our incorruptible reporters with Ministry were able to get comments from linebacker about his enforced return to the field.
When asked how he was feeling after concussion he suffered last week, he stated:
“Fish. I feel like fish. I wanted to fold some sheets and take a breather with Mr. Peanut and the Snapple lady, but Mr. Peanut looked really flimsy and I decided that the cockatiel was pretty enough to withstand even the strongest antacid tablets. Why are there six of you and how do you keep spinning without getting dizzy? I don’t think the olive fork is where they say it is and maybe it’s next to the spacesuit and my singing potatoes.”
Bengals receiver A.J. Green is also being dragooned by imperialist taskmasters running team into playing despite still recovering from a hamstring tear.
“It would be cowardly for me to stay off the field,” said Green as he read tonelessly from a sheet handed to him by a Bengals staffer, “All I want to do is play and play and play some more. I’m sure my hamstring will be fi—Really? This is what they want me to—okay. I’m sure my hamstring will be fine and we can make a last ditch run at the playoffs scratch that they got eliminated las—” the paper was snatched away by the aforementioned staffer.
Is deplorable that professional football team would have to stoop to such low behavior to field competitive teams. Contrast that with glorious Texans’ handling of injuries, where ensuring safety of player is highest priority throughout organization.
Reports also indicate that Bengals are grateful to see someone other than T.J. Yates under center for football loving fans and players of Houston Texans. “It will be refreshing to play against someone who has been the starting quarterback since the beginning of the season.”
There have been rumors trickling in from unscrupulous and disreputable sites claiming that Texans have had problems at quarterback and have been using quarterback named “Osweiler” as their starter. Comrades, these are scandalous lies! Ministry of Information has thoroughly searched its records, and at no point does the name “Osweiler” come up in any of them. We have reason to believe he is fictional player concocted by elements controlled by petty tyrant Elway and other elements of NFL who are jealous of the superlative efforts of longtime starting quarterback Tom Savage. Anyone who has claimed to have seen this “Osweiler” should be reported immediately to Ministry of Information for disloyalty to people’s football team of Texas!
It is widely believed within the Ministry that caricature known as “Osweiler” is based primarily on Bengals quarterback, and Scut Farkus cosplay enthusiast, Andy Dalton. Dalton, who spent his high school football career trying in vain to prop up perennial football backwater Katy High School, has all hallmarks of “Osweiler” character: an inability to throw deep ball of greater than 20 yards, a certain preposterousness while wearing cowboy-related clothing, and, yellow eyes. So help us, yellow eyes!
We at Ministry cannot hope to understand why Bengals are such backward-facing team, but we suspect deeply that it has something to do with chili. For reasons incomprehensible to Ministry, proud workers and fans of Cincinnati insist on eating it, whereas sensible Texans fans know that it is best used primarily as mortar for building construction. It is worth noting that rancid meat and fetid sauce used as ingredients for this so-called “chili” have been known to drive people insane when faced with prolonged exposure.
Reconnaissance from Last Week:
The Bengals jumped out to a 14-point lead against hated Steelers. However, it appears that bumbling tigers were too busy looking backward (again) and admiring first half that they forgot to play second half of game, letting Steelers come back to win, unfortunately, 24-20. If Bengals are unable to subdue the lowly crooks from Pittsburgh, our glorious Texans should have no trouble fending off their feeble attacks and showing Mike Brown how a team is supposed to be run.
10,000 YEARS OF LIFE TO LONGTIME STARTING QUARTERBACK TOM SAVAGE!
Is now incumbent upon you, football loving commentariat of Mother Houston, to espouse your two minutes of hate (within strict confines of commenting policies of glorious BRB) on latest weaklings standing in the Texans’ way of inevitable victory.
The Minster of Information can now be followed on Twitter at @BRBInfoMinistry.