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Battle Red Balls: Bengals v. Texans

Game balls for Christmas! Before Christmas, even!

Jacksonville Jaguars v Houston Texans Photo by Tim Warner/Getty Images

Just in time for Christmas, we’ve brought you the best column about giving away awards for things no one has done yet you’ll ever read in your entire visit to this post!

Tomorrow the amazing, exciting, thrilling, splendific Texans are welcoming the Cincinnati Bengals to town so Houston can spoil the Bengals’ Christmas. That’s what the season is all about, after all. Right?



All right! Let’s get down to it!

Battle Red Coat:

Offense - DeAndre Hopkins: Tom Savage gets him the ball better than we've seen all year. Two touchdowns and 100 yards for the big man.

Defense - Benardrick McKinney: Add another eight tackles and a sack to his totals as he continues to be a menace to all opposing offenses.

Capt. Ron:

Offense - DeAndre Hopkins: During the game last week, I told myself I was going to give this to Nick Novak this week, but that was before Bill O’Brien benched Brock. With Tom Savage at the helm, there is a welcomed renaissance taking place to bring the best offensive weapon back into service for Houston.

Defense - Jadeveon Clowney: He continues to improve with each snap. The ceiling is unknown but possibly galactic!

Mike Bullock:

Offense - C.J. Fedorowicz: The Tank is back this week and he’s ready to run over the depleted Cincinnati defense. With the Bengals’ secondary worried about DeAndre Hopkins, CJF350 will roll again, racking up a season-high in yards and contributing at least one receiving touchdown.

Defense - John Simon: The Bengals offense is terrified of Jadeveon Clowney, scared of Whitney Mercilus, and afraid of Benardrick McKinney, which leave Simon getting very little attention; that is just what Romeo Crennel wants. Two sacks and a forced fumble for Simon change the game in a way that leaves Texans fans feeling merry the night before Christmas.

Matt Weston:

Offense - Tom Savage: There's nothing you can point to to say that he's good. But at least he isn't Brock Osweiler, the worst quarterback in the league. From here on out, Savage is the only thing that matters this season.

Defense - A.J. Bouye, baby. He's been one of the best corners in the NFL this season. I'm all tingly thinking about him covering A.J. Green.


Offense - Just have to go with Tom Savage here. His ability to make basic NFL throws will have us wondering what in the living kitten of the world took so damn long to get him in there, even if he's just average.

Defense - Whitney Mercilus returns and takes advantage of the attention Clowney gets from the Cincy offense to the tune of two sacks.


Offense - Tom Savage: Someone has to stop the All Field Goal Offense from taking every bit of the scoring glory this season.

Defense - A.J. Bouye: He likes catching and Dalton likes throwing.


Offense - Tom Savage: He's going to be perfectly adequate. Perhaps even better than that. With Bill O'Brien leaning on the running game to ensure Savage doesn't have to do too much, I say Savage throws for his first two NFL touchdowns tomorrow night, marking just the sixth time this season a Houston QB has had a two TD outing.

Defense - Jadeveon Clowney: The switch has been flipped. As a fellow Katian, I shudder for Andy Dalton.


Offense - Tom Savage: Not necessarily because he's the savior of the offense, because that would be ridiculous. But he COULD be, and that's what I'll be interested to see out of him playing an actual football team instead of whatever the hell the Jags are.

Defense - As a kind of Freudian slip, I almost spelled "defense" as "devense" because I'm picking Jadeveon Clowney. Kind of the same reason as above. He's finally building his name as a defender, but I want to see him against something resembling a football team.