Rise for the Hymn of Houston Texans:
Playoffs, comrades! Playoffs! Our mighty Houston Texans, pride of Mother Houston and envy of known football world, have seized rightful place as winners of AFC South division, only division in football worth playing! This glorious achievement, achievement greater than most other teams’ appearances in Super Bowl, was brought about after easy, no-doubt 12-10 victory over the hapless Bengals of Cincinnati and spaghetti sauce they call chili.
It would be easy to think that people’s football team of Texas could coast rest of season, resting on laurels and humbly flaunting, like delicious drunken peacocks, much-deserved triumph over the lesser teams in division. Easy to think that next game does not matter. This is mistake. That kind of thinking is common among inferior teams of league. Is kind of thinking that is endemic within Tennessee Titans, crab lice of NFL, traitors to Mother Houston and enemies of great state of Texas!
Is imperative for all decent Texans fans to relish in misery of all Traitors, and doubly so for those from Tennessee. The fans and players of Tennessee Titans must experience only constant sorrow and everlasting football pain. Is their destiny to fall into such dysfunction and malaise that even Cleveland Browns fans feel pity for them. Let them feel pity, for we shall not! We cannot. That starts with coming game on Sunday. Sunday represents opportunity for the lowly Traitors to obtain something they have not had in very long time: winning record to end season. Is bad enough that people of Nashville, a city built upon garbage heap and smoldering with meth fumes, are encouraged about team’s progress with idiotic “exotic smashmouth” nonsense. But to allow glimmer of anything better than mediocrity is more than Traitors deserve!
Traitors and their fans are encouraged to point of delusion. Highly objective sources within Ministry of Information have learned that fans of Traitors still believe that playoff run this season is an outside possibility with a highly unlikely win against vastly superior team: our glorious Texans. Why? Because in recent days, these bourgeois fans and enablers of treason have received playoff tickets in mail. We can only assume this is cruel joke by vile franchise that has shown in past that it enjoys making fans suffer.
That Traitors thought they stood chance of prying AFC South, only division in all of football that matters, away from Texans is ludicrous enough. That they and their fans are delusional enough to send out tickets for imaginary playoff game because they and their fans still think they have chance at playoffs is preposterous.
Despite wishes of certain disloyal elements within the Texans’ footballburo, elements which will undoubtedly be shown error of ways by BRB Ministry of Loyalty, AFC South has been decided in favor of glorious Houston Texans, and vile Traitors are determined to get that winning record at all costs.
That will be difficult after Traitors who, in addition to being deluded enough to think they actually stood chance against people’s national football team of Texas for division title, also employ coward at quarterback. Marcus Mariota, having had enough of being smacked around by Jadeveon Clowney and Whitney Mercilus in first meeting, took coward’s way out of playing against Texans on Sunday: by feigning broken fibula against Hairballs last week. To Mariota’s only credit, it was most convincing performance he’s had as a professional football player.
They brought out cart for him. They put authentically licensed NFL air cast to put on his “broken” leg. There was no look of pain on his face as he was carted off with fake injury. All of it is just extravagant lie by fraud who does not dare tempt wrath of defense, strength of the people of Mother Houston! Cowardice seems to run rampant in quarterbacks who play for loathsome Traitors. Jake Locker, after seeing the face of his own destruction in J.J. Watt, retired from NFL completely in just few scant years. He claims he lost all interest in football, but all good, loyal fans of Mother Houston know real reason. Vince Young did one better by feigning a total nervous breakdown, mostly due to overwhelming pressure of deluded fanbase’s demand that he be anything more than mediocre.
You will never see any quarterback for football pride of Texas attempt such cowardly acts. Even at absolute worst, which only occurred due to nefarious outside agitators, Texan exile Brian Hoyer never tried to get out of playing his heart out for football-loving fans and players of the Houston Texans. It is considered highest honor in football to be Texans’ quarterback, and no coward like Mariota or Derek Carr or Jake Locker would ever be considered as worthy as season-long starting quarterback Tom Savage is.
Instead of sniveling weakling Mariota, our glorious Texans will face perpetual failure Matt Cassel and wipe him off the face of football-loving world. But that is not limit of the lowly Traitors’ efforts to win game for sake of own perverted sense of pride. In what amounts to little more than shuffling burning garbage around on sinking barge in the middle of island of garbage, pathetic Traitors have called up some no-account player calling himself Antwaun Woods, nose tackle from Southern Cal, from practice squad. Ministry of Information has no idea why they are making this move, nor do they know what an Antwaun Woods is. Therefore is unknowable. In addition to this, they also added two players to practice squad, one of whom is a former Texan who betrayed Mother Houston for sake of paycheck, Kourtnei Brown. Ministry officials claim only reason Brown is on practice squad is to spill secrets, possibly under threat of torture by vile spawn of wretched Bud Adams, about secret Texans plans for victory.
This is how desperate Traitors are for a win, comrades. Is our duty, as fans of greatest football team in league, to deprive them of precious victory. It will require little effort by glorious Texans to accomplish this, but we must not be complacent! We will not allow these swine to succeed!
Reconnaissance from Last Week:
Foul Traitors embarrassed themselves, as is their nature, against two-win Jacksonville Hairballs team. Their implosion was large, visible, and above all, incredibly satisfying to watch, both in terms of watching game, and watching fan reaction to their slow descent into oblivion. Their inept defense allowed Blake Bortles, man who has thrown not one but two bounce pass interceptions, to toss three touchdowns and rack up over 300 yards passing. Hairballs cruised to victory (rare statement if ever there were one) against Traitors, 38-17.
This will not be game for concern. Traitors are weak, they know they belong in bowels of division, and they cannot hope to defeat our glorious Texans!