Hair of the Dog (Packers/Texans): Hot Dog + Cheese =/= Cheddarworst

Yesterday was my 35th birthday. As a result, I had the entirety of Sunday to do whatever I wanted. Go to a movie at 11 a.m.? Sure! Eat sushi until I throw up from open to close? Why not? Play a couple of rounds of golf at the course that goes through my neighborhood? It wouldn’t happen because I don’t play, but the possibility was there. Play with my birthday presents (a Steam Link which allows me to play computer games on my television and a Steam controller) and hide out in the house all day? Nobody would’ve stopped me.

I could’ve done ANY of those things. Instead, I went to my local watering hole and watched the Texans play football in the snow against the Packers. Such is my dedication to this blog and to all y’all; to put together a quality post for your amusement today.

Notice how I’m doing everything I can to avoid talking about the actual game. Instead, I’ll leave that to the fine folks of the masthead; although they kinda didn’t want to talk about the game either. You’ll see what I mean.

As always, all swear words have been replaced with “kitten” to make this post, more or less, safe for work.

We now join the BRB masthead, already in progress.

/harp glissando

Pre-Game Thoughts:

Capt Ron

"I see a red door and I want it painted black."

First Quarter:

BFD

Brock Osweiler now apparently thinks he's a scrambling QB? That should be...interesting.

UT

Two QB runs by Osweiler. The hell is this?

(to BFD) I thought he was trying to commit suicide or something.

Weston

Osweiler doesn't wear a glove. Is wearing a glove.

(Griffin fumbles; Packers recover)

Capt Ron

"Hell is empty and all the devils are here..."

BFD

Well, at least it wasn't an interception. Yet.

UT

Hello third and long, my old friend. I've come to talk with you again.

Luke

NO! NOT JIM NANCE AND PHIL SIMMS!

Capt Ron

Miller is on his way to the locker room? The Texans turned over the ball in their first offensive series with a fumble by Griffin on third and long? Osweiler is leading the team in rushing yards? Mercilus gets a fumble recovery near the goal line?

"Have you ever questioned the nature of your reality?" \W/

Yes. Yes I have. Most often it is while watching the Houston Texans.

Diehard Chris

Is there a bigger lock for a 3 & out in the history this team than what's coming up after that botched snap by the Packers?

UT

(to BFD) Being in a cult will do that to a guy.

Weston

Alfred Blue running the ball 25 times is what purgatory is.

BFD

Jay Prosch is still really freaking terrible.

Weston

Phil Simms has CTE.

UT

Does he really or is he just an idiot?

(Osweiler runs for a first down)

BFD

Osweiler = Michael Vick.

Luke

Well apparently he likes a QB who leads with his arm.

I have literally no clue what that means.

Vega

I love Brock Osweiler running. It's really kind of a best case scenario for this offense.

Capt Ron

I want to see what the line is on prop bets like Osweiler having more rushing yards than passing yards in the frozen tundra.

Second Quarter:

(Texans go for it on 4th and 1 and fail to convert)

Luke

I'm never going to complain about going for it on 4th and 1.

I will complain about Alfred Blue getting the ball, though.

BFD

I simply don't know WTK Sua Filo thought he was doing on 4th and 1. Let a guy penetrate to make the play while helping Mancz when he didn't need it. So very, very stupid.

UT

Me: And of course they don't get it.

Mrs. UT: Why would they go for it at midfield?

Me: (drinks shot of straight gin) I don't know.

Capt Ron

4th and 1? Instead of using Miller out in space, let's smash a box of crayons into the snow by hammering Blue into a yellow and green wall.

BFD

I definitely like the going for it. I hate the play call, and I hate the personnel, and I hate everything about this kitteny offense of stupid.

Vega

In fairness, I wouldn't be surprised if Miller was unavailable for that play.

BFD

The Packers and Texans are trying to out scrub each other on third down.

UT

Did something happen to Braxton Miller too?

Luke

Not that i'm seeing. Why?

UT

No reason, just when Ron said Miller in open space on fourth and 1, I assumed he meant Braxton, not Lamar.

Vega

Ah, right. Sorry, my attention is limited. I'm having an indoor snowball fight with my 6-year old daughter with a toy snowball. It's likely to be the sports highlight of my day. #wifeisout

Luke (in one of many uncharitable thoughts about Phil Simms)

Perfect form, my bollocks. He charged head first and didn't even wrap.

UT

(to Vega) Based on that last drive, you might be right.

(Packers strike first, lead 7-0)

Weston

This game is probably already over.

BFD

So, that's what it's like to have a fo' really realz QB.

(to Luke) I agree.

Luke

(to Weston) Almost definately Matt.

Capt Ron

That probably puts this game out of reach for this KITTEN offense. I don't see how they can get 7 points with less than three quarters to work with.

UT

There is a gaggle of Broncos fans and they are chanting like they are at the game.

It would be wrong to pump delicious mustard gas into that area of BWW, right?

Capt Ron

Miller up the middle for no gain? Can someone please tear those KITTEN radios away from O'Brien and Godsey and smash them into pieces? These guys actually get paid to do this for a living?

Weston

That was all on the back. Miller looks inside out and missed the blitzing LB.

If you are watching a game and Simms says something the truth is just the opposite.

Vega

I remember when the Astros were in the midst of their losing seasons, whenever the opposing team would get one or two runs on the board, I would think that the game is pretty much out of reach. This feels about the same.

Luke

Just run the ball so the clock never stops and this game ends quicker.

BFD

Back in the day, the Oilers' offense used to be: "Earl to the left, Earl to the right, Earl up the middle, punt."

These days, it's: "Miller up the middle, mistake by Brock, draw or screen, punt."

(On Will Smith’s terrible-looking upcoming movie)

Luke

''LIFE IS ABOUT PEOPLE''

OH, THAT'S SO AMBIGOUS AND MEANINGFUL!

UT

I hate to say it but if these are the movies he's choosing, Will Smith needs to stop making movies.

Luke

Like that might be a good role and he might be good in it, but the advertising companies which put together those trailers make me so angry. Just about as angry as watching this offense.

Weston

Will Smith sucks.

BFD

This really smells like pick six time.

Our playcalling is so completely kittening terrible.

UT

Braxton Miller hurt. We are now out of healthy Millers.

Luke

Crap, now somethings happened to Braxton.

Vega

What's worse: that Will Smith movie, or the Texans offense?

UT

(to Vega) Yes.

Vega

Crap. This looks bad.

Luke

Texans’ offense. Will Smith's movies never had the promise the Texans offense had.

UT

This screams collarbone injury.

Luke

That or shoulder. Regardless It doesn't look like he'll be be running the wildcat any time soon.

UT

Oh, we'll run the wildcat, but for some reason O’Brien will put Vince Wilfork in under center because BOB, Super Genius, knows they won't see THAT coming.

Luke

Speaking of Vince, that last pass rush was hilarious.

Capt Ron

Houston's defense is still getting it done. They may have to find a way to score for the Texans, because the clutch of sadness on the other side of the roster isn't likely to do it.

Weston

That play was the dumbest thing ever.

Bill O'Brien is Jeff Fisher and Brock Osweiler is Nick Foles and the world is an ugly plane and I'm still afraid to die.

(Osweiler runs the wrong direction in the process of getting sacked)

BFD

Brock went full Keenum there.

UT

(to Weston) Incorrect, that sack was the dumbest play ever.

Halftime Thoughts:

Capt Ron

The U.S.S Osweiler slips beneath a wave of green and yellow to extinguish all hope for the Texans in the first half of the game.

UT

I gotta tell you, seeing Clay Matthews and Aaron Rodgers on commercials during the half is not helping matters here.

Vega

This game kittening sucks.

BFD

"Kitten me. I mean, say what you want about the tenets of the 2013 Texans, Dude, at least it's an ethos."

That's about how I think of the 2016 Houston Texans. That 2013 team may have been bad, but it found new and exciting ways to be bad.

The 2016 Texans are miserable, completely lacking playmakers on both sides of the ball. Heck, Brock can't even throw me a pick six to keep me amused. Offensively, we've scored 16 TDs in 11 games. Defensively, we neither get to the QB nor create turnovers (though at least we're good).

This team is like watching on old poodle dry-hump the coffee table, but its legs are too weak and it just kinda collapses on itself. That's your 2016 Houston Texans.

Luke

(to UT) The only thing I hate more than this game is the in between bits when the game isn't on and i'm subjected to the horrible ads for NFL shop and CBS shows.

BFD

I really despise commercials where people get cars for Christmas. Please to be biting me.

UT

(to BFD) You’ve seen a poodle do that before, haven’t you?

(to Luke) But how would anybody ever catch "Man With A Soon-To-Be-Cancelled Sitcom" or "Kevin Can Stop Now?"

BFD

(to UT) I'm just visualizing Tim.

Third Quarter:

Luke

I can just see Jim Nantz struggling to repress those murderous urges.

UT

(to BFD) Those really are the worst ads, especially that one where the parents wake the kids up and it's supposed to be cute as kitten because of role reversal and it's just grating.

Capt Ron

ONE play in the opponent's territory for the Texans in the first half. That's an old poodle dry-humping a snow ball.

UT

Hey they sacked Rodgers! That's novel!

Capt Ron

Mercilus with the sack on Rodgers!

Luke

Merc's been doing well against Bahktari the entire game.

UT

Oh look, it's our one good offensive drive of the game!

Weston

Well look what we got here. The first of two good drives HOU gets every game. They have to score a TD here.

Vega

Once again, Hopkins' first catch comes in the second half.

Luke

I'll give Brock some credit. He's shown some nice control and feel inside the pocket, shame that doesn't extend to things he does outside the pocket.

UT

All those expecting this drive to end in a field goal, raise your hands.

Luke

Why would he throw it behind CJF on that pass Phil? Behind him was the DB. The only way that get's completed is if it's throw ahead of the DB.

(The offense does the unthinkable and ties the game 7-7)

Capt Ron

Texans offense over the last 15 drives:

0 touchdowns, 2 field goals, 5 give-aways.

Result of this drive? Touchdown!!

BFD

It's an offensive kittenplosion.

Vega

Well. Didn't see that coming.

Weston

They actually did something smart.

UT

STOCK FOOTAGE OF CHEESE!

Weston

(to UT) You need to write an article that ranks the stock footage for every home team.

Seattle fish catch is #1 for me.

UT

It's pretty great, except I see it all the time during Seahawks games so I'm a little more blase about it than most.

BFD

Seattle - Fish market

Green Bay - Cheese making

Houston - Boot store

Dallas - Players doing coke off dead prostitutes

Luke

Kansas City- Klan Meeting.

UT

(to Luke) No, I'm pretty sure that's Atlanta or Nashville.

BFD

D.J. Reader is playing a very solid game. Stupid play calling, again, but very nice play.

Diehard Chris

Already mad about this defensive effort being wasted. This is like a Richard Smith Shadow Era.

Capt Ron

That was a great stop by the defense.

Weston

Reader is a starting 3-4 DE.

Both these teams don't understand they can't run the ball.

Capt Ron

Miller up the middle on first down. Who saw that coming?

Luke

Aye watching Reader has been pretty fun. He's had some nice hand battles with the Packers C.

Diehard Chris

Buffalo - fat, drunk orgy in the parking lot

Cleveland - homeless people around the trash fire

UT

And then Miller up nowhere for a TFL.

BFD

Jeff Allen blows a block (again), but the Grimer manages to pick up the first on 3rd and 12. Crazy.

Diehard Chris

Grimes keeps destroying O'Brien's field position strategy

Luke

Why the offense acting like it's got the lead and it's just trying to kill the clock?

UT

Because to them, they DO have the lead. We don't dare blow the tie we've managed to get.

BFD

The Old Poodle strikes again.

Luke

ARM PUNT!

Capt Ron

Brock throws behind Hopkins for another incomplete to the best receiver. Followed by an overthrown pass to one of the vendors behind the endzone.

His lack of accuracy is becoming legendary.

UT

And then they punt at the Packers' 40. Wow that's wimpy.

Luke

As terrible as that throw was Hopkins still should have caught it. It was right in his breadbasket.

Vega

(to Luke) Agree. An accurate pass may have been a TD, but that should have at least been a first down.

UT

And now JJo is hurt. Again. Swell.

Luke

Dammit, not JJo

Vega

I was about to say that my biggest concern now is how much the defense has been on the field, but it turns out the Texans are leading time of possession by a large margin. How about that.

Weston

I love this secondary.

I'm on the A.J. Bouye is really good train.

UT

I hesitate (not really) to mention that you said you liked Brock Osweiler early in the season and that he was a good QB.

Luke

Most of us did. Unlike Brock though Bouye has steadily improved over 3 seasons and has had an entire seasons worth of really good play.

Fourth Quarter:

(Packers score on a lucky TD pass, going up 14-7)

UT

And that's game, blouses.

Vega

I blame Brock for that 98-yard drive.

BFD

That's not even poor play: that's just bad luck. Kittenit.

Capt Ron

Someone left Jordy Nelson wide open in the end zone. That's, um, a bad idea. Also, no pressure on Rodgers as they only rush three? Not a good plan.

BFD

We rushed four: Mercilus, Kamula, Wilfork, and Covington.

*Kamalu.

UT

Kamula, Kamala, Kamalu, Fuamatu-Ma'afala, none of them got to Rodgers.

Capt Ron

Wow! XSF and Fuller with some key blocks to spring Blue for a good run.

Vega

Alfred Blue to the rescue!!

Luke

#StartBlue

(after next play) I rescind my previous statement.

UT

Oh sure the most accurate pass he throws is to a receiver several yards behind the line of scrimmage.

BFD

CJF dropped that pass on 3rd down. Not a well placed ball (shocked face), but he should've had it. Would've been short either way.

Weston

(to UT) I don't think I said he was good. I'm pretty sure I said I think I like Brock Osweiler back when teams were playing single high safeties and he was throwing deep to Fuller V.

(Packers get another TD, pulling defenders into the end zone. Packers lead 21-7)

UT

And that'll put the game completely out of reach.

Capt Ron

21-7? Same old story: Offense can't put up points; defense keeps it close until the last 5-8 minutes of the game when exhaustion sets in and the other team pulls away.

BFD

Ripkowski should charge Covington for skiing lessons on his TD run. WHEE!!!!!

This poor defense. They deserve so much better.

(TV shows ad with Clay Matthews slithering beneath Texans players)

UT

NOT KITTENING HELPING, VERIZON!

Vega

I suspect the post game interview will paraphrase Black Sheep.

Reporter: Do you know how many points you've scored?

O'Brien: Well, I got a strong armed quarterback and some fast receivers. I can put up 50, but never do unless I'm trying to show off to a cute cheerleader in a Ferrari. HAHAHAHAHAHA! I guess we're putting up 35... tops.

Reporter: Seven. Seven points.

Capt Ron

That was funny to see Covington being hauled through the snow like a sled pulled by a Percheron.

BFD

Dear television network,

The song "House of Pain" was used by the Oilers in the 90s. Green Bay doesn't use it. Please keep your kitten straight.

XOXOXOXOX,

bfMFd

Vega

I think it was after the Jaguars game where I said that I could easily see this team finish 1-6 with the only win against the Jags. There's a chance that the D pulls one out at Indy, but I pretty much stand by that comment.

UT

I wouldn't mind seeing Wilfork ride one of the Packers' RBs like he was a tauntaun.

Luke

(to BFD) Fun Fact: House of Pain is Ireland's unofficial National Anthem.

BFD

Griffin got away with the OPI on the TD, but not there. Funny.

(Texans score on a pass to Nuk...)

Capt Ron

Nice play by Hopkins for a touchdown!

Why are these plays not called in non-garbage time?

Luke

I hate it when they do things like this just as I'm writing the Post Game Recap.

UT

And there's our garbage time TD. It's like they're working off a script or something.

Weston

Houston is destined to lose this one by one possession.

(...and Novak misses the extra point in hilarious fashion. Packers lead 21-13)

Capt Ron

Extra point effort? Novak misses to ensure the same score as last week to lose 21-13.

BFD

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL @ Novak.

(On the last play of the game)

Vega

I'm really looking forward to seeing Brock throw a hail mary again while all his receivers are at the 20.

BFD

KITTENIT!!!! I was hoping Brock would run into a safety on that play. SO CLOSE!

Capt Ron

Snow angels for everyone! Welcome to 6-6 on the road to Indy.

Luke

Oh boy that was just what I needed. Thank you Texans offense. You finally became entertaining again.

UT

(to BFD) I was counting on it. I was so counting on that happening.

Weston

Hahaha

Man next Sunday is going to be hellacious

Hey, let’s give out some game balls!

Offense: I guess I’ll give this one to Nuk since he had an okay day even though he didn’t make a catch until the second half and his TD came in garbage time.

Defense: Let’s go with D.J. Reader, because I said so. These are my rules. I make them up.