Please rise for People’s Hymn of the Houston Texans!
Comrades! Shining beacon to the rest of NFL, our glorious Houston Texans, have returned from vast wasteland of Green Bay after yet another valiant struggle for people of Mother Houston!
There have been reports lately that our sanguine leader of football loving players of Houston Texans, Supreme Leader O’Brien, had carried out purges against loathsome subversives on team’s roster for purported failings of team against the befuddled Packers. The Ministry would like to inform you, honest, loyal fans of commentariat, that this is bald-faced fabrication cruelly intended to lead even most faithful of fans astray. We can say without shadow of doubt that every player on roster from Hero of Texans Defense J.J. Watt to cornerback Al-Hajj Shabazz will return to loving arms of Mother Houston in time for Texans’ next opponent: the prancing baby horses of Indianapolis.
Awe-inspiring Leader, whose chin will serve as inspiration for thousands of sculptures, had tough words for Texans, indicating that defense had let down team, the city, its proud, industrious people, and bats that dwell beneath Waugh Bridge at Tinsley Park.
“The bats seemed especially unhappy with [UNPERSON]’s performance on Sunday,” added O’Brien, whose cold, iron stare strikes fear in the heart of all those disloyal to the cause of our dear homeland. “The defense can’t keep giving up points in the fourth quarter as they have so far.”
Our great leader is not truly unhappy with the defense’s performance. He merely thinks that defense should exhibit same level of excellence as Texans’ powerhouse offense has shown in last few weeks. Ultimately, his goal is to make sure that everyone, offense and defense, is equal on team; except for special teams, which nobody cares about. Such is genius of Supreme Leader O’Brien that it is absurd to question his methods. 10,000 year contract extension to Supreme Leader O’Brien!
But enough about glorious Texans. It is time to focus on baby horses from Illinois’ little brother with developmental disorder. The name of game this week is revenge. Pitiful baby horses are still sore from thorough wire-to-wire victory by the Texans and indomitable football will of people of Houston, as evidenced by bulletin board material used in baby horses’ locker room:
“The [baby horses] are nothing! The Texans will stomp the [baby horses]’ mediocrity into the ground! Chuck Pagano is a poopy-pants who could sell ad space on his forehead. Ryan Grigson is a slab of ham in ill-fitting suit!”
It is worth noting that these comments were written in orange crayon with roughly 37% of the letters written backwards. Crayons found in Pagano’s office, which only makes the Ministry sad; sad because of the lengths baby horses must go to get interested in football.
Why else would laughable baby horses invest so little in their transportation to take them to football games against other inferior teams? Instead of taking proper airplane to Jets game, they insist on using flying deathtrap of doom to fly baby horses to picturesque swampland in New Jersey. If they cared about football at all, they would invest money in proper airplane. You will never see Great Commissar McNair skimp on such things. To every game, McNair enlists comrades in aerospace to build custom 747 to fly everywhere and augments it with squadron of fighter jets to ensure glorious Texans arrive safely at destination. Why spend so little money on travel?
Reports from Ministry sources indicate that money was funneled to D’Qwell Jackson to pay for performance enhancing drugs. When asked why he started taking drugs and risking suspension, Jackson said:
“I didn’t feel up to playing against the Texans at my current skill level. Those are some bad mother[CENSORED], man. Going up against Lamar Miller? That’s a tall order.”
It certainly is. Miller, who currently leads NFL in rushing yards, completions, and has most passing yardage among running backs, would ordinarily view a rush against baby horses linebackers as little more than a walk through field of exceptionally weak-willed tulips. Even at full strength, baby horses would likely only hold him to 250-300 yards rushing (or his weekly average total). Without Jackson, there is no hope for baby horses to stop hammer of glorious Texans offense.
While baby horses will lose Jackson for a period of time, they could be getting back an old nemesis to the people’s football team. There is a chance that enemy of fans and players of Houston Robert Mathis could start this week. Ministry of Information remains skeptical about this news. After all, Mathis has been working with baby horses’ training and medical staff to rehab his injury. According to Mathis, he’s been “working his butt off rehabbing.”
This is just more proof that baby horses are indifferent to football. Why would their medical staff have Mathis, one of their best players, though still far worse than any Texans player, working butt off during rehab when injury he received was to bicep? What kind of trainer/medical staff can’t tell player’s posterior from upper arm? Only a training staff whose budget has been cut so deeply that only doctors team can afford are kind that will provide prescriptions upon request to highest levels of team management. Football should be highest priority for baby horses, not the kicks of Keith Richards wannabe Jim Irsay.
Of course, even if high horse Irsay didn’t cheap out on all aspects of team, it would not help baby horses that they’re coached by hapless buffoon Chuck Pagano.
Pagano is not buffoon simply because he lacks the natural coaching genius of Supreme Leader O’Brien, though that does not help him. What leads him astray is his extremely misguided belief that baby horses will overtake irrepressible Houston Texans and make the playoffs. His reasoning? Pagano believes that baby horses’ rush offense and run defense will spell victory for his ultimately condemned team.
His highly spurious reasoning involves notion that when baby horses run the ball more times than opponent, they win approximately 80% of the time. This is textbook fool’s logic. When our great leader, Bill O’Brien, long may he reign, has a lead, which is pretty commonplace, the one thing he will do is run ball. A lot. Repeatedly. Until game is over. He doesn’t run ball more times because it will win game. He runs because glorious Texans are winning and he wants clock to run out.
It is disheartening to see that coach of the baby horses has less coaching knowledge than most members of Texans commentariat. Children of Texans revolution have been taught since age one to reject such ill logic. In fact, children learn to be toilet trained, break down opposing teams’ defenses, and how to calculate DVOA simultaneously!
Fans oppressed by inferior teams such as baby horses would be better served to teach such valuable skills to their young, so they can someday grow to be as intelligent, well-rounded, and slightly sticky as morally and intellectually superior Texans fans!
Reconnaissance from Last Week
While the score would indicate the baby horses had a dominant win over New York 41-10, there is some question as to why team as laughably bad as baby horses was able to come away with such a lopsided win, however undeserved win might have been.
Responsible, objective Ministry of Information reporters spoke with Jets coach Todd Bowles about the loss.
“We just weren’t interested. Who could possibly care about the Indianapolis [baby horses]? I sure don’t. They were barely worth coming onto the field to play against. I mean I tried to get the team into the game but they were just so lethargic. Every one of them was whining that they wanted to play against a real team; a team they respect. They wanted to play the Texans. Sadly that wasn’t in the cards, so we went out there and did what we were contractually obligated to do: show up.”
With that lack of enthusiasm, it’s no wonder baby horses won. They won by default. They will not receive such kind treatment from football loving fans and players of Houston!
Important News For Texans Commentariat and Leaders of Footballburo:
Battle Red Blog’s Minister of Information is now broadcasting only truth you’ll ever need on Twitter! For more news from a trustworthy, objective source, follow @BRBInfoMinistry. It is your patriotic duty as proud Texans fan to do so!