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Battle Red Blog Glossary, Edition The Fourth -- A Psychedelic Journey Through Time And Zima

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It's been a couple of years, but now witness the majesty of this fully armed and operational battle station brand spankin' new glossary.

Bill O'Brien is not amused by several definitions used in this glossary.
Bill O'Brien is not amused by several definitions used in this glossary.
Trevor Ruszkowski-USA TODAY Sports

First of all, thank you to everyone who helped contribute to this endeavor for their assistance in coming up with the terms and definitions we've come to adopt over the last couple of years for no really good reason other than we can.

Again, I'd like to give props to MDC and bigfatdrunk for coming up with the original terms found in this glossary, many of which are no longer used but are retained for posterity (no, bfd, not posterior), and to tehGrindCrusher for assembling the original list.  Also, a brief nod of the head to the extinct Texans blog "Da Good, Da Bad and DeMeco", where many of these terms originated.

I should also stress that this is by no means a complete list of terms.  While I'm sure most of the BRB vernacular can be found here, there are words that are likely still buried in the annals of the blog.  And while I'd love to comb through the blog for them, I am lazy and do not feel like doing so.  However, if you think there's a term that should be on here that isn't, please let us know in the comments and we'll update the glossary as soon as sandwichly possible.

With no further ado, here's the official (updated) Battle Red Blog Glossary:

#

#JoeMarGameBall (n.) - Sarcastic way of saying someone is playing terribly.  Originated from a game where special teams played well, resulting in former coach Kubiak giving a game ball to former special teams coach Joe Marciano; roughly equivalent to a blind pig finding an acorn.

#NTLust (n.) - A deep, yearning, unfulfilled desire for a massive, space-eating nose tackle.

80 for 80 (n.) - One of the greatest days in Texans history.  The drive led by T.J. Yates against the Cincinnati Bengals in 2011 which resulted in a Texans win, and their first ever playoff berth.

A

Alex Smith's Fluffer (n.) - Former Texans pretty boy QB David Carr.

AllenOU'd (v.) - To double post accidentally.  (Shortened version:  AOU'd)

AllenOU'd (v.) - To double post accidentally.  (Shortened version:  AOU'd)

Apostrophe (n.) - Former Texans WR Andre' Davis.

Assmass (n.) - How big a player's ass is, as measured in pounds or kilograms.

B

Baddest Person Who Ever Lived, The (n.) - Andre Johnson (I dare anyone to prove this wrong).

Bamboozle (v.) - To deceive by underhanded means, to convince front office personnel that you are healthy and able to contribute despite knowing full well this is untrue.

BANNED! (adj.) - Threatening to ban somebody from the blog for no reason.  Generally used by people without power to do so.

Ballhawk Gamecock (n.) - The player formerly known as Fred Bennett.

Barbaro (n.) - Charles Spencer, former LT of the Texans who got injured in a freak accident and never fully recovered.

Basement, The (n.) - Where erstwhile Colts squatters reside and pay homage rent to BRB staff for our kindness; not as prevalent as they once were.

Battle of Fleener Hill, The (n.) - A long and bitter civil war between Battle Red Blog readers about whether the Texans should take current Saints tight end Coby Fleener or fringe Panthers wideout Stephen Hill.  The pick was used to take Whitney Mercilus instead.

Battle Red Carpet Defense (n.) - Alleged scheme of former Texans' defensive coordinator Frank Bush.  Prevented no opposing team from scoring at will against the Texans.

Battlefighting (v.) - To try really, really hard to compete, despite the complete lack of results from said efforts.  Favored word of former Texans coach Gary Kubiak.

Battlin' (v.) - Shortened version of "battlefighting."

Beelzebud (n.) - Kenneth Stanley "Bud" Adams, late owner of the BE-SFs, still supreme ruler of Hell.

Beercan (n.) - Former Texans K Randy Bullock.

BE-SFs (n.) - Baby-Eating Sister-F***ers, also known as the Tennessee Titans. To find out why, click here.

Bitchephant (n.) - Kama's "wheels," though nobody can explain to me what this means.

Bleach (n.) - The drink of preference for watching the Texans play, usually on defense.  Mixes well with paint thinner.

BOB (n.) - Current Houston Texans head coach Bill O'Brien. See also: Buttchin

Bone Crusher (n.) - Former Texans SS Bernard Pollard.

Bud Adams' Army of Darkness (n.) - The Tennessee Titans.

Buttchin (n.) - Current Houston Texans head coach Bill O'Brien.  See also: BOB.

C

Captain, The (n.) - Former Texans ILB DeMeco Ryans.

Caveman (n.) - Former Texans RT Eric Winston.

Clorox (n.) - The official bleach of Battle Red Blog, mostly for its smooth finish and lemony aftertaste.

Cokeboys (n.) - Football team from Arlington, Southern Oklahoma, constant pretenders to the throne.

Comicle, The (n.) - A Houston newspaper whose coverage of sports often appears to be written by bored chimpanzees.

Cost-Effective (adj.) - Coachspeak for a crappy player who barely justifies his draft position.  ExampleZac Diles.

Cowgirls (n.) - See also: Cokeboys.

Coors Light (n.) - Tim's beverage of choice, though nobody understands why. Badmouthing it will result in being BANNED!

D

Dallas (n.) - City (term used loosely) without a football team; closest city to it with a NFL team is Arlington.

Dead Horse (n.) - The only proper response to any joke made about the Texans having a lot of tight ends.

DeJesus (n.) - Former Texans ILB DeMeco Ryans.  See also: Captain.

Detente (n.) - A period of several years of bitter hostilities between fans of the Texans and Colts blogs, brought on as a result of the former manager of the Colts blog.  Was lifted once the Colts' blog manager resigned.

Dierdorf'd (v.) - Pretending to be knowledgeable while being so lazy, ignorant and verbose that you reveal your shallowness in excruciating detail.

Disruptacon (n.) - Former Texans DE Antonio Smith.  See also:  Ninja.

Droptimus Prime (n.) - Former Texans WR Nate Washington, who, in times when he realized the ball was actually being thrown to him, was unable to hold onto aforementioned ball for a catch.

Durga (n.) - A Hindu goddess to whom Texans fans pray for victory, though she usually ignores them.

E

Elephant, The (n.) - Large pachyderm that inspired fear and awe in primitive humans.  Also former Texans DE Mario Williams.

Elite As F**k (adj.) - Statement uttered when an overrated quarterback throws a poorly thought-out interception.  Usually in reference to Ravens quarterback Joe Flacco.

EMFM (n.) - Former Texans NT Earl Mitchell.  Short for "Earl Mother-(expletive) Mitchell."  Rarely used in positive light.

End Around (n.) - The exact same play as a reverse.*

Evil Genius (n.) - Former Texans DT Frank Okam.

EWWW (n.) - Former Texans FS Eugene Wilson, currently fighting fellow homeless person, Ed Reed for the last scrap of untainted meat in a tent village in Paramus, New Jersey.

F

Falconry (n.) - A big-time sport for big-time athletes.

Fat Kicker (n.) - Former Texans K Randy Bullock.  See also:  Beercan.

Fitzmagic (n.) - Former Texans QB Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Five-Head (n.) - Retired QB Peyton Manning, possessor of an oversized forehead.  Possibly the cause of Manning's neck injury.

Footie, The (n.) - Buffalo Bills head coach Rex Ryan.

Frenchy (n.) - Former Texans CB Jacques Reeves.

F***ass (n.) - Former (praise be to Durga) Texans cornerback, and all-around incompetent human being, Brice McCain.

F***stomp (v.) - To embarrass or destroy opposing team. Loss usually results with double facepalm.  Many bandwagoners of affected team either jump ship before sinking or denying their team support three times before the rooster crows. Example: The Indianapolis Colts got f***stomped by the Houston Texans, 34-24.

G

Glacier (n.) - Former Texans RB Derrick Ward.

G.O.A.T. (n.) - Short for "Greatest of All Time."  See also:  Baddest Person Who Ever Lived.

Going Down to Field Level (exp.) - The surefire solution to all of life's problems, defense-related or otherwise.

Gozer (n.) - Sumerian deity to whom Texans fans pray for bad luck to fall upon other teams; patron deity of haters.

H

Hackenb**** (n.) - To want Texans coach Bill O'Brien to draft former Penn State quarterback (and O'Brien disciple) Christian Hackenberg; often a symptom brought on by QB Fever.

Happy Socks (n.) - Fan-favorite cornerback Charles James II, named for the colorful, eccentric socks he wears.

Heh (int.) - An expression of mild amusement.

High Motors (n.) - What the defense's players supposedly have; also the next generation of dead horse jokes.

HOL (int.) - Short form of "heh out loud."  An expression of greater amusement than heh.

Hologram (n.) - Texans RT Derek Newton, named such for his ability to look solid yet let pass rushers through in the blink of an eye.  Only offensive lineman in recent Texans history to simultaneously receive a holding penalty and give up a sack.  See also: Swinging Gate.

Horse Vomit (n.) - The secret ingredient in Coors Light.

Hoyer (v.) - To fail despite making every honest attempt to be successful.  Named after (soon to be) former Texans quarterback Brian Hoyer.

Hoyerible (adj.) - A level of incompetence rarely seen in the entire span of the human condition; characterized by long stretches of mind-boggling ineptitude, critical lapses in judgment, and tragicomic failures.

Hugene (n.) - Former Houston Oilers linebacker Eugene Seale.

Huggy'd (v.) - The art and/or science of bashing discussions with funny yet extreme commenting.

Human Coke Machine, The (n.) - Former Texans FB Vonta Leach.

I

Innegan (n.) - Panthers CB formerly known as Cortland Finnegan, who had the 'F' beaten out of him by The Baddest Person Who Ever Lived.

Irish Chocolate (n.) - Former Texans NT Louis Nix.

It's On Me (exp.) - Apologetic phrase coined by former Texans head coach Gary Kubiak when something awful happened on the field.  Never used sincerely by Texans fans; possibly not even by Kubiak.

J

Jakespeare (n.) - Former Texans wide receiver Jacoby Jones, the Bard of the locker room.  Known for his ironically incomprehensible musings on Twitter.

Jerrah (n.) - Jerry Jones, owner of the Cokeboys/Cowgirls franchise in Dallas Arlington. May or may not have been exposed to the Ark of the Covenant.

Jumbovah (n.) - Former Texans defensive savior coordinator interim head coach Wade Phillips.

Just Winz Gamez (exp.) - The excuse given by fans of a team with a quarterback who can't throw or run the ball but his team still comes out victorious.  Examples include: Tim Tebow, Vince Young, Peyton Manning (circa 2015).

K

K-Dub (n.) - Former Texans WR Kevin Walter.  The height of grittiness.

K-Jax (n.) - Texans cornerback Kareem Jackson, formerly a special blend of bleach consumed after the cornerback gets badly burned by a receiver.

Keenumania (n.) - The deluded hope that former University of Houston quarterback, and current Rams quarterback, Case Keenum will ever develop into a starting-caliber quarterback.  Also a symptom of QB Fever.

Kitten (n.) - Word used as a substitution for foul language.  Originated in "Hair of the Dog" posts.  Used frequently in 2013.

Kubillips (n.) - An unholy fusion of a very good offensive mind in Gary Kubiak and excellent defensive mind in Wade Phillips; since disbanded and rejoined in Denver.

L

Leprechaun (n.) - See also: Innegan.

Letterman Jackets (n.) - Conceived as a way to show solidarity before going to New England to face the Patriots.  Believed to be cursed.

Little Dicky Justice, Age 12 (n.) - Vince Young's soulmate, Richard Justice. Also one of the former chief chimpanzees at the Comicle.

LVJ (n.) - Lyndon Veins Johnson, also known as Kevin Bentley. The reasons behind this could be found at DGDB&D, if it still existed.

M

Marciano Trench (n.) - The pit of despair caused by watching years of awful special teams caused by former Texans special teams coach Joe Marciano.

Marciano'd (v.)- To take a thing with potential (particularly a special teams unit) and make it worse; way, way worse.

Megawatt (n.) - Texans DE and all-around great individual J.J. Watt.  Eats burritos bigger than Ray Rice.

Methopotamia (n.) - Tennessee, a foul, plague-ridden land where the BE-SFs reside.

Mothership (n.) - HoustonTexans.com, the official website of the Houston Texans.

Mittens (n.) - Former Texans QB David Carr. See also: Alex Smith's Fluffer.

N

Ninja (n.) - Former Texans DE Antonio Smith.  See also:  Disrupticon.

Nuk (n.) - Texans WR DeAndre Hopkins.  Comes from nickname given to him as a baby due to the brand of pacifier he preferred.

Nutt'd (n.) - To have a strong, cast-iron opinion on a post that you have not read fully or even at all.

O

OD (n.) - Former Texans TE, and part-time secret agent, Owen Daniels.

OMB'd (v.) - To write a massive, virtually impenetrable wall of text in a single comment; not to be confused with a WizWall.

One Job (n.) - Former Texans OLB and mid-round draft pick Sam Montgomery.  Only had one job which he could not perform.  Thrown off the team for breaking unspecified team rules.

P

Pancakes (n.) - A Texas-size version of the Sally Struthers character from South Park who seems more pre-occupied with landing movie roles than writing about sports. Primary chimpanzee who occasionally writes for the Comicle about the Texans when not writing about Baylor or Methopotamia.

Panda Suit (n.) - An unfortunate tradition usually involving bfd and Jordann, who wears said panda suit and does...I...I can't finish this one, the horror! The horror!

Patrick Willis (n.) - Before the Santa Clara 49ers game, we discovered that some of our friends at Niners Nation think a wee bit too highly of their (admittedly very excellent) now-retired linebacker. I'll let someone else explain it from here. Take it away, TexansForever:

When the ball was snapped, Willis would burst out of his Jersey and fly 20 feet up into the air (spinning in a 360).  He was then surrounded by a Holy Light and wings sprouted from his back. He then split into the three aspects, Coverer, Tackler and Son. Each aspect then converged on an opposing player and blanketed him in a radiant light of blinding glory while the offense fell prostrate in divine worship.

Peepants (n.) - Former Texans center Chris White.

Petey (n.) - Former Texans CB DeMarcus Faggins.  Only player in recent memory to draw both holding and pass interference penalties while simultaneously allowing the receiver he was "covering" to catch the ball.

Polish Hat (n.) - Texans TE C.J. Fiedorowicz.

Pro Bowl Guard Wade Smith (n.) - Former Texans LG Wade Smith, named to Pro Bowl in 2012 for no adequately explained reason.  Used only for sarcastic purposes.

Pterodactyl (n.) - Former Texans RB and team poet laureate Arian FosterFluently speaks the language of said dinosaur.

Q

Q-Tip (n.) - The second darkest day in Houston Texans history.  Former Texans cornerback Glover Quin's attempt to bat down a Hail Mary pass only to have it land in the hands of a Jaguars receiver for a game-winning touchdown.

QB Fever (n.) - A pathological delusion that whoever plays under center for the Texans will either be a) The savior of the team or b) Nowhere near as bad here as he was in previous stops.

R

Rac (n.) - Nickname for Texans defensive coordinator Romeo Crennel.

Radio (n.) - Former NFL QB Vince Young.

Ragdoll (n.) - Up until 2010, the nickname for former Texans center Chris Myers.

Rec'd. (n.) - To click the recommend button on a comment, giving approval to someone's comment and, in some cases, validating that person's existence.

Reverse (n.) - The exact same play as an end around.*

Rosencopter (n.) - The darkest day in Houston Texans history.  Sage Rosenfelsattempt to get one more first down against Indy led to the Texans coughing up a 17 point lead with five minutes left to play.

Rule 80 (n.) - Any image/GIF of Andre Johnson must be rec'd. regardless of circumstance.  Currently under review for possible name change to "Rule 99."

Ryan Mallett's Alarm Clock (n.) - A non-functioning item responsible for not one, but two, time(s) where the former Texans quarterback was late for team activities/flights.

S

Satan (n.) - Kenneth Stanley "Bud" Adams, late owner of the BE-SFs.  See also: Beelzebud.

Schaub (v.) - To throw an interception that is returned for a touchdown (also known as a pick six).  Named after former Texans QB Matt Schaub.

Schaubenfreude (n.) - The act of enjoying the sight of another team's quarterback playing poorly.

Scott (n.) - Rumored co-founder of BRB. In actuality, Tim's alter-ego who only appears after Tim downs too much Zima.

Shankapotamus (n.) - Kris Brown, our (praise be to Durga) ex-kicker; cut by the Texans after discovering he's been trying to kick with his foot on backwards.

Smoove Will (n.) - Former Texans FS Will Demps.

Southpaw'd (n.) - To accuse others of racism for any flimsy reason.

Squatters (n.) - Exiled Colts fans residing in the Basement; now in smaller quantities since the end of the Detente.

Stone-Handed Zombie (n.) - Former Texans safety Eugene Wilson.  See also: EWWW.

Swagg (n.) - Former Texans safety D.J. Swearinger.

Swinging Gate (n.) - Texans RT Derek Newton.  See also: Hologram.

T

Teh Schaub (n.) - Former Texans non-starting QB and our once-fearless leader, Matt Schaub.  The apple of Gary Kubiak's eye.

Tillman (v.) - To speak on a subject or subjects with such language that renders one incomprehensible to others and to himself.  Example:  To run with intentionality or, plays have a bibliography and a footnote.

TEXSON'd (n.) - To make bold yet unverifiable claims based on little to no supporting evidence.

Than (n.) - Pagan god of municipal parking and reverse psychology who vies with Durga and Gozer for the souls of Texans fans.

Three Pies and A Cloud of Meringue (n.) - Former Texans RB Ron Dayne.

THOR (n.) - The Hero Of Rice, Former Texans TE James Casey, and Norse God of Thunder.

Timobi McOye (n.) - Former Texans DE/DT Amobi Okoye.  The first 11 year-old player to be drafted in NFL history and Tim's favoritest player evah.  Just ask him.

Touchback (n.) - Former Texans RB and ill-fated kick returner Steve Slaton.

Traffic Cone (n.) - Former Texans safety Eugene Wilson.  See also: EWWW.

U

Uncle Bob (n.) - Texans owner Bob McNair.

Unicorn Blood (n.) - Former Texans DE Mario Williams' primary source of nourishment.

V

Vanilla (n.) - Level of complication of Frank Bush's alleged defensive scheme. Often resulted in Battle Red Carpet Defense.

Verbhump (v.) - To excessively flatter or compliment a player or team usually at the expense of another team.  Examples include Dan Dierdorf's obsession with Terrell Suggs or Cris Collinsworth's obsession with anybody playing against the Texans.

Vodka (n.) - Former BE-SFs' QB Kerry Collins.  May very well be drunk as of right now.

Vonta Leach KTFO Award, The (n.) - An award formerly given by DGDB&D for people who had been knocked the f*ck out in a style the Human Coke Machine would approve of. Ought to be resurrected (hint, hint).

W

Weeble (n.) - Texans CB Kareem Jackson, who just fell down reading this.

Weejay (n.) - Texans' backup QB, and bane of the Cincinnati Bengals' existence, T.J. Yates.

Weightspeed (n.) - The sum of weight and speed. Extremely useful in gauging a player's ability as well as determining liability in motor vehicle collisions.

Winstonsaurus (n.) - See also: Caveman.

Wishy-Washy (adj.) - Criticism of Texans fans made famous by former Texans RB Ben Tate; implies Texans fans are fickle.

Wizwall (n.) - A series of four or more consecutive comments where the original poster will reply to his own previous comment.

Z

Z Key, The (n.) - A way of quickly reading through new comments at the bottom of every post; also the answer to all of life's problems.

Zima (n.) - A demonic substance forged in the bowels of Hell that, when ingested rapidly, turns otherwise sane bloggers into raving lunatics.  May or may not have been devised by Beelzebud himself.

Zoolander (n.) - Former Texans QB David Carr.  See also: Alex Smith's Fluffer.

*End Around is not the same thing as a Reverse.  It's a joke.