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2016 Houston Texans Season Preview: I Dreamt A Dream Tonight

The Oracle has seen a vision of the future. Want to hear about it? It involves the Texans. C'mon, you know you want to.

"Another thing about that UT, he doesn't showboat his predictions.  He acts like he's predicted them before.  I respect the hell outta that."
"Another thing about that UT, he doesn't showboat his predictions. He acts like he's predicted them before. I respect the hell outta that."
Erik Williams-USA TODAY Sports

George Carlin once said that there is nothing so boring as listening to someone describe a dream.  For the most part, this is true, but we're still in the offseason.  Content is still pretty hard to come by, and "boring" is better than nothing.

Besides, you're going to like this dream.

First, a bit of background.  I love football, but I rarely have dreams about it.  More often than not, my dreams revolve around TV shows; lately those involve the show "Suits" and, particularly, Sarah Rafferty (hi Sarah, who is undoubtedly reading this).  I don't dream about football.

In fact, in the last 10 years, I can recall only three times before Saturday night where I had dreams involving football.  Each one involved the Super Bowl.

In 2007, the year that the Patriots were one game away from the first perfect season since the 1972 Dolphins, I dreamed the Giants would win.  One David Tyree head-catch later, and Tom Brady, the Patriots, and Boston generally were sulking at their lost perfect season.

In 2012, I saw the Ravens handing the 49ers that franchise's only Super Bowl loss.  What happened?  Jacoby Jones pretended to be a competent football player for three hours (which happened in the dream, and which I immediately attributed to bad shellfish).  Colin Kaepernick and Jim Harbaugh had one of the biggest collective brain farts in Super Bowl history (side note:  anybody who mentions Super Bowl XLIX will be banned without trial).

And last year, I dreamed of a crying Cam Newton pouting on the sidelines as the Broncos defeated the Carolina Panthers in Super Bowl L (I don't care if Goodell does fine me.  I'm using Roman numerals).

So when I do dream of football, it's unusual and kind of prophetic.

Which brings me to my vision.  My prophecy, if you will.

Saturday night, I, your beloved Oracle, dreamed about our Houston Texans.

::mystical sounding music::

The Houston Texans will win Super Bowl LI.  I have seen it.  To get there, the Texans will defeat the New England Patriots in Houston and go on to the big game, which will take Houston.  I did not see who the Texans would play against, only that they would defeat the NFC team.  I do recall seeing a lot of green and gold, but there was no logo to go along with the colors; I can only assume this means that the Texans will face and defeat the Green Bay Packers.

When the clock finally reached all zeros, I saw pictures of Houston on television where Texans fans in Brock Osweiler jerseys, Lamar Miller jerseys, J.J. Watt jerseys, even old Matt Schaub, David Carr, and the stray Brian Hoyer jersey were hugging, sobbing, and jumping up and down like maniacs in bars.  Then there was a jump cut to fans streaming out from these bars onto the street, standing on cars, and climbing up street lights.  The city descended into relatively controlled bedlam.

It was wonderful, one of the best dreams I've had in a long time.  Then my jerk neighbor next door started blasting Nirvana to work on his car and woke me up.

I have seen the immediate future, fellow Texans fans, and the future ends with our favorite team hoisting a silver trophy and getting obscenely gaudy rings and going to the White House to visit [SO VERY, VERY REDACTED FOR OBVIOUS REASONS].

It would be particularly remarkable for the Texans to win this year's Super Bowl because it would be the first time that a team in the game plays on their home stadium.  Two teams have gotten close; the 49ers played Super Bowl XIX at Stanford Stadium instead of their home stadium at Candlestick Park, and the once and future Los Angeles Rams played Super Bowl XIV at the Rose Bowl instead of their home stadium, Los Angeles Memorial Coliseum.

The Texans will make history.  The Texans will get their first championship.  This is my prophecy to you, Texans fans.  This is our future.*

*This prophecy is not legally binding and should not be used to do something stupid like bet your mortgage on a Texans Super Bowl victory.  While the Oracle is generally accurate with dreams they--no, stop, I said DO NOT gamble everything on a Texans win, stop!  Sigh.  Void where prohibited.  Some restrictions may apply.  See your local Oracle for details.