clock menu more-arrow no yes

Filed under:

Battle Red Onion: Trade Talks Between Texans, Jets Fall Through

New, comments

Proudly Distributing Sensationalized Rubbish Since 2010. Reports are coming in that the Texans had been pursuing a member of the New York Jets organization, but have stalled recently.

Still a better trade value than Trent Richardson.
Still a better trade value than Trent Richardson.
Vincent Carchietta-USA TODAY Sports

Sources within the Houston Texans organization have leaked word that general manager Rick Smith has been in contact with Jets GM (and former Texans Director of College Scouting) Mike Maccagnan to bring in what he terms as "a critical component to the Texans' championship plans."

Others within the organization are dubious of Smith's claims and feel that their efforts would be better suited to finding productive street free agents who could compete in camp for a spot on the team.

When asked about this transaction, Smith remained tight-lipped, saying only that he "felt it was the right time and the right way to bring a major piece of the puzzle into the fold."

That piece of the puzzle, sources claim, involves Ryan Fitzpatrick.

Maccagnan was incredulous at first, telling our reporters, "We thought Rick had a screw loose or something.  He had his chance and let him get away.  They could've kept it under lock and key for as long as they wanted.  But they didn't and it got away.  Now they want it back?  They can have it, but only at the right price."

By "it," Maccagnan was referring, of course, to Ryan Fitzpatrick's beard.

"I mean look at that thing," said Rick Smith, allegedly, to his intern, a teddy bear named Reuben, during a team meeting. "It's glorious, isn't it?  I've seen Fitzpatrick play with and without that beard, and let me tell you, without that lustrous beard of his, he isn't 1/10th of the player he is with it."

Other members of the front office, such as Cal McNair, could not be reached for comment, as he was too busy not caring.  The coaching staff, however, had plenty to say on the matter.

When asked about bringing Fitzpatrick's beard back, head coach Bill O'Brien added, "Yes!  I got you now, Bulbasau--what's that?" he asked as he hid his phone under the table.  "I think it's a great idea, honestly.  It serves two purposes.  It makes the Jets weaker, according to Rick, and Ozzie [new Texans quarterback Brock Osweiler] would look great in it.  I've already been diagramming plays where we use Fitzy's beard as a psychological weapon against opposing defenses.  So far, none of them have worked--well, that's not true.  The defense laughed when we showed it taped to the top of Ozzie's helmet.  We haven't given up, and I trust Rick that this would be an effective addition to the team, even though he's given all the credit to his intern."

The trade stalled when the Jets, understandably a little confused, asked what they felt was fair value for the famed facial hair.

"It wasn't anything too extravagant," said Maccagnan, through stifled laughs.

"It was outrageous," exclaimed Smith. "In exchange for Fitzpatrick's beard, they wanted me to send them DeAndre Hopkins' dreadlocks and a hair-do to be named later.  Can you believe that?  The nerve of some people.  Although," Smith said, with a scheming look in his eyes, "if I add it as a stipulation of Hopkins' contract, we might be able to get it on the team in time for training camp next season!  Reuben, you're a genius!"

Reuben was unavailable for comment.