The NFL subreddit held their roast for our beloved Houston Texans a few days ago, and it was just as brutal as you probably expected it to be. Nobody in NRG stadium was safe from their verbal barbs, and that includes the fans themselves. Here are some of the highlights:
Hopkins is a true Texan. Talking tough during the week but once Sunday hit, he just rolled over and gave up.
This roast has so much potential Rick Smith just stashed it on IR.
Brock Osweiler has 40 more career completions than Johnny Manziel.
Our franchise is so boring that the top post in our burn thread isn't even about us. At least people care about the Browns instead of the eternal crippling mediocrity that is the Texans.
DeAndre Hopkins looks like a really good WNBA player.
He and Kelvin Benjamin would be the best front court in the WNBA.
When you post something on Reddit, you automatically start with 1 upvote. Which means that most of the comments on this thread have more points than the Texans in the playoffs last year.
There are so many ways to roast the Texans, but I will just pick six.
2. People only care about your city when there is a problem.
3. Andre Johnson
5. The Colts managed to draft back to back franchise QB's while you are so bad you haven't even bothered trying to draft one since 2011 2014 (Something, Something, hasn't won with drafted QB)
6. You squandered your one year where the Colt's were trash, and now you will have to wait until Luck retires for another shot.
TexansTexas301 672 points 2 days ago
"I'll just pick 6." F***.
How much power does it take for the Texans to go to the Super Bowl? I don't know, but it's more than one Watt.
JJ Watt only hates those trees because every year they get a ring.
Sounds like the Eagles and JJ have something in common.
It was just a joke man. No need to jump down my throat. Not like I did something heinous like take a selfie.
Sorry I'm late to the roast my alarm clock didn't go off.
DOES ANYONE HAVE A ROAST FOR RYAN MALLET.
None of us can roast the Texans quite as well as Brian Hoyer did in the playoffs.
Your best player in franchise history now hates you so much he'll play for any AFC South team that'll take him.
What's the order for how these roasts are being posted e.g. by conference, alphabetical, etc.? It seems erratic and random, much like Brian Hoyer's decision-making.
The Texans are one of the few teams who are named after a state, and they're not even the most popular team in that state.
The Texans' best tight end is JJ Watt...
Fifteen for thirty-four, a hundred and thirty-six yards, four interceptions.
If Texans fans could read, that would probably be insulting.
Everything is bigger in Texas.
Especially playoff meltdowns.
I have yet to go anywhere within the city limits of Houston during summer time without feeling like I’m standing inside of a wet, sticky asshole.
The only person hit harder than Enron shareholders in the early 2000s was David Carr.
The Tennessee Titans are the only Houston franchise to make it to a Super Bowl.
It's hard to come up with good roasts for a team who's Super Bowl is beating a divisional rival in their stadium for the first time in franchise history.
I don't think any roast will burn deeper than the Texans passing on Derek Carr. Twice.
If not for Olajuwon, Houston would be the worst sports city in America. And that's including Cleveland.