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Hair Of The Dog: Dog Day Mid-Afternoon (Texans v. Bears)

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The Texans kicked off their season with a win over the long-hated (not really) Chicago Bears. The BRB crew assembles to talk about the game, analyze it, and ponder Weston's capacity for bearing Will Fuller's children.

Somehow not a sack.  No, we don't know how this is the case either.
Somehow not a sack. No, we don't know how this is the case either.
Kevin Jairaj-USA TODAY Sports

If you've been a loyal fan of Battle Red Blog, or at least since 2012, first of all thank you.  Second, you know exactly what this post is.

For those of you who are relatively new to the site, here is a brief explanation of what the Hair of the Dog is:

It originally started when one-time BRB writer Vega (who will make appearances this week) organized his thoughts about the Texans' 2012 opener against the Dolphins.  Over time, that post has evolved into more of a highlight reel of the various conversations between the BRB staff about each Texans game.  Some of it might be intelligent and thought-provoking.  Some of it will be juvenile and snarky, or just a vent of frustration about some stupid thing or other that's happening on the field.  Roughly, it's an 80/20 split in favor of snarky.

As Vega put it best, if BRB had an inner monologue, this would be it, so give it a read at your own peril.

In traditional Hair of the Dog fashion, so that you can read this at work, all swear words in this post have been replaced by the word "kitten."

PRE-GAME:

Vega:

Ah, the old dog. After watching Barcelona and Northwestern kitten the bed yesterday, I'm hoping that's not a sign of things to come.

Brett Kollmann:

I'm predicting Will Fuller to lead us in receiving yards today. Gut feeling.

Matt Weston:

I'm predicting DeAndre Hopkins to lead the team in receiving today.

Capt. Ron:

I'm predicting that Cushing has the best day for the home team.

BattleRedCoat:

Kyle Long playing all season with a torn labrum in his shoulder can't end well.  I'm feeling 4/5 sacks total for the Texans.

FIRST QUARTER:

UprootedTexan:

Brock's first pass is complete to a Texans receiver.  He's already better than Brian Hoyer.

MDC:

Brock looks like a wounded baby gazelle when he runs.

Mike Bullock:

He looks like a baby giraffe on his first romp, but he's got wheels.

Luke Beggs:

No, it's not the first pass that gets picked. It's the second! Progress, people!

Weston:

That was a great pick. I can't believe someone stole the ball from DeAndre Hopkins.

Capt. Ron:

Kareem's back to not turning his kittening head again!

Mike:

Why do I have a burning deja vu feeling creeping up the back of my throat...

Capt. Ron:

Cushing is getting checked out on sidelines; right leg.  This game is starting to unravel before our eyes.

UT:

I prefer to think of that as "tradition" at this point.

TexansTakeaway:

Is it too early to start taking whiskey shots?

MDC:

Cushing looked like he got hurt on one of the first couple of plays. Kept trying to stretch it out between plays after that.

Luke:

Wilfork had one snap where I think he jacked Max Garcia into the backfield but just watched the RB run right past him. For the rest of that drive, Cody Whitehair and Kyle Long were shutting out any interior pressure.

Capt. Ron:

The Bears didn't get the memo that this was supposed to be a layup for Houston today.

The Texans didn't get the memo that this isn't preseason anymore.

Mike:

Looked like Bouye was getting held the whole time there. He woulda at least got a hand on Jeffries if not... no flag...

UT:

Turnover on downs!  Finally something went right!

Luke:

Small correction. It was Cody Whitehair that got jacked by Wilfork on that play and who fumbled that snap on that 4th down.

SECOND QUARTER:

Capt. Ron:

Hopkins was wide open on a crossing route while Fuller and the Bears waited in the end zone for that floater from Brock.

UT:

I'm really enjoying watching Lamar Miller run the ball.  Like poetry.

A minute later:

OPI?!  Are you out of your kittening mind, ref?!

Weston:

Get a load of Alex Smith over here. I hate when Qbs throw short of the endzone on third down like that.

MDC:

Prosch! BFD is happy now.

After DeAndre Hopkins' TD:

That catch. Whoa. I just got movement.

Luke:

OH BABY WHAT A THROW!

TT:

Guys look, D-Hop's still perfect

Mike:

Joseph off the field with a shoulder issue?

Capt. Ron:

Joseph back in.  Looked like they were checking for concussion.

Vega:

C'mon, Ron. The NFL doesn't have concussions.

After Will Fuller's dropped catch:

MDC:

Nice hands, you Domer kitten.

Mike:

Bears 7. Will Fuller minus 6....

Weston:

I thought Fuller's hands weren't an issue anymore? That being said, that was a great route and throw. Fuller is going to be great if he ever learns how to catch the ball. Osweiler's deep ball accuracy has really surprised me so far.

Vega:

This secondary is bringing back memories of 2013.

HALFTIME:

Vega:

Letting Jay Cutler go 10/13 for 156 and a TD is something that should never happen.

Capt. Ron:

That was some 5-11 BS right there.  I hope OB is stuffing a steel-toe boot up some kitten in that locker room.

Tim:

Just when I thought Kareem Jackson couldn't make my afternoon any worse, they announce Joe Nichols is playing the halftime show.

THIRD QUARTER:

Capt. Ron:

Andre Hal got the message at halftime.

Mike:

And Fuller tries to make amends. Still no love from over here though... (insert old man grumbling about dropped sure touchdowns)

UT:

Miller was open and Os threw it away.  Starting to wonder if he hears footsteps really fast and panics?

Weston:

He looks like he's in the middle of an earthquake every time there's pressure.

Mike:

This game's tombstone's gonna read "Kickball and Dink & Dunk don't git er done."

Brett:

Our punt coverage team is really kicking their kitten today.

Vega:

Except for that time they had a 31-yard return.

Weston:

I think I like Brock Osweiler.

Vega:

Back to Brett's point (and my snarky reply), the punt coverage has been awesome outside of that one return. It just sucks when punt coverage is the best unit.

FOURTH QUARTER:

Mike:

Wow. Can't believe they got that spot...

UT:

Honestly, that should've been fourth down.

I'll take it, but that should've been fourth down.

MDC:

Osweiler makes throwing decisions without respect to who is or is not covered. Strange approach.

After Will Fuller's TD:

Vega:

Sweet Kittenus. The WR screen worked.

Weston:

I've completely changed my mind on Will Fuller. He's the kitten greatest.

Vega:

I think Fuller is going to turn into one of those guys who has one or two plays a game that make you want to punch yourself in the nuts, but can also turn in a great performance at the same time.

Mike:

Looks like the D is finally trying to wake up!

MDC:

Osweiler is all like, "Sure, DeAndre is alright, BUT WILL KITTENING FULLER IS OUT HERE, Y'ALL!!!"

Weston:

I'm in love with Will Fuller. If I could have babies, I would want him to have mine.

TT:

Will Fuller is going to spend the season giving me heart attacks. Big play, nearly a tipped interception. Kitten.

Brett:

Lamar Miller just had his 23rd carry for the #Texans in his first game, more than he ever had in a single game with the #Dolphins in 4 years.

Upon learning the severity of Cushing's injury:

MDC:

Cushing with a leg-related injury??? WHAT ARE THE KITTENING ODDS??!?!?

Mike:

[Kitten] Cushing is [Kitten] [Kitten] [Kitten] [Kitten]!! KITTENNN!!!!

Capt. Ron:

Texans #45 ejected for taunting.  Is that Prosch?

This officiating crew is really suspect.

BRC:

Bullough hasn't looked terrible, at least from what I've noticed, so we have that, i guess.

Vega:

Mike, I'm trying to fill in your kittens there, and all I've got is "Kittening Cushing is kittening kittenily kittened kittened!! KITTEN!!!!".

Is that about right?

Mike:

Yes, feel free to quote me on that.

Vega:

How the kitten is that neither a sack nor intentional grounding?

UT:

Because the blind leads the stupid in this referee crew.

In all, it looks like the Texans are going to be an exciting, if frustrating, team to watch this year.  The first half looked pretty awful, but unlike Texans teams in the past, they seemed able to make adjustments in the second half and came out of the game with a win.

That said, it is the first game, so there's no way one could reasonably infer anything about this team from such little data.

Next week the Texans face the Kansas City Chiefs, which is a better team than the Bears, so the Texans can't afford to start slow again.

Hey!  Let's give out some game balls (also a tradition for HotD)!

Offense - Will Fuller V.  In his first game, he did not shrink from the spotlight, leading all receivers with 5 receptions, 107 yards and a touchdown.

Defense - Whitney Mercilus was Jay Cutler's shadow, registering two sacks and forcing a fumble.  I can't wait to see how this defense looks once J.J. is 100% healthy.

Special Teams - Shane Lechler because he punts like a monster, averaging just under 49 yards per punt today.

Chiefs vs Texans coverage