BRB Ministry of Information’s Houston Texans Week Two Preview: Kansas City Chiefs

Play first (Mood Music).

Comrades! Glorious news of Houston Texans’ dominance of hapless Chicago Bears and their pitiable coaching staff has spread far and wide. Now teams and fans in the rest of the league have taken notice and cower before the might of our team’s battle red-stained excellence!

This week proves to be a momentous non-challenge for our team as they face devious and loathsome Chiefs of Kansas City. Kansas City, a town where fountains are considered primary selling point to hapless tourists lost at airport.

First, though, praise to hero of Houston Texans football team, J.J. Watt, who has returned from tearing 63 muscles in his groin, abdomen, patella, uvula, and duodenum to great results. Watt graciously allowed teammates Whitney Mercilus and Jadeveon Clowney to register hits on bored quarterback Jay Cutler last week. This week, however, Watt is on mission to get swift, inexorable justice against those cheap shot artists who tried and failed to bring down our nation’s greatest living football player.

Infamous offensive tackle and con artist Eric Fisher is, according to sources, high on Watt’s enemies list, as Fisher believes, for reasons that made the entire Texans Footballburo laugh for seven minutes nonstop, that he had a significant role in the downfall of Watt in last season’s playoffs.

Whether Watt will ever line up against Fisher remains mystery, as even the Chiefs of the inaccurately named Kansas City don’t know how their offensive line will be constituted.

"It makes no difference," silently thinks peace-loving defensive end Watt. "However they’re lined up, I’m going to eviscerate each and every one of them with my bare hands. I will show enemies of the team no mercy and give them no quarter. When this game ends, I will wear Alex Smith’s head as a hat."

It should come as no surprise to good, decent Texans fans that Chiefs’ coaching staff has no clue as to how to assemble an offensive line when they can’t even make up their mind about keeping highly drafted rookies on their team. Chiefs’ third round pick, cornerback KeiVarae Russell, was cut on Wednesday because, according to the wholly deceptive and incorrigibly phony Chiefs’ front office, "We felt that that was the best thing to do for the Chiefs right now."

High ranking Ministry of Information officials are dubious to their claims, as the verminous Chiefs had given plenty of time for players such as Knile Davis and De’Anthony Thomas to develop, and both players are especially insignificant on a team full of insignificant players.

"I’m grateful to be out of there, honestly," probably said Russell to trustworthy Ministry writing staff. "They didn’t really bother to try to develop me, and those who did just pointed at Marcus Peters and said, ‘do what he does.’ But the worst part was that I was named Andy Reid’s personal feeder. Do you know how disgusting it is to see him eat whole raw fish six times a day? The worst part was the horn-honking. Always with the horn when he wanted another fish. And God help you if you got anywhere near his bucket."

The KeiVarae Russell debacle only illustrates how inept the non-Kansas City Chiefs are. Either they don’t know how to draft players that will turn into mighty talents like Watt or DeAndre Hopkins (whose dreadlocks inspire hope and songs from loyal Texans fans), or they don’t know how to develop raw talent into players of substance, or they have all the salary cap management skills of a clump of blind, senile hedgehogs.

Reconnaissance from Last Week:

Last week, the vile Chiefs "played" the San Diego Chargers in the fallaciously dubbed "loudest place on Earth," Arrowhead Stadium. The Chargers, who last season had trouble beating a group of elderly nuns in a game of touch football, led the Chiefs for the better part of three quarters, leading by 18 points at their zenith. The Chargers then, according to objective sources, felt a great swell of pity for the AFC Divisional Round Semifinalist, grew bored playing with their foodm and let the Chiefs get back into the game to feel good about themselves. The Chargers’ benevolence was thus repaid when the game went into overtime and the Chiefs, ungrateful weasels that they are, decided to stick it to the Chargers by scoring a touchdown. Since it was the first score of overtime, the Chargers were denied the courtesy of getting a chance to score due to the Chiefs’ selfishness. Let us hope that the Texans learn not to give such courtesies to a team undeserving of such.

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