Hair Of The Dog: The Houston Texans Are Better Dogs Than The Kansas City Chiefs

It won’t make up for the Texans’ implosion in the playoffs last year, but let’s be honest: it was mighty satisfying watching the Chiefs get kept out of the end zone for a full 60 minutes yesterday, wasn’t it?

I know I enjoyed it, and I know that the rest of the BRB staff were just as happy about the end result. Did we like the ugliness that went into getting that final result? Well, why am I asking you when you can read it for yourself right now?

As always, all swear words have been replaced by the word "kitten" either by the writers themselves or in post-production.

BRB writing persons assemble!

Pre-Game:

Brett

I legitimately might hate the Chiefs more than the Colts at this point. I hope we put up 50.

Vega

I want to give a quick shout out to my new friend Jen who came to Florida from Houston to watch Orlando City embarrass themselves (and, presumably to also visit her brother Chuck... an all around good guy). At least we sucked down enough alcohol to make the game tolerable. Here's hoping the Texans don't require the same tonic.

MDC (to Brett)

Absokitteninglutely. The only team I hate more than the Chiefs is the Titans, and there are moments when that's a close call because of how many of my dumbkitten family members are Chiefs fans.

First Quarter:

MDC

Trying to think if there's ever been a Texans game where there wasn't at least one special-team play that didn't make me yell, "Kittenit, don't DO that!"

Maybe the one where Apostrophe had two KR TDs, but I even kinda doubt that.

kdentify

No, there hasn't. At least not since the end of the wedge.

MDC

Will Fuller just showed kitteny hands AND good hands on the SAME CATCH.

Vega

Fuller's speed, bad hands, and improvement all on display at the same time. What a great kittening through*, though.

Weston

I love Will Fuller. I think he's the best. Yeah, I think he's better than Kanye West.

Vega

*throw.

I may still be drunk

After Brock Osweiler’s interception in the end zone:

BFD

Everything good and bad in one drive for the Texans.  Texans fans will lead the league in bleach-chugging for sure.

Mike Bullock

Brock Hoyer? I sure hope not...

BFD

Brock is Case Keenum with more size and less sharting.

The Texans’ first fumble recovery:

Luke

That's one heck of a long snapper.

Ryan Dunsmore

Well, that was one hell of a turnaround .

Mike Bullock

That shot of J.J. shoving Smith outta the way like a rag doll is my fave highlight of the season so far.

When Nuk scores the only touchdown of the game:

UT

Hello Nuk, nice to see you this morning!

Mike Bullock

When all else fails, J.J. and D-Hop make it happen.

Vega

Is Brock Osweiler the new Rex Grossman?

kdentify

Don't put that juju on us.

Weston

No but Marcus Peters is the new DeAngelo Hall.

Watt is the best in the league at recovering fumbles. That is a lucky fluke thing he's turned into a skill.

BFD

Lechler seems to be re-living his halcyon days this year after sucking so badly last year.  Really happy to see this.

Second Quarter:

UT

So, um...what the kitten was that, Allen?

BFD

Is Derrick Johnson invisible to everybody or only Jeff Allen?

Mike Bullock

Ervin really needs to learn to kneel...

At the Texans’ fumble recovery that was somehow ruled an incompletion:

Mike Bullock

For [kittens] sake, would someone teach our secondary how to pick up a bouncing ball!!!

MDC

OR JUST FALL ON IT.

Luke

Why is our secondary so clumsy?

UT

Because you touch yourself at night.

Immediately after the ruling of incompletion:

UT

Go kitten yourself, ref.  Go kitten yourself with a rusty scimitar.

Luke

Mitchell Schwartz really didn't try to block Watt on that sack.

UT

o/~ I wanna know what a catch i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-is...I want you to show me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e...o/~

o/~ I wanna see what a catch i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-is...I need you to show me-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e...o/~

Mike Bullock

I hope Watt makes Fisher cry in his jock at the half.

Luke

YES! 4th and 1 and we go for it!

At the touchdown that was ruled an incompletion:

UT

[Hopkins] is in, CHALLENGE THAT KITTEN!!

Weston

That’s a catch, I think?

After yet another catch that somehow wasn’t a catch:

Mike Bullock

That’s a touchdown.

BFD

Yep, Mike, should be.

Weston

I don't know what a catch is. You don't know what a catch is. Nobody knows what a catch is.

At the Kevin Johnson interception just before the end of the half:

UT

Kevin Johnson, you magnificent kitten!

Wait, let's make sure the ref doesn't rule this an incomplete pass first.

Capt Ron

I KITTEN LOVE KEVIN JOHNSON!!!

Mike Bullock

Can you imagine what Lamar Miller could do with a bulldozer fullback out in front of him?

UT

Have we scored in the red zone yet this season? A touchdown, I mean.

Luke

I think the Fuller TD was inside the 20.

They're just struggling to score TDs once they get into the red zone. Plenty of field goals though.

Weston

Eric Fisher, one of the best left tackles in the NFL, continues to lead the league in holding penalties.

Halftime:

Ryan Dunsmore

If the positive outcome holds, I implore the recap writer to use this somewhere....

"The Houston Texans are a better football team than the Kansas City Chiefs. Full stop." (ed. note: Ripping on a post from Arrowhead Pride reversing the teams in the headline)

Weston

Brock's accuracy and the left side of the line are huge liabilities in the red zone.

Capt Ron

Defense is so much fun to watch.  Offense looks confused and keeps stalling in the red zone.

Luke

Braxton Miller came out of the tunnel without pads. He's probably gone.

Third Quarter:

MDC

Ervin is not particularly bright.

Mike Bullock

Ervin is killing me.

UT

And then any time Lamar Miller does a thing for my fantasy team, Jeff Allen has to negate it.

Luke

FOR KITTEN’S SAKE, ALLEN.

Weston

What a play by Hopkins to save the pick. Osweiler makes some DUMB, dumb throws.

Also, these 3rd and 10 runs are giving me gout. Why sign a QB for $18 million a year and bring in all these receivers to run draw plays?

When Benardrick McKinney sacked Alex Smith with little resistance:

UT

Benardrick McKinney is a bad, bad man.

Luke

That's the second week that A-gap blitz from the MLB has had a positive outcome.

MDC

Kittenkittenit, Tyler Ervin. STAHP.

UT

The one good thing I can say about that Ervin return is at least he held on to the kittening ball.

Osweiler’s second interception:

MDC

I'm not digging Osweiler.

There. I said it.

Mike Bullock

Well, we all expected Brock to make some mistakes early this year...

Luke

Two steps forward, one step back.

MDC

I'd say one step forward, one step sideways, and one step back. Followed by a stumble.

BFD

His picks are just amazingly poor throws.

McKinney covering a WR, and well, on the last play.

Brett

Peters is gifted more INTs than any corner in the league.

TexansTakeaway

The post-game I'm working on is not too kindly worded in regards to Brock, so I'm glad I'm not alone there.

Fourth Quarter:

UT

Positive running plays without a Jeff Allen kittenup. That doesn't make sense.

Luke

I don't think I've seen Lamar Miller run outside the tackles today.

UT

Another red zone appearance, another field goal.

Luke

I mean, at least were putting points on the board, right?

MDC

I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue.

Luke

I just want to clock to get to zero. That's all I want now. Just keep the score the same and get the clock to zero.

MDC

My gambling luck has been kitten lately, so I put 10 on KC +6.5 a few minutes ago. That should seal it for us.

Vega

Hey, there's Alfred Blue doing Alfred Blue things.

On the poorly spotted near first down caught by DeAndre Hopkins:

MDC

DeAndre. Motherkittening. Hopkins.

Vega

He is a bad mother kittener.

On Novak’s field goal:

MDC

Novak just went Nuke LaLoosh on Toro.

Vega

That may have been the kittenest good kick of all time.

Weston

I never want to see another FG again.

I'm watching this game with Cowboys fans. Every one of these kittens is an expert on what is a catch or not because Dez caught it DERP.

UT

That was an ugly-kitten kick.  Like Nazis opening the Ark of the Covenant ugly.

When the Chiefs nearly returned a kickoff for a touchdown:

Luke

Bill O Brien looked like his heart stopped there for a second.

Vega

Please tell me we just got bailed out by a flag. Please tell me we just got bailed out by a flag. Please tell me we just got bailed out by a flag. Please tell me we just got bailed out by a flag. Please tell me we just got bailed out by a flag.

MDC

Thanks for the gift, random kitteny Chiefs player!

Luke

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, do do do do, everywhere you look

Yellow Flags are flying in the sky, Chiefs fans waving TDs goodbye.

UT

This still feels like "oh, kitten" territory to me.

BFD

Conditioning is a bear, isn't it?

Vega

Holy kitten, what the kitten happened to "coverage"?

UT

It died a quiet death at the two minute warning.

Luke

Let's just fast forward to the onside kick.

MDC

Exactly. Then get the hands team out there and pray.

Vega

Do you think Fuller is on the hands team?

When DeAndre catches the onside kick:

MDC

Game...blouses.

UT

The Ministry of Information is going to have fun with this one.

Weston

What a kitteny onside kick.

I really think the key to this defense now is there is more than one person than J.J. watt that can rush the passer.

BFD

What an ugly kittening game.

Luke

It's over. It's finally over!

Capt Ron

Ugly offense, but it's a "W!"

It was an ugly game, and not even the ugliest game on the schedule, but I can’t argue with the end result.

Hey! Let’s give out some game balls!

Offense - DeAndre Hopkins. He should’ve had two touchdowns, but because his awesomeness blinds the refs, he’ll have to be satisfied with the only touchdown of the game.

Defense - Benardrick McKinney. Watt might have been more visible, but McKinney got eight tackles a sack and a tackle for a loss. He’s been looking mighty good of late.

Special Teams - Nick Novak. A lot of his kicks may have looked like kitten, but he still nailed four field goals and almost had a fifth. Not a bad day at the office.

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