Comrades! Your stalwart heroic Houston Texans emerged from Sunday with a flawless 19-12 victory over the weak-willed Chiefs of Kansas City! There can no longer be any doubt that our glorious Houston Texans are a better team than whiny fraudulent pretenders that are the Chiefs.
This week, however, poses a grave threat as the Texans leave magnificent confines of Houston and travel north to face subversive "Patriots" of New England, an area of the country so dedicated to decadence, tyranny, and imperialism that it still uses the name of its old master.
Make no mistake, comrades, these false "Patriots" are a threat to our battle red-clad brethren on the field. Not because they are the better team. Absolutely not. The "Patriots" will make every effort to pervert the course of the game against the Texans and the course of the Texans’ season. If this game were to be played between the honorable Texans and the duplicitous "Patriots" without their artifices, the Texans would be their usual 30-35 point favorites. But because "Patriots’" shenanigans are so well known both in the league and among gamblers, the Texans are only 2.5 point favorites in New England.
It’s simply what these "Patriots" do. They successfully carried out one such campaign a few years ago. Ministry of Information sources have learned recently that the creators of the infamous Texans letterman jackets, Shaun Cody and Connor Barwin, were, at the time, and remain to this day, "Patriots" saboteurs hellbent on diverting the rightful course of Texans history.
Our reporters have uncovered documentation that illustrates the sickening conspiracy of the traitors Cody and Barwin. They were concerned that the "Patriots" could only win their game against the mighty Texans if the entire team were replaced with the cast of television show "Friday Night Lights." There were also sketches by Barwin of the jackets with the words "Texans stink, ‘Patriots’ rule!" written above them, as well as a line about how to get Texans to play like high school team by dressing like them.
It took two years and several rounds of purges of players and coaching staff, including the despicable Cody and Barwin, to cleanse the team of pro-"Patriot" infiltrators. Comrades, we must remain ever vigilant against such loathsome tricks. We must be ever watchful that such disloyalty never infect glorious Houston Texans locker room again!
But it doesn’t end there. The fraudulent "Patriots" have been known to cause tricks and jiggery-pokery during their games. They have added time to the play clock, sometimes as much as a full minute, because their android quarterback could not figure out which play to call in time. They also have a history of adding time to the game clock to ensure a "Patriots" victory, sometimes adding as much as three entire quarters.
That’s just during the game. It is no secret that the "Patriots" have perpetrated conspiracies to corrupt the neutrality of the great game of football. Whether it’s spying on the other team’s practice habits or installing cameras in opposing team’s locker room or deflating footballs to flagrantly unacceptable level of 0.5 PSI in footballs for famed synthetic quarterback Tom Brady’s approval. Nothing is too low for the morally bankrupt "Patriots" and their revolting underhandedness. It is sad that they see themselves as unable to win without resorting to such tricks, unlike principled Houston Texans football performances against the Bears and Chiefs.
The devious machinations of "Patriots" coaching staff and ownership has not gone unpunished. After long circus displaying just how guilty he is, though, being a cyborg, he himself is unable to feel guilt, Tom Brady has been suspended for four games and will not play against mighty Texans’ defense. Speaking on behalf of objective Ministry of Information, we applaud our great comrade commissar Roger Goodell for rooting out the "Patriots" corrupt plans and agree that great commissar has absolute right to purge enemies of football as he sees fit.
Instead of Brady, the vaunted Texans will face sure-to-be panicked third-string quarterback Jacoby Brissett, whose name inspires laughter and confusion among high-level Ministry officials. Originally the "Patriots" planned to trot out Brady’s personal dishrag Jimmy Garoppolo, but Garoppolo injured shoulder in his game against the Dolphins Sunday. News leaked from "Patriots" that head coach Bill Belichick, who may or may not be related to Yugoslav dictator Marshal Tito, ordered the injury to Garoppolo during the game. Garoppolo, according to trustworthy Ministry sources, said he wanted to play a clean game against glorious Houston Texans on Thursday without the usual tricks. After the game, Belichick was seen standing next to Garoppolo’s gurney muttering, "Do not disobey me again. Am I understood, little man?"
Despite the injury, the weasel Belichick continues to juggle the two quarterbacks like bowling pins in Moscow circus act, pretending that Garoppolo could start Thursday even after Belichick’s best efforts to end the second-string quarterback’s life against the Dolphins. Ultimately it makes little difference, as great Texans hero J.J. Watt, whose line of shoes have been known to cure leprosy, will destroy either quarterback and smile while doing so.
The time has come for glorious Texans football team to throw off the yoke of "Patriot" oppression. The "Patriots" remain little more than an edifice of a decadent past, it is time to consign them to the ash heap of league history!
Reconnaissance from Last Week:
The false "Patriots" used their standard array of tricks and deceptions to take a 24-0 lead until Belichick decided to send his second-string quarterback a message and injured Jimmy Garoppolo’s shoulder. When weakling Jacoby Brissett came onto the field, the team refused to take him seriously and the Dolphins stormed back to nearly tie the game if it weren’t for violent sociopath LeGarrette Blount’s touchdown in third quarter. In the end, the "Patriots" won 31-24, but not before Brissett’s inexperience and failure of leadership nearly blew the game for them.
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