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Hair Of The Dog (Texans-Patriots): Some Nights You’re The Dog, Some Nights You’re The Hydrant

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This was not a night where the Texans were the dog.

Houston Texans v New England Patriots
Bye. Drive home safely.
Photo by Adam Glanzman/Getty Images

It started out as such a nice day. Got to go to the Washington State Fair. Ate some corn dogs, wasted money on games I knew I would never win (which, really, should have been a sign of things to come), bought a crap load of scones, which are a really big deal at the Washington State Fair and for good reason.

I even had a pineapple whip and didn’t have to go to Disneyland to do so. The skies were clear, the temperatures clement, it was beautiful.

And then...and then...ah, you know what happened. So there’s no point in trying to dodge it. Let’s get on with this week’s Hair of the Dog, brought to you by nobody.

Pre-Game Hi-Jinx:

Brett

Well, if there was ever a game that tested our ability to cover tight ends this is probably it. Welp...

BFD

Garoppolo inactive. Tasty Brisket it is for the defense. Time to feast, Texans.

Luke

At one point this week, I was considering doing a look back at that Letterman jacket game but man watching that again was hard. I remember staying up till 3 in the morning to watch on as a convicted murderer torched our LB and secondary.

HDH

Feels like there's WAY more pressure on the Texans with Garrapolo out.

BFD

No doubt there is. If Brisket goes all Mark Sanchez on us, it'll be embarrassing. Again.

UT

They're kittened either way, really. Either the narrative is "Sure the Texans won, but they were playing a third string quarterback" or "OMGLOL the Texans lost to a third string quarterback."

Luke

Yeah, it's a case of kittened if we do and kittened if we don't.

That being said, I'll be kittened if they don't win tonight. The game won't finish till like 5am and I really don't want to go to bed angry.

BRC

Bed at 5am, up at 8am for work, I sure am stupid.

Luke

David, they will never know of our struggle and sacrifices we make to do this.

Weston

Kitten that game. I got drunk and yelled at the dog.

I'd take A.J. Bouye v Gronk any day.

Mike

Is it just me, or is the overwhelming message from the national media today that the mighty Patriots are going to go out with a busload of crippled children and whip the lowly Texans?

BFD

Until we do something against the Pats, Mike, it's deserved.

Luke

How much should we buy into the idea that we can actually cover TEs if Bouye shuts down a less than 100% Gronk?

Mike

Well, if we're were allowed to cheat, we'd have three trophies too. (yes, I'm bitter...)

Luke

Man, that Edelman profile was '''HOW TO BE A GRITTY SMALL WHITE RECEIVER'' 101. Look at him working! Such a hard worker! He blends his own food!

Luke

First ''Do your Job'' of the night. The rhetoric is strong.

First Quarter:

BRC

Wow, a run outside the tackles.

Weston

Every time Jeff Allen blows a block, just remember they decided to save a million a year by signing him over Brandon Brooks.

After an incomplete pass that looked like the receiver threw the ball down:

UT

Future Hall of Famer Stephen Anderson, ladies and gentlemen.

BFD

Man, Cover 2 from the Pats. Called it, Big Matt.

Mike

Finally an opening drive without an interception. Whew.

Brett

Jabaal Sheard just blew right through Newton, wow.

BRC

Derek Newton is the dog that kittens on your carpet from time to time but you still love them because most of the rest of the time they're perfectly cool

UT

Kick catch interference...kittening swell job, Happy Socks.

Weston (in response to BFD)

We are so smart!

We should coach against the Texans.

Vega

And there's your first special teams kitten up.

Weston

That was a remarkable punch by Sheared or however you spell it. He knocked Newton off the ball right at the snap.

HDH

Newton not even competitive on that sack. How does that happen?

UT

For kitten's sake, wrap up when you tackle.

BRC

Kevin Johnson's coverage makes me happy

BFD

Patriots kept seven in to block on the third down on their first drive. Looks like that's their plan on third and long, I'd guess.

Kareem Jackson: the best run stopping CB in the league. Time to move him to safety.

Weston

I'm actually nervous watching this game. Life was so much easier when this team sucked and I was drunk and didn't give a kitten.

UT

Yeah, expectations are a real pain in the kitten.

Luke

Surely taking him away from corner would remove the distinction you just gave him and make him just an undersized safety.

BRC

Cheers for that spot ref mate.

BFD

We still have KJo, who can start, and I'd love to get Demps off the field. Sure, Jackson is smaller, but size doesn't make a difference with his tackling ability.

Mike

Wait! The Texans brought the draw on 3rd and long! #NeverHappens

TT

Does BOB understand how third downs work?

UT

BOB, I like you. And I really, really want to blame Godsey for that call. Please tell me that was Godsey's draw play.

BFD

Helluva play by Clowney there. Kitten.

On the pass interference call against Johnathan Joseph:

UT

ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR KITTENING MIND?

Mike

Watch out, Walt Coleman's about to throw a hip...

BRC

Please, for the love of kitten, wrap up.

BFD

I'm loving Clowney at 3-4 DE. Almost blew up a play when a guard pulled. So quick, and strong enough to stick there.

When Joseph went out briefly with an injury

BRC

Glad we have faith in Bouye.

UT

...we do?

Luke

I guess we have to now.

BRC

Correction, I do.

At the Charles James fumbled kickoff return:

BFD

Our return team decision making is simply awful.

BRC

Take a knee if you're gonna misjudge it that badly.

UT

Change your socks, CJII. Like now.

Brett

Da kitten was that...

Mike

WHY??! Why is Charles James returning kicks? And why is he fumbling them???

HDH

They blew the kittening play dead!!!

UT (in response to Mike)

Because the rest of the Marx Brothers are either dead or unavailable.

BRC

Wow, I don't even know what to say, but all I know is BOB you better get kitten sorted.

BFD

Major hold on Joseph on Brissett's TD run. That was incredibly blatant.

Luke

Hey at least Tyler Ervin learned his lesson from last week.

BFD

Butler pressed Fuller on the last snap. So far, Big Matt, we're looking pretty prescient with our preview.

Hopkins = HANDCLAMP

BRC

When in doubt, throw it to Hopkins.

Second Quarter:

HDH

Does anyone have the slightest clue what our gameplan is on offense? Still early and the defense will tighten up, but this is a bedkittening.

UT

I have about as much of a clue as Godsey does, which is kind of a problem.

Brett

Wow, really favorable spot for the Texans on Lamar's run there.

BFD

Two things. Nobody has pressed Fuller at all this season, and the Pats are playing a lot of man Cover 2. They're making us run the ball, and our offensive line can't block for kitten. Pats adjusted, and we weren't ready.

Luke

I'm honestly not sure. I think they were hoping to do the Kubiak strategy of getting up early through a mix of run and pass while the defense locks everything down but that plans out the window so I’m not sure what else they have.

On Osweiler’s WTF interception:

UT

And there's the WTF interception. I think we have another Matt Schaub.

Mike

And there goes Shau- I mean Osweiler's pick...

Brett

The primetime curse strikes again.

Luke

Hello triple coverage my old friend.


I've come to throw to you again.

BRC

McKinney is a grown kitten man. He looks better every game

Mike

I miss the 2012 season... ya know, back when our best offensive chance wasn't our defense...

Mike

Did they just say the Pats are 76-0 when they lead at the half? Wow...

UT

The corner grabbed Hopkins by the arm and threw him down, but that's not a flag, don't even kittening worry about it.

Mike

The NFL failed to mention the new rule change where it's ok to interfere with any receiver wearing #10...

On the non-fumble by the Pats:

UT

You challenge that, O'Brien. You challenge that now.

Brett

He was down.

BFD

This challenge is so kittening stupid.

Mike

Yeah, like 5 yards is going to improve our blocking, make Brock more accurate or stop the Pats from cheating...

BRC

Pancakes is using the word pathetic again on Twitter.

/closes Twitter for night

Brett

Of course we give up 3rd and kittening 15...

Luke

WHAT IS THAT?!?

Mike

What is wrong with Miller? He's making Chris Polk look ok with all the falling down he's doing...

BRC

Oh look, another good gain running outside the tackles, let us not do that again for 15 rushes.

Luke

Just put points on the board from this drive and try to carry some momentum into the second half.

(editor’s note: Hahahahahaha, you’re funny)

Weston

Mark Wahlberg rescuing everyone out of a burning oil rig in the Gulf of Mexico is a fitting metaphor for this game.

Mike

Maybe we should've signed Wahlberg in the offseason...

UT

It's propaganda showing that a guy from Boston is a hero for handling a problem coming from just outside Houston. Kitten that movie.

Weston

With this kitteny interior blocking, there is not one reason to run the ball on third down like that.

BRC

Why are we calling a timeout???

Luke

OB, what are you doing? There's no reason for you to call that TO.

Vega

What a kitteny half of football.

Mike

Worst half of football since the playoffs.

Third Quarter:

Vega

Texans D-Line getting stood up right now

TgC

I managed to watch some of the first half and I gotta say, we kinda suck. I don't really keep up with the rule changes very much - when did it become legal for a defensive back to grab the arm of a receiver as he's trying to catch the ball?

Mike

That's only legal in Foxborough when you're a Patriot.

Luke

Ha! Stood up! I get it. It's because none of them appear to have turned up.

Mike

In Monday's presser, O'Brien mentioned the team was beat up physically after the Chiefs game. Take that an add in traveling to NE and I can see why the D looks so... done.

On yet another Tyler Ervin fumble, recovered by the Patriots:

UT

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


::gasp::

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA

::falls off chair::

Brett

ARE YOU KITTENING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW.

BRC

You have to be joking.

Weston

Really, you would think once after fourteen years that this special teams wouldn't be completely miserable. This game looks done folks.

Mike

Well, the offense can't string together consecutive first downs, the special teams look like they’re on Kraft's payroll, and so the defense is always on the field...

TT

I'm so sick of the Texans looking like a band of toddlers every time they play the Patriots.

UT

If they'd just show up in prime time for once in my kitten life, I would be so appreciative.

Weston

They almost beat the Ravens once.

Luke

Stephen Anderson is also out for the rest of the game with a hamstring injury. Burn it. Burn it all.

Luke

Hey we beat the Bengals on Monday night of last season!


That counts right? RIGHT?

Mike

WHHHAAAATTT????!!!

Vega

This is all a joke, right? It's not a real game.

UT

Soooooo, to recap that last play...when the NE offensive player knocks down a defender and is in the general vicinity of a pass, even though he has zero chance of catching it, that's DPI.
Kitten you, ref. Kitten this whole Kittening game.

MORE GIN!

kdentify

Just got home. To think, I selected the Bears as the lowest scoring team this week.

UT

Hot kitten, a kick return that didn't get kittening fumbled!

Mike

Ervin needs to hold the ball with two hands. Always.

Weston

Kitten, the Texans are down 20-0 because they fumbled two kickoffs and haven't run a single play in NE territory, not because the refs.

Dunsmore

I have to go to work at 5 am but this team has driven me to drink.

Vega

This game feels so Joe Marciano.

Vega

Are we certain that Belichick didn't drug the Texans? Like maybe pump some kitten through the visitor locker room AC?

BFD

This game is a how-to guide to shut down the Texans offense. Not all teams will be able to do it because of personnel reasons, but now everybody knows how to stop the offense.

Weston

Quintin Demps sucks so hard.


If this offense can't throw deep they are F'd.

Mike

How bad do Andy Reid and John Fox's teams look right now, though?

UT

If we draft yet another return specialist, forget speed, can we draft one that has a fully functioning brain? You know, just for a change of pace.

Mike

Yeah, next year's free agent haul needs to include an entire offensive line.

UT

Oh my god, we're so close to actually getting into New England's side of the field.

Weston

More Jaelen Strong in the slot. Less two tight end sets.

UT

THEY DID IT! THEY DID IT! THEY GOT IT PAST THE 50!!!

Weston

TOUCHDOWN!

Fourth Quarter

UT

Fourth quarter starts now. Kitten, there's still another 15 minutes.

Dunsmore

Yup. Most important down of the game and the team isn't on the same page. Yup. Yup. Yup.

Vega

I have so little optimism for this fourth down right now.

UT

I went up to get dinner and missed that near interception.


Clearly I was the winner on that play.

Dunsmore

Houston Sports: Where only an act from Hakeem Olajuwon can bring happiness.

Luke

That was so close to being another nail in the coffin.

UT

Oh, and Lamar Miller is hurt. Swell.

After Jaelen Strong’s personal foul:

TT

I've always loved Jaelen the most.

BRC

I didn't think it could get worse.


It could.

UT

That was a personal foul so dumb that it would've made D.J. Swearinger proud.

kdentify

So on 3 and 20, we decided to run the ball. That says something about how abysmal the passing game is. I'm not sure whether it's OB, Godsey, Brock or a combination of the three, but this is ridiculous.

Luke

Me too, TT, I really don't want him to turn into the new Posey.

After the long LaGarrette Blount run:

BRC

Oh, there it is.

Mike

I just heard the fat lady start singing...

Capt Ron

I just got home and see that there's 12 mins left in the game with Texans getting pants'd 20-0. WTF is wrong with this offense? Is it so KITTEN KITTEN MOTHERKITTEN difficult to understand and execute?!!! Does Houston need a different offensive coordinator?!! Granted, I haven't seen a single play of the game, but I am probably not far off the mark just looking at the KITTEN score. SMH.

UT

I wish it was still 20-0.

BRC

Ron, see two fumbles on returns inside our own 20 yard line. That kittens kitten up quick.

Vega

So, that's when you try to take a shot?

UT

Why not? Nothing else about this game has made any sense.

BRC

We've started from near the 10 yard line every time and can't get a run game going, it's never going to work

Vega

Why the KITTEN is Miller still playing?! He's already hurt, and you're down 27-0 late in the fourth.

Vega

Assuming the Texans don't score, they've now been shutout in 2 of their last 4 games. Silver lining: Last season did not die after the Dolphins game.

Hey! Let’s give out some game balls!

None of them are going to the Texans, naturally; not a one of them deserves one after whatever the hell that was.

No, I’m giving game balls to Hendrick’s gin and the scones from the Washington State Fair.

Now if you will excuse me, I’m going to go eat my emotions away.