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Comrades! Our first game of the Houston Texans' march to a Super Bowl championship begins on Sunday. But there are many obstacles that would sabotage that quest.
The first of which is a minor speed bump that is the Chicago Bears.
The pitiful Bears defense, as of this posting, might get their top three corners back. Sources loyal to the opposition claim that Kyle Fuller, Tracy Porter, and Bryce Callahan returned to practice after missing time due to a knee scoping, being in concussion protocol, and an injured hamstring, respectively. The truth is that these players only returned to the active roster once head coach John Fox, after hours of begging on his hands and knees, convinced them to return to practice.
According to objective, reliable sources, the reason these three players were uncertain for Week One is because, said one source, "They were afraid of being repeatedly embarrassed by the spectacular, high-flying Texans receiving corps."
The pervasive fear simmering in the Bears' locker room still holds a tight grip on Pernell McPhee, who will pretend to be unable to play and start the season on the PUP list in an effort to avoid playing on Sunday. As a result of this, Lamar Miller's rushing performance could go from the 200 yards that was expected of him in Sunday's tilt up to 300 yards, at which point the Bears' coaching staff will simply fall to their knees and weep at their own ineptitude.
"Xavier Su'a-Filo makes me nervous," McPhee said to a trustworthy source, probably. "I'm just sure I'll be embarrassed by him and [Derek Newton]. I ain't gonna risk looking bad against them."
J.J. Watt's return also prompted a flurry of panicked moves by the Bears to bolster their offensive line. In the last few weeks, the Bears convinced a former Packers guard, Josh Sitton, after several days of pleading, to sign a three-year deal with Chicago. Sitton, who has only been a Pro Bowl guard for less than 50% of his career, is widely believed by credible reports to have only joined the Bears because he wanted to stick it to Green Bay.
The Bears also signed infamous Texan criminal and traitor to the team, Brian Hoyer, to be their backup quarterback. After spending the previous year sabotaging all efforts of the heroic Houston Texans football team to succeed in both the regular season and postseason, there is reason to believe that torpedoing the Texans' 2015-16 and then fleeing to Chicago might have been the traitor Hoyer's plan all along.
On special teams, the Bears purged long time, and reportedly extremely bitter, kicker Robbie Gould after years of loyal service to the vile opposition, in favor of new placekicker/bootlicker Connor Barth. We at the BRB Ministry of Information wish Gould well for finally escaping the clutches of Chicago and really, really hope his career hasn't been taken out into an empty field and shot, the way the careers of so many other former Bears have been.
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