BRB Ministry of Information’s Divisional Round Playoff Preview: New England Patriots

Rise for new People’s Playoff Anthem of Houston Texans:

Comrades! Once again, our indomitable Houston Texans have claimed resounding victory against vastly outmatched foe. The Texans, people’s football team of Texas, demolished Oakland Raiders in a win that was deprived them in Mexico City by devious and ultimately unsuccessful machinations of forces unknown. Inevitable march toward glorious Super Bowl continues from here.

Our glorious Texans, league’s paragon of virtue and football excellence, now leave cozy confines of NRG Stadium and warm embrace of all good, loyal Texans fans to undoubtedly vanquish their longtime nemesis: vile imperialist “patriots” of New England.

Make no mistake, comrades, despite rhetoric coming from biased outside sources and columnists with grudges against football loving fans and players of Houston Texans, “patriots” quake in fear! Fear haunts “patriots” like specter clad in battle red, steel blue and liberty white! Only for that reason will “patriots” and their lapdogs be extra vehement about alleged certainty of “patriots’” win over Texans.

Do not believe them! They will deceive you with fine talk and references to extremely high point spreads, Ignore all of it! It is all attempt to sap superior morale of Texans and commentariat of Mother Houston. Fans and players of Houston Texans will cower to no one!

Texans are allegedly 16 point underdog to vastly overrated “patriots,” but fear not, comrades. Our glorious Texans will beat spread by beating “patriots.”

The entirety of Texans’ season has been little more than magnificent rope-a-dope intended to dupe addle-minded “patriots” and all other opponents into believing only team of Texas will be easy victory. There has been much consternation by commentariat of Texans regarding frequent use of 50, 60, and 70-yard field goals scored by Texans’ All-Universe kicker Nick Novak. Demand has been for supreme juggernaut offense of Texans to score more touchdowns during wins. Great Leader O’Brien has heard your pleas to improve offense.

Comrades, our offense needs no improvement. The offense has all firepower necessary to bury enemies of Mother Houston in avalanche of points at any given time. To do so, however, according to Ministry reports, would be, in eyes of our Leader, “a vulgar display of power that cheapens a well-deserved victory.” Besides, honorable Texans fans, why use offensive firepower if there is never truly call for it? To prove it to other teams? Football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans have nothing to prove to the rest of league! To prove genius of O’Brien’s offense to others is to doubt offense, and there can be no doubt as to power and glory of mighty Houston Texans’ offense.

But Comrade O’Brien is not without sympathy for beloved commentariat. Come Saturday, the proficiency of Texans’ All Field Goal Offense will be augmented by Comrade O’Brien’s “Two Horns, One Fist Vengeful Bull” strategy reserved exclusively for game against fraudulent “patriots!”

Highly objective Ministry reports indicate that entire offense, from our Dear Leader, to the holder of the Order of Teh Schaub Brock Osweiler, to DeAndre Hopkins, all the way down to C.J. Fiedorowicz, has been on board with unorthodox, ingenious strategy for keeping teams on toes. Jeff Allen is only offensive player not on board, and as such is under investigation for actions against interests of Texans.

Unlike in previous matchup against Texans, Tom Brady, who like Sam Bradford is most likely serial killer, will be forced to swallow his abject cowardice and face defense of the Texans, strength of the people of Houston, for first time this season.

Brady, who may or may not have buried yet another Victoria’s Secret model in backyard, has already lodged complaints with referee Pete Morelli. In corresponding move surprising to nobody within the Ministry, Texans have already been assessed a 15 yard penalty for “daring to start a [superlative] defensive threat against [abject coward] Tom Brady.”

Although weak-willed coward, Tom Brady has shown nothing but scorn and arrogance against humble, hard-working Texans, football will of Houston, and her people. When asked about facing best defense in football and living nightmare of quarterbacks worldwide, Brady had only this to say to unbiased reporters from Ministry:

“They’re nothing. They are the mere buzzing of flies to me. This collection of patsies and chumps are going to get carved up like a delicious swimsuit model...I mean, delicious non-swimsuit wearing turkey. Even if they do threaten me, I still have the referees in my pocket. And if even one of the refs thinks about calling a penalty that displeases me, I know where their families live.”

Our glorious Texans have never had to stoop to threatening hardworking, if utterly inept, referees of league. All they ever ask for is fair game called well by officials. According to reports, it’s hard to say that officials have lived up to expectation.

Fear and intimidation appears to be constant in lesser England. Even coaches and front office staff members of the “patriots” are too timid to set foot away from middle of nowhere Massachusetts. Even in last few days, mediocre player personnel chief of the “patriots” Nick Caserio declined interview with hopelessly backward 49ers organization. While Caserio has been silent on matter, Dear Leader O’Brien has indicated that the reason behind this declined interview is due to equal parts fear of reprisal from mostly-confirmed cousin of Vladimir Putin, Bill Belichick, and knowledge of his own inadequacy.

Coaches and general managers that leave lesser England almost never succeed when they go out on own. Since Belichick’s usurpation of levers of power in lesser England, there has been only one person who escaped grim shadow of te bully and imperialist agitator Belichick and flourished; that, comrades, is our own Great Leader and Marshal of the Texans, Bill O’Brien. May he coach people’s football team of Texas for 10,000 years!

The thick fog of fear that surrounds this team can be attributed to complete ignorance surrounding “patriots;” ignorance within team that refuses to follow path of ultimate victory, upon which Texans currently march, and ignorance among populace of imperialist lesser England, as evidenced by lesser England sports radio chimpanzees.

Fans and squawkers of lesser England reveal vast ignorance when they claim J.J. Watt, Hero of the Texans Defense and paragon of virtue within the sports world, should be cut from team. This only shows that position of general manager for “patriots” is essentially interchangeable with other drones foolishly loyal to the “patriots.” Weak-minded fools who base football decisions on movie appearances seem to be highly qualified for role where their own ineptitude can be masked by the legion of incompetents that populate the team from lesser England.

It also ignores fact that living meatloaf Rob Gronkowski pollutes television airwaves with appearances in approximately 97% of all commercials shown in Mother Houston and greater Texans nation as whole. Such aggression cannot be tolerated by peaceful commentariat of Houston!

The time grows close and game looms large. Hearts and minds of proud, industrious Texans fans turn sour as memories of horrible letterman jackets designed, produced, and distributed by known traitors to Mother Houston Shaun Cody and Connor Barwin. Saturday will be new day for people’s football team of Texas. No longer will we have to think of those atrocious jackets and misery they have caused since then! No longer will fans and players of Houston Texans be scorned by outerwear! As answer to this fashion error, and part of the path forward to victory, Ministry of Information, in conjunction with the Ministry of Practical Goods, has developed pin which will be worn by every player on team come Saturday.

Pin will be worn by People’s Football Team of Texas in solidarity with people of Houston. We at Ministry of Information urge all fans loyal to Mother Houston and Texans to find and wear pin on Saturday. We must show football-watching world might of Texans, and that begins with the complete and utter annihilation of imperialist vermin from lesser England!

TRIUMPH OF THE TEXANS LEADS US ON!

The Ministry of Information has now taken the message of the inevitable victory of the Houston Texans to Twitter. For more truth from the Minister of Information himself, follow @BRBInfoMinistry. It’s your duty as a loyal member of the Texans commentariat!