Nobody gave them a chance. Nobody on television, nobody in the press, nobody in the blogosphere thought the Texans stood a snowball’s chance in hell of beating the Patriots or even really just keeping up with them.
Unfortunately, they were right. The Texans lost as expected, but it took a lot longer than expected for the game to get out of hand. But there was something good to come out of it. We got to see the Texans’ defense just beat the ever loving snot out of Tom Brady, which is always a fun time on television no matter the circumstances, and the defense kept this team in it for a good three-ish quarters of the game.
Then Brock Osweiler realized he wasn’t having enough of an impact, and that’s why there’s we’re seeing a Loony Tunes GIF on Monday instead of preparing for the Steelers.
The defense was more than admirable in their efforts on Saturday. They were superb. While it’s cold comfort to think how much better it would have been if Kevin Johnson and J.J. Watt were causing problems, it tantalizes the imagination to think of what this defense can do next year if they can keep it all together. As for the offense...well...I don’t want this post to be any more of a funeral post than it already is, so I’ll leave my thoughts on that elsewhere.
In the meantime, here’s the hive-mind discussing the Texans-Patriots game. Ordinarily, we replace all swears with the word “kitten” to make this safe for work reading. However, since I feel like doing something different, and this is my post, after all, all swears in this post have been replaced with the word “squirrel.” Because squirrels are funny.
Read on. I’ll catch with you at the end.
Pre-Game Thoughts:
UT
(to BRB Masthead) Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure complaining with y'all this regular season.
Weston
This is perfect, UT. I've enjoyed the games with y’all even though I haven't enjoyed the games at times.
BFD
People, let's remember tonight to keep our spirits up no matter the results. If we say anything bad about the head coaching, it'll just give Bill O'Brien a giant sad, and we'll never win.
BRC
Michael Irvin is saying Patriots going to be the first team since 1970 to shut out a team in the regular and postseason.
Kurt Warner says Brady will have 300+ yards and 4+ TDs.
They haven't been drinking the kool-aid, clearly.
I don't even think there's a point in getting angry tonight. I'm not going to get angry about something i predicted coming.
SCT
Michael Irvin just led a prayer circle for the Texans on live TV. Not even joking.
Luke
I wish I had beer in the house to play the Michael Irvin drinking game.
Weston
I'm at lasertag.
Diehard Chris
The entirety of NFL Network coverage that I've watched today, with SCT powerless to stop it, has been a slow motion train wreck.
Luke
Yeah, Overwatch and college work saved me from watching those pre-game shows.
(to Matt) I meant for later when the game is on.
Diehard Chris
I watched probably a total of an hour in between doing squirrel around the house and um... getting an early start on the drinking. I did play some Battlefield 1, though. Haven't played Overwatch but heard good things.
BRC
AFC Defensive Player of the Month Will Demps inactive tonight.
UT
The game hasn't even started yet and I'm already about to throw up due to all the Patriot squirrel-kissing.
Luke
Do we know who's calling the game? It's CBS, so please tell me it's JEEEEEM AND PHEEEL. I feel like nothing would end this season more perfectly than listening to a serial killer and Captain Obvious commentate over the slow and methodical dissection of this team.
UT
It's the playoffs. Of course it's Jim and Phil, because today does not want me to be even a little bit happy.
First Quarter:
BRC
Thank squirrel it's a touchback.
Luke
I'm also drawing up some rules for a drinking game, so far we have:
1 Sip for:
Anytime JEEEEM calls PHEEEEL his ''partner.''
Any PHEEEELisms ''You have to stop the run in order to win football games.''
Anytime there is a Texans pass completion.
Everytime Tyler Ervin muffs a punt.
Finish your drink if:
JEEM calls this a matchup between ''two great teams'' while one of the teams is down by 3 scores.
UT
Alcohol poisoning is a thing, you know.
Luke
So are runs to the outside zone, but just like whoever is running our offense, I don't believe in them.
(The Texans force the Patriots to punt)
UT
Holy squirrel, they stopped the Pats. That's novel.
BRC
Clowney came up big there
Luke
(to UT) Worthy of a novella.
MDC (in a cameo appearance)
Anyone else shocked that they didn't jump offsides on the punt or otherwise manage to give up a first down?
Mike
Tyler Ervin was on the field. Why?!
UT
And now the Patriots are playing Pitbull in their stadium.
They need to burn that stadium down.
(Dion Lewis blows right past Benardrick McKinney for an easy touchdown. Patriots lead 7-0)
BRC
Well, squirrel.
UT
Wow, that sucked.
Mike
And the obligatory "McKinney can't cover a back out of the backfield" play...
Luke
How many words do you think you would get into Chris Hogan's scouting report before you would hear the word "gritty"?
BFD
I'm having 2012 flashbacks over here. /looks for Bradie James.
UT
2012? Squirrel, I'm flashing back to earlier this year.
(Eric Rowe is called for an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty, resulting in a Texans first down)
UT
GLORY TO ALL PENALTY OFFENSE!
BRC
I'll take any offense I can get.
Luke
Eric Rowe didn't "DO HIS JAAAAAAAHHHHBBB."
Mike
Glory to Lamar Miller!
Was that a "good pass blocking" sighting?
UT
I wouldn't know, I've been watching the Seahawks all day.
BRC
C.J. nearly such a good play, not a bad release, just went up for it too early
You know what? Forgetting the fact we got the flag for a first down, we actually looked not terrible there
It's saying a lot when your benchmark is not terrible, but this is the Texans’ Offense 2016.
(Nick Novak kicks a 33-yard field goal. Patriots lead 7-3.)
UT
Glory to all field goal whatever.
(Dion Lewis returns a kickoff 98 yards for a touchdown. Patriots lead 14-3.)
Luke
Only three more field goals and we'll be ahead.
BRC
Well, there's that great special teams.
Mike
Sigh... so much for hanging with ‘em...
kdentify
Well, here's to hoping GB goes to work tomorrow so I don't have to deal with squirrels at work. Yikes.
BFD
Larry Izzo must think he still plays for the Patriots.
kdentify
So we're setting records for futility against the Pats? That's really great.
UT
(to BFD) We clearly cannot trust our coaching staff's loyalty against the New England Patriots.
Second Quarter:
(A.J. Bouye intercepts a Tom Brady pass)
BRC
That's a turn up for the books. We need something to go our way.
Mike
Yes! Bouye!!
UT
A.J. BOUYE DID A THING! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
REPEAT: A.J. BOUYE DID A THING!
kdentify
It's kind of sad that the mere completion of a pass by Brock to one of our receivers makes me happy. That's how low my expectations are.
And just after Brock excites me by completing a pass to our guy, he shows why something so simple (you know, not throwing an INT) is a crapshoot for us.
Mike
Maybe Osweiler doesn't know what the definition if "open" is?
UT
Did Phil Simms say the Texans' offense is more assertive?
Luke, get to drinking.
BRC
That screen was squirrel nice.
(Nick Novak kicks a 27-yard field goal. Patriots lead 14-6)
kdentify
So this week at work I was talking to colleagues about how the Texans will not win this game if we leave points on the field (i.e., get FGs instead of TDs). We're doing exactly what I said we couldn't do. This team has to get into the end zone to have any shot this game, and we've scored the fewest offensive TDs in the league.
Weston
(to BRC) It was 3rd and 16. Screens usually get yards when defenses are playing back.
Bill O'Brien is a hack for kicking a field goal there. This game is over.
SCT
Novak for MVP.
Mike
So, Bouye went from "I didn't get picked" on draft day to "I just picked Tom Brady" in the playoffs. That's pretty sweet.
Luke
What are the odds that, that last drive is the closest we're going to come to the endzone for the rest of the game?
(Dion Lewis muffs a punt, Texans recover the ball)
Mike
We got the BALL!!!!
BRC
WE TEXANS'D THE PATRIOTS.
ERVIN ERVIN'D DION LEWIS.
UT
HOLY SQUIRREL, TEXANS RECOVER A MUFFED PUNT!!!!
TEXANS WITH THE BALL IN THE RED ZONE AGAIN!
Luke
Beer numero uno is dunzo thanks to all the PHEEELisms.
UT
I know it's only the second quarter, but they NEED a TD here.
kdentify
If we respond to this TO with a FG, I will start drinking.
(As if in response, Brock Osweiler throws a touchdown pass to C.J. Fiedorowicz. Patriots lead 14-13)
BRC
That TD was so squirreling sexy,
Mike
BOOM!!!!
UT
I have so many feels right now!
Kdentify
OMG we got a TD!!! Squee!!! I honestly started clapping in joy because it's just so unexpected.
BRC
That play was squirreling gorgeous. Like I genuinely don't get where it came from because for once it was a well designed play,
SCT
Wow we aren't being completely blown out on national TV against the Pats. This is weird.
UT
The day ain't over yet. But at least we look competitive at the moment.
Weston
What in the world just happened?
That safety pooped the bed on that touchdown
kdentify
(to UT) There's the traumatized Texans fan I know and love. We know it can always get worse...
Mike
"10 unanswered points by the Texans" - best line of the playoffs.
BRC
Beautiful play design, Matt. He gon' got bamboozled by the bamboozler that is George Godsey
(Brady gets sacked)
kdentify
Good. Hit Brady. A lot. Hard.
UT
Oh my squirrel, they sacked Brady. That was just so squirreled sexy.
BRC
Mercilus destroyed the center there, then helps break Brady in halfk
Mike
Yes! Hit Him AGAIN!
BRC
XSF crushing fools, I like it
BFD
Sorry, it's blurry, but OMG:
(Osweiler’s pass to someone or other which clearly does not reach his intended target)
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UT
What am I seeing?
Luke
I want to marry RAC's interior blitz schemes.
Also that swat by Mercilus on the centre was nothing short of beautiful.
BRC
Ervin in concussion protocol, we won't have to see him muff punts most likely
UT
(to BRC) At last, things are looking up!
(to BFD) I'm going to mail this joke to 3 minutes ago.
This doesn't look like anything to me.
Squirrel what an awful pass.
BRC
Mercilus in coverage with a PBU? This is v. v. different
(Brady is sacked. Again)
UT
Another sack of Brady. I love this defense.
Mercilus winning quick again on the center. He continues to make me love himk
kdentify
This might be mean of me to say, but we could honestly hit Brady on every. single. dropback., and I still would think we hadn't hit him enough. I don't want his legs to break (unlike a certain Steelers fan friend of mine), but I do want him traumatized and crying on the field at the end.
UT
Please stop running Lamar Miller up the middle. Please.
Mike
Clowney needs to hit Brady. Then Mercilus again. Then Clowney. Lather. Rinse. Repeat.
BRC
THERE'S CLOWNEY.
Kdentify
So, erm, I need the secondary to stop doing that.
UT
KJax bouncing off of Julian squirreling Edelman.
(Texans get a goal-line stand against the Patriots at the one yard line)
Weston
I want Crennel to breastfeed me.
UT
This went to a very weird place.
BRC
Way to take it to the next level Weston.
Good tackle Eddie Pleasant. That was huge.
SCT
OH MY SQUIRREL, A GOAL LINE STAND. Way to keep them from taking that momentum, boys.
UT
I think that stop will be one of my all-time favorite sequence of plays I've ever seen as a Houston Texans fan.
Weston
I said on BRR this game would be close at the half and NE would break it open in the third
Luke
I think PHEEEL fears "going for it on 4th down" like most people fear spiders.
BRC
*hands over ears* I CAN'T HEAR YOU WESTON,
Halftime Reactions:
UT
I admire the Texans for keeping it close through one half. Can the Texans make adjustments for whatever the Pats have in store for the second half?
SCT
Win or lose, this team came to play tonight. They want to prove they aren't scared of New England, and I love them for that. Also, Clowney is incredible.
Weston
I'm just sad Brock Osweiler is the worst quarterback in the league. If they had anyone else back there, I would have hope this second half.
BRC
We do great on plays when Clowney and Merc get there quick, just as Weston said, but when we go 2 or 3 man rush and let Brady pick us apart, it's not working.
We did well on the goal line stand when went with a 2 man rush (although rushers came in late as Brady moved about in the pocket).
I think keep going with the 3 or 4 man rush and hope that we can lock up those coverages better, we came so close both times.
Whatever happens from here, I will be proud of this team for that stand on the goal line. That was some good squirrel.
kdentify
Our defense is showing why RAC is my favorite coach, while our offense is working to not be the millstone around the team's neck.
Capt Ron
I'm squirrel glad to see the defense doing amazing things to stifle Brady, and sort of wish that Clowney would have destroyed him when Tom made a run for the endzone near the end of the second quarter. There's a lot to be excited about for sure!! I love that the score is 17-13, but you'd think the Texans would have the advantage in that with benefiting from two turnovers. SQUIRREL Izzo needs to either suit up and take the field, or find a way to get these morons to play better on special teams coverage. The offense also needs to get its SQUIRREL together in the second half, because the defense is here to make a SQUIRREL statement.
Let's SQUIRREL go!!!
Third Quarter:
BRC
3 and out to start the half.
Gillette is like a library.
UT
I'll take a three and out.
Clowney is causing havoc. I don't think he's just feasting on garbage anymore.
Weston
XSF is pretty good, BFD.
kdentify
It's sad that I'm scared to believe...2013 traumatized me.
UT
They almost literally pantsed Osweiler.
BFD
Osweiler's down-field accuracy is so incredibly poor it's astounding.
BRC
Miller came to play this half.
kdentify
I need our OL to protect Brock. Yes, he's a super squirrelly QB but he's ours and I don't want him broken.
BRC
I'm just glad Brock didn't squirrel his pants and throw an INT.
Kdentify
That's a sign as to how bad we expect him to be.
Weston
Am I a bad person if I hope Osweiler stays down when he takes a hit? NE doesn't have a pass rush. I really think Tom Savage would be better.
BRC
Only if it's a finger injury or something Matt.
UT
Kareem Jackson, somehow, cannot cover Julian Edelman.
(Brady throws a touchdown to James White. Patriots lead 24-13)
kdentify
Alright, we clearly haven't hit Brady enough. Speed up the clock in his head (and, erm, cover Edelman).
UT
It was fun while it lasted.
Capt Ron
Well, at least we got two good quarters to start the game. Now the coaching adjustments kick in and Houston assumes the position.
(Osweiler throws his first interception of the game)
BRC
Ahh squirrel it.
UT
Oh, go squirrel yourself. Osweiler.
There's your Brock Bottom pick of the week.
Mike
Brockerception #1 folks...
Capt Ron
There's the WTF stare-down interception for Brock. Can we please put Savage in now?
Weston
He sucks .
I'll miss watching the Texans every week but I won't miss Osweiler.
BFD (master of understatement)
Brock Osweiler is an amazingly poor QB.
UT
Oh, look, Kareem Jackson not covering Edelman again.
(Jadeveon Clowney re-enacts his famous sack against Michigan in the 2013 Outback Bowl)
BRC
Clowney doesn't care about your hissy Brady.
kdentify
Poor Brady. Hit him again.
UT
It's kind of refreshing to see the Patriots squirreling about not getting calls. It's a nice change of pace.
Capt Ron
The defense improved the field position after the offense turned the ball over....just in time for the special teams to fail to jam a gunner and allow him to down the ball inside the 5. UGH!
Hop for a first down!
(Osweiler runs for a first down)
UT
RUNAWAY GIRAFFE!!!
BRC
The return of the scampering giraffe
kdentify
So here in DFW they're running a series of wonderful highlights of the Cowboys over the years. I'd really like to see them stop airing this because they lose to the Packers tomorrow.
(Osweiler is sacked while throwing the ball. Ball is ruled a fumble which the Patriots recover)
BRC
That's a pass, no way a fumble.
UT
It better be. Otherwise, this game is over; because the Texans can't beat both the Pats AND the refs.
Capt Ron
How do you fumble a ball forward for 15 yards?!! Do all NFL officials need to attend physics classes or something?
If this isn't an incomplete pass then I'm SQUIRREL done watching any more NFL games. I'm serious!
UT
Thank squirrel, changed to an incomplete pass.
Mike
If they woulda called that a fumble, I would have sworn off the NFL...
(Osweiler throws a bomb to Fuller in the end zone who promptly drops it)
BRC
Squirrel my squirrel up Fuller.
Kdentify
Mothersquirrel!
Mike
Fuller! You have ONE JOB!
UT
The one good, deep, ACCURATE throw Osweiler makes and Squirrelphlanges Fuller lets it go right through his grasp. Squirrel it!
Capt Ron
SQUIRREL Fuller! One good TD pass from Brock and you drop it!
Fourth Quarter:
(Andre Hal picks off Tom Brady. If you say you saw that coming, you are a filthy liar)
BRC
YES BOYS!
kdentify
YAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!
Capt Ron
Pick by Hal!
It won't matter though, because only the Texans could be losing to the Patriots after getting three rare turnovers from them. Any other playoff team would be kicking their livers in by now. This SQUIRREL offense is a historic disaster.
(Novak kicks a 46-yard field goal. Texans trail 24-16)
kdentify
Ron, you know our offense is allergic to the end zone. It's hilarious (yet sad) that the announcers keep calling this a one-score game. We're down by eight, so we need three FGs.
Capt Ron
Can we please put Savage in now?!!!
kdentify
Hit him again, JD. Harder next time.
Hit Edelman, too.
UT
Do SOMETHING with Edelman, because sure as squirrel Kareem Jackson won't.
BRC
Squirreling hit them all. Can't stand Brady's crying whenever he gets hit.
(Osweiler throws his second interception of the game)
BRC
well squirrel
kdentify
Oh, Brock. Brock you suck.
UT
Squirrel you, Brock Osweiler. Squirrel you right in the mouth.
(Dion Lewis runs one yard into the end zone for the touchdown. Patriots lead 31-16)
Kdentify
So, erm, my team's starting quarterback is quite welcome to squirrel off and die in a fire set by a relative.
Weston
That pick is the perfect end to this season.
Capt Ron
SQUIRREL you Brock!
Mike
Well, at least they did well for a little while...
kdentify
I need that pick to be the perfect end to Brock's time with the Texans.
You know, it helps when the OL pass protects. I mean, I know Brock is terrible and all, but getting Brock hurt to bring in Savage may not be being the best teammate they can be.
Capt Ron
They should cut Brock regardless of the cap hit. I don't even want him as a backup next year. The fact that they won't put Savage in leaves me without support for O'Brien as well. This offense friggin' blows!
UT
We're only 6 field goals away from turning this right around!
kdentify
See, Ron, and that's what's frustrating, because we were sold an offensive mastermind whose offense is putrid and is wholly dependent on RACs defense. If OB was a defensive mastermind, I'd be find with what the offense looks like, but when I'm told OB is an offensive guru and his offense refuses to score TDs, I'm not okay with it.
Capt Ron
I'm fully prepared to hear the news of O'Brien's resignation and the SQUIRREL end of the nightmare that is this SQUIRREL offense. Kyle Shanahan for head coach please!
kdentify
Can we keep RAC? Because I want RAC coaching this defense.
(Osweiler throws his third and final interception of the game)
kdentify
Lordt, well, that was an interception with urgency.
MDC
Who the SQUIRREL is Brock mad at after that INT?!?
UT
In the unlikely event that we lose BOB, RAC is gone.
I understand that Brock Osweiler is literally doing the best he can out there. But I have squirreling had enough of him. He is not the answer nor will he ever be the answer.
Capt Ron
Another pick. Overthrown pass for an interception? Squirrel you, Brock!
kdentify
(to MDC) If not himself, I don't know whom. He's such squirrel.
MDC
I don't think he has that level of awareness.
You know he's bad when kdentify is cursing without edits!
(Ed. Note: She really was. It was kind of amazing, really. You should’ve been there.)
kdentify
Oh, but UT, he is the answer. The question isn't "who is the Texans QB of the future," but he is the answer to a number of questions, like "who's the biggest FA bust of 2016?," "which player finally got Rick Smith fired?," and "who has replaced Matt Schaub and Brian Hoyer as Texans' fans most loathed player."
UT
I would agree with you Kdentify, except for question 2. Nothing short of a video emerging of Rick Smith shooting puppies will get him fired.
Capt Ron
Thank you to the defense for another great effort tonight and a wildly fun performance. They deserve to be paired with a better and more complimentary offense and special teams. Houston would be playing in the first-ever home game for a Super Bowl if they had even an average offense and QB.
Post-Game Reactions:
UT
Game and season over. Texans lose 34-16, and squirrel you for not beating the squirrel spread.
I didn't have money on the game, but I still wanted to see them beat the spread.
Let's get some postgame reactions.
Note: Just writing "squirrel" over and over ad infinitum does not count; besides, that's my postgame reaction.
kdentify
(to UT) Yeah, even as I typed it, I knew that was a pipe dream. Smith could have high def video of himself burning bunnies and worshipping non-Texan barbecue and he'd still have a job with this team.
Luke
Man, it's been a long season. I even squirreled up the score in the post-game recap title by 1 point. Just goes to show how one thing can ruin something entirely..............
kdentify
Well it wasn't as brutal as I expected it to be.
kdentify
It's interesting to see OB not being his usual squirrel self in the press conference. I think he's about to cry.
And him saying "we have to play better offensively," as though he hasn't started substandard quarterbacks for three seasons in a row and kept Godsey around for that whole time, too.
He'll be back, but will Brock? If the answer is yes, he's perfectly welcome to squirrel off down the road.
UT
I have no reason to think Brock won't be the starter again next year. Unless something happens during the offseason like drafting a quarterback or anything momentous, I fully expect Brock Osweiler to be our starter next year, and we won't have to worry about the Patriots in the playoffs again.
kdentify
I simply cannot believe that OB is willing to hand the starting job to a QB he benched for being squirrel during the season. If Savage can show development, or Rick brings in someone new to compete, I need to believe that Brock will be sitting on the bench or wearing a different uniform.
Hey! One more time, what do you say we give out some game balls?
Offense: I’m not sure we can really give one here, but that’s how this works, so I’m going to give one to Lamar Miller.
Defense: I want to give one to the entire defense for that goal-line stand, but if we have to go with a single player, I’m giving one to Jadeveon Clowney for smashing Tom Brady. That was pretty great.
How about you, gentle reader? Who gets a game ball for the season finale of Texans football? Let us know in the comments.