Hair of the Dog (Texans-Traitors): That Dog Just Ain’t Gonna Hunt

Well, that’s it folks. That’s a wrap on another season of Houston Texans football. Drive home safely.

/waits for crowd to call for an encore
//still waiting
///crowd begins chanting/hurling epithets

Oh, okay, I suppose we could do one more of these. That’s right, the regular season may be over, but the playoffs begin on Saturday for your favorite team and mine, the Green Bay Packers the Houston Texans.

But to get to that point, there’s still that one last meaningless game that we have to slog through first. It’s kind of like having a really frustrating dental appointment: you go in, you’re annoyed, and you get out; overall it went fine, but there was just that one friggin’ problem, namely the end result.

As always, any swears made during the thread have been replaced with the word “kitten” for your protection and work safety (Battle Red Blog: We Care).

First Quarter:

Luke

I think it's more grim that I just now realised that the BESF's mascot is actually a raccoon.

Also there is a tonne of empty seats.

UT

Fickle Traitors fans are fickle...and kitteny fans.

Luke

Also CBS needs to dedicate more funding to their CGI department.

Seriously the SFX on their TV shows look like they were done in MS Move Maker.

(Savage gets strip-sacked, the ball goes into the end zone for the Traitors to pick up. Traitors lead 7-0)

SCT

Lol wow

UT

Great job offensive line. Guh.

Capt Ron

Savage's first pass of the game was for -2 yards, followed by a sack-fumble recovered for a defensive TD for Titans. To think we’d miss “3 & out” THAT much! Mariah Carey just smiled knowing that her disaster trending from New Year’s Eve may finally slip into the shadows.

Luke

That H&R Block ad [with the exploding calculators] was originally for Samsung's new Note 7.

UT

And on the next possession, they get a flag on the return.

Oh, it's THAT game.

Capt Ron

First order of business whenever this season officially ends: fire the offensive line coach and offensive coordinator. There's no excuse for them to fail to see that overload blitz on the right side. I also question why Savage didn't recognize it and shift the protection to the right or call time out.

Luke

Every time Papa John smiles, it looks like he's in tremendous pain.

Much like I am whenever I have to watch Jeff Allen or Chris Clark.

Capt Ron

3rd and 7? Let's run a play designed to get 4 yards!

UT

(to Luke) Well they're asking him to do a legitimate smile instead of the kitten-eating Joker grin that he's had, I presume, since birth. I imagine that would be painful to do.

Luke

I like to think the producer for those ads is Lil’ Vickie and Papa John has to undergo dimpling before going on camera.

UT

Lil Vickie?

Luke

Really, UT?

UT

I can't know EVERY Simpsons reference, Luke!

Also, why do you have your helmet on, Osweiler? What do you think is going to happen here?

Capt Ron

He's listening to Mariah Carey songs.

MDC

It's probably for safety. He seems like the type who would accidentally run his head into door frames over and over.

Weston

Don't talk about my people like that. The hillbilly raccoon is my favorite thing about the Titans. I'm watching game film for the playoffs and will watch the condensed later.

UT

(to MDC) Harsh, but fair.

(to Luke) I don't know what's worse, that they have a raccoon for a mascot or that said raccoon's name is T-Rac.

Luke

I'm the same, Matt. I'm currently devoting all of my energy into Christian Hackenberg watch (HE TOOK AN ENTIRE YEAR TO GET DRESSED!)

(to UT) I don't know what's worse Pat, a feral animal or...........

UT

Third and long again. This is feeling familiar. Five yard play coming.

Mike

Just saw a report from Jay Glazer that O’Brien may be fired if Texans make early playoff exit. Wonder if Rick Smith will go with him...

Capt Ron

Texans' offense is finally past their own 20-yard line for the first time today. It only took FOUR series on offense to do it. Progress!

UT

(to Mike) I'll be shocked if O'Brien is fired.

I'll be dumbfounded if they actually fire Rick Smith.

Mike

I would be too. I'd also be shocked if Godsey wasn't...

Tim

Small difference, but it's an important one. Glazer reported that the team and O'Brien could mutually agree to part ways if they lose early in the playoffs. Nobody's getting fired; it'd just be O'Brien deciding he wants to move on and the Texans not stopping him from doing so.

Capt Ron

XSF in at fullback, and they don't get the first down on 3rd and 1. "Cute" plays don't work in the NFL. Someday O'Brien and Godsey may figure that out. Perhaps next year as they coach some backwater NCAA team where that stuff “might” work?

UT

(to Tim) Paging Notre Dame and/or Boston College.

Second Quarter:

(Tom Savage leaves the field after a less than great QB sneak attempt. Enter the Osweiler)

Dunsmore

OH MY KITTEN I’M HAVING COLT MCCOY FLASHBACKS!

UT

Holy kitten, Osweiler's on the field. Something ain't right with Savage.

Luke

ARE YOU FEELING IT NOW, MR.MCNAIR?

Capt Ron

QB sneak sends Savage into concussion exam by trainers; Brock takes the field. Someone please give R.A.C. the offensive play calling duties and send Godsey out to pick up some local BBQ. What’s the worst that could happen? I assume that this is essentially what "Airplane 3" would have looked like.

UT

Oh, don't tell me Savage hurt himself in a no-account game.

Do not tell me that we injured the best quarterback we have in a game that doesn't kittening matter.

Mike

Thanks for the clarification, Tim. That wouldn't surprise me.

Luke

All things considered. At least that throw was placed to the outside rather than leaving a chance for the DB to make a play on it.

UT

Savage in concussion protocol. The only good-ish quarterback we have is in concussion protocol after playing in a meaningless kittening game.

Capt Ron

The odds of successfully navigating O'Brien/Godsey's asteroid field of play calling are 3,720 to 1.

UT

NEVER TELL ME THE ODDS, CHEWIE...I MEAN, RON!

Mike

Jeff Allen should be replaced with a Gatordade cooler. It might actually slow someone down...

UT

If someone can tell me why dogs are using smart phones/tablets in that T-Mobile ad and have it make any kind of sense, I will pay you $1,000.

Capt Ron

3rd and 7? Let's get ONE KITTEN YARD on a crossing pattern check-down, and then give up a sack on 4th down!

This offense should get everyone not working for R.A.C. fired....today! Why give them a chance for further embarrassment next week?

Weston

Savage still hasn't shown he's good, but he's not the worst QB in the league. This is the most Bill O'Brien thing ever. Arian, Cecil, Tom.

(Quintin Demps intercepts a Matt Cassel pass)

UT

Quintin Demps with the pick and the business decision to get out of bounds.

After what's happened to Savage, I applaud Demps' business decision.

(Savage reported to have cleared concussion protocol)

Capt Ron

So O'Brien/Godsey will have Savage in at fullback then?

UT

No, that's already taken by XSF. He can play guard for XSF while he's at fullback.

(Nick Novak misses a 45-yard field goal)

UT

Even the all field goal offense isn't working today.

MDC

Doink.

My phone tried to autocorrect that to "Dong," as if even the phone knows how ugly this game is.

[Editor’s note: Yeah, THAT’s why.]

Capt Ron

Hopkins is ready to star in one of those Southwest Airline commercials ("Want to get away?") after that incomplete pass by Brock. A 6' 8" QB with the pass knocked down?

Luke

I've learned that the Texans don't actually start to play until the second half so until then.........

UT

This game needs some protester dangling from a wire next to a banner for some controversial thing or other, like what's happening at the Vikings game.

At least then it would be interesting.

MDC

Glad to see Brock is going to do his Brockiest to give the job back to Savage.

UT

Has anyone ever seen the movie "Dogma?" If so, you'll understand this joke.

This offense is the football incarnation of the Golgothan.

[Editor’s note: No, really, do NOT open this link if you are at work.]

Capt Ron

I've seen enough. I need to go help my daughter with something...like take her imaginary pet frog to the dentist. Anything other than watching this garbage.

Luke

(to UT) Isn't the Golgothan like a melted version of Frank from Donnie Darko?

UT

(to Luke) I need to see this Donnie Darko.

If Frank is a literal kitten monster, then yes.

Halftime Thoughts:

MDC

The only things that make this bearable are having already clinched and LOLhio State's meltdown last night.

Capt Ron

"Ribbit"

(hic)

"Ribbit"

Luke

Live Footage of the Texans’ offense:

UT

Savage going back in, thank goodness, per Texans Twitter.

Third Quarter:

UT

AND WHY IS KITTENING OSWEILER BACK ON THE FIELD?!

Weston

KITTEN, I'm going to have to watch this game now.

UT

Apparently BOB said Savage was going to start during the half.

Do you suppose he's just trying to kitten with everybody's head now?

Luke

Man, I just remembered that the new season of “Sherlock” starts in an hour. Man that's going to be a nice pallette cleanser after watching this.

UT

Hot kitten, we're in fantastic field goal position right now!

Weston

Super genius Bill O’Brien is trying to confuse the rest of the league in a meaningless game in a meaningless life in a meaningless world.

(C.J. Fiedorowicz makes a TD catch, Texans down 14-7)

UT

TEXANS WITH A TOUCHDOWN! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! THE TEXANS HAVE SCORED A LEGITIMATE TOUCHDOWN!

SOUND THE ALARM!!!

With that touchdown, the Texans are no longer tied for dead last in the league for TDs.

How much would it cost to get a foam finger made with "We're #31!" on it?

Luke

WAS THAT A ONSIDE KICK? I DO BELIEVE IT WAS!

UT

(to Weston) I didn't think the Texans’ offense was a Cormac McCarthy novel, but I can see the parallels.

Weston

Holy kitten Luke please GIF that Titans fan at 6:30 in the third quarter.

Also since we get playoff BRR this week I want to get anyone who could get it and would be down to move it to later to make it happen.

UT

Hopkins with the beautiful catch and run to get us into excellent field goal range.

(The drive stalls and the Texans kick a field goal. Texans trail 21-10)

UT

GLORY TO ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

Luke

Use this weeks BRR to stage a complete reading of ''The Sound and the Fury.''

UT

(to Luke) Podcasts can't be canceled, but that's how you'd cancel a podcast.

Fourth Quarter:

(Brock Osweiler runs like a drunken giraffe into the end zone. Texans trail 24-17)

MDC

More like Os-WHEEL-er, amirite?!?

UT

If said wheel were made of stone and an oval, yes.

Post-Game Thoughts:

Weston

I can't believe I watched this game.

Hey, let’s give out some game balls! It’s a tradition. Somebody’s gotta get a ball.

Offense: I don’t want to say it, but Brock Osweiler gets the game ball. He was involved in both of the Texans’ TDs and didn’t completely soil himself, which is really the best we can hope for at this point.

Defense: Let’s go with Quintin Demps. After about halfway through the game, all the starters were benched anyway and he made the only really notable play of the day.

Got any difference of opinion in who should get these fictitious game balls? Let us know in the comments!