BRB Ministry of Information Special Report: George Godsey

By now, comrades, you may have heard from disreputable non-Ministry sanctioned news sources that George Godsey and our glorious Houston Texans have had “mutual parting of the ways.” Is entirely understandable that such shocking news would be taking with grain of salt due to untrustworthy nature. However, it is with great sadness that ever-impartial, ever-reliable Ministry of Information must announce that these reports are, in fact, correct.

George Godsey is traitor to football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans. His performance as vice marshal of offense has been deemed insufficient toward ultimate aim of yet another Houston Texans championship. His ineptitude, however calamitous to Texans’ offense, is not what makes him vile traitor that he is. What does make him traitor and enemy of people of Houston is that his failure of duty to comrade O’Brien, comrade McNair, and the entirety of Footballburo of Mother Houston was fully intentional with all malice aforethought.

These accusations, gentle comrade, do not come lightly, nor are they fabricated like so much negative drivel against people’s football team of Texas. You may also wonder why you have not heard these allegations of high treason from other sources who twist their stories to fit own perverted ends; and what prompts your only reliable source of information to levy these charges.

Wonder no longer, comrades! The Ministry of Information has obtained transcriptional evidence from the Texan People’s Court for Football Justice as to nature and severity of Godsey’s abject disloyalty to Texans and people of Texas.

We at Ministry feel it is our duty, no matter how grim that duty may be, to explain facts of the case to you, the people of Houston. You are worthy of knowing truth that would otherwise be distorted and omitted by those media outlets who would be satisfied with traitor running unstoppable offense of Dear Leader O’Brien!

It is unclear when traitor Godsey decided to turn against people’s football team of Texas. What is clear is that betrayal began shortly after he was named offensive vice marshal of the Houston Texans. As vice marshal of offense, he took sound, victorious methodology of our Great Leader, which produced successful offense week-in and week-out, and attempted to make proud Texans’ offense, envy of football, into running joke.

Fortunately for commentariat of Mother Houston, our most wise and beneficent leader realized problem and developed highly-successful All Field Goal Offense to counter putrid effects Godsey had on our glorious Texans.

This was only first indication that vermin Godsey had turned his back against Texans. Telling difference between outright treason against fans of Mother Houston and simple incompetence is problematic. Fortunately for people of Houston, Texans found highly damning evidence that proved most egregious treason of Godsey was not mere incompetence.

Upon searching his office, dutiful investigators of Texans discovered letterman jacket tucked away underneath Godsey’s desk, card with enemy of state Bill Belichick’s private number, which was decorated with little red hearts drawn around it, which we assume was done by Godsey himself, and receipt from Best Buy in Mexico City with only items purchased being six green laser pointers. Coward Godsey, who during his tenure as false “patriots” tight end coach may or may not have hired Aaron Hernandez for unique services, has admitted to all of these objects being his and, in full confession, admitted that all of these heinous actions were done of his own volition and without regard for only football team of Texas.

Inquisition, led by discoverer of Godsey’s treachery, comrade Vrabel, resulted in criminal Godsey sobbing like lost child at his actions and telling in greater detail his faithless actions against Texans:

I confess here and now, to the people of Houston, Supreme Leader O’Brien and fellow comrades of the Texans that I have been disloyal to the team. Consequently, I plead guilty to what directly follows from my actions, the sum total of crimes committed by my counter-revolutionary activities.

Those counter-revolutionary activities that subversive Godsey admitted to include but are not limited to following:

• Teaching poor quarterback mechanics to “adjust” Brock Osweiler to complex, unknowable system of our glorious leader, comrade O’Brien; result being Hero of Texans Offense throws ball that looks like wounded poorly-shaped meatball. Adjustments include such foolish tactics as “aiming the ball at receiver,” “throwing ball as though defenders were not on field,” and “only throw to receivers short of first down marker/end zone.”
• Sending highly-classified tapes of Texans’ practices to multiple other teams weeks in advance. Teams specifically mentioned by traitor Godsey include false “patriots” of lesser England (no surprise there), baby horses of Indianapolis, and unnecessarily hirsute Vikings of Minnesota.
• Advising field goals to Supreme Leader, who placed immeasurable trust in his underling’s ability to do job, when offense was more than capable of obtaining needed yardage for first downs.
• Hiring unseen agents to shine lasers in the eyes of his quarterback in attempt to cost glorious Texans victory in Mexico City.
• Intentionally calling running plays up the middle with full awareness that comrade Miller is best used on plays going around either side of offensive line.
• Referring to our Dear Leader as “poopypants who doesn’t know his chin from a hole in the ground.”
• Sabotage of offensive line by tearing Derek Newton’s tendons using little known divot in Denver’s turf.
• Sabotage of offensive line by lying to Marshal of Texans Rick Smith stating that Jeff Allen would be just as good offensive lineman as Brandon Brooks.

When asked by Texan people’s inquisition why he undertook such steps against Texans, the subversive Godsey admitted that plan was to bring disgrace to our great leader, comrade O’Brien, by making offense of Texans, his pride and joy, look awful, forcing Rick Smith to fire him and then allowing traitor to take O’Brien’s place as new Leader of people’s football team of Texas. In doing so, he confessed to his complete and utter failure to put team first.

For his crimes against Mother Houston and fans and players of Houston Texans, traitor Godsey has been “dealt with” by team to whom he swore his alleged undying loyalty. He is first noteworthy name of what is likely to become new round of excisions to keep team loyal to people and city of Houston and to Supreme Leader O’Brien.

As comrade Vrabel was one who discovered this foul betrayal, he has been awarded award “People’s Coach of the Houston Texans” and been named as new vice marshal of defense for our glorious team. Previous vice marshal, Romeo Crennel, has also been promoted to title Admired Leader, half step below spot held by Supreme Leader O’Brien.

Let this be lesson to you, dear comrades. Do not stray from path of triumph that our glorious Texans remain upon. Is incumbent upon football-loving fans and players to remain vigilant against enemies of state such as lowly worm Godsey!

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