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BRB Ministry of Information’s Playoff Preview: Oakland Raiders

This is the only playoff preview the football-loving fans and players of the Houston Texans will ever need.

We are at war with Oakland. We have always been at war with Oakland.
Photograph made by Capt Ron

Rise for Hymn of Football Team of People of Texas:

Rejoice comrades, playoffs have arrived and our Texans continue to march toward inevitable Super Bowl triumph! After their success in insignificant game against utterly insignificant opponent, eyes of NFL and football fans around the world are firmly fixed on our beloved Houston Texans, champions of only division that matters, the envy of football world, and one true threat to entire AFC.

To that end, NFL, as token of their great admiration for football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans have given them pride of place as opening matchup for wild card round. As all true football fans know, first game is most important one on slate, so is little surprise that Texans would receive such consideration.

Our glorious Texans’ pitiful opponent, and minor sacrificial object for wild card victory, is foe faced earlier this year that Texans would have won if not for mischievous fans and referees in Mexico City: The Oakland Raiders.

Not content with their invasion and subsequent repellence from Mexico City, Raiders now storm into very bosom of Mother Houston intent on interfering with rightful course of Texans’ destiny as Super Bowl champions.

But first there is internal matter that Ministry of Information must address. It has come to attention of Minister that certain rumors have arisen among the loyal commentariat of Houston Texans that there is sense of disunity and rancor between our Great Leader Bill O’Brien and Marshal of Texans Rick Smith. This untruth has spread from various badly-misinformed national sources, such as Jason Cole and full-time MMA trainee/part-time sports writer Jay Glazer.

Our highly-placed incorruptible Ministry sources are happy to report that rumor is little more than base falsehood placed by Raiders’ coaching staff in cowardly attempt to create dissension within ranks of mighty Houston Texans. Furthermore, Ministry has visual evidence that relationship between Great Leader O’Brien and Marshal Smith has never been better.

Just the other day, our reporters caught the two of them out for day at park, ostensibly on their way to picnic that had been on schedules for weeks now.

Observe their smiling faces. All Texans fans should hope to be as happy with their compatriots as our Great Leader is with Marshal Smith!

Such low cunning is common for team like Raiders, who have shown their true colors in their trickery and their willingness to abandon their homeland of Oakland for Las Vegas to satisfy their owner’s love of money and really terrible haircuts. Because it is only in Las Vegas where vile creep like Mark Davis would have any hope of attracting female attention looking like reject from Benedictine monastery.

Ever since devious machinations by Raiders and their flunky referees in Mexico City, that team has been cloaked in veil of arrogance leading them to believe they can take on any team under any circumstances. For this game, deceitful Raiders have pulled out all stops.

The shadow campaign perpetrated by head coach Jack of River was only first example of their unmitigated hubris. To think that learned fans of glorious Houston Texans would fall prey to such feeble-minded scheming is nothing short of ludicrous. But their hubris does not end there, comrades. Jack of River, in true show of his inherent vanity and that of his team, has decided to bench longtime nemesis of Texans and highly-overrated quarterback Derek Carr for Saturday’s game. He has instead opted to start third stringer Connor Cook, a miserable whelp from football backwater of Michigan State, to lead arrogant Raiders onto honorable field of NRG Stadium.

When asked about his absurd plan, which is most certainly doomed to failure, Jack of River could have told scrupulously honest Ministry reporters:

I think we can win with Connor. To be honest, I think we can beat these chumps without even starting a quarterback. I just put one in because the rules dictate that we have to put a quarterback on the field. The—it’s the Texans, right?—Texans’ defense is vastly overrated and has been all season. Besides, even if Cook struggles, I know I have friends on the field watching out for me.

Cook, who has been disliked by every teammate he’s played with from pee-wee football to professional level, has also shown his own level of hubris about tomorrow’s game. probably saying:

I’m totally ready to start in the playoffs. All I need to do is fall back on my experience as a big game quarterback when I was in college and I’ll be fine. I took on Alabama last year and now I’m going up against a much less talented defense. If this is the best they can show me, then I’m going to do just fine. Better than fine. I’m going to run these guys off the field.

Ministry laughs heartily at utter foolishness of loudmouth who boasts of his performance against Alabama in Cotton Bowl

The defense of our Texans, strength of people of Houston, had nothing to say about this, as they are more modest and prefer to let their superlative play and top-rated yardage defense do talking for them rather than run mouths like certain spiteful children.

There is also possibility that Raiders will be without key offensive lineman on Saturday. Donald Penn, Raiders’ left tackle, in show of support of people’s football team of Texas, has waffled with his imperialist masters about whether he plans to start Saturday. Official word from highly dubious Raiders media outlets claim that he suffered knee injury during their game against the insignificant and playoffless Denver Broncos (perhaps if the great Brock Osweiler, only starting quarterback the Texans have known this year, had not fled to Mother Houston, they might have made playoffs again). Highly truthful Ministry of Information sources were maybe able to get this quote from Penn:

It was bad enough that Coach insisted on getting those referees hookers, coke, and festive gilded sombreros while in Mexico City, but now he’s pulling this crap in the playoffs? Does he think we can’t win without pulling such stupid [CENSORED]? He must think the Texans are better than us. I don’t want to play for a coach that doesn’t trust his team, and I don’t want to play for a team that doesn’t believe in its own ability to win. I might play, but they gotta make it worth my while.

Jack of River’s hubris will be his team’s undoing, and he will have nothing and nobody to blame for it but himself.

The playoffs beckon, comrades. Take up your jerseys, your full-throated support and stand with people’s football team of Texas, our glorious Texans!

To inevitable triumph, our glorious Texans lead us on!

Minister of Information now shares the only knowable truth about glorious Texans on Twitter. Follow now @BRBInfoMinistry to learn of his great wisdom!