Hair of the Dog (Wild Card Edition): Dogs On Parade

The way these playoffs are shaping up, it could possibly turn into a big revenge tour for our Houston Texans. First they demolish the Raiders at home (sure, Oakland was down to their third string QB, but who cares?). Next they go to New England, where nothing bad has ever happened to the Texans, and if they win (stop laughing) that game, they could end up facing Kansas City for the AFC championship.

No, seriously, stop laughing.

I know, I know, one game at a time and all that, but no matter the circumstances, it still feels pretty dang good to get a win in the playoffs. Let’s just hope next week gets us a second one (this is the last time I’m going to tell you, stop laughing).

I won’t keep you long with this preamble because the rest of the post is going to be long enough on its own.

As always, all swear words have been replaced with the word “kitten” for work safety purposes. It’s our thank you gift for being a loyal donor...I mean, reader.

Pre-Game Thoughts:

Capt Ron

“BoB” is the entertainment today. That's kind of interesting considering the initials.

GO TEXANS!!

BRC

BoB also believes the earth is flat, the moon landing is fake, and that alien abductions are linked to government cloning centers. That's entertainment enough.

UT

You mean that's not true?

BRC

Texans only have 3 active WRs today. Who needs to pass the ball anyway?

UT

Osweiler's throwing the ball, so it's not like anybody's catching anything anyway.

Luke

''And Lo Osweiler wept, for there was no one else to throw to.''

Capt Ron

Setting up the "All Field Goal Offense," I see.

UT

Clay Walker doing the national anthem. Bob McNair can friggin' keep it.

BRC

Not wanting to jinx it but, anything but a kick return TD for the Raiders on the opening kickoff, please Izzo.

Vega

Ok, I've got some pork braising in the oven in an ancho/guajillo and homebrewed chocolate stout sauce, and I'm drinking champagne. Bring it, kitteners.

First Quarter:

UT

And of course they mention how the first play went last year.

SCT

Oh yay, 3rd and 7. This should go well.

BRC

Well, a first down is not what I saw coming.

There's the first near pick of the day, forcing it to a tight end. Colour me surprised.

UT

And a semi-promising drive ends with a punt. Quelle surprise.

Good punt by Lechler, at least.

Vega

I can't tell you how much I was hoping for the Connor Cook vs. Tom Savage game. Not so much because of my disdain for Osweiler (though that is true), but mostly because the idea of an NFL playoff game with Savage playing the role of "savvy veteran" would have been hilarious.

BFD

The Old Poodle Offense was dry humping that table leg, thinking "I'm going to make it this time!", right before it collapsed from exhaustion.

BRC

That wasn't a bad scramble, almost got us to FG range.

Great punt there, maybe we can get a safety and win 2-0.

Luke

My nightmares are haunted by Jon Gruden's accent.

Capt Ron

They crossed mid-field on the first series before punting.

#progress

Not "playoff caliber" mind you, but that's at least “moving the needle” for this offense.

UT

Nobody wants to be haunted by Chuckie, Luke.

BRC

My heart was in my mouth as that ball floated in the air. If only.

UT

Clowney with the swat and the J.J. finger wag.

Oh, I like this guy.

Vega

For all the talk about whatever may or may not happen to BOB, I just hope that I can witness one season of Clowney, Watt, and Mercilus playing under Romeo. I will be your Juliette.

BRC

J.J. on the sideline looking like a proud dad.

Capt Ron

Clowney and Bouye with plays on that series. I do love this defense!

Points will be scored in this next offensive series for Houston. I have no idea which team will get the points, but I smell points. Unless that's just the chili coming up to speed in the kitchen.

BRC

Did he just say solid special teams and Texans in the same sentence?

UT

I'm sure he was being ironic.

BRC

Do ESPN do irony?

UT

Not intentionally. That's what makes it so ironic.

Luke

Well, they claim to be the worldwide leader in sports and yet don't seem to cover snooker, so.......yes.

UT

Cover...what?

(Nick Novak kicks a 50-yard field goal to start the scoring and fulfills Capt Ron’s prophecy. Texans lead 3-0)

Capt Ron

“All Field Goal Offense” takes the field. What a surprise!

UT

GLORY TO ALL FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

Vega

I've taken some dumps that were pretty solid. That seems comparable.

BRC

It's one of the only sports that is more dull than our offense, UT.

But remember boys and girls, this is PROGRESS. No longer a shutout!

UT

(to BRC) That's like dividing by zero. It doesn't make any sense.

Luke

(to UT) It's like pool, but if everyone was dressed in three piece suits without the jackets.

Also ''The ByeBye Man''? It's the Boogeyman for the millennial generation.

BRC

Whitney Mercilus getting there after lining up at inside linebacker. I love this defense.

UT

This defense is not kittening around today.

Helps when your opponent is trotting out the only quarterback that's worse than your own.

(Jadeveon Clowney bats a pass in the air, juggles it and comes down with the interception of Connor Cook)

BRC

CLOWNEY IS BAE, CLOWNEY IS LIFE

Vega

Watching this defense against Connor Cook is going to be a true pleasure.

SCT

SEND IN THE KITTENING CLOWN.

UT

OH MAN I so, so, SOOOOO wanted Clowney to J.J. Watt that ball into the end zone.

HOT POTATO HOT POTATO HOT POTATO!

Vega

Clowney just stopped from going all J.J. Watt in his first playoff game. Please, just let them be on the field together next year!!!

UT

Fantastic field goal range here.

(Lamar Miller runs the ball into the end zone for a touchdown. The drive takes all of one play to score. Texans lead 10-0)

BRC

HOUSTON HAS AN OFFENSIVE TOUCHDOWN FROM INSIDE THE RED ZONE IN THE PLAYOFFS.

BFD

As much as we make of the Texans’ offense, is this game now out of reach for the Raiders? Especially against this defense.

Dear Romeo: I love you so very much.

UT

That interception and touchdown made me feel things that are inappropriate for watching a football game.

Capt Ron

Great job by Clowney for the pick! Demps tackled the running back, which was brilliant since a tipped pass negates interference, and gave Clowney time to bring it in.

Vega

Was just thinking the same thing, BFD. Tough to see Cook putting up 10 against this D, and we've got at least three more FG in us.

BRC

I can see Oakland struggling to get out of their own half without a turnover by Brock. This might be enough.

Capt Ron

Lamar Miller on the outside for pay dirt? Hey, O'Brien! There's a formula that should work, eh? EH? 17 games and finally an outside run for a score.

Luke

Is this game our reward for sitting through an entire season of this offense?

BRC

D.J. Reader feasting there. I'm excited for him next year.

UT

D.J. Reader just turned Cook into a friggin' bobblehead.

Vega

So who comes in if Cook gets hurt? And, yes, I'm too lazy to just Google the depth chart.

UT

I think McGloin is still the backup.

BRC

McGloin is actually okay to go, but not 100% so they went with Cook.

Luke

McGloin is active as the backup.

BRC

"Steve Palazzolo ‏@PFF_Steve 1m

1 minute ago

Raiders LT Donald Penn allowed only one sack all year. Backup Menelik Watson just allowed his third"

I think that says a lot about how injuries have affected the Raiders.

Luke

Does outlandish kittenishness come with being a GMC owner?

Because that's what i'm getting off of that ad.

(Raiders on offense, ball thrown to Michasel Crabtree is ruled incomplete. The Raiders challenge the ruling)

SCT

That's definitely a catch.

UT

Ruling is confirmed. Texans about to get the ball back.

The tip hits the ground. Not a catch.

Luke

Just the tip?

BRC

The Raiders just did a Texans on special teams.

UT

(to Luke) No, outlandish kittenishness comes with being a Lexus owner.

You obviously didn't see those Christmas ads.

Vega

I'm in the market for a truck, and I would totally go for a GMC if they weren't so kitten expensive.

BRC

OPI??? How???

Capt Ron

CJF gets held, and then flagged? KITTEN NFL refs!

Followed by another Izzo special on coverage.

Vega

Look, I've been drinking for a while, but neither of the C.J. Fiedorowicz that I was watching committed OPI on that play.

BRC

Izzo gets no blame for a missed tackle and a missed holding call on that return.

Capt Ron

That's fair. Izzo can't make the tackles for these guys.

(Latavius Murray scores the easy touchdown. Texans lead 10-7)

Vega

Looks like it's going to be a shootout, kids!

UT

Alfred Blue returning kickoffs now. Well, at least it's not Tyler Ervin.

(Botched snap nearly results in a lost fumble by Brock Osweiler)

UT (cont’d)

Kitten, we almost didn't even get to the inevitable Osweiler interception.

BFD

What the kitten was Osweiler doing on that snap, FKS.

Capt Ron

Osweiler was the poodle on that play.

UT

Isn't he always the poodle? I thought Osweiler was always BFD's poodle.

Second Quarter:

BFD

(to UT) Kitten that. Benardrick McKinney is MY poodle.

Khalil Mack wants some screen time, as well.

UT

This analogy went to a weird place.

Quintin Demps is questionable with a hamstring injury.

BFD

Speaking of questionable, so is Cook's arm strength.

Capt Ron

Here comes the giraffe-poodle returning to the field. Someone get some lasers in his face. It helped last time in Mexico.

UT

Giraffe-poodle? The kitten is this, the Island of Dr. Moreau?

Vega

[Demps] was questionable as a Safety too.

BRC

An out route to a TE? Never seen that before.

Hmm that patience by Miller.... Foster-esque. dare I say?

UT

And we were worried about only having three wideouts. Nothing to worry about, all he's going to do is throw it to the Polish Hat all day.

Vega

Did anyone else's heart just jump after that Hopkins hit?

UT

Is someone going to have to decapitate DeAndre Hopkins before a flag gets thrown for helmet to helmet?

BFD

He's as runner. It's the right call.

Capt Ron

The NFL isn't serious about player safety or concussions. Plain and simple.

(Nick Novak kicks a 38-yard field goal. Texans lead 13-7)

UT

GLORY TO MOSTLY FIELD GOAL OFFENSE!

BFD

With the Texans’ scheme, it's like they're attacking the middle of the field where the Raiders’ LBs are poor. I wonder who might've mentioned this strategy on BRR Tuesday night.

Oh, right, Big Matt and I. #winning

BRC

To be fair that wasn't a bad drive, 75 yards is pretty decent for us

How do they muff a punt and still get to the 25?

UT

(to BRC) Yeah, but using one of our two good drives to get a field goal is not the best use of resources. And I think we both know the answer to that other question.

BFD

Connor Cook throws an incredibly ugly ball.

UT

(to BFD) Uglier than Osweiler?

BRC

Ho boy, that pass breakup by Joseph was sexy.

BFD (about Cook’s throws)

He doesn't have anything on those throws, either. Yikes.

(to UT) Better mechanics than Osweiler, but he has no arm strength. Doesn't get any torque on the ball on release, either. Cook comes nowhere close to passing the eyeball test.

Capt Ron

J.J. Watt was cleared to return to full football activities? If you could have brought him back, there might not be any Raiders points on the board right now, or next week against the Patriots.

BRC

Brock Market has to be the worst thing I've seen all season

Capt Ron

Griffin with a missed block. He got smoked like a ham! That sack is on him.

Luke

(to BRC) Doesn't even show how much the yen is worth..........

UT

(to BRC) Because the Brock Market keeps friggin' crashing!

BRC

Never seen a QB look worse on a scramble.

Capt Ron

(to BRC) His valuation is higher in the U.K though thanks to the BREXIT.

BFD

Osweiler's best skill as an NFL QB is as a scrambler. That's saying something. Probably not anything good.

UT

How are his quicks as a runner, BFD?

Luke

Who let Brooks Reed back into the building?

BFD

More trashy, uber conservative play calling. I bet BOB has all his money in savings accounts because CDs are just too kitten risky.

Capt Ron

Why does Brock raise his left arm ole’ style on every hand off?!! At 6' 8" with his arm in the air, he may as well put a flashing arrow on the running back. KITTEN moron! At least try to fake it a little.

BFD

(to UT) Baby giraffe-like. Newborn baby giraffe like, first time walking, nearly faceplanting at every step, he somehow doesn't hurt himself baby giraffe like.

UT

Kitten, just about everybody's almost picked off Connor Cook.

Luke

Who was Cook trying to throw to there?

(Osweiler throws a deep ball to Hopkins which, somehow, ends up being completed for a 38-yard completion)

BRC

Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiitten, a deep ball completed.

SCT

NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUK.

UT

HOLY KITTEN, NUK! That really happened, right?

Capt Ron

HOP!

(Osweiler connects with Hopkins again, this time for a 2-yard touchdown pass. Texans lead 20-7)

BRC

DOUBLE NUK.

UT

That was a fantastic drive and I'm still not sure I believe it happened.

Capt Ron

We may see joyful Brockadile tears if this keeps up.

BFD

It's just as if throwing the ballo to #10 would produce good things. Who knew?

BRC

John McClain ‏@McClain_on_NFL 1m1 minute ago

O is 12 of 18 for 146 yards, 1 TD, 0 INT, 8.1 average per attempt, 110.0 rating. Brock Osweiler!!!

Capt Ron

Cook was still inside the tackles and he drilled it into the ground with no receiver nearby? WTK is up with NFL refs?

UT

Raiders' center is down and looks pretty badly hurt.

BFD

So far, this is literally [Osweiler’s] best game of the season.

BRC

Better than the Colts wins BFD?

BFD

That's Rodney Hudson, and he is very good. I wanted him when he was a FA a couple years ago.

UT

(to BRC) Osweiler was garbage for all but maybe 8 minutes of that [Colts] game.

Luke

This is right up there with the Bears game for how enjoyable it is to watch.

BFD

(to BRC) I don't think he's had a QB Rating over 100 this year, so yes.

Halftime Thoughts:

Capt Ron

Best two consecutive quarters of football I have seen from Houston this season.

BRC

Offensive wise, yes Ron. Defense has been this good nearly all season

UT

I don't know about that. I think the defense has kicked it to another level for this game.

BFD

I've been trolling Raiders fans all game on Facebook. #winning

Luke

What's a worse slogan? ''CATCH THOSE DEBATES!''? or ''EMBRACE DEBATE''?

I honestly can't decide.

Tim has been pure gold on Twitter tonight.

BRC

Just looked, can confirm Tim is in great form.

Third Quarter:

Luke

(re: Tim on Twitter) I've never seen someone tell someone else to eat a kitten in a more polite and cordial way.

UT

And now Mercilus is making up for when they double up Clowney.

I can't wait to see Watt with this defense next year.

BRC

We need a counter for how many times that gets said, UT.

However, it gets no less true every time.

UT

Ervin retrieving punts. Lesson clearly not learned on special teams.

Capt Ron

I want so many refs to burn in the fire of the sun. It's so unacceptable how subjective and influential they are in so many games. Not just Houston games, but across the league.

BRC

@SeanTPendergast I have no clue how Rick Smith cloned Keyshawn Martin into Keith Mumphrey & then doubled down & cloned them into Tyler Irvin.

Tweet of the night

UT

Please tell me that BOB isn't already turtling up.

Vega

I just have one thing to say. My tacos were AMAZING!

BRC

You're making me jealous, Vega.

Vega

A toast of bubbly to you, BRC.

BFD

Texans giving both Wilfork and Reader a lot of snaps together. Literally daring Cook to throw the ball. The results have been HIGHlarious.

SCT

They need to take Cook out of the game for his own safety.

BRC

Can I just take a moment to appreciate that Rick Smith got Whitney Mercilus signed for 6.5mil a year for 4 years? Cause that is a steal.

Capt Ron

I'd buy your recipe book, Vega.

UT

They've turtled.

Luke

(to UT) What were you expecting? They've never played with a lead like this before. It's completely new territory.

tGC

I, personally, am a huge fan of the 2nd-and-10 run up the middle.

Vega

Mercilus is absolutely killing it right now.

UT

(to Luke) Expecting? I don't know. I had hoped they wouldn't go to "eat the clock" territory just yet though.

And did Gruden just call Amari Cooper "Alice Cooper?" Because if so I salute him.

Luke

I think it was ''Now it's Cooper'' but I'm all for living in the same world you are, UT.

tGC

EXCITING NFL PLAYOFF FOOTBALL!

Luke

A FB run..............

UT

Which somehow worked. Nothing about this game makes sense.

BFD

We've gone into the prevent offense with five minutes left in the third quarter. Hooray!

UT

I contend we went into prevent at the start of the half.

Luke

4th and 1 and punt.................

SCT

I would love it if we could stop kittening throwing drag routes on third down.

Capt Ron

So who called a play for Fuller to be a yard short of a first down? Is there some kind of curse in Houston with these play calling Denny's menus?

BRC

Jadeveon Clowney keeping up with Amari Cooper on that reverse (reverse??) doesn't even make sense with how big he is

UT

End around, reverse, they're the same thing.*

*Not really.

Vega

So, my in-laws live on a farm, and my sister-in-law teaches agriculture at a high school in the middle of nowhere, Florida. She often has students come to work at my in-law's farm. I contend that the Farmers Only commercials do not adequately reflect the ladies of the country.

tGC

(to Luke) To be fair, it was a long 1, like 1.49 or something like that.

Luke

Wait Vega, THEY'RE NOT ALL HILLBILLIES?!?!?

UT

I always imagine Farmers Only has three options when creating a profile: M, F, and S for Sheep.

BRC

Jack Del Rio looks a broken man.

Luke

That was a baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad joke, UT.

UT

(to Luke) I admit, I felt a bit sheepish afterward.

Luke

(to UT) I think you need to be put out to pasture.

(Tyler Ervin catches a punt and returns it for a touchdown, only to have it negated by a running into the kicker penalty.)

BRC

Tyler Ervin has his one good play ever, and we kitten it up with a penalty.

UT

You have to be kittening kidding me.

The one time, THE ONE TIME, Tyler Ervin does anything worth a kitten and it doesn't kittening matter because of a running into the kicker penalty.

Kittening kitten it.

Luke

Bill O'Brien went a rather scary shade of red there.

(On the retry, Ervin muffs the punt spectacularly. Texans recover)

BRC

Of course he then follows it up with another muff.

UT

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAA!!!!

Kitten you, Tyler Ervin.

BFD

Tyler is so bad. So very, very bad.

Vega

I swear to Kitten, I almost wrote "$10 says he muffs it, now", but I didn't hit send because I didn't think it would get sent in time.

UT

Luke, I believe they call that shade of red "Bruce Arians."

Capt Ron

Pleasant saves Ervin from total destruction by O'Brien for a muffed PR. I had a crazy dream/nightmare where someone kittened O'Brien off so badly that he transformed into a 30' tall demon that destroyed everyone and everything in NRG Stadium.

tGC

Hey guys, I got a good feeling we're going to get a field goal here.

Fourth Quarter:

Luke

I'm thinking of taking a photo of that into a interior decorator and asking if I can paint my room the same colour as his face.

BRC

That's a bold prediction, tGC

(Osweiler lopes into the end zone for a 1-yard touchdown run)

BRC

That looked almost as slow as Peyton Manning’s bootleg a couple years back

UT

RUN GIRAFFE RUN!!!!

Vega

With the extra point, the Texans would match their season high in points. We scored 27 against Tennessee in Week 4.

SCT

The fact that THIS team is blowing out the Raiders shows how much Carr deserves MVP.

tGC

There we go. I was just thinking to myself, let's run a bootleg or counter or play action here. And it worked!

I'm expecting us to go even more conservative now.

Luke

(to SCT) YOU DARE SPEAK AGAINST THE GLORY OF MATT RYAN?!?!?!?!?

But yeah this game is a living endorsement of the wonder that is competent QB play.

Capt Ron

Remember the sound anytime the six million dollar man did something bionic that was intended to suggest something incredible was happening but the visual was slow speed? I heard it on Brock's TD run.

BRC

Robert Nelson trying to make us forget he was the living embodiment of Brice McCain last week.

Vega

Let's see if the Texans can break 30 for the first time this year.

Capt Ron

I'd trade you a 30-point game for a decapitated KITTEN ref in the secondary.

UT

I nearly snorted hard root beer at the ridiculousness of this prospect, Vega.

Hey, look at that, Tyler Ervin actually caught the ball.

That's refreshing!

(Osweiler throws an incompletion that bounces off a Raider’s head)

Capt Ron

6' 8" and can't throw over someone's helmet?!!!

UT

Russell Wilson can do that and he's 3'4" tall!

BRC

Where has the defense gone again?

UT

These last two Raiders’ drives are making me really uncomfortable.

Vega

Connor Cook is making some impressive throws.

BRC

They're wobbly as kitten,but still manage to get there

(Corey Moore intercepts Connor Cook for what would be the game-winning interception)

UT

The puckering has reduced!

Vega

Dammit!! I wanted that run back so we would hit 30.

Capt Ron

Love this defense!

Mike

Defense wins championships! Oakland, not so much...

Luke

Oh god I went all sentimental in the post-game recap.

UT

/points and laughs

Luke has all the feels! Luke has all the feels!

Capt Ron

Brockadile tears of joy?

Luke

Someone slap me before I go full Mitch Albom.

UT

Texans will win 27-14. Our destiny lies either in Foxborough or western Missouri.

Vega

Looks like we're going to win this. I guess that means champagne and tacos again next week.

Capt Ron

"Why, you’re no daisy at all."

BRC

If the Raiders could stop throwing incompletions and let the clock run out, that would be great

SCT

IT DOESN'T MATTER, BRIAN. WON A PLAYOFF GAME, BRIAN.

(A.J. Bouye gets the final interception of the game)

Mike

That is my Bouye!

Weston

woo!

Kitten this defense is good, boy.

BRC

A.J. Bouye with a well deserved INT, he gon' get paid.

Capt Ron

Bouye just stuffed more ink into his contract pen. Awesome! Pay the man, Rick.

BRC

Victory formation in the playoffs, I must be dreaming

Post-Game Thoughts:

Weston

I don't want to be sad after a fun win, but they beat a third string quarterback making his first start and I don't see how they beat either KC or NE.

BRC

That third string QB doesn't play defense. We still managed to score 27 points.

Luke

YOU SHUT YOUR KITTEN MOUTH MATT, IT WAS BEAUTIFUL! LET ME HAVE TONIGHT! LET ME HAVE MY DREAMSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Weston

It was a bad defense and seven of those points came because of Clowney's interception. Kansas City and New England both have actual defenses, not one led by interceptions and one All-Pro player.

Capt Ron

Great win for the Texans!

SCT

One thing to take away from this win - O'Brien likely won't be fired now.

tGC

Clowney astounds me. I don't think I've ever seen such a mutant playing defense in the NFL. At least not since Reggie White.

Hey! Let’s give out some game balls!

Offense: DeAndre Hopkins. We finally got to see the Nuk we all know and love out on the field. He made some spectacular catches and that’s worthy of a game ball I think.

Defense: Jadeveon Clowney is just ridiculous. I so badly wanted him to pull a J.J. Watt on that interception and run like hell for the end zone. But he still wreaked enough havoc in the offensive backfield that a game ball is warranted.

So what do you think, my BRB brothers and sisters? Who gets a game ball? Who impressed? Who didn’t? And what is that smell!?