Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:
Comrades! We should rejoice in knowledge that our high powered offense, helmed by Hero of Texans Offense and newly-appointed Chief Marshal of Field and Artillery Forces Deshaun Watson, can stand against all foes! It will not be long until our glorious Texans take place among great offenses of world, eclipsing even overrated and so-called “Greatest Show on Turf.”
Is not beyond knowledge of Ministry of Information, for nothing is truly beyond knowledge of Ministry of Information, that there is deep sense of foreboding and sadness within hearts of football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans. As you all know, other teams of National Football League, who are always jealous of our unparalleled success, took it upon themselves to sabotage supreme strength of our glorious Texans. This treachery came about on Sunday night, as players of loathsome Kansas City Chiefs took it upon themselves to sabotage stellar season of our favorite pass rushers.
The Ministry has obtained incontrovertible photographic evidence that injuries to both J.J. Watt and Whitney Mercilus were vicious acts intended to end long pattern of success endemic to battle red-clad embodiment of Mother Houston.
See wretched sledgehammer of corruption swung by the imperialist dogs of Kansas City? What kind of coward resorts to using Tanya Harding tactics to win football game? The kind of coward who knows they are outclassed by vastly superior team in every respect!
We don’t even dare show images of Mercilus’ injury, caused when Chiefs player stabbed him in chest 134 times with machete. That he only suffered torn pectoral muscle in scuffle is testament to inner strength of Mercilus and greatness of Houston Texans’ medical staff.
Our sources within league’s office indicate this plan was not hatched by Chiefs, and who can be surprised by unoriginality of the Chiefs? After all, this is team who can’t even come up with own obnoxious chant, instead relying on work of others. But we cannot concern ourselves with collective intellectual laziness of fans and players of Kansas City. Know only that we will discover perpetrators of fiendish plot and they will face revolutionary justice of Texans!
And we must not forget that Marshal of Texans Rick Smith has brought on fresh talent to help supplant the wealth of skill Texans are already awash in. Defensive lineman Kendall Langford and linebacker Lamarr Houston, a more aptly named player we cannot imagine, have pleaded with Comrade Smith to be added to the team, which our benevolent leader agreed to today. This only serves as greater proof that all truly great talents of football want with all their being to play for Texans, despite our deserved selectiveness.
We also cannot concern ourselves with tragic loss of Watt and Mercilus from defense. Football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans are greater than two men. They remain physical will and football might of Mother Houston and that will, that might, can never be cut down! This is especially true for next opponent of Texans, the Beiges of Cleveland.
Beiges, like every other team Texans have faced, will prove to be no challenge. How can they challenge, comrades, when they cannot even decide on quarterback to start? Something called a Kevin Hogan will be starting for Beiges on Sunday against our glorious Texans, player so inconspicuous and irrelevant his own family is unaware of his existence. Hogan, assuming he is, in fact, a person and not figment of Coach Hue Jackson’s fevered imagination, had been backup quarterback up to this point. Previously, Beiges had ushered in brief and unfortunately spectacular career of rookie DeShone Kizer. Sources close to Ministry indicate that this switching of players is not based on decision about who gives Beiges better chance to win. Instead, our sources, who have never been known to lie before, state that Beiges are so embarrassed about their decision to take Kizer over Marshal Watson, not once but twice we might add, that they declined to let Comrade Watson outshine their rookie, soon-to-be-broken, quarterback!
Is no surprise that the Beiges remain uncertain at quarterback. After all, this is team who briefly thought that [UNPERSON] could be counted on to lead their team into battle. What on Earth could Beiges have been thinking with that? Even during worst of times, our glorious Texans never even considered for one moment that [UNPERSON] could be starting quarterback. To think that would be complete foolishness!
If Fever Dream Kevin Hogan does play, he will be well protected, as Beiges spent the pittance they had in free agency to shore up offensive line, bringing Kevin Zeitler to bolster line featuring Joel Bitonio and Joe Thomas, who insists on remaining with Beiges; we at Ministry assume this is because imperialist dog owner Jimmy Haslam holds Thomas’ family hostage. While there is faint, near impossible chance that Beiges’ offense could attempt something against supposed weakened state of defense of Texans, strength of people of Houston, offense should merely prove to be little more than way for new Texans Langford and Houston to get to know their fellow players, learn defensive system of Vice Marshal of Texans Defense Mike Vrabel and possibly undertake some light arts and crafts for majority of he game since offense will prove no trouble.
What could prove to be of great benefit to Texans’ offense is resurgent firepower of our mighty aerial attack! As Beiges are soft and poofy in secondary like mewling puppies they are, our three pronged receiving attack in form of Hopkins, Fuller, and Ellington will soar over pups who will simply stare in awed majesty at elegant, sprawling forms, then probably pee all over field and get smacked with newspapers by grounds crew.
Lone concern for only football team in Texas, if one could even call it concern, might be with defensive line of Beiges. First overall pick, and non-chicken farming Aggie, Myles Garrett has proven himself to be adequate when he can be bothered to get on football field. He adds to modest pass rushing defensive front. This could prove to be problematic for running game, meaning that Lamar Miller and D’Onta Foreman would only combine for something close to 300 yards of rushing, which would be a full 30% lower than usual weekly performance.
What might also concern football-loving fans and players of Mother Houston is that this defensive front could manhandle offensive line as well. It should be noted that our offensive line is, in point of fact, one of best units in league. They play poorly because they want to challenge themselves on how poorly they can play without having it affect course of game. As our glorious Texans have yet to lose game this season, it seems to be effective strategy for them and should not be questioned.
While is unusual to have two bye weeks back-to-back, our glorious Texans, who strike fear in hearts of all lesser teams, will coast easily to victory as they do week in and week out.
To inevitable triumph of our Texans, lead us on!
Glory to Mother Houston.
And now, comrades, as you may feel the need to vent the spleen, we present to you Two Minutes Hate.