Hair of the Dog (Browns/Texans): Bull Bites Dog

There are some games the Texans have played where I end up imagining what that game feels like in me-related terms (because let’s not forget, I am the center of the universe. Why? Because I have the gravitational pull to make that claim).

For example, the SNF game a week ago felt like the football equivalent of Sarajevo in the early-to-mid 90s. Today’s game was not that. Today’s game felt like I barely had to watch because it was going to be a breeze, the first of two Texans bye weeks.

As such, I imagined the average Texans fan watching in a hammock while drinking concoctions that have little paper umbrellas in them and 13 different kinds of alcohol. Yes, this is oddly specific but this is no time to quibble over details. These are the kinds of games I live for, where the offense just makes things so dang easy to be a fan.

The defense leaves a lot to be desired and more to be concerned about, but that’s a matter for another day. For the next two weeks, we got a win, the team gets a break, and I need another paper umbrella drink. So let’s get on with what you’re really here to read.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, to make this post safe to read at work, all swear words have been replaced with the word [Kitten]. This service is done for no money down, it’s yours for the asking, it’s our way of saying “thank you.”

Pre-Game Thoughts

tGC

All I'm hoping for is Watson to continue doing Watson things. Everything else is a bonus. Our defense will probably stop the Browns, but that's more down to the Browns being the Browns than our emasculated defense being special. Also, I hope Jadeveon Clowney turns into Galactus and straight up eats Browns.

Brett

Watson arrived at the game in a Warren Moon jersey...and with the double cup for that lean XD

BFD

I'm just gonna assume we all want to have DW4's babies at this point.

Brett

Not gonna lie, I haven't fallen in love with a rookie this fast since Hopkins. This Clemson pipeline is awesome.

Weston

Thank [kitten] god for Watson, if not this season would be 100% over and it would be 2013 all over again.

UT

Deshaun Watson has already made me pregnant at least twice this season so it's only a matter of time for me.

First Quarter

UT

Two jet actions and a direct snap to Watson to start the game? Yes, please.

Brett

Watson's legs are damn near indefensible on third downs.

(Fairbairn kicks a field goal to put the Texans on the board. Texans lead 3-0)

Brett

Going back to the days of Fat Randy, it's so nice to have a reliable kicker that can ALSO hit them from distance.

Weston

Kevin Hogan picking up that first down after making contact with McKinney is everything.

BFD

That was an amazingly stupid penalty on Crowell.

Luke

Holy [kitten] what was that tackle #40?

UT

I don't know who number 40 is but I don't wanna see that number again.

Luke

That Clowney step inside and arm over on the Cole tackle was a thing of beauty.

(Browns punt, Texans start at the three when ball magically lands in the lap of a fallen Browns defender)

Brett

Holy [kitten] what a bounce on that punt lol

(Holding penalty on Giacomini backs up the Texans to 1 ¹⁄₂ yard line)

UT

Thanks Breno, you [kitten].

Weston

Shane Lechler is awful.

UT

WHAT THE [KITTEN], REFS?! Did you not see Clowney getting frog-marched away from the ball by the Browns?

Capt Ron

Terrible [kitten]ing officiating continues. What does it take to get a holding call?!!

(Browns tie the game, 3-3)

(Watson throws deep ball to a totally uncovered Will Fuller for a touchdown. Texans lead 10-3)

Luke

What are we setting the over/under on Fuller's TD numbers this season? I'm thinking 12.

Capt Ron

Watson/Fuller for a TD!!

Brett

All Will Fuller does is catch touchdowns. I honestly don't remember the last time we've had a receiving corps this good. Maybe...never?

UT

(to Brett) I think probably never.

(to Weston) New Texans bump imagery there!

BFD

I think my favorite thing about Fuller's TD catch is that he looked surprised it was thrown to him.

Vega

Rumors of Kareem Jackson's demise are grossly understated.

Weston

(to Brett) The QB is what has changed not the receiving corps.

I also loved it was by burning outside against Peppers too. He's been awful this season.

(to UT) I haven't seen it yet here in SA. I'm dying for some new stock footage.

Second Quarter

UT

[Kitten] [kitten]ing [kitten] this defense is hot buttered [kitten].

Vega

Remember when we thought they were going to be elite? That was fun. They're Joe Flacco elite.

Weston

This is a preseason front seven. It's so gross. Take a look at the DL every play and it is so depressing.

(Johnathan Joseph intercepts Fever Dream Kevin Hogan for a touchdown, Texans lead 16-3 after Fairbairn misses the extra point)

UT

RUN FATBOY RUN!!!!

Capt Ron

71.4% of Fuller’s catches are for touchdowns.

Speaking of scoring, Joseph with a pick six!!

UT

I think our kicker's problems are the flip-flop of what we used to have. We used to have problems with kickers making FGs on long (and sometimes short) attempts.

Now he just can't make the [kitten] extra point. GO FOR TWO BOB!

Capt Ron

When I look at the coaches clothing choices on both sidelines, this looks like Fed-Ex v. UPS.

(Jadeveon Clowney appears injured, is slow to get up)

Weston

[Kitten] football this [kitten] [kitten]ing sucks

UT

Oh [kitten]ing come on, Football Gods, He's the only [kitten]ing pass rusher we have left!

Luke

Don't you take Clowney from me. Don't you dare take Clowney away from me. He's all I have left.

BFD

It's just as stupid that the Browns are playing Hogan as the Texans played Savage. Hogan's been missing receivers badly all game.

Weston

Well Kizer has been the worst qb in football this year. The Hogan this isn't that egregious.

UT

And after the pick Cole is hurt.

STOP [KITTEN]ING PICKING ON OUR DEFENSE [KITTEN]IT!

BFD

What the hell is going on with injuries on D?

Luke

[Kitten] this, Cole has been rad in coverage. Don't take him from us.

Also that last snap just highlighted how DJ Reader is our only decent DL left.

UT

I suspect Navorro Bowman's agent should expect a call from Rick Smith forthwith.

Luke

Foreman's gotta lower the shoulder and go through Peppers.

Holy [kitten] big run though.

UT

Watching these fake jet sweeps the Texans are doing makes the ironic side of me want to see what would've happened if they tried doing that with [UNPERSON].

(Watson hands off to Braxton Miller on a jet sweep to get the touchdown, then convert on the two point conversion. Texans lead 24-3)

Capt Ron

Braxton Miller sighting for a TD!

Weston

Watson has done so much to change this entire offense and team.

Luke

Holy [kitten] we went for two.

Holy [kitten] we converted said two point attempt.

[Kitten]it Ogbah you're smarter than that.

Weston

The Browns are so bad.

Gregg Williams being the defensive coordinator is the dumbest thing about this team.

UT

For those of you keeping track:

Watson: 8-13 128 yards, 2 TDs with a 134.0 passer rating.

Luke (to Weston)

He's been quite lucky with the talent that he's had on the teams he's DC.

I mean he's just come from a team which had Robert Quinn and Aaron Donald on the same front 7.

He's gotta take Peppers out of coverage stuff and let him play in the box.

BFD

Hogan could overthrow the UT Tower.

(JJo picks off Hogan for another interception)

UT

GLORY TO ALL INTERCEPTION DEFENSE!

Halftime Reactions

Weston

The Browns are so bad

Luke

The Browns are just the natural [kitten] catchers for the NFL.

Third Quarter

UT

The Browns have 69 passing yards.

Nice.

BFD

[UNPERSON] >>>> Kevin Hogan

Yeah, I went there.

UT

I want to disagree here because [UNPERSON] is [UNPERSON] but I'm not sure I can.

Brett

How many more 80s shows are CBS going to reboot? Do they have a single original idea at that network?

UT

It's not just CBS. They're all doing it. CW is rebooting [kitten]ing Dynasty for crying out loud.

Brett

Dynasty? ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?

(Browns commit an illegal formation AND intentional grounding penalty good for a Texans safety. Texans lead 26-3.)

Luke

Oh Browns.

UT

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, that was the Brownsiest penalty I've ever seen.

Brett

Benardrick McKinney might be the best blitzing linebacker we've ever had, and that includes Brian Cushing back in his prime. His ability to get to the quarterback is going to be huge with Watt and Mercilus out.

BFD (to Brett)

I don't think that argument is close. McKinney is easily the better of the two.

Also, Danny Shelton is unreasonably fast for a 335 pound man.

Luke

[Kitten] yeah he is, Shelton is rad as [kitten] it's just he was injured for most of the pre-season so he's only really reaching 100% now.

Also for every TD he catches I swear he drops or let's 2 more go through his hands.

UT

Griffin's been pretty [kitten]ed serviceable for Griffin.

(The Clemson Connection gives the Texans a 33-3 lead.)

Luke

This is [kitten]ing dope.

Capt Ron

With that passing touchdown to Hopkins, Deshaun Watson now has scored more touchdowns than all the QB-TD’s last season by Houston.

UT

He's also the first QB to score 15 TDs this season.

Suck it Tom Brady.

Vega

Seriously, the turnaround from "this defense is going to have to carry the offense" to the reverse, is [KITTEN]ing creepy.

Luke

Aaron Rodgers has a broken collarbone and might be out the rest of the season.

UT

And Glover Quin just got murdered to death by the Saints.

Luke

It won't happen, it can't happen, but if this pace continues then Watson might throw for 40 TD's.

Capt Ron

Why is Watson still in a game up 33-3?!!!

BFD

Time to pull the rook. I think the lead is large enough for Savage to not blow it.

Fourth Quarter

Weston

Jay Prosch caught a pass for a first down. It's time to pack this thing up and move on folks.

(Watson throws a pick six, Texans lead 33-10.)

UT

Let's never do that again, okay, Deshaun?

Capt Ron

Watson was clearly held after the interception. [Kitten]ing NFL refs suck [kitten]!

Vega

Can we still count that as a TD pass for Watson?

Luke

Oh god I don't know what's worse about the Papa Johns ad. How fake it is or how cheesy it is.

Capt Ron

Chris Clark is OUT with a calf injury.

UT

Kendall Lamm checking in.

Capt Ron

Time for Rick to call Duane Brown.

BFD

Things I never, ever want to see again: Myles Garrett rushing the QB against Kendall Lamm.

Vega

Things I never want to see again: Deshaun Watson in this game.

Capt Ron

[UNPERSON] and Kevin Hogan might be the only two guys who could overthrow Kim Jong Un.

Luke

Bill, I swear If you get Watson injured.......

UT

If that happens THEN we riot.

Or at least demand the immediate firing of BOB.

Brett

Hopkins has 6 TDs too doesn't he?

Capt Ron

I’m sitting right behind the Texans’ bench. I might risk jail time and jump OB myself if that happens.

Brett

The Fuller giveth, and the Fuller taketh away.

Luke

C'mon Will, this has to stop. I honestly think his technique hasn't changed from when he was back in college.

Vega

Somebody go show O'Brien the tape of Arian Foster against Miami.

UT

The only thing I can figure is that BOB thinks as long as he just calls running plays he can't injure Watson badly.

Vega

Man, that turkey is carved so Autumnly

UT

[Kitten]it.

Brett

Have you guys ever had winter smoked ham? It's just as good.

Vega

I summer roasted a chicken once, after spring brining it. That was awesome.

UT

All y'all suck.

(The Browns score a garbage time TD, but Texans get the win 33-17.)

Hey, let’s give out some game balls!

Offense - The obvious answer is to give it to Watson again, but I want to do something different this time around. So I’ll give the ball to Will Fuller for his deep touchdown.

Defense - How do you not give it to Johnathan Joseph? Two interceptions, one of which went for a touchdown and a pretty good overall effort on top of that.

Special Teams - Let’s just etch Ka’imi Fairbairn’s name in here, because the Texans special teams really are kind of timeless in a terrible way.

Got something else you want to add to our commentary to Sunday’s game? Think I’m out of my mind on these completely arbitrary game balls? Make your voice heard in the comments below.