Hair of the Dog (Traitors-Texans): New Dogs, Newer Tricks

It is 9 a.m. Central Daylight Time and I’m reveling in the afterglow of the Texans dropping 57 points on what might be the most despised team in the NFL for Texans fans.

It was truly a beautiful sight, the kind of game that poets will write odes to in the future. But don’t take it from me. Don’t even take it from people on television who will praise the downright awe-inspiring performance of Deshaun Watson. Take it from the lot of us who saw the game with our own eyes (yet still can’t fully believe it) and have absolute control over the blog.

Let’s get to the Dog! As always, to make this post safe for work, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten]. The names have also been changed to protect the innocent, like there’s any innocent here.

Pre-Game Thoughts:

UT

[Kitten] the BESFs.

Capt Ron

My wife (and her whole family) was a huge fan of the Oilers, as she was born and raised in Houston. I grew up in California, and pulled for the Broncos since I followed Elway there from Stanford. Bud Adams moved the Oilers/Titans to Tennessee just a couple of years after I settled in Houston (and met my future wife). The heartache she felt from this despicable move was incredible. She loved watching football, but was not going to support the Titans after such a betrayal, and she was essentially orphaned for several years by not accepting any other team as a substitute.

We both embraced the Texans as our new NFL team when they arrived in Houston. The hatred toward the Titans, and Houston's stolen NFL history, blazes like no other. GO TEXANS!!

(Later)

Braxton Miller a "healthy scratch" today. Another lovely busted mid-round draft pick by Rick Smith. How bad can someone be at football when a team would rather use an active roster spot for Jeff Allen or Jay Prosch?!!

Titan Matt

You should become a millenial and a Titans fan Ron. It's more fun like this.

The thing I don't get about Miller is Houston's insistence to use him outside. They rarely play him in the slot and he doesn't have the catch radius to play outside.

Luke

It's weird because he's 6'2 and actually has the physicality of a big bodied receiver it's just a lot of the time he still looks like he's trying to learn how to play receiver.

He can snap in and out of breaks well but every now and then he'll start this crazy goose step like move in a attempt to try and get the DB to bite on a fake and it never works.

The Texans needed a plan for him and I don't think they ever had one.

MDC

Ohio State [kitten].

Vega

Braxton Miller feels to me like the kind of guy who will be misused in Houston and have a successful career elsewhere.

Kenneth

I do not think there is a game all season that we will miss Brian Cushing as much. I hope Cumningham has the strength to battle with the Titans RBs.

UT (to Vega)

At least he tries. I just saw a clip from the Saints/Dolphins game where Jay Cutler was in the wildcat near the sideline; his arms are folded and he literally does not move from his spot on the field the entire play.

It's breathtaking.

First Quarter:

Brett

My stream is already crapping out and it's the first play. Awesome.

Vega

DAMMIT. What happened to the [kitten]ing stream?!

UT

AND THE FEED COMES BACK JUST IN TIME FOR AN ANDRE HAL PICK!

Brett

The Vandy kid kills the Titans again. Hopefully Zach Cunningham does the same.

(Deshaun throws the first of many touchdowns, putting the Texans up 7-0)

UT

Was...was that an option pass I just saw?

Vega

Ha. Love that option!

Titan Matt

It's [kitten]ing amazing how much better Watson is than every other O'Brien quarterback. It hurts my brain.

MDC

It's more amazing that O'Brien didn't realize this fact and tried to roll with Tom [kitten]ing Savage.

UT

Are we offensing? I hadn't seen it in so long that I've forgotten what it looks like.

Vega

It's even more amazing that we continue to run Miller between the tackles.

Brett

This is the first time in a long time that I've legitimately felt at ease watching a Texans offense. It's been YEARS since I've experienced this.

(Watson throws an easy touchdown to DeAndre Hopkins to put the Texans up 14-0)

Vega

Holy [kitten]. We have an offense!

UT (to Brett)

Agreed, I haven't had that "when is the interception coming" feel yet so far.

MDC

[He] ain't no Nuk. And, if he ain't Nuk, I don't give a rat's ass where he is.

Tim (in a rare cameo appearance)

I’m going to have a third kid just so I can name him or her Deshaun.

Titan Matt

They finally attached Brice McCain after all those times they ignored that matchup. The world is finally making its way back around.

Brett

Fun fact: Deshaun's first name is actually Derrick.

Jeremy

So this is what it's like to have a franchise quarterback. I cannot use words to describe this feeling.

UT

Tyler Ervin got carted off with a right leg injury per Berman.

Titan Matt

Deshaun Watson! He's better than Cialis!

MDC (to Brett)

But that's only because his mama thought GOD OF FOOTBALL AND SAVIOR OF TEXAS would be a little too on-the-nose.

Titan Chris

Two drives, two TDs. Play calling that actually fits personnel, excellent quarterback play - I don't know what to do with my body right now.

UT

Leave out the dumb bull[kitten] about running Miller up the middle and this has so far been a pretty flawless offensive game plan.

Brett (to UT)

Ervin got carted? When the hell did that happen?

UT (to Brett)

I don't know, some time after he received the first punt, I guess. Something about his knee I think I saw.

MDC

Lube it up with canola oil and touch it like you want to.

Vega

I'm liking this Foreman kid.

UT

Watson is making throws that I would not have trusted any other quarterback in the BOB era to make. At all.

And frankly, I'm not sure I'd have trusted pre-breakdown Schaub to make throws in windows as tight as the ones Watson is connecting on.

This offense is sex.

Second Quarter:

Vega

I've never seen a Texans offense run this efficiently.

Capt Ron

1st quarter domination by the Texans! I love the option play for the score, and thought they might add some option plays with Watson at QB. His passing looks damn impressive for a rookie in his third NFL start! Sad news on Ervin. I hope that isn’t too serious.

Keep rolling!!

(Deshaun Watson connects with Will Fuller for another touchdown. Texans lead 21-0)

UT

And a Will Fuller touchdown, that he didn't bobble?

(as Lombardi) WHAT THE [KITTEN] IS GOING ON OUT HERE?!

Luke

Oh hey Will Fuller, nice to see ya buddy.

Brett

That was a nice [kitten]ing ball from Watson. Put it right over the linebacker and dropped it down to Fuller in the paint. Great touch.

Vega

Not gonna lie, I'm not sure how I feel about this.

(BESFs show signs of life on offense)

Capt Ron

Failing to put a spy on Mariota? Give me 20 pushups, Vrabel.

(BESFs score a touchdown to cut lead to 21-7)

UT

Jesus, [Mariota] sold the [kitten] out of that fake.

Brett

Marcus Mariota is insanely fast. He plays well in the pocket, but if he's in space he's really damn hard to catch too. Like a super charged Alex Smith.

(Todman receives a touchback for the Texans)

Vega

Who the [kitten] is Todman?

UT

I'm not convinced he wasn't some guy in the stands who snuck onto the field.

Brett

Lamar Miller just chewing them up today. Huge lanes to run through.

Vega

Is BOB, like, outcoaching Dick LeBeau?

Brett

This might legitimately the smoothest I've seen this offense operate since Kyle Shanahan was in town.

(Jeff Allen draws a penalty-killing drive)

UT

Say it with me, everybody. [Kitten] you, Jeff Allen.

Vega

Jeff Allen deserves to be flagged for being Jeff Allen, but that was a weak call.

Capt Ron

Jeff Allen and SuckaFilo kill the drive.

/slow golf clap (followed by the sound of breaking glass)

(The drive stalls, so Ka’imi Fairbairn kicks a field goal, putting Texans up 24-7)

Titan Matt

[Kitten] YEaH rocketship stock footage. Houston just got bumped up.

UT

Preceded by boot shop footage, because, of course.

Capt Ron

Where’s the BBQ footage?

(More offensive rumblings from the BESFs)

UT

So we've stopped playing defense is what I'm seeing so far?

Capt Ron

Egregious offensive holding against Watt going uncalled.

Vega

This secondary is an abomination.

Capt Ron

I’m sick of inconsistent officiating. Full arm wraps around Watt’s neck go uncalled, while our OL gets flagged for the lamest BS.

(BESFs score on a Mariota run, Texans lead 24-14)

UT

I hate Marcus Mariota and I wish all the bad things in life happen to him.

[Kitten] the BESFs.

No, really, any time you want to make adjustments on defense would be fantastic, Texans.

(Ed. Note: I feel kind of responsible for what happens later and both feel bad and not bad about it)

Capt Ron

[Kitten] the refs too. I’m hanging by a thread of turning away from the NFL for this BS with inconsistent officiating. I’m absolutely fed up after years of it. Players and coaches can’t say anything about it for some damn reason. The league doesn’t address it. [Kitten] the refs!

(Deshaun walks in for a touchdown, and missed extra point makes the score 30-14)

UT

GLORY TO THE ALL PASS INTERFERENCE OFFENSE!

Brett

Five Texans possessions.

Five Texans scores.

The Deshaun Watson era is good, y'all.

(Andre Hal with his second interception of the day)

UT

THAT'S AN ADJUSTMENT, BABY!!!

Brett

ANDRE HAL, YOU BEAUTIFUL MOTHER [KITTEN]ER

Luke

Of course the week that I write that the Texans safeties aren't that good, this happens.

Vega

I want a score here at the end and then we take the kick to start the second half.

UT

Hey, Bill O'Brien remembered how to call timeout! How nice!

(Watson throws a really questionable interception to effectively end the half)

Vega

Dammit! That was a terrible throw by Watson.

UT

Um...what was that, Deshaun?

Who did you think was getting that catch?

Brett

I genuinely have no idea what Deshaun Watson's thought process was on that interception. I really don't.

Capt Ron

Watson saw Hopkins open in the corner, just like previous play, but he didn’t set his feet for the throw. Mechanics like that can be corrected; just a rookie trying to keep the play alive when he should have either set his feet to throw, or tossed it out of the back of the endzone.

Luke

He said "[Kitten] it" and then he flung it.

It was just a series of bad decisions.

Halftime Reactions:

BFD

My halftime deep thought:

@Bring back Tom Savage.@

Capt Ron

Halftime thoughts: Watson should be leading the NFL OROY candidate list. The HAL3000 firmware update looks great. The Texans’ pass rush is nil thanks to a stout Titans OL combined with an athletic Mariota and corrupt/inept officiating.

Jeremy (to Ron)

Hard to argue against Kareem Hunt, but Watson and him are clearly top two.

Capt Ron (to Jeremy)

I thought of Hunt too. However, since the NFL MVP should just as well be called the “Best NFL QB Award,” the same should be done with the OROY if a QB is in the running.

Third Quarter:

Luke

Does NRG ever sell out for a Texans game? It seriously looks half empty.

Titan Chris (to Luke)

Literally all of them have sold out. Actual attendance on the other hand...

UT (to Luke)

I think they're just coming back from the bathroom.

I'm sure they sell out otherwise they can't watch in Houston.

Capt Ron (also to Luke)

Every game has been sold out since day one. The concessions areas just stimulate a lot of loitering, especially the club section where a big chunk of attendees are there to socialize more than see a game. This is often the case at halftime, and when the Texans are winning by a good margin or getting blown out.

Brett

Deshaun Watson is single handedly reviving DeAndre Hopkins' fantasy stock. God bless 'em.

UT

Bill O'Brien going for it on fourth down? Suprising.

What's more surprising is that they got the first down!

Luke

Going for it on 4th down and passing it? I think i'm getting the vapors.

Capt Ron

I will also point out that I saw tickets for sale below 50% of face value on NFL Ticket Exchange for this game. I’m not sure how much of that is: season ticket holders who are storm victims and can’t make it (or need money), frustration with the whole patriotic v. kneeling thing, or lack of interest in a Titans game and/or uncertainty of a 1-2 start.

(Watson connects with Will Fuller for his third passing touchdown on the day. Texans lead 37-14)

UT

TD to Will Fuller, it’s still weird to read that sentence.

Capt Ron

I’m glad I started Fuller this week.

Brett

OH BABY WHAT A THROW. Dropped it right in the bucket on Fuller's back shoulder. That touch and accuracy is insane.

Vega

I want to make a mix tape for that drive.

BFD

We've replaced the Houston Texans offense with an actual NFL worthy scheme. Let's see if anyone notices.

UT (to Vega)

Probably a lot of Barry White, Luther Vandross and Marvin Gaye, because [kitten] that drive was sexy.

Vega

Is Mariotta benched, hurt, or did the Titans just quit?

UT

Speaking of replacements: Per Berman, Mariota is questionable with a hamstring problem. Cassel coming in at QB.

ATTENTION DEFENSIVE LINE! DINNER IS SERVED!

Luke

Dang. I wanted to see what Mariota would be like playing from behind.

Titan Chris

The only way this day gets better is with a visit to MCM.

Brett

Dalvin Cook's knee might have just exploded...non contact.

Fourth Quarter:

UT

And there's Will Fuller or as I shall refer to him from here until I get bored of it: Oopsy Collins.

Luke

He's still body catching. He never tried to extend his arms towards the ball.

UT

This is inspired playcalling and I'm genuinely concerned that someone has kidnapped Bill O'Brien to make it happen.

(Watson with touchdown pass the fourth, this time to Lamar Miller, putting the Texans up 44-14)

Vega

I think they secretly have Dabo Swinney calling plays on the phone.

Capt Ron

Watson just tied the rookie record of five touchdowns: 1 rushing, 4 passing. Let’s break it today!

BFD

I simply cannot believe this offense. I think BOB has been listening to BRR.

UT (to Vega)

After that last play where Watson faked to Miller and tossed the ball, I wouldn't doubt that Dabo is involved.

Now let's hang a fiftyburger on these [kitten]ers.

Capt Ron

I was going to do an article suggesting that they add some option plays to the script, and they beat me to it.

Vega

The Texans just set an offensive record that isn't embarrassing. That's nice.

(Marcus Gilchrist intercepts the ball)

UT

And thank you for playing, Matt Cassel.

Luke

MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

*PAUSES TO DRAW BREATH*

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Capt Ron

Gilchrist with a pic! The HAL3000 firmware update is going viral across the secondary nodes, by design of course.

Titan Matt

OMG

They are recycling the cow footage

Lazy [kittens]

Brett

That was really nice wiggle from Foreman.

Vega

Weston, stop trying to draw the conversation away from the destruction of your beloved.

(Texans settle for a field goal, now only leading by 33 points, 47-14)

Luke

I saw that too Matt.

Someone at CBS is clearly not getting paid enough.

UT

It's called efficiency, guys. Much like our hero of the offense, the network is merely saving its resources for more important things.

(Dillon Cole intercepts Cassel, turns it into a touchdown, Texans lead 51-14)

UT (cont’d.)

LIKE CALLING A PICK SIX TO MAKE A FIFTYBURGER!!!!!!!!

Vega

Holy KITTEN, we hung 50 on them.

UT

The BESF ducked his head to make the pick six possible!

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

::dies laughing::

BFD

[KITTEN] ON THEIR GRAVE.

Luke

This is [kitten]ing absurd. I'm going to watch this again and again.

Capt Ron

Louis C.K. does a whole bit about the overuse of certain words that should be reserved for true hyperbole. One of those words was “hilarious,” where a person should nearly literally die of laughter. I’m comfortable saying that what the Texans are doing to the Titans today is hilarious!

UT

Is that what a scoregasm feels like?

Capt Ron

I was really hoping Watson would break the rookie record today. Not likely to happen now.

Luke

Oh Mike Mularkey, why are you doing this to yourself?

Vega

Is it wrong that I want 60?

Luke

If it's wrong [Vega] then I don't want to be right.

Capt Ron

Like Meg Ryan sitting across from Chris Hemsworth instead of Billy Crystal.

UT (to Vega)

I think we might get to find out now.

Clowney strip sacks Cassel, Texans recover.

GIMME THE SIXTYBURGER!

Vega

60 is in range!!!

UT

And Savage is in, so we won’t get 60.

Capt Ron

Savage is handed the spatula, and a grease fire erupts in the kitchen. But of course!

Brett

Savage comes in. Immediately sacked on first drop back. How appropriate.

(Ka’imi Fairbairn kicks another field goal, Texans now laughably up 57-14)

UT

We're also not trying at this point.

Well...not much. Still get the field goal.

Capt Ron

Lechler could have been fishing in his boat all day. First game in years that he actually wasn’t needed.

UT

[Kitten] it, gimme 60 points please.

Capt Ron

“Sweep the leg!”

(Texans end the game with a resounding, and dominating, 57-14 win.)

Postgame Reactions:

UT

And the Pats lose on a game-ending field goal.

Today is awesome!

Kenneth

Wow that was the most un-Texan performance I have ever seen. They are so good I think they should bring back the varsity jackets!

Kidding. Put away your pitchforks for that comment. I am thoroughly impressed by the O line.

Vega

This sucks. I wanted 60. I guess I'll have to settle for drinking my sorrows away with Titan tears.

UT

A bit of trivia about this, and tying into my theory of the similarities between Russell Wilson and Deshaun Watson:

This is a scorigami: No game in the history of the NFL has ever ended 57-14.

And this is the most points scored in a game since December 2012 when the Seahawks thumped the Cardinals 58-0...in Russell Wilson's first year.

MDC

I had to listen to most of the game in the car, but now I'm wondering if that was good luck for the team and whether I should be forced to listen instead of watching the rest of the season.

Kenneth

And the Jags just lost. That feels good.

MDC

Don't bury the lede! They lost TO THE JETS.

Hey, let’s give out some game balls!

Offense: There’s no question here. Today’s offensive game ball goes to Deshaun Watson. Four passing touchdowns, one rushing touchdown, and 283 yards passing on the day. If people didn’t know about him last week, this week will serve as his coming out party. We have us an honest-to-goodness quarterback, y’all.

Defense: Let’s give this one to Andre Hal for his two interceptions on the day. We see you Andre, and we approve of your efforts.

Special Teams: Ka’imi Fairbairn gets it here. Leaving aside a missed extra point, his leg has been ultra-reliable and that has not gone unnoticed after years of questionable kicking skills.

Got any thoughts on who should get the game ball? Want to add something to the conversation? Make your thoughts known throughout the internets in the comment section below.