2DH: Deshaun, DeAndre, & Dylan Dominate Despondent Deserters

I am, generally speaking, a patient person. Sixteen hours on a brisket cook? No problemo. Waiting a week for homemade bacon to cure? Easy peasy. If something has to take a certain amount of time to occur (or to be done correctly), I am totally capable of waiting for it.

When something doesn’t have to wait quite so long, however, I struggle with self-control just a bit. Case in point: there is nothing that requires that the 2DH actually wait until Tuesday, right? And if there is one thing in this world that is going to make me have trouble waiting two full days to write the 2DH, it is curbstomping the Tennessee Titans 57-14.

I tried to delay my gratification by reading comments at MCM and picturing the commenters over there as Scott Tenorman, but it just didn’t work. There was just too much good stuff that I wanted — nay, needed — to write about as soon as possible, while the afterglow was still fresh and the endorphins were still flowing. So, without further ado, let’s all have a hearty laugh at the expense of the Titans and dive together into this pool of #TitanUp tears.

45.

Previous high point total by the Texans in a win against the Titans (2014).

43.

Previous high point total by the Texans in any non-Titans game (2012, against both the Jaguars and Ravens).

5.

Total times prior to Sunday that the Texans had scored at least 40 points in a regular season game.

2.

Number of those 40-point games prior to Sunday that had come against the Titans.

0.

Total times prior to Sunday that the Texans had scored at least 50 points in a regular season game.

0.

Games prior to Sunday in which the Texans had beaten an opponent by at least 40 points.

Springfield, Missouri.

Place of birth for both me and Texans’ LB Dylan Cole. My realization of this fact, plus Cole’s outstanding play on Sunday, mean Cole is now the Official Player of the 2DH.

Fun Facts About Dylan Cole, Official Player of the 2DH.

The leading tackler in the FCS as a senior (12.9/game, 142 total, eight for loss, three forced fumbles), Cole was named a first-team Associated Press All-American. He also tied for the MSU team lead with 2 interceptions.

Cole rushed for 2,000 yards as a high school senior at Logan-Rogersville (MO), while adding 102 tackles on defense as well.

1.

Team record for INTs returned for a TD by someone other than a defensive back, shared by Brian Cushing, J.J. Watt, and Dylan Cole, Official Player of the 2DH.

Mail Call #1.

FreedomRide

Does the theory of parallel universes mean I don't have to worry about accidentally killing my grandfather if I travel back in time? IOW, does it remove the time travel paradox?

I think that depends entirely on the assumptions we make about the interaction between the parallel universes and time travel. If going back in time means that you are going back in time in a parallel universe (and the universe you traveled from therefore remains unchanged), then it would certainly appear to remove the grandfather paradox. Killing Ol’ Man FreedomGramps in Universe 2 would remove FreedomRide2 from the future in that universe, but wouldn’t impact you, since your existence would be tied to Universe 1.

I see a few problems with this model, however. First, I’m not sure it technically qualifies as time travel if you’re jumping into another universe at a different point in time. I mean...I guess it’s temporal in nature, but it’s not generally what we mean when we talk about traveling into the past. After all, we know that time travel (of sorts) into the future is possible, and it remains in the same universe, so backward travel sending you to another universe would not be the converse of forward travel and would seem to be a convenient work-around rather than a real model of backward time travel.

Secondly, but related to the previous problem, if the backward travel puts you in another universe, but standard forward time travel remains in the same universe, how do you get back to where you started? If there are only two universes, maybe that is easy enough (you go back in time, which gets you to the other universe, and then you go forward in time to where you need to be), but a two-universe model is in many ways more absurd than a one-universe or infinite-universe model. If we’re dealing with infinite universes, your odds of getting back to where you started are pretty much nil, which creates its own rift in the future of Universe 1.

Finally, if we’re assuming infinite universes, we’re working from a model where every possible outcome has its own universe, basically. Meaning it’s entirely possible, and even likely, that you’re going to wind up in a universe where killing your grandfather is the least of your concerns. He might not exist in that universe. Hell, humans might not exist in that universe. Double hell, the Earth might not exist in that universe! So whatever grandfather-paradox problems the parallel universes avoid, it would seem that they create so many more problems as to be unworkable as a practical matter.

[Ed. reminder: We’re doing Mailbag stuff in the 2DH this season, so send your questions to mattycamp at gmail dot com with a subject line like “Mailbag” or “2DH” or “BFD Eats Tofu Flavored Quinoa”]

3.

Number of Texans QBs prior to Sunday who had thrown for at least 4 TDs in a game. Matt Schaub did it four times, including a 5 TD game against Jacksonville in 2012 and a 4 TD game against Tennessee in 2009; Ryan Fitzpatrick did it once, throwing for 6 TDs against Tennessee in 2014; Sage Rosenfels did it once, throwing for 4 TDs against…wait for it…Tennessee in 2007.

Yes.

Answer to the question, “Does that mean that every Texans QB who has ever thrown for at least 4 TDs in a game has done so against the Titans at least once?”

0.

Number of Texans QBs prior to Sunday who had run for 1 TD while also throwing at least 4 TDs.

Gratuitous Lonesome Dove Quote.

“What would you know about anything, Jasper?” Augustus asked. “Age don’t slow a man’s whoring. It’s lack of income that does that. No more prosperous than you look, I wouldn’t think you’d know much about it.”

6.

Sacks needed by Jadeveon Clowney (13.5) to pass Connor Barwin for fifth-most in team history.

2.

Rushing TDs needed by Deshaun Watson (2) to pass David Carr for most in a season by a Texans’ QB. Carr put up three in his rookie season when, again, he was running for his life (76 sacks!) and had few better options.

161.

Rushing yards needed by Deshaun Watson (148) to pass David Carr for most rushing yards in a season by a Texans’ QB. Carr posted 308 in 2005, which makes sense when you recall that he was sacked 68 times that year and was basically running for his life each week.

0.

Number of readers who caught my incorrect math on the Watson/Carr rushing total comparison in last week’s 2DH. That’s poor hustle.

71.

Passing yards needed by Deshaun Watson (637) to pass Tony Banks for tenth-most for a career in team history.

Put It In Your Mouth.

Imagine you are growing corn. One day, you harvest an ear of corn and peel back the husk, only to see that the kernels look like big white/gray tumors with black spores on them. That’s right — your corn has contracted the corn smut fungus. Better throw that away!

Not so fast, though. In certain areas of Mexico, those tumor-like fungal growths are known as huitlacoche, and are considered something of a delicacy. What does it taste like? According to Diana Kennedy, "It may have been ambrosia of the Aztec gods with an inky, mushroomy flavor that is almost impossible to describe.” So...yeah. Inky mushroom corn fungus....

I’m not gonna lie. I’d try it, even if it looks pretty unsettling.

124.

DeAndre Hopkins’ projected catch total for 2017 at his current pace of 7.75 catches/game. That total would be the highest single-season total in Texans’ history (passing Andre Johnson’s 115 in 2008) and would be the fifth-highest single-season total in NFL history (Marvin Harrison’s 143 in 2002 is still the highest total).

6.

Number of games in which DeAndre Hopkins has had at least 100 receiving yards against the Titans, including a spankbank-worthy 238 in 2014. Sunday’s 107 yards was only his sixth-best total against the BESFs, in fact.

14.

Total number of 100-yard receiving games by Hopkins in his career…SO FAR.

38.

Number of 100-yard receiving games that Hopkins needs to pass Andre Johnson for most in team history. Somewhat surprisingly, Johnson only had 4 100-yard games against the Titans.

From the Meth Lab (Or, “Weston Talks #TitanUp”).

We present a new feature here at the 2DH, wherein noted Titans fan Matt Weston will give his thoughts on his favorite team and what it really means to TITAN UP, both as a team and as a way of life.

Here's the thing. TITAN UP isn't a game-to-game thing. It's a lifestyle. You have a bad day, you gotta TITAN UP and hump that horse again. You get your teeth kicked out, you gotta TITAN UP because that's what those plastic vampire teeth are for. You buy the max amount of Sudafed at the local CVS and people are getting suspicious, you gotta TITAN UP because Debrah at the KFC has a hookup at the Wal-Mart just across the river. When the old lady is spending too much time with her hand in the chip bag, you tell her she better watch out or she'll have to work twice as hard to TITAN UP.

So, yeah, them Titans lost, but I guarantee you they are going to be back even better next week.

4.

Interceptions needed by Andre Hal (8) to pass Marcus Coleman and Aaron Glenn for fourth-most in team history.

1.

Number of interceptions needed by Kareem Jackson (13) to break his tie with Dunta Robinson for most in team history. Jackson already has the most INT return yards (310) and INT TDs (3) in team history.

1.

Number of sacks needed by Kareem Jackson (1) to pass BFD’s favorite, Shaun Cody.

Tweets of the Week.

Marijuana Pepsi Sawyer Inexplicable Decision Of The Week.

[Author's note: It's a sad day in Two-Day Hangover Land. It seems that Marijuana Pepsi Sawyer has gotten married and changed the name on her public profile to the slightly more professional sounding, "Marijuana Sawyer." Dang. Thankfully, we have a long memory around here, at least when it comes to stuff like this, so we'll just forge ahead and pretend like nothing has changed.]

Much like the decision to name your daughter "Marijuana Pepsi," the decision of Delanie Walker to duck as the ball approached, allowing Dylan Cole, Official Player of the 2DH, an even easier interception that he could have otherwise had — though, let’s be real: Dylan Cole, Official Player of the 2DH, was getting that interception regardless — was bizarre.

I can only assume that Walker instinctually shrunk from the overt manliness and power of Dylan Cole, Official Player of the 2DH. That Walker compounded his stupid decision by putting in zero effort to chase after Cole was a microcosm of the Titans’ offense on Sunday as well. Well done.

Parting Shot.