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Houston Sports Ministry of Information’s Week Seven Preview: Nobody

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This is the most objective preview of the Houston Texans’ matchup against Nobody you will find on the planet.

We are at war with Nobody. We have always been at war with Nobody.

Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:

Comrades! There can now be no doubt that our glorious Texans, envy of all football and one true leader of AFC South, is unstoppable juggernaut bent on bringing victory to football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans as well as spreading truth of our revolution to other, vastly unworthy teams of NFL. Such was what combined offensive and defensive might of the people of Houston on Sunday after dispatching ridiculous and wholly underprepared Beiges of Cleveland 33-17! There is no team, no player, no playing surface that People’s Football Team of Texas cannot overcome!

As all loyal fans of Texans are aware, this week we face off against most loathed enemy, one that we hate more than even meth-addled harbingers of incest from Tennessee. That would, of course, be vile enemy: Nobody. As our dauntless Texans are undefeated against this marginal opponent, they are fundamentally not worth effort of drumming up new and interesting derogatory terms to describe them. They are not worth Ministry’s time to write, nor yours, as loyal comrade of Motherland, to read.

Instead, Minister of Information, man whose free time can be counted in minutes, has offered his precious spare time to Battle Red Blogger and unwavering supporter of glorious revolution of Texans, Diehard Chris, for question and answer session. Following questions have not been altered by Ministry for its wholly innocent and unbiased purposes. Answers are absolute and unquestionable truth about Texans and other issues which were entirely not interfered with by wholly objective Ministry of Information. Is unvarnished truth that could be believed by mere child without injuring itself...much.

On to the questions!

Diehard Chris: What did you expect out of Deshaun Watson in 2017?

Minister of Information: As you are no doubt aware, Houston Texans, in entire history, have never made bad draft choice. Not once. Only issues we’ve ever had with draft selections is when becomes crystal clear that polluted ideals pose grave threat to corrupt glorious Texans, strength of people of Houston. When this happens, we naturally have to do what needs to be done to pre-traitors. But that is for another time. Back to Deshaun Watson, pinnacle of humanity, when Supreme Leader O’Brien and Marshal of Texans Rick Smith moved up in draft to take lone good player in last year’s draft, there was no doubt that he would dominate league from moment one.

That said, as he is just rookie, we have taken care to tamp down expectations for Watson by predicting he would throw for modest 67 touchdowns, 8,000 passing yards, 2,300 rushing yards, and 33 rushing touchdowns. So far, he is exactly on very pace and we at the Ministry could not be more pleased.

There are those who would say those are unrealistic expectations, but those are voices of lesser fans and wholly untrustworthy media flacks, bought and paid for by John Elway and Robert Kraft. Anyone who says is impossible is not to be believed. Any Texans fan who says same should be watched carefully by those true to steel blue.

DC: The AFC South was, by most experts, thought to be there for the taking for the Tennessee Titans in 2017. How do you see the balance of the season shaking out for the division?

MOI: This exactly why you should never believe experts. They tell you exactly truth as they see it, not as really is. And truth as really exists is that AFC South was not, is not, and never will be endangered by team as pitiful and odoriferous as loathsome traitors from sticks. AFC South, only division in football that matters and highest prize in NFL, belongs to Texans now and forever. Put another way, if you want picture of future, imagine battle red boot stomping on Bud Adams’ face — forever.

As for exactly how division will shake out, I, and all true Texans fans, have no doubt that Texans will lose exactly one more game this season, against Pittsburgh, and that will only be due to seditious influence of NFL, whose upper echelons have conspired without end against Texans. Why? Because they fear us! They fear rise of fully mobilized Texans fan base, Texans team that can steamroll them with triple-digit scores! And among those who most desperately want destabilized Houston Texans, Pittsburgh Steelers are most grievous offenders. But ill-gotten win will be of little difference once Texans emerge from season with 12-4 record.

Against AFC South, it will be series of wins likes of which no team can ever hope to replicate, particularly against Jacksonville. Our vengeance against them for cheap shot win will be swift, furious, and absolute!

DC: Division follow-up... why do the fans of the Tennessee Titans hate peace?

MOI: Your obsession with Tennessee is troubling. Why do you continue to bring up team that is but mere louse in comparison to mighty Texans? I am concerned about just where your loyalties really lie. To answer your question, Ministry of Information has spent countless hours and untold amounts of people’s money trying to answer this very question.

As you well know, deceitful, ignorant fans of Traitors are proud and incestuous people, handful of whom have not made poor life choices, such as not living in Tennessee. That said, their unfortunate disposition, to say nothing of collective lack of teeth, can be traced to familial units/paramours.

Hapless jackals do prefer to breed within own family, which they claim keeps bloodline pure; in truth, merely prevents them from peeing in gene pool of rest of humanity. Is cultural preference of theirs, which Ministry’s top scientists theorize is result series of what they call “backyard wrasslin’” matches that went step too far. While it may work for their lifestyle, their choice of mating partners is generally limited and usually not much more attractive than themselves. This forced breeding with unattractive Tennesseans, who go by more technical term “two-bagger,” leads most Traitors fans to become irritable and jealous of other fans. Since Texans are zenith of football world, they are frequently recipients of purebred rednecks’ ire. They remain insignificant, however, as our top researchers predict they will breed themselves out of existence before end of decade.

DC: Speculation on Bill O'Brien's future in Houston has calmed since the team apparently has found its long-term quarterback. What do your insiders tell you about the ever-developing relationship between he and GM Rick Smith?

MOI: Speculation causes decay to general well-being of union of fans and players that comprise Houston Texans. This is why Ministry of Information exists in first place, so as to avoid such specious nonsense like this and provide nothing less than absolute truth to those who seek it.

Supreme Leader O’Brien and Rick Smith are brothers in arms, if not in name. They are two arms of same body and two minds with single thought. If there was any kind of rancor in past, which our insiders inform us was never case, was all water under bridge after diligent work of the People’s Footballburo of Internal Unity proved that all strife of past three seasons was work of vast Elwayist conspiracy headed by former highly-paid Cleveland Beiges quarterback intent on undermining football might of people of Texas!

I am proud to report that union between most benevolent leaders has never been stronger as result.

DC: Why did J.J. Watt once again decide spend the NFL season watching soccer and “Rick & Morty” reruns instead of helping the Houston Texans win football games?

MOI: Simple truth is that letting Hero of Texans Defense watch unfootball and cartoons was act of mercy on behalf of Texans Footballburo to rest of league. J.J. Watt is, for all intents and purposes, living weapon, one that under normal circumstances, would be finely tuned for maximum performance. However, Watt is entirely too powerful for rest of NFL to handle.

After numerous complaints from other teams, and fact that stadium security found Watt in middle of night gnawing on what looked to be bones of Zach Mettenberger in basement, it became clear that something had to be done to lower his intensity level.

If it weren’t for vicious sabotage undertaken by Chiefs, who Ministry now suspects injured his knee so as to spare coward Eric Fisher’s feelings, Watt would continue destroying offensive lines and quarterbacks, but hopefully without gnawing. That was just gross.

DC: Have you ever knowingly colluded to ensure Roger Goodell remains the NFL Commissioner? I've seen some e-mails.

MOI: Once upon time, our interests were aligned. As it is duty of all Texans and their fans to be honest, intrepid pursuers of truth, Ministry of Information provided more than little information to bumbling buffoon Goodell in years past. How do you think Tom Brady got his suspension? Had Goodell worked alone, he would have never acquired evidence needed, which was ultimately only uncovered by stalwart efforts of army of investigators with only barest minimum of forgery.

Unfortunately, Goodell seems to only have one master now, Robert Kraft, and our efforts to throw off yoke of “patriot” oppression for commissioner are only just getting off ground.

DC: Are you a stander or a kneeler?

MOI: I kneel out of true, patriotic love for Motherland, for football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans, and people of Mother Houston; and I stand for those comrades who cannot stand for themselves.

Comrade, physical pose one makes before a symbol is ultimately immaterial compared to feelings that dwell within hearts of people of Mother Houston. One that kneels is no less patriot of revolution than one who stands, as they can both feel love equally for team, homeland, and comrades.

To say that one must choose position of fealty, or that love they feel for comrades and Mother Houston are mutually exclusive, is preposterous. Idea that you must feel one or other is incongruous with ideals of our glorious revolution. Talk of absolutes is worth petty squabbling you would see from people of South Oklahoma, Northern Alabama, or another benighted fanbase. Mother Houston and her children are better than that.

DC: Have you ever tried Cajun food? Basically you sprinkle Tony Chachere's seasoning on anything and it's immediately anointed as Cajun.

MOI: ::buzzes intercom:: Send for the rats.

Do you have a question that you wish to ask of the Minister of Information? Need help with your love life? Want to know who to play in fantasy football? Looking for a great hamburger recipe that does not tout itself to be Cajun while being not even a little bit Cajun at all?

Submit your questions in the comments section. Immediacy is not guaranteed as Minister is quite busy, but he will answer all questions posed to him.

GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!