Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:
Comrades! After thwarting hapless Beiges of Cleveland and hated Nobody, which amounted to little more than extended bye week, our glorious Texans, People’s Football Vanguard of Texas, is ready to take field once more and share revolutionary ideals with teams and territories who prefer to remain ignorant to inexorable truth.
This week, our Battle Red Brethren travel to edge of world, or so cretins who run NFL would have us believe, to take on Seattle Seahawks, team so hopelessly backwater that they had to invent fake bird for mascot. Many of you will recall that Texans’ previous encounter with herons of northwest did not end satisfactorily. Many have claimed it was because Texans were in dire straits and errant pass or two ruined our hopes for yet another triumph against waterfowl. Nothing could be further from truth!
Truth is far more insidious than people of Houston have been led to believe by compliant national media sources. Sources within Ministry of Information indicate that coach at time, foul traitor Kubiak, was Elwayist sympathizer bent on destroying our Texans, beloved fury of our people, from within. Armed with this knowledge, players of Texans, including Arian Foster, Brian Cushing, Valiant Defender of the Quarterback Duane Brown, and young Hero of the Defense, J.J. Watt, agreed to save team by pretending to play well below expectations. That loss, and subsequent losses, started with lowly Seahawks, who nobody thought would win single game, was ultimate spark that exiled Elwayist traitor to true homeland in Denver and ushered in current era of unparalleled strength and success we have come to associate with Dear Leader, Comrade Bill O’Brien!
Gratitude we should feel for our Texans, who put team first by expelling pretender Kubiak and paving way for Dear Leader, should be boundless, like our capacity for winning.
But let us not dwell on past. Instead let us look toward glorious future, wherein Texans, strength of people, destroy enemy in stadium designed to make sounds of 12 people sound like 67,000. Is as preposterous conceit as is pointless, as most Seahawks games are played in utter silence due to concerns about environmental harm caused by rogue sound waves.
One of numerous paths that lay open for Texans’ domination would come from how they handle what Seahawks laughingly call offensive line. Line consists of right tackle Germain Ifedi, most penalized player in history of football; castoff from Hairballs of Jacksonville, Luke Joeckel; and fourth grade class of Mrs. Ethel Bumberfuss of Queen Anne Elementary School. When asked by reporters for Ministry of Information why Seahawks employ children to take such physically demanding role and how they are not all in prison for violation of child labor laws, unnamed source said, “They’re the only ones we could afford.”
Man responsible for turning these children, and quite possibly even class hamster, Squishy, into distinguished warriors of gridiron is Tom Cable, man ill-suited to work as assistant cabbage herder, let alone as offensive line coach. We at Ministry of Information, are utterly perplexed as to how such giggling imbecile can find steady work at something that doesn’t involve wearing paper hat.
The result of this vast offensive incompetence is that their quarterback is constantly running for his life. He would run in fear, but our highly objective and not at all questionable investigators here at Ministry have uncovered proof that diminutive quarterback Wilson is merely android, developed and built by NFL to be perfect semi-sentient being to play without questioning human overlords, spout mindless cliches, and to shill in manner which would make professional pitchman Peyton Manning blush.
Just look at cold, soulless eyes. This is not face of living person. This is machine built for focus groups and throwing footballs around. Why do you think he was so conspicuous about remaining chaste until marriage? Because of beliefs? No, comrades! This was cynical attempt by the NFL to hastily create synthetic human parts to convince then-fiancee Ciara that he is real person and not go to authorities.
Is shame for Seahawks that they must rely on such cheap deception to have solid, if inauthentic, quarterback on roster, very much unlike People’s Hero of Offensive Performance, Deshaun Watson. Watson, who is entirely real and far more so than Wilson could ever hope to be, is also performing at capacity that would lead to him eclipsing rookie record for touchdowns scored in season. That record is currently set at 26, held jointly by bad pizza stooge Peyton Manning and sentient android Russell Wilson.
Make no mistake, comrades, Seahawks do not want Watson to share or surpass this record. To that end, they have secured the services of former Texans nuisance Dwight Freeney. This, to them, serves multiple purposes. Is believed, according to credible Ministry reports, that primary purpose of Freeney is to make impenetrable wall that is Texans’ offensive line, which Seahawks can only marvel at while bemoaning own inadequacy, nervous at what Freeney can do to them. This might have worked 12-15 years ago when weakling Freeney was still relevant.
Seattle also hopes to increase number of sacks team has registered so far this season. Head coach Pete Carroll, errant leprechaun suffering from ADHD, is obsessed with pass rush and knowledge that they have gotten fewest sacks to date in his blighted tenure is doubtless driving him mad. Well...madder.
As of last notice we received from our investigator, this is how Carroll was dressed during last Seahawks practice.
This is not look of sane individual, comrades. He appears unbalanced, deeply disturbed, yet oddly relaxed. We should all be grateful that we have phenomenal offensive genius like Dear Leader O’Brien, who shares none of these traits and has given us countless wins in return.
There is also matter of Seahawks’ running game. As of this writing, Seahawks have approximately 24 running backs on roster, of which three and a half are healthy. These running backs vary in size, speed, and performance, from large and luxurious Eddie Lacy, who clocks in at roughly half mile per pound, to speedy J.D. McKissic. It matters little who runs ball for Seahawks; all will be crushed by might of our stout defensive front!
We will not faulter against eclectic band of misfits cast before our glorious Texans, comrades. They will go to ends of earth and bring back victory for football loving fans and players of Houston Texans! To make sure they do so, Minister of Information himself will be attending Sunday’s game. This way Texans will know that eyes of Motherland are upon them and that they must perform at utmost at all times!
To Inevitable Triumph of Texans, Lead Us On!
GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!