Hair of the Dog (Texans-Seahawks): A Dog Star Is Born

Hello, and good [whatever time of day it is you’re reading this]. You’re probably wondering why you’re seeing this on Tuesday rather than first thing Monday morning. That’s understandable. The simple reason is because the Texans were playing in Seattle for the first time in 12 years.

I will write this again, because I know the NFL reads my ramblings and would like to know of my displeasure about this: FOR THE FIRST TIME IN TWELVE [KITTENING] YEARS, YOU GIGGLING IMBECILES!

Anyway, because of this, our fearless leader Tim (who flew up to Seattle for the game) and I took the game in live and in person. Once the game ended, Game Five of the World Series began almost immediately afterward, which left very little time to write anything other than obscenities and complete nonsense about the constant back and forth of that game.

That’s poor hustle on my part. I’ll try and be a better teammate from here on out.

Anyway on what is effectively a one-and-a-half day hangover (not a two-day hangover; last thing I need is some simple country lawyer from Arkansas suing me for copyright infringement or some nonsense), here is this week’s Hair of the Dog.

As always, in finest HotD tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make this safe to read at work.

Strap in, kids, it’s gonna get ridiculous.

First Quarter:

(First drive of the game, Deshaun Watson throws long bomb to Will Fuller, Texans lead 7-0)

Luke

Well.......that was unexpected.

Brett

DESHAUN WATSON. WILL FULLER. OH MY [KITTEN].

Luke

That is a rare Earl Thomas mistake.

Also goes to show, Thomas literally just put one foot wrong and that was enough to put him out of position. Fuller's speed is just killer.

Weston

Deshaun Watson is like Russel Wilson but better

(Earl Thomas intercepts Watson, takes it for a touchdown, game tied 7-7)

Luke

Are you happy now [BFD]? Looked what you did!

Brett

Earl just got him back with a pick six. You can't fool him twice.

BFD

Who has two thumbs and picked up Earl Thomas for fantasy and just got a pick six and is awesome and hung and awesomely hung?

THIS GUY. LOLOLOLOLOL!

(Ed. Note: Nobody cares about your fantasy team, Seahawk BFD.)

Luke

Worth noting that the Seahawks started pressing Fuller during that drive. They ain't giving him a clean release again.

This is weird. Are we really good or are the Seahawks having a bad day?

(Lamar Miller runs for a touchdown, Texans lead 14-7)

Brett

And in goes Lamar Miller to the end zone. If you had told me early in the season that the Texans offense would be tearing up the [kitten]ing SEAHAWKS like this IN SEATTLE, I would have thought you were crazy.

BFD

Lamar Miller with a 3-yard "scamper" for the TD. XP is good. Juggernaut 14, UT's Mixed Feelings 7.

(Ed. Note: Oh, shut up.)

BFD (cont’d.)

Our offensive coordinator, Dabo Swinney, is calling a helluva game.

Brett

I'm seriously ready to by a Dabo Texans jersey just because I love him so much.

(Wilson burns KJax for a big gain to Tyler Lockett)

Luke

Turn around.......KJax.

Brett

Turn your [kitten]ing head please Kareem.

Weston

I hope [UT] got his trifold Texans Seahawks jersey in time.

(Ed. Note: No.)

MDC

Who bet $20 at +120 on a D TD in this game? This guy.

Luke

Can't be mad at that. That's just really smart.

(Wilson throws incomplete pass, Seahawks challenge that the ball was fumbled and recovered by Seattle. Call is overturned to give Seattle the first down)

Tim (via text)

You have to be [kitten]ing kidding me.

UT

That was bull[kitten].

Brett

Seahawks challenged an incomplete pass and asserted that they did in fact fumble the football...and they won....and it actually helped them. Amazing.

(Wilson tosses to Richardson for a touchdown. Game tied at 14.)

Luke

Hal didn't track Richardson across his zone.

Brett

Russell Wilson does Russell Wilson things and finds Paul Richardson for a game-tying touchdown. It's 14 all.

Luke

Alfred Blue? I thought we were past this.

MDC

Alfred Blue. He needed the money.

BFD

Clowney doing a heck of a job when he's on spy duty.

MDC

He must work for Putin.

Brett

First quarter just came to a close, and we're still tied at 14. Not gonna lie, that's a good start by our standards.

Second Quarter:

BFD

Clowney picking up on Watt's no-hold calls, too.

Luke

Remind me to gif that bandana wearing Seahawks fan later.

(Ed. Note: Luke, remember to gif that bandana-wearing Seahawks fan.)

Brett

Glad to see O'Brien nut up and go for it there. We need this drive.

Weston

I'm so happy Mancz is playing over Allen's bloated carcass

Weston

Please don't Luke

I hate those nerds

(Watson throws a 20 yard touchdown to Will Fuller. Texans lead 21-14)

Weston (cont’d.)

Holy [kitten]

Luke

Holy [kitten] I was should I have set the over/under on Fuller's TD number at more than 12.

BFD

DW4 is a [kitten]ing wizard.

BFD

@Oracle gif me Clowney throwing a FB into the RB. Thank!

Luke

Stack and shed is for nerds.

Diehard Chris

Deshaun Watson is a mother[kitten]ing BALLER. Incredible.

Luke

Kevin Johnson just got beaten downfield by a QB.

Kenneth

Kevin Johnson is getting picked on.

Weston

It would be cool if Kevin Johnson wasn't [kitten]ny

(Wilson finds Richardson again, game tied 21-21)

Brett

We've got a shootout on our hands, ladies and gents.

BFD (to Luke)

It's more like stack and toss, amirite?

Luke

That sounds far too much like a sex act.

Weston

Put Jeff Allen in a diaper and toss him into the sun

(Ed. Note: Speaking of things that sound like a sex act.)

Luke

Oh [Kitten], not another ad with an Imagine Dragons song.

Weston

That Jason Witten Geico commercial is the most hillbilly [kitten] I've ever seen and I'm a Titans fan.

Luke

Not even that it's not even vaguely or remotely connected in ANY WAY TO INSURANCE. Here's Jason Witten running a shuttle drill, do you know your house could burn down at any moment and you should be protected against that?

Brett

It's the knock off John Mellencamp music in that commercial that really cracks me up. We get it, Geico. You like America.

Weston

Here's a little ditty about JASON WITEEEEN

Luke

This is fur all you out there that like gettin durt on your plaid shirt.

Halftime Reactions:

BFD

I'd like to place my early vote for Dabo Swinney as coach of the year.

Brett

Deshaun Watson is literally the only thing giving me hope for this season. If Tom Savage was our quarterback, we might legitimately be one of the five worst teams in the league.

Luke

This is bonkers.

Was there a contested Seattle catch during that half at all? What was Phil Simms talking about.

Damm Covington hasn't been garbage. We need him out there.

(Ed. Note: Luke, we need to talk about that monkey’s paw you’ve been carrying around with you.)

Vega

Clowney has been a beast today.

MDC (to Brett)

I think bottom five is generous in that scenario. If we had Savage at QB and all the same injuries, we're MAYBE better than Cleveland.

Third Quarter:

Brett

Clowney has been holding this defense together all by his damn self.

Weston

Is Foreman injured or are they actually dumb enough to give Blue carries instead??

Luke (to Weston)

It ain't the former. Foreman's in the game now.

Brett

Deshaun Watson's legs are [kitten]ing amazing. I can't believe how often he bails this team out.

Luke

Dwight Freeney's spin move is still amazing.

Weston

In Kendrick Lamar's voice

To you that's amazing

Brett

McKinney is such a monster. It's like running into a wall.

Luke

Why was there a dude in Dodgers gear in the crowd?

Seahawks still haven't hit double digits in rushing yardage.

Brett

Deshaun makes a very ill-advised throw on a crossing route, which is promptly picked off by Richard Sherman

Luke

Clowney is eating Seattle's LT alive.

MDC

We don't deserve a trio as good as Hopkins/Watson/Clowney.

Vega

Well at least the special teams have gotten better.

(Ed. Note: I have to think this is sarcasm.)

Weston

After the last three seasons we deserve all of it

Fourth Quarter:

(Watson passes to Lamar Miller for a touchdown. Texans lead 31-27)

Luke

[Kitten], same action, near same result.

BFD

DESHAUN WATSON IS A MOTHER[KITTEN]ING WIZARD.

Brett

OH MY [KITTEN] DESHAUN. WHAT THE [KITTEN]. HOW DID YOU DO THAT.

Vega

DESHAUN WATSON IS A MOTHER[KITTEN]ING TEXAN.

Luke

ITSA KIND OF MAGIC

We're down to negative numbers for Seattle's rushing totals today.

Brett

I mean I knew their run offense was bad but this is just horrific.

Weston

Their run offense is mediocre

I think Kevin Johnson is bad fellas and that makes me sad

Luke

I'm ready to say he's bad but the injuries ain't helping.

Vega

I think Kareem Jackson is worse. At least Johnson still has upside.

Brett

Kareem needs to just switch to safety already. This is painful.

MDC

Agreed. His existing skillset would make him an above average safety.

(Watson makes short pass to Hopkins who takes it 72 yards for the touchdown. Texans lead 38-34)

Luke

This is cool.

Vega

So Deshaun Watson has 400 yards and 4TDs against Seattle. And the WR screen worked.

BFD

WIZARD.

I need something better than all caps. OMkitten.

Weston

It's cool to no longer yearn for the days of Matt Schaub

Jeremy

Every week just blows my mind.

MDC

Remember when blinking text was "cool" on websites? That's how I feel I need to write about Deshaun Waston.

Also, my phone just tried to autocorrect that to "The Schaub" and I considered throwing it against the wall.

Kenneth

Is J-Jo injured? Who is this Williams guy at CB and why he this so bad?

Luke

This is turning into more of a ''Can you just force them into a field goal'' kind of game.

(Marcus Williams forces an interception for the Texans.)

Luke (cont’d.)

HOLY [KITTEN]

Weston

I'm getting week 3 NE flashbacks

lol never mind

BFD

Speechless, and in a good way for a change.

Kenneth

Eating my words immediately. He is a [kitten] and is going to the HOF

(Texans offense goes three and out after three consecutive runs up the middle.)

BFD

Too damn conservative, Dabo.

Luke

Okay, now you can start having NE flashbacks Matt.

Vega

What is going on with this secondary?

Weston

"Your defense is playing well"

They've given up 34 points and are bailed out by an interception

Luke

[KITTEN] BRANDIN COOKS IS RUNNING OPEN DOWN THE SIDELINE AGAIN.

(Wilson finds Jimmy Graham in the end zone for the touchdown. Seahawks lead 41-38.)

Weston

They should of franchise tagged AJ Bouye

Luke

[Kitten] it.

BFD

Texans'd.

(Texans’ comeback attempt comes up short. Seahawks win 41-38.)

Post-Game Reactions:

BFD

I watched the replay a couple times, and I can't tell what coverage scheme they were in. Regardless, two guys were wide open on the play, and most of the defense wasn't near a receiver.

Kenneth

If they weren't so thin in the secondary already I would say cut Gilchrist after this game. Absolutely embarrassing.

Weston

More Bill O'Brien end game mismanagement

Brett

We should just stop running the ball on third downs with the game on the line. [Kitten].

Hey! Let’s give out some game balls!

Offense - Deshaun Watson. This is becoming very common, and I couldn’t be happier about it. Throwing for 400 yards and four touchdowns is a good way to get consideration for a completely arbitrary and ultimately meaningless game ball.

Defense - Jadeveon Clowney was eating souls on the field, particularly the left tackle’s, as Luke mentioned earlier.

Special Teams - I guess we’ll give it to Ka’imi Fairbairn again for doing solid work by not making extra points and field goals something to worry about.

Got some additional thoughts about Sunday’s game even though this is late and you still gotta get stuff off your chest? Well, that’s what we have a comments section for. So go on, comment then.