clock menu more-arrow no yes mobile

Filed under:

Houston Sports Ministry of Information’s Sunday Night Football Preview - Kansas City Chiefs (Updated)

This is the most objective preview of the Texans’ Sunday Night Football matchup against the Chiefs you will find on the planet.

If you buy something from an SB Nation link, Vox Media may earn a commission. See our ethics statement.

We are at war with Kansas City. We have always been at war with Kansas City.

Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:

Comrades! Do you not see that sky is bluer, grass looks greener, and waft of meth has dissipated from our air? This is way world ought to be as might of people of Houston, our glorious Texans, made example of pitiful traitors of north Alabama. The 57 points scored by rumbling juggernaut of football excellence shall forever serve as reminder to those that would turn backs on Mother Houston after all that she has provided for us, her grateful children.

We must always keep in our hearts names of those who made it possible. First there is Honored Member of Texans Defense Andre Hal, whose hands of the lightest, fluffiest cotton cradled not one, but two, interceptions for people of Houston.

We must also remember two-time Order of Teh Schaub recipient, and current holder of AFC Player of the Week status, Deshaun Watson, for his inspired performance as engine of offense for People’s Football Team of Texas. His 13 touchdown passes and 3 rushing touchdowns against eternal nemeses will not only go down in history as single greatest offensive performance in history of football, but will forever strike fear in hearts of those who would dare to supplant our valiant Texans as lone superpower of only division that matters, AFC South.

But, of course, none of this would be possible without calm demeanor and expert playcalling of our Supreme Leader, Comrade O’Brien. His patented “Revere The Bull and Expel The Barbarians” offensive scheme has been rousing success every time it’s been used; Sunday, however, it worked so effortlessly as to achieve its own form of sentience. The coach of football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans is truly wise beyond all our hopes and expectations.

We must also remember those who work toward our revolutionary ends even if they do not don steel blue of our Texans. Comrade Brice McCain, who has been joined by Brandon Weeden, continues his outstanding efforts in collaborating with Mother Houston to blunt the aggression of duplicitous traitors at great risk to personal health due to meth inhalation. While is certain that DeAndre Hopkins would have gotten better of any player woeful traitors of north Alabama could throw at him, is good to know that Comrade McCain has earned such trust with traitors as to put him in position to assist his comrades in arms however he can.

Is heartening to see so many who have cast off oppressive yoke of other NFL teams in favor of freedom and only football team in Texas. This should serve as comfort to all those in Houston loyal to Motherland.

But this is not case. It has come to attention of Ministry of Information that there remain vast pockets of people within heart of Mother Houston who remain disloyal to her team! Leaving aside eternally benighted traitors who cling to dead team in superstitious belief that they still exist in some form, we have those who would dare to criticize only objective source of Texans information.

Their criticism of our glorious Ministry, who speaks only truth on behalf of Mother Houston and her Texans, centers around our frequent use of imagery to inspire and cheer hearts of the people of Houston. Why would they make such obviously fraudulent claims and pretend to speak on behalf of football-loving fans and players of Mother Houston?

How can you hate any image which inspires countless millions of people?

Behold this image. How can you look upon it and not be drawn to it? How do you not work harder at your own tasks so as to live up to Comrade Watson’s immortal example? How much hatred must you have in heart against the people and players of Houston to say that such moving tribute is...bad? It makes no sense.

Or this? Are these frauds going to pretend that looking at sparkle in Comrade Clowney’s eyes will not cause women of all ages to weep out of unmitigated love? Or that it will not cause all loyal patriots to Motherland to work harder toward our revolutionary ideals? They cannot say this! Lies that pass through their keyboards will not detract from our true purpose, nor should you be tricked by bald falsehoods!

Now, is entirely possible that they are simply jealous of vast network of highly-placed and extremely credible sources available to ever-humble Ministry; this could even be considered minor and utterly miserable attempt to usurp Ministry as only and unquestionable source of Texans news in world. But our unnamed sources are best in world, and they have discovered truth about these interlopers. What they will never tell you, comrades, is that not only is this campaign of deceit, which you are entirely too smart to fall for, but is also campaign financed by forces from disputed territory claimed by Oklahoma! Is nothing short of false flag from Dallas!

In truth, we did not need hard-working and ever-vigilant sources of Ministry of Information to discover this. The writer of post in question goes by name of “Big D.” Is uncertain whether he simply thought none of us would understand this bit of slang or if he, in fact, has brain size of leprechaun’s testicle.

Hero of Texans Defense Watt is inspiration to all loyal to Mother Houston!

Fact remains that proud and industrious people of Mother Houston will not be fooled by proxy of south Oklahoma! We will not be cowed out of bringing out best of Mother Houston in word and image!


Ministry of Information calls upon all those loyal to Mother Houston to disregard haters of Texans, the Arlington-based counterrevolutionaries who staff that fraudulent blog, and everything they stand for!

But enough about minor riffraff. They are and will always be irrelevant. What matters now is great task that lays ahead of football-loving fans and players of our glorious Texans. On Sunday night, football might of Houston faces off, once more, against troublesome and confusingly-named Chiefs of Kansas City.

Make no mistake, comrades, this game will be single biggest challenge facing only football team in state of Texas. There is distinct possibility that they might even score against bulwark of strength that is our ferocious front seven. Their offense has been rejuvenated by changes to composition of team. Many are inclined to think that is due to Kareem Hunt as new running back, causing headaches for other, far inferior defenses, but this is not entirely reason.

It would be irresponsible of hard-working and always accurate Ministry of Information to ignore passing game of the Chiefs, who insist on calling their stadium kingdom for incomprehensible reasons. Alex Smith, weak-willed simp whose throws normally make traitor [UNPERSON] look like actual quarterback, has played surprisingly decently over season and part of that is because of his many completions to Travis Kelce, who may or may not suffer from dissociative personality disorder.

Reason for this connection being so successful can be attributed, according to exhaustive work of Ministry’s highly-credible reporters, to reality show he participated in, wherein women across country, except for virtuous women of Mother Houston who are above such things, compete to date tight end. Reports indicate that Kelce came out of that show with no fewer than 649 diseases ranging from gonorrhea to Martian Death Flu.

With that array of illnesses swimming around within him like human petri dish, no defensive player wants to be within 100 feet of Kelce. Is not his talent; is lengths he’ll go for strange, which accounts for his so-called success! How shameful, yet unsurprising, that women of Kansas City are insufficient for him.

But do not fret, those of you true to steel blue! Our defense has shown they are willing to sacrifice well-being for greater glory of People’s Football Team of Texas! They will gladly stop Kelce and his turbo-charged plague to topple last undefeated team in football, to send message that nothing will stop our indomitable defense!

It might not even get that far, as Chiefs’ offensive line, patchwork of injury-prone players and outright cowards (such as always blubbering Eric Fisher), could provide some opportunities for people’s pass rushing unit to slip through and hit Alex Smith in ways that would make him squeak in ways unnatural for human beings. Even now, coward Fisher appears on injury list, looking for ways to get out of Sunday’s game. Is common knowledge that single snarl from lips of Hero of Texans Defense J.J. Watt has been known to cause seizures of terror to strike Fisher’s heart. As of last reports, Fisher had been seen walking into traffic on I-70 carrying sign saying, “I have to face J.J. Watt on Sunday, please hit me with your car.” Unfortunately for him, there have been no takers.

Speaking of taking things, many reports have come out that players and staff in Chiefs organization have heard great deal of wailing and barks of utter despair coming from office of belligerent walrus and head coach of Chiefs, Andy Reid. You may ask why. Their team, according to alleged news sites which are little more than fronts, similar to pro-Dallas blog you should totally disregard, is actually not terrible for once. Reid knows now, as world does, the wonder, the quarterback upon which all future quarterbacks will be compared to, that is Deshaun Watson.

“We had him,” said Reid in the midst of some truly pathetic blubbering. “He was right in our hands and we could’ve drafted him right then and there. But no, (Chiefs GM at the time John) Dorsey had to go and get this schmuck from Lubbock. Just look at him!”

He pointed at Chiefs rookie Patrick Mahomes, who was busy chewing on a page of the playbook. “Am I doing it right, Coach?”

Reid simply shook his head as his tusks glistened in the sunlight. “This is what I have to deal with.”

It is little surprise that passing on Watson cost Dorsey his job, and soon he will cost other teams’ front office staff their jobs as well.

Watson could prove difficult for Chiefs defense that has struggled against the run, meaning the Texans’ quarterback, the only quarterback the Texans have ever had in entire Bill O’Brien era, could run for potentially 400 yards against them. His passing game might be hampered by secondary that includes reactionary hothead Marcus Peters. However, high command of the Texans have plan to deal with him.

During razor-close win against their previous opponent, Peters went on a profanity-laced tirade against opposing fans. Is incumbent upon football-loving fans of Texans to annoy, to irritate, to goad Peters into jumping into fans a la Ron Artest. If he does lunge after you, comrade, remember that you are doing your patriotic duty to Motherland and every punch to face, assuming he punches there, is punch that will lead to yet another glorious victory for all of Houston!

Challenge is great and rewards are many, but People’s Football Team of Texas have toppled giants in past. The lowly Chiefs should prove to be no threat!

To inevitable triumph of the Texans, lead us on!

Glory to Mother Houston.

While in course of pursuing revolutionary justice for football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans, we must never forget the first betrayal of our virtuous people. With that in mind, and new Vice Minister of Digital Imagery, Ministry of Information has added new section to its usual highly-informative and entirely relevant content.

We give you Two Minutes Hate!

Bud Adams: Enemy of the People, Agitator Against the Revolution, Bird-Flipping Enthusiast.

The Minister of Information is now on Twitter, proclaiming the glory of Houston Sports wherever they play and at all times. Follow him there at HouSportsMinInf!