Hair Of The Dog (Texans-Chiefs): Through The Looking Dog

I can’t even bring myself to talk about Sunday night’s game. Suffice it to say, it sucked on numerous levels.

Instead, I would like to discuss something far more easy to talk about, but just as irritating—the inappropriate use of the word “autumn” in sandwiches.

::adjusts English teacher hat::

There’s a “restaurant” that rhymes with Lubmay currently advertising a turkey sandwich with cheddar and cranberry-based mustard. I’ve had it and it’s just as mediocre as you might think it is. The name of this sandwich is the Autumn Carved Turkey sandwich.

Now, I understand that language evolves over time and words that mean one thing a century ago might take on a different meaning now. I understand that language is being supplanted by emojis; while I roll my eyes at it, I at least get that the thoughts and expressions being conveyed in emoji makes sense.

But no matter what form the language takes, the rules still apply to it. No matter how many marketing campaigns Lubmay takes out for their oversauced creations, autumn has never been, is not now, and will never be the adverb they want it to be. “Autumn carved” makes no literal sense in any way, shape, or form.

You cannot carve something in an autumnly manner, even if you buy special knives for the occasion. Just because Lubmay employs dunces who couldn’t be bothered to reach for a thesaurus rather than use tortured language to evoke an emotion (hell, call it Thanksgiving-carved turkey if you want to do that) doesn’t mean they get to warp the language to sell their crap sandwiches.

It’s like another “restaurant” that has a Scottish sounding name I won’t mention because they’re not paying me either. Their burgers aren’t grilled or fried. They’re “sear-sizzled to perfection.” THIS IS NOT A THING. In 10,000 years, when the world is a burnt, radioactive husk ruled by Skynet, people will not be sear-sizzling their soylent burgers. That is not a cooking technique. It’s garbage language.

So, dear reader, who has probably closed their laptop out of boredom by now, do your part to make the world a better place. Call the marketing agencies and fast food chains that are screwing up the language and demand that they stop it. Your country will thank you, and eventually, so will Skynet.

Enough about that. You’re here for the pithy commentary. Unfortunately you’ll have to settle for us wording good about the football thing. You’ll make do, I’m sure.

As always, in finest Hair of the Dog tradition, all swear words have been replaced with the word [kitten] to make the thread safe for work consumption. Why you’d be consuming this at work is beyond me but, you know, it’s your life, you know what’s best.

On with the words!

Pre-Game Thoughts:

Vega

I'm in Vegas for a conference. I've somehow convinced multiple coworkers to bet on the Texans tonight.

UT

Last I saw the point spread was -1 in favor of KC. Can't say I saw that coming.

Capt Ron

Dear Travis Kelce, may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your crotch.

UT

Considering those women he dated on that reality show, fleas might be the least-horrific thing infesting his nether-regions.

Tim

Kevin Walter is the Homefield Advantage Captain. Fate has spoken.

Weston

Hell yeah. We've had to wait a week to watch Deshaun Watson play and that's way too [kitten] long.

First Quarter:

UT

And the Chiefs already have an injury.

Brett

Looked like he took a really nasty leg whip to the head or neck area. They seem to be playing it very cautiously, checking all his extremities.

Weston

There are few things in the NFL that I love more than seeing Eric Fisher get beat.

BFD

Not generating pressure. Our plan to play JJ Watt in a 9-wide type spot on passing downs continues to be stupid AF.

Weston

Andre Hal is making an AJ Bouyeish leap this year.

UT

So far the only thing I know for sure is if it's third down and anything, we're just going to leave their receivers open to make a first down.

Weston

Damn this zone coverage is crappy

BFD

Rushed two and dropped Dunn into coverage. That doesn't seem very bright.

Weston

Hey some third down pressure finally!

UT

OH NOT WATT [KITTEN]!

Weston

Well [kitten]ing [kitten] [kitten]

Seeing J.J. Watt cry is the most disheartening thing I've ever seen. It's like seeing your dad cry.

Brett

Watt looked on the verge of tears coming off the field

Capt Ron

[Kitten] everything!

UT

This is bad. I think the question of when do we see Watt's first sack just became irrelevant.

UT

And Mercilus is out with a chest injury.

Fan-[kitten]ing-tastic.

BFD

It feels like a piece of my soul was ripped out.

MDC

[Duck] everything. And don't change that to kitten, dammit.

Kdentify

Sometimes ​I think supporting this team makes me numb to pain. Neither Mercilus nor Watt will be playing again tonight, and Watt doesn't look like he's going to play again this season.

Capt Ron

And probably a pectoral for Merc. What a horrific first series, and only the 5th game of the season.

UT

PFF Position Ranking puts Jeff Allen at 38th out of 38 (whatever that means), and I'm not even a little surprised about this.

Weston

I love that Allen PFF stat.

Weston

Damn I really wish KC wore their turtle necks during the player introductions.

Well that's the first strange wtf Watson throw this game.

UT

The failure of this drive can be laid squarely on Chris Clark's shoulders.

kdentify

ST did a thing! A good thing!

Capt Ron

Let’s set the Clark watch: 2 holds, and counting.

UT

Ron, in his "defense" he only has one hold, the other is a dumb[kitten] block in the back penalty.

Still, [kitten] Chris Clark and anyone who looks like him.

BFD

@Oracle GIF me Clowney almost killing Tyreek Hill 15 yards downfield.

RIP pass rush.

Second Quarter:

Weston

I love Kareem Jackson low tackles

(on Kelce tackle to stop the drive) I don't think his knee ever went down. It's great how the refs are as sick of Kelce as Diehard Chris is.

Jeremy

KC just trying to keep Deshaun off the field. Playing the same possession game we tried to play last week against Tennessee.

UT

Leave J.J. Watt the [kitten] alone already NBC.

kdentify

Beyonce and Destiny's Child reminding us that we're survivors. We'll need to be.

(to UT) Nah, this has messed up their planned narrative and they know [kitten] all about the rest of the team, so it's going to be all-JJ all night.

Weston

This game sucks but McKinney taking on Eric Fisher and making buckles pop on run tackles doesn't.

I wish Glichrist would lose the #21. It breaks my heart every time I see him on the field.

Mike

Just got caught up. Wish I hadn’t.

Saw Mark Messier cry once when he took a slapshot puck to the shin. Seeing JJ mist up was about the same.

Man I hope Vrabel has some crazy kitten up his sleeve...

Weston

[Kitten] third down and [kitten] knee injuries

UT

And [kitten] fumbles too.

Weston

(As Carrie Underwood) [Kiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiitten] Sunday Night

Capt Ron

I hate the Chiefs so damn much!

BFD

Deshaun Watson was working his RIGHT shoulder after that tackle. This is a freaking nightmare.

UT

This feels like a [kitten] funeral.

Mike

Dear Prime Time Bill O’Brien Texans,

I’m sorry but we can’t keep doing this. It’s not me, it’s you. Don’t take it personally, I just can’t anymore.

I’ll be back for my stuff in the morning...

MDC (to UT)

Nah. Funerals have an element of celebrating the life. This is more like a death march.

Weston

Vrabel rushing only three and playing zone coverage sucks.

MDC

I've switched over to the Indians game.

Just in time to see the Yankees load the bases.

Happy Sunday!

UT

The way NBC is covering J.J. Watt's trip to the hospital, I'm glad he's not going for a colonoscopy.

MDC

Tell me this is all just an elaborate prank and everyone is actually fine.

kdentify

No, no more times the injury. Eff NBC right now.

MDC

Andrew Miller induces a pop-up. Inning over. Game still tied at nil.

UT (to MDC)

Baseball is stupid.

(D’Onta Foreman runs for 25 yards)

Weston

Damn I love that jet sweep option play.

Brett

Foreman trying to make up that fumble.

MDC

Cheer up. It's almost basketball season, so you can root for the Sonics.

(later)

If Collinsworth ever calls Foreman "Earl Campbell" again, I'll [kitten]ing kill him.

BFD (to MDC)

Tough but fair.

(Watson connects with DeAndre Hopkins. Texans trail 16-7)

UT

YEAHHHH!!!

::sees flag::

NOOOOOO!!!

Mike

Jeff Allen: not just the worst in Houston, but the worst in the League

MDC

OF THE WORLD, CRAIG! THE WORLD!!

UT

I want to start a Kickstarter to raise money to make Al Michaels try and pronounce Ka'imi Fairbairn's full name.

BFD

Looks like Watson is fine, too. Thank Durga.

Brett

Alex Smith's mobility is seriously the most annoying thing to play against in the NFL.

Weston

Do you think Vrabel is a good DC?

(later)

I'm loving Collinsworth calling Kelce a tough guy and Diehard Chris having an aneurysm in his half painted home.

kdentify

It's hard to say Vrabel's a good DC when this defense, with Watt, wasn't able to outplay last season's defense, without Watt. The absence of Cushing CANNOT possibly mean this much to this defense, and the team must have thought they had a replacement for Bouye because they let him walk.

Mike

Wonder if Congress could pass a law that makes NFL refs enforce the holding penalties constantly committed against the Houston front seven...

Weston

I don't know. I'm just not seeing anything LIVE that shows him doing anything to help this defense play well.

Cunningham and Hal missing a tackle on the same play is just something that had to happen at least once this year.

MDC

Greg Bird homers. Yankees lead 1-0. I hate this day.

Mike

Thanks for praising the crap oline Collinsworth - just in time for a sack.

UT

I mean I don't think he's Frankenbush and he doesn't have a lot to work with in the secondary and down a pair of pass rushers. But he sure hasn't done much to stand out.

kdentify

I loathe the Cleveland Indians, but I need them to win tonight. I can't take any more sports disappointment.

Halftime Reactions:

UT

I'll be off getting a beer.

kdentify

I'm going to drink some wine and cry.

Weston

I'm going to go with Pat to walk to the cornerstore to get some beer too and then watch the Windians with MDC.

Third Quarter:

kdentify

And, yet again, NBC chooses to be the horrible people they are by showing this [kitten] again. Shut up Cris.

Brett

UT (to Brett)

::sobs uncontrollably::

Brett

Oh hey Zach Cunningham did a thing.

Deshaun Watson is the best thing to ever happen to Lamar Miller.

UT

GLORY TO ALL PASS INTERFERENCE OFFENSE!

kdentify

TF is a tibial plateau fracture and is it better or worse than an ACL?

(Watson connects with Fuller, Texans down 23-13)

UT

I AIN'T HEARD NO FAT LADY!

Brett

Deshaun you beautiful son of a [kitten].

MDC

And to me.

(BOB challenges long third down conversion. Which one? Who knows? There were so many)

Brett

No way his feet were not in when he had possession. Looks like he only got one in.

UT

BOB, why? Why are you doing this? You know how this always ends for you.

Weston

That Tyreek Hill route was the most despicable thing I've ever seen.

(Call stands, because of course)

Brett

That was a bad [kitten]ing call. That left foot wasn't down.

Fourth Quarter:

UT

As near as I can tell the entire second half conversation has been "a noun, a verb, and Alex Smith."

Capt Ron

Brian T. Smith being a snarky [kitten] with pointing out Watt’s games played stat the last 2 years before this game is even finished. A/K/A “injury prone” narrative via passive aggressive approach. That’s some cold [kitten]. At least wait 24 hours. Where is decency in sports journalism?

UT

Al and Cris are now talking about the storm damage so you know they've run out of things to talk about.

(Deshaun launches a deep ball to Will Fuller for a touchdown, Texans down 26-20)

UT

I love watching Deshaun Watson play.

Brett

HOLY.

[KITTEN]ING.

[KITTEN].

Weston (who seemed to be on his own little adventure somewhere)

Oooooooo giirrrrrl you be you lookin like a Chevette or something.

BFD

Deshaun Watson is like good and stuff.

Capt Ron

Watson to Fuller is just an awesome thing to see!

Weston

My hot take is that Watt is more injury prone than Cushing.

Now after this second season ending injury on a non contact sort of play.

UT (to Weston)

I'm inclined to agree. Watt's injuries aren't the doing of other players like Cushing's was to Slauson. They just sort of happened.

Weston

And the Charles cut block on him was a [kitten] car wreck.

I want RAC to pop a [kitten] out and start calling these defensive plays for the rest of the year.

(Chiefs score, defense doesn’t seem to notice, KC up 32-20)

Brett

The defense has literally gotten one stop all game. That's all they need is just one more and they can't get it done. So frustrating.

UT

Sure, what's another injury to the defense? Oh, it's Corey Moore? Fine, go ahead.

(Texans’ special teams showing off...something or other, I kind of blocked it out, Chiefs go up 39-20)

UT

Bad defense, bad special teams, kinda good offense.

Oh [Kitten]...we're back in the Kubiak era.

Capt Ron

Special teams coverage puts the dagger in.

Weston

Or a punt return touchdown.

Bill O'Brien is dumb as hell for not going for it on 4th and 5 there. He deserves all of that.

UT

And the final insult to injury, asshole Chiefs fans are doing the chop at NRG.

[Kitten] this whole [kitten] day.

Tim

The Texans’ defense never recovered from the loss of Mercilus and Watt. Neither did I.

(Texans score on a Hopkins TD, like it matters, trail 39-26)

Brett

I honestly hate Chiefs fans more than any other fan base in the league, and it's not particularly close. My favorite season of all time was 2012 simply because they lost almost every game. I yearn for that era to return again.

UT

They're the [kitten]est people; I don't even mean sports-wise, I just mean as human beings, they suck. Honestly, they're right up there with Steelers fans and Patriots fans.

(Chiefs kick a field goal, lead 42-26)

Brett

Side note, there's a doctor on reddit who is a Texans fan talking about this injury. Apparently for "normal people", severe fractures like the ones JJ suffered are basically a "you're never doing anything athletic again" type of injury. It depends on what grade the fracture is, but if it requires immediate major surgery like Watt is getting right now, that's usually not a good sign.

I don't want to say that this is a career ender, but it's certainly ended careers before.

(Watson connects on a deep bomb to Stephen Anderson, somehow)

UT

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL, sure Watson!

(Watson gets the ball to Nuk, walks in the two point conversion, Texans lose 42-34)

Weston

His stat line tonight is bat[kitten] [kitten]ing crazy

Brett

Watson is a fantasy monster right now lol

UT

I'm laughing way too hard at the most meaningless points of the game. I think I'm losing my [kitten].

(Game ends, Texans lose 42-34)

Post-Game Reactions:

Weston

I hate O'Brien bringing the O back out to make the score seem better than it actually was. This nonsense is what killed Cecil Shorts III and ended Arian Foster's career.

Hey, let’s give out some game balls!

Offense - Back to Deshaun Watson, who got another five touchdowns on the night in a losing effort.

Defense - Let’s give it to Benardrick McKinney tonight. He had a pretty good night on a defense that can’t really lay claim to that. The rest of it will be a simple candle in memory of what the Texans defense was, now that J.J. Watt and Whitney Mercilus are done for the year.

Special Teams (If Applicable) - HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA, you funny.

Got something on your mind? Want to share it with the rest of the class? Say so in the comment section below. That’s what you’re really here for anyway.