Rise for People’s Anthem of Houston Texans:
Comrades! Baby horses have been sent packing from our glorious motherland after having been outscored in every phase of Sunday’s game against magnificent Texans! It was victory likes of which baby horses of Indianapolis should hope never to see again.
It has come to attention of beneficent Ministry of Information, to whom nothing is secret, that there has been some grumblings among alleged Texans fans who have grown dissatisfied with management of People’s Football Team of Texas. Question that comes to mind, however, is why? There is no logical reason to be disheartened about Texans’ current performance.
This team has most balanced scoring team in all football. Just last week, indefatigable Texans’ defense was equal in scoring to our offense. With our juggernaut offense, no team in any level of football could hope to withstand that kind of onslaught! Is also remarkable that performance of offense has not missed beat with entirely capable Tom Savage in control. This rookie quarterback has been worth long, long wait for Texans fans for quarterback of future; as opposed to other quarterbacks who have been on roster for years and have yet to perform up to exacting standards of people, let alone Esteemed Leader O’Brien.
There has also been some baseless speculation about fate of our great Comrade and those among us raising specter of his unnecessary departure. Let us assure you, good and loyal fans of Texans, that there is no need for concern about our Dear Leader. His future with Texans is as bright as front office staff is. As always, team comes first with Dear Leader O’Brien, and he would never do anything to jeopardize nonstop success of team we all love.
Enough about such petty squabbling. We must now look forward to football-loving fans and players of Houston Texans marching westward to bring people’s football revolution to decadent wastrels of west, Los Angeles Lambs. Comrades, is imperative that we smash imperialist quadrupeds. They must be destroyed wherever they are met. You may wonder why this is of utmost importance, but there is sound reason that will become clear to all.
Ministry of Information, our ever-reliable bastion of always accurate news, has uncovered evidence that Lambs provide material comfort and support to traitors of revolution and have done so for many years! Super Bowl win they scored against vile Traitors of Tennessee, enemies of people, were merely distraction to hide their nefarious actions! Their owner, Stan Kroenke, who hails himself as hero for bringing football back to disinterested Los Angelenos, is little more than acolyte of Great Satan of football, Bud Adams. He used all tricks of Adams’ playbook, called “How To Get Everything You Want Out Of A City And Screw Them Over Anyway For Fun And Profit” to swindle stadium deal from St. Louis only to make impossible demands from city. Reports indicate these demands included his own personal unicorn farm, statue in front of the Gateway Arch dedicated to his mustache (which is ugly and certain to repel women and frighten children), and have his name etched into moon so that all may bask in his cold empty glow.
Proud people of St. Louis, whose only crime is being greatly misguided about their baseball team, gave him stadium deal but refused to bow to him and his mustache, and he moved team in act of spiteful cowardice.
But treason goes deeper than that. This is team that has hired, in past, noted traitor and refugee from Baby-Eating weaklings, Jeff Fisher. Fisher was forced out last year after Lambs grew tired of him promising way to wipe our beloved Texans off face of Earth. But most painful part is their employment of former Vice Marshal of Defense, and beloved coach of Motherland, Wade Phillips. Unfortunately for Lambs, traitorous Phillips, whose coaching breaks hearts of all those loyal to Mother Houston, has not been able to recreate magic he had with Texans, where teams only scored 13 points combined against Texans.
Is in part because he has to make use of useless Aaron Donald. Let us be clear, comrades, you will hear constant refrains from unscrupulous media sources claiming that Aaron Donald is elite talent and threat to Texans. Nothing could be further from truth. In point of fact, Donald is little more than cheap imitation of Hero of Texans Defense and rebuilder of Houston, J.J. Watt. Were great Watt to play in Sunday’s game, even with injury, he would still be twice player that Aaron Donald could ever hope to be.
Donald, and rest of Lambs’ defense, will pale in significance when outshone by wrath of the people of Houston, Comrade Jadeveon Clowney. Clowney will make overrated child Jared Goff cry out for his little brother, and head coach of Lambs, Sean McVay to replace him and bring relief. Relief will not come for sniveling whelp. Goff, Gurley, and their vastly overrated receivers will be called irresistable combination, one that our vaunted defense will be “unable to stop.”
This, combined with rigged points lines and ludicrously unbelievable lopsided scores, are all series of lies produced by compliant Los Angeles-skewed propaganda machine intent on breaking the spirits of all Texans fans and sapping morale of our glorious Texans. Let us not forget that our offense has outscored all enemies by no less than 70 points per game. While this is on low end for Texans’ final scores of late, again due to having rookie command offense, is still kind of offense most teams can only dream of.
We cannot and will not allow these peddlers of lies to make people of Houston feel we have no chance of winning! Only football team Texas has will come out and throttle hapless Lambs of Los Angeles. We will crush enemy underfoot and those fond of Lambs will go away from Sunday’s game as bored and indifferent in defeat as they did after incredibly aggrandized baseball team was annihilated in World Series by baseball-loving fans and players of Houston Astros barely more than week before!
GLORY TO MOTHER HOUSTON!