I tried to warn you last week. I opened up my heart and let it all seep out onto you. I am completely drained and have nothing left to give. What did you do?
You did the exact thing I warned you not to do. You watched the Texans play the Colts. You wasted three and a half hours of your life. Was it worth it? I know it wasn’t. You willingly sat and watched Tom Savage barely scrape past five yards an attempt, T.Y. Hilton get back up and run in for a touchdown, Eddie Pleasant serve as the best source of a pass rush, Kevin Johnson get picked and plucked again, Lamar Miller run the ball up the middle a lot, and you had it all culminate in a beautiful Tom Savage strip sack at the hands of Jabaal Sheard, who vandalized Duane Brown’s vacated home.
This week is going to be similar to last week. We already know what’s going to happen. Tom Savage is either going to throw the ball out of bounds or in the flat to Stephen Anderson or C.J. Fiedorowicz. Lamar Miller is going to run the ball between the tackles. Houston may score seven points. They’ll go down early because of their horrific pass defense and won’t even be able to run the ball anymore. Savage is going to attempt like 40 passes and get sacked by Aaron Donald five times. Jared Goff will hit three downfield throws in the first half, and the game will be over. That doesn’t sound like fun, does it?
You know what? This time I’m not giving in. I’m not letting you hurt yourself. I am only a few things, and an enabler is not one of them. Here are five things you can do instead of watch the Texans-Rams game.
Let’s get on with it.
Read A Book
Damn, I miss reading books. That’s the worst thing about the football season and trying to pump out thousands of words a week. I just don’t have the time. To write about football, you have to watch a lot of football. That takes time. Then you have to make GIFs and look up numbers. Then you get to write, and then you have to edit. It’s a long and lengthy process. I love it, but it just takes time.
So things are left out. For me, it’s reading. I miss sitting there all alone, in a quiet room, thinking really hard about something and poking my subconscious with a stick.
With the weather cold enough for sweaters, gray days where the blue sky never gets a glimpse at the world below, and darkness at 5:30 p.m., there are some perfect books to fit the mood, perfect to read in this setting, to really give your brain a shake. You can read In Cold Blood, which is the birth of true crime, I think. It’s about a family that was murdered, the investigation, the murderers, and the impact on the community. It’s awful what happened. It’s not fun to read, but it’s a great book. It’s perfect for this time of year. Even though it’s not flat gray Kansas cold here in Texas, it’s close enough.
The other is The Road. If you can stomach it, it’s also perfect for this season. Baby back ribs, shopping carts, the joys of an apocalyptic Coca Cola. Just a man and his boy trying to make it to the coast to escape the cold.
Whatever you read doesn’t matter. Go to your local Half Price Books and stock up. It will be better than watching the Texans play the Rams.
Watch Other Football
Just because the Texans are bad doesn’t mean football stops. Despite all the supernovas that wiped out the stars of the NFL this year, it doesn’t mean football isn’t worth watching. It still is. There is no clear great team. Instead, there are eight teams with a real shot at the Super Bowl, and every division aside from the NFC East is up for grabs.
Tomorrow, the Texans are playing at 3:05 p.m. At that same time, the Falcons are playing the Cowboys on FOX. Rather than watch Houston burst into flames, watch that game instead. Both Atlanta and Dallas are trying to get a wildcard spot. This game actually matters. You got Dak Prescott having to take control of the team now that Ezekiel Elliott is actually suspended, until he isn’t next week. Matt Ryan gets to make small mistakes that lead to incompletions, and big mistakes that become interceptions. Watch that instead.
Try Out Some Yoga
Yoga and meditation is some hippy nonsense, but it works. It allows you to slip into the now, improves your focus, solidifies your muscles, and makes being alive feel better. Feeling better is something we all need now more than ever with Deshaun Watson gone for the rest of this season. It’s also fun to sit on the floor, close your eyes, focus on your brow point, breathe, and let the colors flow.
If you want to get started, check out videos by this woman. She’s great and she’s out of Austin. There are videos on the basics and videos that teach you specific poses. Once you are ready, try out one of the thirty day challenges. That’s what I did to get going. And don’t be a cliche. Don’t get starting on some fitness kick on New Year’s Day when the clubs are packed. Be an individual and get going now.
Have A Nice Meal
I’m very plain and boring when it comes to eating. No breakfast. Spinach salad for lunch. I cook on Sunday and eat the same thing for dinner every night of the week. Lately it’s been a lot of quinoa. That, with some nasty avocado oil dressing, almonds, apricots, beans, sweet potatoes and raisins all mashed together. It’s really fun when you get to the end of the week and try to decide whether or not it has spoiled yet.
But you got to break it up. Sometimes I go to the fancy grocery store where people shop in blazers. I’ll steal a bagel, buy some type of expensive meat, and then get filled up on beans or bread while I cook and never fully enjoy my bourgeois purchase. Then I’ll sit and let my cells expand and wish I had a cigarette.
Going to the store to cook for one meal is a fun thing to do. Send BFD or Uprooted Texan an email about what you want to make, and then get to cooking. By the time you are done, it will be time to watch [Name Redacted] v. the Patriots.
If You Actually Watch...
Fine. Go ahead and watch the Texans game. I can’t stop you. If you must, here’s a list of things I’ll be watching for on Sunday:
Lamar Miller being able to break any tackles to try and stave off getting cut next year, Nick Martin versus Aaron Donald, Aaron Donald versus Jeff Allen, how often the Texans isolate DeAndre Hopkins in the passing game, the length of time Tom Savage holds onto the ball for, passes in the flat to the tight ends (the staple of Bill O’Brien’s super-genius offense), Kevin Johnson’s ability to break on the ball, whether they get beat deep in zone coverage because they don’t pass off receivers correctly, if Todd Gurley can’t get anything going against this run defense, and if Bill O’Brien does anything creative to try and jump start a dying offense.
Last time these teams played, Houston got blown out. Matt Schaub was injured and he rolled around in pain. At home, in Houston, the best fans on Earth cheered when Schaub was injured. Disgusting. At least he didn’t throw a pick-six! Then T.J. Yates came in and of course he threw a pick-six in the red zone to Alec Ogletree. That was beautiful.
This Sunday is going to be just as horrific. Please do something else. Don’t watch this game.